Emotional Affair

[Guest]

I'll try to keep this brief because it's a long story, but I really need advice. I started medical school out of the country almost 2 years ago. My wife of 2 years was extremely supportive and traveled with me. She is brilliant, so quickly found a good job. Her boss was a very nice man whose wife was expecting a baby. While we were living there, I was often very busy, but I tried to make time for her. Things weren't amazing, but I felt like we were doing just fine. We decided about a year ago that we would try to have a baby. We tried for 6 months or so...my wife had several chemical pregnancies/early miscarriages and was having some menstrual problems (eventually escalating to surgery). Anyhow, we found out in late June that we would be moving back to the US in early to mid August. We were both ok with this, but she had more friends that she was leaving behind, so I understood her sadness. Several weeks before we left, I started to notice a change in her mood and behavior. She was distant and upset, but I attributed that to being sad about leaving.

 

Fast forward a little...we left in August and went on vacation before we moved. She was still acting strange and seemed to be angry with me a lot, picking fights over everything. During this time, her company told her that they would increase her pay if she came back to finish her contract (which was only 2.5 more months. I really didn't want to be without her, but I can't really tell her what to do. She said that we needed the money and some time apart would be "good for us". She came to visit every other weekend, and she still seemed a little distant, but a lot of times she was better. Over the phone (and in person) she still seemed to be picking a lot of fights. She often told me to "quit picking at her" and that I was "pushing her away". She often asked me questions about what we would do if the other one was in love with someone else and stuff like that. She said weird things like giving me permission to have sex with other women, but if I did, that I shouldn't tell her. I was very suspicious at this point, but I chose to trust my wife.

 

A week ago, she moved back in with me when her contract ended. We had a fairly good weekend (still lots of fighting). On monday night, she was really upset with me. Finally I dragged it out of her. She told me that she was in love with her boss (He's married with a baby...his wife is a woman he cheated on his first wife with). It seems that right before we left (late July, early August) that he told her that he was completely in love with her. She said that she had a crush on him, but I guess she let that develop. She tells me that his marriage was in shambles before. She told me that they never got physical (which I believe) and they are just close friends (ha!). She says she still loves me, but she doesn't know what to do (and he's deciding as well). Needless to say, I was a wreck (and still am). I didn't sleep more than 2 hours that night (the whole night she was trying to hug me, which I couldn't deny). It's funny, because I tend to get very emotional, but I did a fairly good job of staying calm. The next morning, I was a little better, and she dropped me off early at school. I talked with her a few hours later and she said that she had some news that I'd be happy about. She wanted to try to make us work (I think that was the wording).

 

So basically now we're trying to start from scratch. She told me that her boss is now a close friend and part of her life and I have to accept that. I forgot to say that was always open with her emails and stuff and she changed all of her email passwords and now sits facing me so I can't see her computer. I can only assume that she emails this guy 3-6 times per day and talks to him at least once, usually 2-4 times (according to the phone bill), not including texting (5-10+ texts per day). Also, her company is flying her back for a week to stay at a hotel so she can participate in the company holiday party and stuff. I am pretty sure that this was her boss's doing, so I'm not happy about it. I feel like if she wants to work it out with me, she needs to cut off communication with the other guy. She told me that if I said that, it would just make her deceive me again. She left for her friend's wedding for a few days (I wasn't able to go). Also, just a little while ago, I got the mail and there's an XL t-shirt of her favorite band. I can only assume it's for the other guy (she wouldn't buy an XL for me).

 

We had a great day the other day (after she picked me), but I'm still so hurt and lost. I'm really trying my best to be strong, not be needy, and be more helpful and romantic. I just want some advice on what to do here. Obviously I'm completely head-over-heels in love with my wife. She is so incredibly smart and beautiful...I really can't bear to lose her.

 

Help!

[LucreziaBorgia]

...I really can't bear to lose her.

 

You already are, unfortunately.

 

You have a choice. Condone the affair by looking the other way, or forcing it to a halt.

 

How to force it to a halt? Put a keylogger on her computer. Gather up as much as you can and print it out and hide it well. Get cell phone bills, etc. Once you have a nice fat sheaf of proof send a copy to the OM's wife or call her and tell her what you have. Blow that sh*t right out of the water. Nothing will chill that affair like some cold hard exposure.

 

Then, sit your W down and give her a choice - she either goes to marriage counseling and cuts off ALL contact with the OM or you will divorce her. Period. Then, follow through. You have nothing to lose because your wife is slipping away from you already, and you have everything to regain by attempting this rebuilding of your marriage.

[Jeep81Guy]

This is hard, because I don't really want to break up a family. I'm ticked off because he tried to break up mine when his 2nd attempt failed. I see that as a complete lack of character, and I hope my wife will soon see that also.

 

I talked to her last night on the phone (after the rehearsal dinner of the wedding she's in) and she was telling me that she made a mistake and that she has so much love to give that she thinks she just got a little carried away. That sounds like it is probably true, but it doesn't take away from the fact that she said she's "in love" with him. We talked about rebuilding our marriage and I told her that I had ordered a Mort Fertel "Marriage Fitness" audio CD set. She told me that it sounded like a great idea.

 

I've heard that I have nothing to lose, but that's not exactly true. She's the type of person that if I come out aggressive, looking for blood, she'll just get angry and go the other way. I know I have to be stern, which I'm ok with...don't think I'm some push-over, I just know the your wife is (almost) always right rule.

 

One last thing...I'm about 99.9% sure that I can't stop her from going back for the week that she has planned to relax, hang out with friends, and go to the company holiday party. I gotta say that I'm worried. She said she had to end it face to face. I know that there's a good possibility that he'll pull out all of the stops. He is a very wealthy guy and I'm fairly unstable financially at this point (being a student). His wife is out of town, also (not sure about the baby). I know my wife isn't money-crazy...however, the way her parents showed her they loved her for her whole life was giving her things. I don't think she truly loves him and I'm quite certain that she would not be happy with him (eventually), but who knows how persuasive he can be (esp as a lawyer).

 

I have more to say, but that's enough for now...pretty much just vomiting words onto the screen.

[Mr. Lucky]

She said she had to end it face to face.

Or do something else face-to-face. You, my friend, are in denial. By letting your wife continue her affair, you giving permission to all the wrong things. Fidelity is a simple concept and you have every right to understand how and when it applies to your relationship. You should tell her - in or out. And she needs to decide now - no more testing the waters elsewhere. It's the very least she owes you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

She is saying alot, but not really doing alot in action to change things. The words are easy to say, but I'm not really sure if she's ready to say goodbye to him. She cannot be friends with him if she wants your marriage to work.

 

Sorry to say this, but until she feels the consquences of her actions, a life without you in it, things aren't going to change. She's so caught up in the feelings he brings out in her, she's addicted like a drug!

 

Hopefully she'll go to marriage counselling with you and sort this out.

 

This guy is a serial cheater, cheated on his first wife and now with the woman who he cheated with...Their marriage is rocky and boom! Another affair...

 

Has he told her he's going to leave his wife and child for your wife? Or is this just fun on the side. I'm just wondering how serious this is from his end.

 

Another thing you could do, which WILL put an end to their affair, is to tell his wife what's going on between him and your wife.

 

I agree with Mr Lucky, your wife has to make a choice. She can't have her cake and eat it too! That's just not fair to you. She can't go try out another relationship and see how the grass is on the other side of the fence, then turn around and come to you when she realizes it's not what she thought it would be...Marriage and committment isn't supposed to go like that!

 

Sorry for your pain. Keep posting.

[Jeep81Guy]

Thanks for the advice. I know that I'm definitely in denial. I'm one one those "it won't happen to me" people. Maybe that's why it happened. I was never a bad husband, but maybe I wasn't great sometimes. I think I've known what to do, I just don't know if I can really do it.

 

This is killing me. Even before she told me, I pretty much knew...I was denying it based on how much I trusted her. I can't eat and I haven't really been sleeping much. I've probably lost 15 pounds in the last 3 or 4 weeks. I did need to lose it, but not that way. How do you get through the pain and embarassment? I have a huge medical licensing exam on Wednesday (probably the biggest exam of my life so far, maybe ever), that is the culmination of 2 years of studying. I'm not really worried about passing (at least I wasn't), but I'm thinking my score might suffer. Any advice on how to stay strong and not freak out right now?

[whichwayisup]

Focus ALL your energy into passing this exam on Wednesday. As hard as it may be, try your best to do that. What is going on in your life right now can wait afew more days. This test is much more important and a distraction for what you're feeling too...

 

Think about seeking some counselling for yourself. Talking to a professional could help you cope better.

 

I understand your pain, but try not to be embarressed! You're not the one out there cheating! That was/is HER choice! Even if you weren't meeting all her needs, she could have told you instead of her deciding to look elsewhere.

It's not your fault.

[Jeep81Guy]

I'm sorry to keep posting about this...I'm sure it's getting annoying.

 

A little while ago I was listening to music and cleaning up around my place. A song came on ("Wild Child" by Enya) that is a great song and is in the intro to our wedding video. I really lost it. I switched to the next song, but it was "This is your song" by Elton John. This song has always reminded me of her and I have sung it to her on a few occasions (even though I don't sing great) because it really sums up how I feel. When it came on, I really lost control.

 

I'm realizing that everything I own or do reminds me of my wife in one way or another. Almost every piece of clothing I own was bought by my wife or with her. Almost every movie we have we bought together or was a gift from one of us. Just about every song reminds me of her. I love music, so that makes things really hard (especially since we have very similar taste in music).

 

I guess what I really need help with is this...I know it's a little premature, and hopefully I won't have to think about it again, BUT...what do I do if she doesn't choose me? Do I get rid of everything I own? Do I stop listening to music? I feel very alone, but I know that there must be tons of people that have gone/are going through this also.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You have the power to end this affair. Expose it to the OM's wife, then offer that choice: MC/no contact or a divorce. But...

 

you don't want to do that. Understandable, as you are afraid it will push her further away. Since you won't stop it, it won't end and you'll need to begin preparing yourself for a life without her - even if you stay with her, she won't really be 'with you'. She will devote her love to this OM and use you for comfort/security/etc. So.. what next?

 

1. ...what do I do if she doesn't choose me?

2. Do I get rid of everything I own?

3. Do I stop listening to music?

4. I feel very alone, but I know that there must be tons of people that have gone/are going through this also.

 

1. She has already chosen to give her love to this OM. Choice made. You are merely living with a heartless shell of the woman you once loved. Its your choice now. Your choice since you won't take the steps to end her affair is simple: continue to live your life with a woman who loves another man, or divorce and find your happiness and fulfillment on another path.

 

2. Get rid of whatever you need to in order to clear this infection of a woman out of your head and heart.

 

3. Stop listening to triggering music.

 

4. Unfortunately plenty of people have gone through what you are going through. They did what they needed to do. Some forced the affair to end and rebuilt their marriages, some stayed with the cheating partner and condoned the affairs and live out lonely, loveless marriages, and some divorced and found greater happiness than they thought possible.

 

Enough of her choices. What are yours?

[Jeep81Guy]

Thanks so much for your reply. I think every piece of advice does a little more to help me feel better and keep me strong in what I know I have to do.

 

I also have a huge religious conflict. I know many people feel it, but I don't believe that divorce is ever an option. As a catholic, it's really hard to resolve this. The time we were away at school, I think I/we lost a lot of our religious conviction (at least outwardly). Our relationship was never based on religion, far from it, but I think that our relationship has been strongest when we actually made an effort to go to church/pray together.

 

Now I'm babbling again...I really appreciate the advice and time from the people on this forum, especially those that have replied. It's tough because I feel that I have nobody else to talk to. I'm living in a place (short term) where I know only a handful of people and the person who I normally confide in is my best friend, my wife. Makes it kinda tough.

[whichwayisup]

I also have a huge religious conflict. I know many people feel it, but I don't believe that divorce is ever an option.

 

Then maybe for your own peace of mind, you should also talk to someone at the Church. It could help.

 

Nothing needs to be decided yet, but I do feel until she sees what she is doing to you and suffers some consquences of her actions, takes responsibility for what she's done to you and to your marriage, not much is going to change. She likes having the attention from him...Something inside her is missing and that's not your fault.