herenow Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 OK, I have a meeting to go to now, but I have an offer for all you OW. My H and I go to MC every Thursday. Next week is Thanksgiving and we won't be going, but our therapist suggested we still take an hour to talk. Truth is, we talk about this when we are alone anyway. My offer is to use one hour to get his feelings about the fact that the affair hurt the OW. I know that she was devistated, but we haven't really spoken much about her in MC. We try to use our time fixing us. I'm not sure he understands how much she was hurt. If any of you would like me to ask him anything, please let me know. I don't even know where to begin, but maybe I can get some good info for all of us.
peacelove Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 OK, I have a meeting to go to now, but I have an offer for all you OW. My H and I go to MC every Thursday. Next week is Thanksgiving and we won't be going, but our therapist suggested we still take an hour to talk. Truth is, we talk about this when we are alone anyway. My offer is to use one hour to get his feelings about the fact that the affair hurt the OW. I know that she was devistated, but we haven't really spoken much about her in MC. We try to use our time fixing us. I'm not sure he understands how much she was hurt. If any of you would like me to ask him anything, please let me know. I don't even know where to begin, but maybe I can get some good info for all of us. You're going to ask your husband if he understands how much the ow(your x-best friend) was hurt? Why? Please Advise.
pricillia Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 ask him if he at the time if hewas so unhappy in the marriage why did not tell you? Did he love his OW?
lasan Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Peace, I would imagine that if he doesn't know the hurt that he caused to everyone around him, including the OW, he really should.
peacelove Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Peace, I would imagine that if he doesn't know the hurt that he caused to everyone around him, including the OW, he really should. I feel that TOTAL focus should be on thier marriage now. Not the other woman.
Spinderella Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 You're going to ask your husband if he understands how much the ow(your x-best friend) was hurt? Why? Please Advise. I agree. Why? Not saying that the OWs feelings and pain is not valid, for they most certainly are. But why are they important to you?
puddleofmud Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Though you are doing so by suggestion this is still very generous of you. I commend & admire your strength. You are awesome and your H is darned lucky to have you. Perhaps many will gain insight due to you doing this. Best wishes for your Marriage and future.
pricillia Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I agree. Why? Not saying that the OWs feelings and pain is not valid, for they most certainly are. But why are they important to you? Because her husbands lies needs and wants had a hand in destryoing a friendship and the friend that he did this with has feelings too. She is trying to see if from all sides and make husband accountable for his actions, if he understands how the OW feel and how devestating it is to her, it may stop him from doing this again. for everyone's sake
peacelove Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Herenow, I apologize. Please retract the line in my post that says something about the xbf. I was having a blonde moment. Please forgive. Thanks, Peace And good luck to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tinktronik Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I think it's important to see if he has the scope to understand how damaging his actions can be to others . I think it is brave but perhaps damaging to your M to be worried about outside forces , such as the OW though . Are you sure you want to build compassion in your H for the OW ?
Spinderella Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I think it's important to see if he has the scope to understand how damaging his actions can be to others . Yes I see. I wasnt saying she should not, I was asking what the motivation was for this. It is good, I think I would feel the same way. I think it is brave but perhaps damaging to your M to be worried about outside forces , such as the OW though . Are you sure you want to build compassion in your H for the OW ? Either he has the compassion, or he does not, she cannot build it.
tinktronik Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Yes I see. I wasnt saying she should not, I was asking what the motivation was for this. It is good, I think I would feel the same way. Either he has the compassion, or he does not, she cannot build it.I disagree , you can certainy inch a person towards compassionate thought with suggestion. There is the possibility of being a compassionate person towards many things but not realizing that you should be in a specific reguard.
Spinderella Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I disagree , you can certainy inch a person towards compassionate thought with suggestion. There is the possibility of being a compassionate person towards many things but not realizing that you should be in a specific reguard. I think more likely he would suspect her of trying to trick him into admitting something, and say he had no compassion, whether he did or not. Then again, it depends how much effort he is making through councelling to be really honest.
YesandNo Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I agree. Why? Not saying that the OWs feelings and pain is not valid, for they most certainly are. But why are they important to you? Good question.
pricillia Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Good question. because it was her friend that is why and maybe she cares about other people... why are her intentions being questioned?
noforgiveness Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 because it was her friend that is why and maybe she cares about other people... why are her intentions being questioned? was it her friend also or is everyone confusing herenow with my story? I know we are both dealing with very similar situations.
pricillia Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 was it her friend also or is everyone confusing herenow with my story? I know we are both dealing with very similar situations. yes he cheated on her with OP's best friend
Spinderella Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 because it was her friend that is why and maybe she cares about other people... why are her intentions being questioned? Her intentions are not being questioned. I asked a question about what the reasons were for doing this, her personal reasons I mean, because I was curious. It wasnt a rhetoric question, I had no judgement in mind, I was simply asking.
YesandNo Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 because it was her friend that is why and maybe she cares about other people... why are her intentions being questioned? Maybe so, but that is a question that I would really like to know because it sounds to me as if her concern should be with her marriage and her feelings and the ow should be left out of the equation. She obviously has a reason for this, it is not her intentions that I'm questioning. I think that it being a friend makes it that much more damaging, I still think that the H needs to focus on his hurting his wife and I'm sure she cares about other people. She doesn't sound like a woman who doesnt.
pricillia Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Maybe so, but that is a question that I would really like to know because it sounds to me as if her concern should be with her marriage and her feelings and the ow should be left out of the equation. She obviously has a reason for this, it is not her intentions that I'm questioning. I think that it being a friend makes it that much more damaging, I still think that the H needs to focus on his hurting his wife and I'm sure she cares about other people. She doesn't sound like a woman who doesnt. If husband acknowledges the pain that he caused all around maybe he won't cheat again. And also she is asking us OW and after all we are women, If we come up with some questions that she can ask it may be relevent to her and her relationship. I think that OW are just as confused as BS...
YesandNo Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 If husband acknowledges the pain that he caused all around maybe he won't cheat again. And also she is asking us OW and after all we are women, If we come up with some questions that she can ask it may be relevent to her and her relationship. I think that OW are just as confused as BS... Ok, I got that she's asking questions from ow.... But with all due respect again, why is he responsible for the OW's pain? I know the other women are just that women, but do you realize that they are hurting another woman? Why isn't she responsible for her own pain and the pain that she helped cause?
YesandNo Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I dont mean to sound like I'm stuck in one area at all. I'm just wondering what the logic is here.
pricillia Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Ok, I got that she's asking questions from ow.... But with all due respect again, why is he responsible for the OW's pain? I know the other women are just that women, but do you realize that they are hurting another woman? Why isn't she responsible for her own pain and the pain that she helped cause? only the Op can answer this question.
NoIDidn't Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 herenow, Your aim is admirable, but I think you should use your hour on your M. The OW's feelings really aren't important in the grand scheme of your R with your H. My H apologized profusely to his co-worker, without my prodding. In fact, I wanted him to stop it. Sure, the OW got hurt, but it was her choice, not yours. Use the hour to talk about the things that he complained about to her. That may help strengthen your M. Not showing him how much he hurt her. He probably already knows and doesn't need thinking about her feelings coming in between the two of you anymore. Just my 2 cents.
Author herenow Posted November 17, 2006 Author Posted November 17, 2006 OK, I'm back now. I can understand why all of you would think that I'm not focusing on my marriage by asking my H about the OW. It's not really as much about the OW as it is about him. What I want to do is ask him how he feels about the hurt he has caused all around. This is about him and his feelings. I'm not threatened by the OW anymore and to tell the truth, I really don't care how she feels. She was well aware of what she was getting into. I know that she could have been anyone and at the time he didn't really care about anyone but himself. I want to make sure that attitude is gone. We both admit that all three of us are adults and responsible for our actions. This is about seeing if he really understands how the affair hurt everyone involved. It will tell me a lot about him if he can have an honest conversation about this. FYI, we have kept all our MC sessions focused on fixing what went wrong in our marriage. We have come a long way in a little over 8 months. There is still much work to be done and I feel that instead of this endless search for understanding, I need to address this.
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