Questions about dating

[Confuggled_one]

After a long stormy trip with my ex, we are now talking and doing couple related activities. We are spending more time together, kissing, hugging, tellin one another that we still love eachother, and just enjoying our company. However, we are not officially declared as a couple, and she is still afraid to jump back into our past relationship.

 

Our past relationship was very destructive. we were both extremely emotionally reliant on one another, and we were also jealous, insecure, and immature. I finally figured out why things didnt work out on my end, but im trying to work on it now. I often times said one thing, but did the other. I told a few of my friends things about my ex that made them dislike her (just cause i needed to talk to someone because of the stress in the relationship), and I lied about things that i did not need to lie about (like burning a cd when i really didnt). That caused her trust level for me to go down A LOT. and i understand her point of view, which is why im not trying to push her back into a relationship. However, she feels as if im still treating her as if i did when we were in a relationship, and she feels pressured to do things. My ex was more insecure, jealous, paranoid, etc. than i was, Which caused this to be a very painful relationship. But now we are both trying to work things out by communicating better, listening, sharing eachother's experiences, and so on.. my question now:

 

-How do i not pressure her?

-How do i give her more space? (I know this will result her into missing me more right? :p)

-by allowing myself to prove that i am no longer a coward/liar, i can regain my trust. what are the best ways to do this?

-I want to assure our chances of getting back together because i sincerely love her, what are the best ways to tackle this question?

 

Oh and last but not least, we both are going to attend an extremely hard college next year. She said she doesnt want to get too attached to me because if we go to skoo and she is not able to spend time with me during our time at school, I will get hurt, depressed, and so on. Which is a BIT true, but i dont think i will be that extreme because i understand the situation. anyways, thanks for reading.. i really hope to figure this out and work it out, too.

[alphamale]

your relationship with her is basically over. its time to move on.

[brickaney]

Sounds to me that this girl is very needy. She needs confidence and space and you can only give her the latter. Simply ask her, yes or no, if she wants to committ to the relationship and help herself instead of burdening you with her self-conscious, paranoid, jealous, attitude. I am not suggesting she isn't a great person, I'm sure she is. All I'm saying is that she doesn't sound ready for a relationship so asking her clearly would be your best chance. Also, have you considered whether or not she's just looking for more drama? Someone to give her temporary confidence? This happens a lot with girls. They go after guys they know they can get a play hard to get until they find an excuse to leave. This tends to be a rather juvenile thing to do but it's possible.

Anyhow eliminating the possibility that she might just be looking for a temporary fix, and she is serious. In that case I would suggest not calling her, not seeing her. Let her come to you. She obviously needs space so let her be the one to initiate things until she's ready for a relationship (in that case she will always need some space). Ask her what her intentions are. A simply yes or no (to continue on in the relationship) would be the easiest way to go plus it puts her under enough pressure to make a serious decision. Assuming the worst, would you rather have a quick death or a slow, agonizing one? Your choice.

[Confuggled_one]

Hey Brickaney,

Thank you for your response. I have asked her what her decision was a few times. Her answer was always on the lines of "I do not know". she said she is not ready now and she wants to focus on school. however, she says she is leaning towards more of the 'yes' side after school. so i do not know. part of me wants to hold on and part of me wants to leave. she gives me an uncertain answer but she said she doesnt know the answer as of now. maybe alphamale is right, maybe he is wrong. i never know till i try. and for her, i think im willing to take this risk.

 

ill let her initiate all of the things now. thanks for your suggest. it is very much appreciated

[alphamale]

maybe alphamale is right, maybe he is wrong.

From the info you presented I'm most likely correct.

[Island Girl]

confuggled -

 

is this the same girl...?

[Confuggled_one]

ya, she is the same girl. but this time she gives off a complete diff. vibe.

[alphamale]

ya, she is the same girl. but this time she gives off a complete diff. vibe.

basically she's told you in no uncertain terms that once she gets to college she will be dating other dudes. if I were you I'd start lining up other chicks.

[Confuggled_one]

basically she's told you in no uncertain terms that once she gets to college she will be dating other dudes. if I were you I'd start lining up other chicks.

 

Hey alpha,

you're right. ill leave her alone from now on and wait for her to initiate everything. dont know if i can be that cruel to her yet, but if there are people i dont know whether or not i will say no. thanks for your suggestion, too.

[brickaney]

Yeah the whole "we'll get back together later" thing doesn't work. been there tried that. I was too involved with another guy by the time my ex wanted to get back together. and now it's been long enough that we don't even know/ talk to each other anymore. it's a simple loss of interest and the fact that things and people change.

I know you'd like to think "love conquers all" but that only happens when love is strong, not new, not exciting, not painful or weary. it's yes or no. now or never. no excuses. get it over with. it's not worth your time and heartbreak for some indecisive girl. if you like drama, date a junior higher, don't let her treat you like a book she can just put away and come back to later because there are no garuntees that she will even be interested in that book when she comes back.

drawing things out and saying "time will tell" is only an excuse for not being committed to a decision. if she doesn't know what she wants then let her go. i know there's a bunch of people you don't know who don't know the full scale of your situation here but it seems to me that this girl is only going to cause you trouble< and not good trouble. the only reassurance i can give you is from my experience. i know there are acceptions and they aren't exactly the same thing but the situation of "taking a break" in a sense, will not work out. by the time college is over she will be different< no matter what she's going to change. and you shouldn't spend four years or so of your life staying idle and unchanging. that is a boring life that you will regret. there shouldn't be a desperate attempt to make love work. if it doesnt want to work then it's not going to. end of story.