Anyone just letting the cheater be?

[Ivyalmighty]

Married just over a year. My first, his third. Cheated on his first wife (they were both young, he was deployed most of the marriage, they lost touch) and married one of the girls he had an affair with. Divorced her - she was unstable, mental problems - after two years of marriage counseling and the whole nine.... Married me. I'm relatively normal, attractive, I have two children, I work hard, I've made a big difference in his life financially. Helped him get good credit, taught him how to spend/save wisely.

He's always been into threesomes, we did it three times and it sucked. All three girls were waaay more into him than me, and didn't hide it. He constantly talks about threesomes but I have said never again. He is still emailing other women, don't know whether they're from AFF or he's meeting new ones. He has multiple email addresses, I check them all but he doesn't know. Confronted him twice, both times it was "innocent" a "misunderstanding" and he was trying to butter the girls up for a threesome... riight.

My question is, is there anyone out there who has come to terms with the fact that their partner is a chronic cheater (and yes, I consider cybersex, dirty emails, and cleaning up your tracks online by deleting history & having hidden accounts to be cheating) and just stayed in the marriage?

I have two children and I really don't want to be a single struggling mother again. They're not his children so there would be no financial support if we divorced. The worst is, he's great in every other way. Sex is great - avg twice a day after two years together. Cooks, cleans enough, friends & family love him to death. It's just he's addicted to the idea of being wanted.

Any advice? Anyone successful in closing off the emotions to stay in the marraige and just turning a blind eye?

[Ivyalmighty]

Oh, and the part that makes me feel really icky.... his password for all his accounts is my birthdate. Like, at least he's thinking of me right? Ha. Uughh..

[miss snoopy]

Hmm.. very worrying! Have you confronted him about your findings (the hidden email accounts etc)? You may have to give him an ultimatum, he needs to know what he's doing is wrong and you won't stand for it. Even the whole business about 3somes is a huge red flag but if you were OK with it to begin with then I guess not.

[Ivyalmighty]

I gave an ultimatum with both confrontations. Both times, he deleted the accounts and never spoke to the women again... but he just ended up opening up new accounts and starting the behavior all over again after a few months. I just don't want to confront it this time. I want to be ok with it, ignore it, and enjoy the other perks of married life. If that's possible....

The threesomes, I wasn't thrilled about but was wiliong to try them - looking back and being frank with myself, I was desperately trying to impress him and be everything he needed.. thinking that if I gave him the option to be with women in front of me, he wouldn't feel the need to cheat. They were fun but all in all a pain in the ass and I kind of got tired of being the extra set of hands...

But I don't think it's about the sex, per se. It's just about feeling wanted for him.

[miss snoopy]

I suppose if it's about feeling wanted and nothing physical will ever happen with these online women, then you can make a decision to understand why he does it as you have done, and live with it, maybe with the help of marriage counseling or self help books if he's not interested in the former. It's hard, but in a marriage you have to weigh the pros and cons more thoroughly than if you were just dating - you married each other for better for worse.

[YesandNo]

Do not accept this from him. He is as you know a chronic cheater and I'll bet my whole paycheck that his past failed marriages were a result. Honey, you are his next victim.

 

If you have to raise your children alone so be it, but I'm sure you can find a man who deserves to be with you. This one doesn't. Do not continue to take this from him. You do not want the same things. He doesn't sound like the type to settle down and probably should never be, or have been married.

 

I'm telling you all this because I know personally. When I found out my exhusband cheated I literally sent him packing. I packed all his things and took them over to the "woman's" house.

 

I wish you well sweetheart, but you know that staying will not make you well at all.

[YesandNo]

but in a marriage you have to weigh the pros and cons more thoroughly than if you were just dating - you married each other for better for worse.

 

You marry for better or worse, ya, but you also vow to be faithful.

[Ivyalmighty]

miss snoopy - you seem to have the same mindset as me. Every other aspect of the relationship is great... even our sex life hasn't ever suffered due to his little habit. So, I just need to come to terms with this need of his... and it's a need I definitely can't fill, because I have tried in every way. Cards, all the time. Leaving sweet notes, messages... I give him manicures and pedicures, I really enjoy pampering him.

But it's hard to do those things when he has a "flare-up" like right now. I feel resentment, but I don't want it to show, because I don't want to lose what we have. He's not even always like this, he just goes through phases where he binges on porn, emailing other women... every few months he can't hold back anymore.

Yesandno - having been in a physically mentally emotionally abusive relationship in the past, this feels like heaven to me. I am really willing to deal with his cyber-trysts because of the other positive factors of the marriage. I really just want some advice or experience from others who have done this.

I know he has broken a marraige vow, but I also understand I probably opened up Pandora's box by allowing the threesomes...

[YesandNo]

Ok honey, whatever you decide, but no I don't have any experience in accepting this. I do hope that there is no possible way for you to catch any diseases or anything while he's out on one of his binges, and also that your children don't think that a marriage should consist of a cheating husband.

 

Be well:)

[crazy_grl]

IMO, no one who really respects themself would allow their SO to cheat just for the sake of keeping them around.

 

I suppose you could try to just be ok with it, but how long do you really think you can do that for? This seems like something that would seriously erode someone's self-esteem, constantly leading a person to question why they just aren't enough. Is that something that is going to affect you?

 

If you want to keep this marriage, you shoud start marriage counseling and ask your husband to get into individual counseling for his issues.

[Ivyalmighty]

Crzy-- I agree, I think my self-esteem is pretty much in the garbage disposal at this point. At the same time, knowing that it's absolutely HIS problem, his issues that are making him do this, helps me remember I'm still a worthwhile person...

I'm not exactly sure that I can live like this, which is why I was hoping for advice from others in the same situation.

I guess that's pretty dumb, huh?

[Guest]

Don't accept this. He's not being faithful. He made a vow to you and ONLY YOU. You made it as a single mother before meeting him and you can do it again.

 

His behavior to you is WRONG and you shouldn't have to live that way. It's dishonest and disrepectful.

 

Its up to you if you want to try with him. I doubt his behavior will stop. If you try to make it work with him and he does it again...

 

Get you and your children out of there!

[crazy_grl]

I'm not exactly sure that I can live like this, which is why I was hoping for advice from others in the same situation.

 

I'd guess that there aren't too many people living in this kind of situation, and those who are probably aren't very happy with it.

 

I guess that's pretty dumb, huh?

 

I don't think I'd call it dumb. You're looking for a way to be happy with the man you love. You want to have a happy family. That's not dumb. Though I do think it would be pretty naive to think that just overlooking the cheating will make you happy.

 

Has your husband ever been to counseling? Do you know if he would be open to it? I don't know very much about sexual addiction, but it does seem like he might have that problem. It might help you to do some research on it to see if you think he might. It may help you understand him and what to do to help him. But don't just rely on that. He really should be in counseling.

 

I think the best way to handle this is to discuss it with your husband without being confrontational. Explain that you think he has a problem and that you want to stand by him and help him with it. But make it clear that you won't allow him to disrespect you and you'll only stand by him as long as he's showing signs that he's working on the problem.

 

Also, just because you allowed the threesomes in the past doesn't make you responsible for his current behavior. You made the mistake of agreeing, but now you regret it and don't want to do it again. He should respect that.

[Ivyalmighty]

Crzy- funny you say that... We JUST had this discussion about two weeks ago. he admits being addicted to sex, but says being with me is the best thing for him, because my sex drive equals his, so he gets all the sex he could ever want. I told him I think it's more about him being wanted, than it is about him wanting. Know what I mean? But he denied that, said that wasn't what was going on in his mind. But I'm pretty sure I know. Especially because after he said all these great things about me and how happy and satisfied he is, I find an email from "patti" asking when they'll get to chat again...

We've talked about counseling but never followed through on it. I guess we really ought to. And I need to get on the ball, because in March, he goes to Iraq for 7 months.

Thanks everyone for your input; please continue to post your thoughts. I'll keep you all posted.

 

LAST QUANDRY: How do I bring up the subject again? I'm equally naughty here4, because I've been snooping and reading his emails.. in the past, he denied and denied until he was confronted with incontrovertible proof. I hate to admit that I'm still distrustful and still poking into his business.

[Guest]

Well.. if you have the information at hand... and he gets upset at you for looking... the truth hurts....

[Spinderella]

LAST QUANDRY: How do I bring up the subject again? I'm equally naughty here4, because I've been snooping and reading his emails.. in the past, he denied and denied until he was confronted with incontrovertible proof. I hate to admit that I'm still distrustful and still poking into his business.

 

You hate to admit that you are distrustful of somebody who is untrustworthy?

I can see that you have many practical reasons for staying in this marriage, BUT, are you sure it is not just fear and self limitation? Do you think it might be possible for you to demand and get the treatment you really want?

[Ivyalmighty]

Spinderella,

I know I can do better. I'm just so tired. I don't want to argue, I don't want to demand this or that... I just want to live and be left alone. I want to not have the emotional connections that make this so upsetting to me.

I want to be able to be like him, I guess.. not remorseful or resentful. I don't even want to "get even" or anything. I spent four years in absolute hell, and things are really great. I don't want to give up what I have. I certainly won't go through the process of finding someone else even if we did divorce. The risks outweigh the benefits, I now know that is absolute truth!

I feel worthy, I just don't feel like proving my worth. I've done enough already. That's how I feel at the face of all this... but maybe I haven't fully explored how I feel about it yet. This place is fantastic. Thank you, everyone...

I'll make some calls about marriage counseling. What a position to put oneself in, huh??

[Spinderella]

I can understand what you are saying. Perhaps it is not so bad to stay there, at least until you have regained some strength, and probably a feeling of safety too. The thing is, that if you are constantly checking his emails, then you obviously arent just accepting the situation, and what you cannot accept and yet live with, will drain you. Doesnt that you make you more tired.

I think it may not be so bad to stay, if you feel that he is a good father to your children and looks after and supports you in other ways, but if you are really going to accept this part of him, then you really have to accept it. I hope you understand what I am saying.

Yes counselling is a good idea, but, what if it doesnt change anything?

[Ivyalmighty]

If counseling doesn't help, then that's that. There's nothing I can do to make him change. He's either capable of it, or he's not. If anything, counseling can help me clarify whether I'm really willing to live with these habits, or if I'm just protecting myself at this point and not fully "feeling" my emotions.

Ever seen the Friends episode, where Joey finds out his Dad is cheating on his Mom? And Mom gets upset when Joey confronts the situation, because she knew he was cheating, but said he was treating her better than he ever had before, out of guilt for his secret sin?

THat's kind of how I feel. If this is how things are when he's into other women, then I guess I'm pretty satisfied with it.

[YesandNo]

If counseling doesn't help, then that's that. There's nothing I can do to make him change. He's either capable of it, or he's not. If anything, counseling can help me clarify whether I'm really willing to live with these habits, or if I'm just protecting myself at this point and not fully "feeling" my emotions.

Ever seen the Friends episode, where Joey finds out his Dad is cheating on his Mom? And Mom gets upset when Joey confronts the situation, because she knew he was cheating, but said he was treating her better than he ever had before, out of guilt for his secret sin?

THat's kind of how I feel. If this is how things are when he's into other women, then I guess I'm pretty satisfied with it.

 

Will you go to counseling too? I think you guys might benefit more if it's a team effort. I don't think you should give up your marriage without a fight dear, but you really don't want to just accept this either.

[Spinderella]

Yes, so if you are satsifed with it, then maybe stop hoping for it to change. Or if you are hoping for it to change, how satisfied are you really?

Yes I think counselling is still a good idea, whether he changes or not.

[crazy_grl]

LAST QUANDRY: How do I bring up the subject again? I'm equally naughty here4, because I've been snooping and reading his emails.. in the past, he denied and denied until he was confronted with incontrovertible proof. I hate to admit that I'm still distrustful and still poking into his business.

 

I recall reading some advice on here once about that which seemed like the best suggestion I've heard. It was to appologize for snooping and admit it was wrong right off the bat. Then address the issue and don't let him deflect onto that later. If he brings it up again, repeat that you're sorry and remind him that there's a bigger issue.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Ivyalmighty,

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I haven't really told my story here, just been lurking for months trying to get some understanding of what goes on in the minds of everyone involved. Like you I have come to understand that this is HIS problem and he has quite a few.

 

This I can tell you for sure and that is that He WILL NOT CHANGE. As for staying, my youngest is still in elementary school and loves his father so very much that I can't see hurting him like this at this time just so that I can find some sanity. For me making a decision to stay (for the time being) meant spending a year coming to terms with the fact that he will never change. Another issue is the self esteem. WOW, what a blow! But if you turn all of your energy into fixing you, and learning that true self worth and love is where real self-esteem comes from, then you will have gained something that no one will ever be able to take away from you. This is not an easy road. You will suffer daily set backs. I make lists to review to remind me why I'm doing what I'm doing, how I got here, because there are days when I honestly can't remember (what the H#LL was I thinking, I can't handle this!) Someone gave me an incredible peice of advice after I had made my decision to stay. They said you need to learn self sacrifice. I was appalled, You think I don't know how to sacfiice -- look at what I do, what I've been through. No, no, they said, you would do anything for anybody else - put aside what you wanted for what was in their best interest but do you do it for yourself. The examples were something like, ok, this is stressing me out, I'll indulge in a peice of chocolate cake or a 1/5 of vodka! Instead I should sacrifice what I want for what's BEST for ME. Maybe some excercise, get my hair done. Good luck, if you don't have one find a nice group of friends. I'm not talking people to lean on (that gets old for them and you and they become a reminder) as much as some fun people that help you forget for a while the things you'll have to face at home. (learn to bowl, linedance, ballroom dance ect..) something that gets you out of the house and involved in something that is fun, active, and causes you to interact with other people and form a few NEW friendships, with each new friendship you will find something new YOU like about yourself. Set some boundries for yourself and when you explain them to your husband without accusing him let him know that because of his actions you are going to have to set some rules for yourself if you are going to deal with these issues, don't argue about it at all. It is impossible to argue with someone who won't admit anything and expects you to turn a blind eye so - don't do it! That actually drives them crazy (I enjoy that part) - state your case and be done. Good luck with what ever you decide.

[Jane Doe]

It sounds to me like not only is he a cheater but a sex addict as well. You need to get tested for STDs immediately. You're better off being a single mom than being with a guy like this. The chances he'll ever change are slim to none.

[Sup]

I noticed that these 3 somes are with other women, never men, however I DON'T recommend either, just something I noticed.....