A MM warning

[herenow]

I have read many stories here over the past couple of weeks. Time after time OW say how wonderful the MM is and how well he treats them. The MM would be with the OW if he could, but he stays with his wife for whatever reason.

 

Then, they get caught or the MM decides to end the affair and he is instantly the worst man alive. I'm surprised everytime I read about an OW that gets hurt and she wonders how it could happen. What is it that you don't understand about a MM that has an affair? You know what he is doing to his wife, yet you think for some reason he will be different with you. You have the benefit of knowing that he is a proven liar yet you are shocked when you find he has lied to you. You question how could he be so cruel when you see that he is cruel to his own family.

 

Then there are the posts that ask "should I have an affair with a MM?" What kind of question is that? It's like asking "should I let the sex offender down the street babysit my kids?" Affairs destroy families. There is a reason that affairs are kept secret. The reason is they are wrong. MM who have affairs are not looking out for your best interest, they are looking out for themselves.

 

I'm not writing this to bash OW, I'm writing in response to the many posts I have read asking why this happens. The answer is, because you let it happen.

 

I applaud the OW that have moved on and learned from their mistake. To the ones who believe that a MM will leave their W and be different with them, beware. And to the OW whose MM has already left his W for them, take a good hard look at how they treated their wife. I do wish happy endings for everyone including the W, MM and OW, but if it doesn't end well you can't say you haven't been warned.

[pricillia]

I have read many stories here over the past couple of weeks. Time after time OW say how wonderful the MM is and how well he treats them. The MM would be with the OW if he could, but he stays with his wife for whatever reason.

 

Then, they get caught or the MM decides to end the affair and he is instantly the worst man alive. I'm surprised everytime I read about an OW that gets hurt and she wonders how it could happen. What is it that you don't understand about a MM that has an affair? You know what he is doing to his wife, yet you think for some reason he will be different with you. You have the benefit of knowing that he is a proven liar yet you are shocked when you find he has lied to you. You question how could he be so cruel when you see that he is cruel to his own family.

 

Then there are the posts that ask "should I have an affair with a MM?" What kind of question is that? It's like asking "should I let the sex offender down the street babysit my kids?" Affairs destroy families. There is a reason that affairs are kept secret. The reason is they are wrong. MM who have affairs are not looking out for your best interest, they are looking out for themselves.

 

I'm not writing this to bash OW, I'm writing in response to the many posts I have read asking why this happens. The answer is, because you let it happen.

 

I applaud the OW that have moved on and learned from their mistake. To the ones who believe that a MM will leave their W and be different with them, beware. And to the OW whose MM has already left his W for them, take a good hard look at how they treated their wife. I do wish happy endings for everyone including the W, MM and OW, but if it doesn't end well you can't say you haven't been warned.

 

you have some very valid points most of this is right on! I would like to ad though that in every relationship it is two sided, you don't know how husband treats wife or how wife treats husband, could be good, could be bad, and yes it is something that they have to work out between the two of them but there are women who have affairs as well, I would like to know what thier reasons are here so we can see both sides.

 

Maybe MM or MW does not feel loved.

[BenThereDunThat]

Excellent post, HN. All very true IMO.

 

The only MM's that are "different", are the ones who actually end a marriage that isn't working before pursuing anyone else.

 

If a marriage is truly over, even if just one party wants out, it will end. Period.

 

To accept anything less for yourself is self-defeating, demoralizing, and potentially soul destroying.

[noforgiveness]

Great post herenow. So very true.

The problem is most women who need it won't find this forum or post until after they are already in love as they say with their MM.

 

I just don't get it and i guess i never will.

[pricillia]

Excellent post, HN. All very true IMO.

 

The only MM's that are "different", are the ones who actually end a marriage that isn't working before pursuing anyone else.

 

If a marriage is truly over, even if just one party wants out, it will end. Period.

 

To accept anything less for yourself is self-defeating, demoralizing, and potentially soul destroying.

 

There are unhappy people that stay in marriages and thier are people who don't stay. I have seen people stay in relationships that are unhappy but they stay for one reason or another. I am talking close friends and family here. I have seen even friends who are unhappy stay in a realationship just to be in a relationship.

 

Even in a marriage if you are unhappy it can be soul destroying, any SO relationship for that matter

[herenow]

Excellent post, HN. All very true IMO.

 

The only MM's that are "different", are the ones who actually end a marriage that isn't working before pursuing anyone else.

 

Yes, BTDT, those men are not having affairs. They are able to make a decision to end a marriage that is not working before they move on. The women they date are not OW, they are single women (hopefully) dating a single man. Sounds normal to me.

[NoIDidn't]

The question that I have for the OW is why the state of the MM's M is any of their concern. So often when told about the nature of the MM in an A, the argument is turned to the way the W treats him, or how the M is so unhappy, ad nasuem. But the truth is, most are only hearing this from the MM - not from the W.

 

The state of the M is really no one's business except those in it. Unhappy Ms are not usually unhappy forever. But an unhappy M is never a good reason to cheat.

 

And from observing many that cheat, male and female, in my personal circle, most As fall into four BROAD categories:

 

1. Because they can and feel entitled to it.

2. Because of needs not being met

3. Because of not feeling appreciated

4. Because the cheater is afraid to voice their true concerns (avoiding conflict).

 

I am sure there are several more categories, but most that I know cheat for these reasons. Not many cheat on an abuser, because they are too afraid of the anger when they are found out. But none of the Ms that I know that have experienced infidelity have ended. None of them. So if you are looking for the man to leave his W, fugetaboutit. Doesn't happen in the vast majority of cases.

[herenow]

There are unhappy people that stay in marriages and thier are people who don't stay. I have seen people stay in relationships that are unhappy but they stay for one reason or another. I am talking close friends and family here. I have seen even friends who are unhappy stay in a realationship just to be in a relationship.

 

Even in a marriage if you are unhappy it can be soul destroying, any SO relationship for that matter

 

I see your point here, I feel for people who stay in unhappy marriages. Having an affair only adds more unhappy people to an already unhealthy situation.

[BenThereDunThat]

I respectfully disagree. There are millions of kids out there that come from broken homes. What makes these MM's kids more fragile or different?

 

I'm just coming from a perspective of having been in unhappy situations (MM included) and getting out to save myself.

 

If I had children and decided that it was best for me to stay married, then I would stay married and not have an affair. I can't imagine an absolutely miserable parent is any good for the kids.

 

And if it's money that makes them stay. Well, personally, I'd rather be broke and happy. If a married person would wind up on the street if they got a divorce, then that's a whole 'nother set of problems.

 

I know what you're trying to say, and I probably would have felt the same way. But I'm coming from the perspective of finally getting my head out of my a** and seeing the real picture.

[NoIDidn't]

Hey BTDT, how you doin'? Were you responding to my post or another one, I am a little confused 'cause you brought up kids. Just asking.

[herenow]

I respectfully disagree. There are millions of kids out there that come from broken homes. What makes these MM's kids more fragile or different?

 

I'm just coming from a perspective of having been in unhappy situations (MM included) and getting out to save myself.

 

If I had children and decided that it was best for me to stay married, then I would stay married and not have an affair. I can't imagine an absolutely miserable parent is any good for the kids.

 

And if it's money that makes them stay. Well, personally, I'd rather be broke and happy. If a married person would wind up on the street if they got a divorce, then that's a whole 'nother set of problems.

 

I know what you're trying to say, and I probably would have felt the same way. But I'm coming from the perspective of finally getting my head out of my a** and seeing the real picture.

 

 

I agree with you BTDT, but I can understand what pricilla is taking about. I have a friend that stays married because she is afraid to be alone. She is so unhappy, but can't bring herself to leave. And she hasn't had an affair to fill her needs, she just not like that. She just remains unhappily married.

[pricillia]

I see your point here, I feel for people who stay in unhappy marriages. Having an affair only adds more unhappy people to an already unhealthy situation.

 

AGREED! AGREED AGREED

[BenThereDunThat]

Hey BTDT' date=' how you doin'? Were you responding to my post or another one, I am a little confused 'cause you brought up kids. Just asking.[/quote']

 

Hi NID! I was replying to Pricilla's and realized after the fact that it wasn't clear. I think we were all posting at the same time!

 

And HereNow - I too, can understand people staying in unhappy marriages for lots of reasons. I know lots of women who put up with the craziest things because they're afraid to be alone.

 

I'm just not one of them. Granted, I do stupid stuff of course. But fear of being alone has never been a problem for me. In fact, just the opposite.

 

I'll probably end up alone with a house full of cats...

[herenow]

Hi NID! I was replying to Pricilla's and realized after the fact that it wasn't clear. I think we were all posting at the same time!

 

And HereNow - I too, can understand people staying in unhappy marriages for lots of reasons. I know lots of women who put up with the craziest things because they're afraid to be alone.

 

I'm just not one of them. Granted, I do stupid stuff of course. But fear of being alone has never been a problem for me. In fact, just the opposite.

 

I'll probably end up alone with a house full of cats...

 

Not a bad thing. I love my dog more than I love some people. At least I know where I stand with her.

[pricillia]

I respectfully disagree. There are millions of kids out there that come from broken homes. What makes these MM's kids more fragile or different?

 

I'm just coming from a perspective of having been in unhappy situations (MM included) and getting out to save myself.

 

If I had children and decided that it was best for me to stay married, then I would stay married and not have an affair. I can't imagine an absolutely miserable parent is any good for the kids.

 

And if it's money that makes them stay. Well, personally, I'd rather be broke and happy. If a married person would wind up on the street if they got a divorce, then that's a whole 'nother set of problems.

 

I know what you're trying to say, and I probably would have felt the same way. But I'm coming from the perspective of finally getting my head out of my a** and seeing the real picture.

 

and the reason that you were with him was because you needed someone to love and or you fell for him. It was a weak moment in your life.

 

Honestly what have you learned from this whole thing?

[NoIDidn't]

No offense to any OW on this forum - past or present.

 

But I don't understand how anyone stays in the situation when there are so many boards online with the same sad stories practically hourly. I would think that with this new information, more OW would end the A and just move on.

 

My dad is a big time cheater, but I just can't do it. I have seen the women that he has left in his wake. Many still have not recovered and its been YEARS. That is the pain of an A. It takes years to get over it, on both sides - the OW and the BW. My G-Ma is still not over my grandpa, and he has been dead for over 14 years. And they haven't been together since the '60s!!!!! Why do we do these things to ourselves???

 

The MM betrays everyone, even himself. But, because men tend not to be too introspective, its the BW and the OW that are left trying to pick up the pieces.

[BenThereDunThat]

and the reason that you were with him was because you needed someone to love and or you fell for him. It was a weak moment in your life.

 

Honestly what have you learned from this whole thing?

 

That's a very good question. Haven't really thought to actually put it into words.

 

I'll try...

 

I've learned:

 

• That I tend to be an 'accomodator' or a 'pleaser' -- in lots of facets of my life.
  
• That it's okay to think of myself first.
  
• That it's okay to get out of a bad situation, even if you feel like you're practically destroying the other person (exH).
  
• That even if my reasons weren't totally valid for ending my M, so what? I'm living my life for me, no one else.
  
• That everything you've ever heard about being in an affair with a MM is all true. The similarities to them all are mind-boggling.
  
• Though I'm absolutely loathe to give the MM credit for anything, I learned that I can still feel that butterfly-in-the-stomach kind of love at my ripe old age of 37, and now that I have a fresh memory of that feeling, I will not settle for anything less.
  
• That I still have so much more to learn, but for the first time in my life, I'm finally doing things the "right" way and for the right reasons.

I'm sure there's more, but that's all I can come up with right now.

[herenow]

That's a very good question. Haven't really thought to actually put it into words.

 

I'll try...

 

I've learned:

 

• That I tend to be an 'accomodator' or a 'pleaser' -- in lots of facets of my life.
  
• That it's okay to think of myself first.
  
• That it's okay to get out of a bad situation, even if you feel like you're practically destroying the other person (exH).
  
• That even if my reasons weren't totally valid for ending my M, so what? I'm living my life for me, no one else.
  
• That everything you've ever heard about being in an affair with a MM is all true. The similarities to them all are mind-boggling.
  
• Though I'm absolutely loathe to give the MM credit for anything, I learned that I can still feel that butterfly-in-the-stomach kind of love at my ripe old age of 37, and now that I have a fresh memory of that feeling, I will not settle for anything less.
  
• That I still have so much more to learn, but for the first time in my life, I'm finally doing things the "right" way and for the right reasons.

I'm sure there's more, but that's all I can come up with right now.

 

How about that you are human and you make mistakes. How about that you have accepted resposibility for your actions, something that some OW never do. How about that you have learned from your mistake and vow to never do it again.

[NoIDidn't]

BTDT, You go Girl!

 

That is hard work even just posting it for us unknown internet hacks. I commend you. Really. I wish I had that kind of guts, but I am working on it.

[BenThereDunThat]

How about that you are human and you make mistakes. How about that you have accepted resposibility for your actions, something that some OW never do. How about that you have learned from your mistake and vow to never do it again.

 

Definitely, thank you! Forgiving myself is an ongoing battle. But that should have been first on the list. I tend to punish myself (sometimes even for years!) because of past "crimes".

 

I can take a deep breath now and say, ok, you screwed up. You stopped, forgive yourself, move on and don't look back.

[BenThereDunThat]

BTDT, You go Girl!

 

That is hard work even just posting it for us unknown internet hacks. I commend you. Really. I wish I had that kind of guts, but I am working on it.

 

Thanks...it is hard work. I think even thinking about working on it is half the battle though, you know? Lots of people don't even consider that there might be something to work on within themselves.

[pricillia]

That's a very good question. Haven't really thought to actually put it into words.

 

I'll try...

 

I've learned:

 

• That I tend to be an 'accomodator' or a 'pleaser' -- in lots of facets of my life.
  
• That it's okay to think of myself first.
  
• That it's okay to get out of a bad situation, even if you feel like you're practically destroying the other person (exH).
  
• That even if my reasons weren't totally valid for ending my M, so what? I'm living my life for me, no one else.
  
• That everything you've ever heard about being in an affair with a MM is all true. The similarities to them all are mind-boggling.
  
• Though I'm absolutely loathe to give the MM credit for anything, I
  
• learned that I can still feel that butterfly-in-the-stomach kind of love at my ripe old age of 37, and now that I have a fresh memory of that feeling, I will not settle for anything less.

That I still have so much more to learn, but for the first time in my life, I'm finally doing things the "right" way and for the right reasons.

I'm sure there's more, but that's all I can come up with right now.

 

 

Thank-you for answering this question, I honestly think that OW have may things in common as well, I can relate to you in many ways, and how strong you have been.

[silktricks]

I respectfully disagree. There are millions of kids out there that come from broken homes. What makes these MM's kids more fragile or different?

{snip}

If I had children and decided that it was best for me to stay married, then I would stay married and not have an affair. I can't imagine an absolutely miserable parent is any good for the kids.

 

And if it's money that makes them stay. Well, personally, I'd rather be broke and happy. If a married person would wind up on the street if they got a divorce, then that's a whole 'nother set of problems.

{snip}

 

I agree with you BTDT. There are a number of reasons a MP might say that they are staying in the marriage whilst carrying on an affair, but what it always seems to come down to is that they simply don't want to leave. If they were unhappy enough, the marriage would end.

 

For the most part, an affair is simply a really truly crappy way of avoiding dealing with a situation. When the A is discovered, then the situation is dealt with. Either the BS or the WS will walk, or both will work to fix the underlying cause of the unhappiness. To assume that the WS is the only unhappy person in a disfunctional M is ingenuous at best.

 

Quite often though, the unhappiness that "causes" an A is just as transient as the affair itself. The resulting pain can last much longer than the original unhappiness ever did.

[BenThereDunThat]

I agree with you BTDT. There are a number of reasons a MP might say that they are staying in the marriage whilst carrying on an affair, but what it always seems to come down to is that they simply don't want to leave. If they were unhappy enough, the marriage would end.

 

For the most part, an affair is simply a really truly crappy way of avoiding dealing with a situation. When the A is discovered, then the situation is dealt with. Either the BS or the WS will walk, or both will work to fix the underlying cause of the unhappiness. To assume that the WS is the only unhappy person in a disfunctional M is ingenuous at best.

 

Quite often though, the unhappiness that "causes" an A is just as transient as the affair itself. The resulting pain can last much longer than the original unhappiness ever did.

 

Exactly. Which brings to mind another consistent trait I see of spouses who stray - Absolute fear of confrontation. Fear of confronting their unhappiness, the spouse's unhappiness - even the OW/M's unhappiness! Fearing of admitting any mistakes, fear of facing the work it takes to get over a bad patch.

[YesandNo]

you have some very valid points most of this is right on! I would like to ad though that in every relationship it is two sided, you don't know how husband treats wife or how wife treats husband, could be good, could be bad, and yes it is something that they have to work out between the two of them but there are women who have affairs as well, I would like to know what thier reasons are here so we can see both sides.

 

Maybe MM or MW does not feel loved.

 

Great thread herenow.

 

I'm new to LS and I have been blown away by some of the things that I've read here. Herenow, you've put into words anything I could ever say about the subject.

 

Pricilla, that part you wrote here tickled me a little. My exhusband told his OW that I was abusing him! The bastard told her I was not giving him sex regularly and a heap of other lies. When I found out about them I packed up his things and drove them by her house. We had a tug of war with him pushing his things back into my home and me pushing them out along with him. I made him confront her with the truth before I sent him away for good and she was surprised to see what a lying ass he really was. Did that stop her? No! But she was warned. He wound up leaving her for another floozy up her street. I don't know why but she was surprised about that as well. Imagine the trouble she would have saved herself had she read the labels on his dirty behind! The signs were there all along.