LegalEyz Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Hello all. Although I haven't posted until now, I've been reading and reading and reading. No matter how much one reads, they still can't seem to answer their own nagging problems. I will be brief in my story and I'm am hoping for some advise. I have been married almost 10 years, together almost 12. From the onset of our relationship there were problems. Husband is a drug addiction that has come and gone throughout our relationship. He is not the drug addict that dissappears for days, night, weeks, he uses occassionally which I never could understand why and which caused a great deal of strain on our relationship. I helped raise his child for 6 years, who was a problem child, and also put a great strain on our relationship. Through all of this, I continued to believe, hope, pray that the promises and dreams would be real one day and we would live happily every after. Still waiting for that. My husband has gone back and forth with his own construction company. He has always been a very hard worker and took pride in his company. However, whenever things didn't go his way, he would basically quit and go work for someone, then quit there, go back to his business, never stable. I am a very stable person, creature of habit, been working as a paralegal for the same company for 19 years. I do not like instability or too much confusion which has been the story of my marriage. In the past year and a half, we had sold a home and purchased another about 45 miles away from everyone. It is a beautiful place which my husband said would make him happy. Another thing, everything that is always going to make him happy, does for about an hour, and then he needs more to make him happy. Anyway, he quit the STABLE job he was working for about 2 months after we moved so he could do the renovations on the house we were now living in. He did an awesome job by the way. Alot of money and physical work went into this house, however, for the past year he has not worked to bring home a paycheck which has forced us to sell my dream home and move back to where we started. In the past year it has been a major roller coaster with my husband. It has always been an up and down climb, but this past year was the icing. I continued to work, take care of him, take care of his son, cook, clean, pay the bills while he sat back and complained, moaned, groaned about what a deal he was dealt in this life. Everything was all about him, his feelings, what he was going through. I started to become invisible and my stresses and feelings non-existant. I began to pull back from him for this and all the years of feeling that I just didn't matter enough. I always wanted to be more important to him than anything else. And that never came about, until now. We have been separated almost 1 month. The closing on our home is approaching in the beginning of Dec. I am staying with my sister and have found an apartment. He now sees things the way I have been trying to tell him they have been. He wants me to give it another chance. He doesn't want to lose me and I'm not so sure I want to lose him. I do love him very much and I can see something different in him that I haven't seen in 11 years. Is this desparation??? Or can it be sincere??? I have family and friends telling me not to give in. Be strong. Let him struggle and hurt the way I have for years. My only problem with that is I don't want to see him hurt or struggling. He is not a bad person, just someone with issues that can be addressed if he is willing to address them and ultimately can change. We need to move out of our home be Dec 8 and he has not yet found a place to live. I feel sorry for him and don't want him to feel so alone. Does anyone have any advise for me??? I am sorta under the gun and I am feeling like I'm losing my mind. I want him back and want to try, but the advise I'm getting from everyone (including his family) is that people can't change that quickly and I'm being too easy. Is this so??? Thank you for taking the time to read and any advise would help me in what I feel is a desparate situation.
Gunny376 Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Continue with the move to your own place without him. Then let him know that there's a long and narrow road back, with conditions that include: Individual counseling (To include drug rehab ~ and that includes alcohol) Marriage counseling Financial couseling - education No more drugs nor alcohol (addictive personality) Family counseling (You've got to change the family dynamics) Being drug - free for "X" amount of time (minimum of one year) Stable employment for "X" amount of time (mimium of one year) One years worth of income in savings In so far as his pain, regret, loneliness? Too sad. You going to have to let him hit rock bottom before this is all over with (and he's not there yet!) ~ but you're going to have let him do it alone and suffer the pain, or it won't do any good. No enablilng, feeling sorry for him, pitying him, bailing him out. Not because you don't care ~ but because you do care about him ~ regardless of wheather you get back together or not. He wants you? He wants the marriage? He's going to have to roll up his sleeves and earn it the old fashion way ~ by working for it! People value and prize things the most ~ that which they have to work hard for to get. They value and prize the least that which is just given to them. Indeed they take it for granted. Bottom line? No pain ~ no gain! And no you! Everytime he comes around with his line of BS, just tell him, "It doesn't come that easy ~ you've got to want it, you've got to work for it, and you've got to earn it!"
hopeto Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 look, I was married for 15 and dated my husband for 3 yrs so 18 yrs is a long time!!!!! he has an adiction to and if you read some of my post then you will see what I am talking about. I posted the very same question if I should stay or leave. here it is.....the people around you are to close!!!!! I started to se a sike for the issues at hand and he said no major decisions right now because it was to cloudie for me to even think. if you want to work on things then first stay where you are. let him show you the positive changes!!!!!!!! first ask him to go get help for the adiction, then for you both to go and get counsol from an outside source!!!!! please dont go to someone that see the both of you together right off it needs to be you then him then the both of you. if he is willing to change tell him to prove it!!!!!!!!
anna13 Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 sounds like to me that you have been enableing (spelling?) him to continue the way his lifestyle is . kinda like , you know he is a good person and everyone has there flaws ect , and that is probobly true but sounds like alot of the time when something goes wrong because of him or his actions, then you have a counter like well, he does this good, he is a good person ect, . I am sure he is a good person , but he needs to have lines drawn . because you are seperated right now it is the very first time that he has been told that his behavior is not only wrong but it hass concequences. don't feel bad for him , he has to grow up a little when it comes to having a stable job ect. your kind of treating him like a child instead of a man , i think you just got used to taking care of his soo much and he proobly got used to you taking care of him . he really needs time to think about what went wrong. if you swoop down and rescue him from his pain , he will never understand that his behavior is the cause of this. I am suspecting that you already want to come to his defence reading my post but i think you are just so used to doing this. he is not a bad person . and you are not a bad person either. just give him some time to take care of himself and be more responsible. I think that he is acting different ( in a good way ) right now because he realizes that he might lose you . I am not saying that you should just not care about him , of course not , i am just saying give it some time maybe a few weeks. he needs to be awakened from his habits. I know you miss him but this is what he needs.
jmargel Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Continue with the move to your own place without him. Then let him know that there's a long and narrow road back, with conditions that include: Individual counseling (To include drug rehab ~ and that includes alcohol) Marriage counseling Financial couseling - education No more drugs nor alcohol (addictive personality) Family counseling (You've got to change the family dynamics) Being drug - free for "X" amount of time (minimum of one year) Stable employment for "X" amount of time (mimium of one year) One years worth of income in savings In so far as his pain, regret, loneliness? Too sad. You going to have to let him hit rock bottom before this is all over with (and he's not there yet!) ~ but you're going to have let him do it alone and suffer the pain, or it won't do any good. No enablilng, feeling sorry for him, pitying him, bailing him out. Not because you don't care ~ but because you do care about him ~ regardless of wheather you get back together or not. He wants you? He wants the marriage? He's going to have to roll up his sleeves and earn it the old fashion way ~ by working for it! People value and prize things the most ~ that which they have to work hard for to get. They value and prize the least that which is just given to them. Indeed they take it for granted. Bottom line? No pain ~ no gain! And no you! Everytime he comes around with his line of BS, just tell him, "It doesn't come that easy ~ you've got to want it, you've got to work for it, and you've got to earn it!" He's giving great advice, listen to it. Your husband IMO has an immurity problem. He's not being the care taker for you or his own son. As long as he continues to pity himself nothing will change. He needs IC, and you both need MC for this to work. Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results.
Guest Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Thank you all soooo much for your input. I have been told that I always made excuses for him and I know I am an enabler to a point. I also know that I have taken care of him as if he were a child and that is the problem now. I always took care of him because I loved him so much and it brought me pleasure in making my husband happy. However, this didn't seem to ever be enough. I have threatened for years to leave, one last time, one last chance, but never had it in me to do it. I'd leave for a few days and always gone back on my own will. He would make promises but keep them for a few days at the most, and then it would be back to the same ole crap. I have to say it wasn't ALL bad. But the bad times caused me to build a wall to protect myself from the bad. I always tried to appease him with whatever he wanted because it was always going to make him happy. Well, happiness has gone out the window. We have been separated for about a total of 2 months, I had left for a week, gone back, left for 3 weeks gone back for 3 and again I'm gone for 3 weeks. This time tho with the closing on the house coming soon, I found an apartment to try to settle myself for once in a long time. I felt good about it until this past week. In this past week, he has been crying alot, understanding and listening to me alot, realizing his faults and offering to go for counseling, by himself and together. Counseling was a word that was taboo to him since he was let down a few times by some counselors who didn't want to help him for various reasons. He HATED the word. He says he totally understand me, and did not take the time to notice what he had done to me. He hates himself for hurting me and doesn't want to ever hurt me again. I believe him. Why???? He has never EVER gotten to this point. I believe his bottom has fallen out and he has no other choice but to shape up or ship out for good. It is breaking my heart because I want to tell him we can try, but I am standing my ground as much as I can. I don't want to be without him and I feel that most people do deserve to prove themselves. The problem I am having at this time is the house is closing soon, he can't find an apartment because of the dump truck that he has and nobody wants to have this vehicle parked in their driveway or on the street. It is a commercial vehicle. He won't have a place to go soon. I don't want him to be on the street and I don't know if I necessarily want to deny him the chance to prove himself once and for all. Where do I go from here?? HELP!!!!!!! And thank you all again. I feel soo much better hearing comments and opinions from other than family and friends.
Author LegalEyz Posted November 18, 2006 Author Posted November 18, 2006 [FONT=Arial]Thank you all soooo much for your input. I have been told that I always made excuses for him and I know I am an enabler to a point. I also know that I have taken care of him as if he were a child and that is the problem now. I always took care of him because I loved him so much and it brought me pleasure in making my husband happy. However, this didn't seem to ever be enough. I have threatened for years to leave, one last time, one last chance, but never had it in me to do it. I'd leave for a few days and always gone back on my own will. He would make promises but keep them for a few days at the most, and then it would be back to the same ole crap. I have to say it wasn't ALL bad. But the bad times caused me to build a wall to protect myself from the bad. I always tried to appease him with whatever he wanted because it was always going to make him happy. Well, happiness has gone out the window. We have been separated for about a total of 2 months, I had left for a week, gone back, left for 3 weeks gone back for 3 and again I'm gone for 3 weeks. This time tho with the closing on the house coming soon, I found an apartment to try to settle myself for once in a long time. I felt good about it until this past week. In this past week, he has been crying alot, understanding and listening to me alot, realizing his faults and offering to go for counselling, by himself and together. Counselling was a word that was taboo to him since he was let down a few times by some counsellors who didn't want to help him for various reasons. He HATED the word. He says he totally understand me, and did not take the time to notice what he had done to me. He hates himself for hurting me and doesn't want to ever hurt me again. I believe him. Why???? He has never EVER gotten to this point. I believe his bottom has fallen out and he has no other choice but to shape up or ship out for good. It is breaking my heart because I want to tell him we can try, but I am standing my ground as much as I can. I don't want to be without him and I feel that most people do deserve to prove themselves. The problem I am having at this time is the house is closing soon, he can't find an apartment because of the dump truck that he has and nobody wants to have this vehicle parked in their driveway or on the street. It is a commercial vehicle. He won't have a place to go soon. I don't want him to be on the street and I don't know if I necessarily want to deny him the chance to prove himself once and for all. Where do I go from here?? HELP!!!!!!! And thank you all again. I feel soo much better hearing comments and opinions from other than family and friends.[/FONT]
Gunny376 Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 The problem I am having at this time is the house is closing soon, he can't find an apartment because of the dump truck that he has and nobody wants to have this vehicle parked in their driveway or on the street. It is a commercial vehicle. He won't have a place to go soon. Bullhockey! He's been in the construction business for years and people in the trades have friends of a friend that's willing to help someone out. He's just using this as an excuse to get back to the same old same old. Same song second verse. One of the definitions of insanity is that you keep doing the same old thing over and over and over ~ all the while expecting different result. The two of you are caught up in a self perpetuating cycle ~ a negative one at that. I've already posted my opion on the matter ~ if he want you, if he wants this relationship, if he wants this marriage then seperation is necessary, (which btw those of us that post reguarly here almost never advocate)~ which in your case I feel its necessary in order for him and you to do the hard work and to learn the hard lessons necessary to permanately remedy the situation. You need to "man-up" to this guy and tell him as I said, "There's a path back ~ a straight and narrow, and possibly a long one that's going to require him earning his way back into the relationshiip. You start getting weak-mined, weak-willed, post here at LS, we'll give you the shoulder to lean on. We're been through this crap, some of us more than once. Some of the regulars have listened to some posters for six months or more. And, resist being physcially intimate with him ~ it'll give him the motivation - the "moto" he needs to get his head and azz wired back together. Tell him, "It doesn't come that easy! You've got to want it, need it, desire it, and work for it!"
Author LegalEyz Posted November 18, 2006 Author Posted November 18, 2006 Thank you sooo much. I will be very careful with him. I am going home on Sunday to pack some things and I am afraid of giving in to him. I'm sure you all will be getting sick of my posts within the next few days. I will need all the support and azz (like that) kicking I can get. THanks again.
Gunny376 Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 What you'll find here is a divergent of opinions. You've got the "softies" like me, and then you've got the hard azz's like Thor and Dgiirl, MzP, and too many other to list.
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