Spinderella Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I have been seeing a guy for about 4/1/2 months. Well, he seemed really sweet, and said all the right things to woo me. However, more than a few times now, I have had the feeling that he is trying to charm me into the position of being there at his convenience only. Usually I am quite reasonable and have probably given him the benefit of the doubt (another thing, he seems to turn on the tears whenever we have discussed these things, AND blame me, because of my caution with committing), but the last few days, I just snapped, and have become abit of a nag. I don't like being a nag, and I am sure there are better ways to handle this. I am swinging between wondering if he is possibly just immature and not really ready to make any of the compromises neccessary for a relationship, or wondering if I have just not handled this well, and have become the kind of nag no man can develop feelings for. Please understand that it is only the past few days I have begun nagging. Perhaps I handled this whole relationship in the wrong way from the start though. On the other hand, if this is the way this guy operates, then why on earth should I take responsibility for that? Getting that sinking feeling
amaysngrace Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I have been seeing a guy for about 4/1/2 months. Well, he seemed really sweet, and said all the right things to woo me. However, more than a few times now, I have had the feeling that he is trying to charm me into the position of being there at his convenience only. Spin...this is a red flag to me. "seemed" sweet? Is he sweet? 4 and a half months time ought to tell you that. Beware of the charmers. You say he seemed sweet as in past tense. I believe you are nagging as a way to push him out of your life. Because your intuition is telling you to do just that! This is too familiar to me, what you say. Makes me want to puke too.
Spinderella Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Thanks amaysngrace. I don't feel too good at the moment. Not really past tense, he SAYS all the right things, and always has, he even DOES some of the right things too. However, I sometimes wonder how much he means what he says, like he really says how wonderful I am and how much he loves to spend time with me, and yet, where is he? If I bring it up, he will do or say just enough to not lose me, and then things go back to the way they were. Is this most men perhaps? Perhaps this IS my intuition, and all the time I am blaming it on my difficulty with commitment.
amaysngrace Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Is this most men perhaps? No, not most men at all. Just most ABUSIVE men.
Spinderella Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Thanks again. I am really confused at the moment, and now a little bit worried. I know you have had a bad experience (or pile of them) with an abusive man, I wonder it could be possible that you are seeing things more negatively here than they really are? On the other hand, I know that he certainly was being immature and sweet talking me out of being upset with him, or crying his way out of it. Yes, he does certaily sound really immature the more I write. At the time his tears seemed very genuine, and yet, if he had such deep feelings that he would cry at the thought of losing me, you would rather expect that he wouldnt only want to see me infrequently when he has no other plans, wouldnt you?
miss snoopy Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Spindarella - I don't think he's abusive, but he sounds a lot like my ex. He was great at telling me what I wanted to hear, and turning on the tears was dead easy for him. Now we've split up, and I'm privy to how he treated his ex, I'll now be very wary of his bull**** if we ever start speaking again. I did the nagging thing too - it's great you're on the look-out for red flags, but nagging won't help. And don't end things prematurely as he may well be sincere on some level. Actions speak louder than words, so if his words aren't being followed by the appropriate actions, then I'd withdraw from him slightly (physically and emotionally) and see what happens. Push usually leads to pull and vice versa, it sounds like game playing but sometimes these things are neccessary in a relationship.
Spinderella Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Thanks Miss Snoopy, yes thats exactly what I was thinking. I dont usually nag, I usually withdraw, but sometimes I think short term only and just want to nag! Of course, as soon as you start to nag, you know you are doing the wrong thing, and then you feel more insecure, and more like nagging. I'm going to STOP and take some time to think about this. I'm so tempted to just end it, but, as you say, it is premature, and I may only wonder if I made a rash mistake. I just hope I havent nagged him away completely. All I know, is that I am confused, and so the most sensible action is no action at the moment. Thankyou so much for putting things into perspective for me!
Jane Doe Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 How old is this guy? I think these sinking feelings you're getting is your gut telling you to beware. I've read some of your replies to people on other threads and I can tell you're a very intelligent and insightful lady. You need to use the wisdom you give to others on yourself. Take a big step back from this relationship and look at it objectively. If your best friend were with this guy, what would you advise her to do? He sounds like a big talker but a little doer. If he loved spending time with you, he would be doing it, not just saying it. Follow your intuition.
Spinderella Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Thankyou so much Jane Doe, you are very wise yourself, and I appreciate your advice. You are correct, his words and actions are not quite matching up. I have not spoken to him today, although he has attempted to get in touch. I really do need to take some steps back from this, as you say. It has been a long time since I was in a relationship and I am usually very cautious, maybe bordering commitment phobic. Because of this, it is easy for me to pass off my gut feelings as being phobic, and I tend to get extremely confused. I am going to take some time out to get clear headed about this. Of course I will probably be posting here alot more than usual. Thankyou so much, I was not going to post about my own situation on here, but I am very glad I did, because it is helping me alot.
Guest Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 This is so familiar to me as well. I didnt want to see things as they really were in my realtionship and I wasted 2.5 yrs on a guy I chose to see through rose-colored glasses. I have to say, that if you find yourself making excuses for his behavior (even to yourself), or things just dont seem quite right, this is a bad thing. My ex was so back and forth, and I cannot believe I put up with so little for so long. He was king at telling me the right thing just when I was ready to bail. You know, over the course of our relationship he told that I was and was not the "one" for him...several times. I have tried to come up with the reasons I stayed and all I can think was the I kept looking for that amazingly sweet and attentive guy I knew for the first few months. In that time I was on cloud 9, so it made it worth it for me to wait and see if that would return...and I kept looking for it to. I will NEVER do that again. Everyone I know that is in a good/healthy relationship doesnt deal with this kind of $hit. Sure, there are indeed problems, and I am sure you question the relationship at times, and it can get boring and is always a lot of work, but it is the kind of work you are both committed to, anf there is that CORE that you both believe in. Your boyfriend should indeed treat you like a queen. I wish you luck in your decision and hope, if you already know in your gut this guy is not the one for you, you do not waste much time figuring it out. I think people come into our lives for various reasons. Honeslty, I think my ex came into my life to show me what kind of person I would end up with if I didnt love myself enough. Good luck
Spinderella Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Thankyou very much guest. The trouble is, I thought I WAS being treated like a queen, because his words and emotions (and even as I mentioned before, some of his actions) seemed to suggest that he had very deep feelings for me. Then I began to notice that he had a way of saying things that made it look as though he were offering alot, but, was perhaps only offering that which he knew I would not accept. Or he would offer things verbally, knowing that I am independent and also cautious and would likely say no, instead of just DOING things. Such as offering to cancel other arrangements to see me, when if he really wanted to see me, he would just cancel. Offering financial things, whereas if you really feel like buying somebody a gift, wouldnt you just DO it. Also he is very good at talking his way out of these things, usually including a pity story that is bound to make me feel sorry for him. Yet he seems such a gentle, sweet guy. I do wonder, are these things quite common to men, though. Alot of men seem to do things only to impress etc.
Jane Doe Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Yep, this guy is definitely a talker. The more I read about him, the more I'm convinced. Love isn't an emotion only -- it's an action. Anybody can talk big and say all kinds of things but actually doing them is another thing altogether. He may be fine for once in a while casual dating, but if you're looking for a bonafide relationship, I don't think he's the man.
Guest Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I guess my veiled point is this: If you feel like you can be truly happy with the person as they are, then you have yourself an amazing relationship. If however, you wish your significant other would change some of his CORE behavior, and THEN you would be truly happy with that person, dont hold your breath. People DO change, but they change for themselves, not someone else. They change when they finally get that the way THEY are behaving is not bringing them happiness and they have made the choice that they are sick of it. The timing of their change may make it appear that they have changed for a specific person, even to themselves, but really it all has to do with timing. OR they may never change. From my own experience, this isnt worth waiting around for. I just dont want to think that you are settling. I know it is lonely being alone...I am in that situation now. I am not saying you ARE settling, but our guts truly DO NOT lie to us. Sometimes we just dont want to listen. So many people say that when it is right you just know it. I have to believe this, because when it hasnt been right for me, I have always just known it, and from very early on. It has been my choice to ignore it.
Spinderella Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Thankyou both. I am feeling quite sick, I react badly to this type of thing.
Guestxyz Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Does this ever sound familiar. I think you've received A LOT of good advice. From the charm, saying all the right things, making you feel like special but all words and no true action to back it up with. If a guy is really into you, his actions will speak louder than words. He will be generous with his time, his emotions, be protective of you and want to please you. The guy should also want to spoil you. Sorry but I've just come through the ringer with something similar and your story rings warning bells with me.
Spinderella Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Thanks for all of your replies. I have not contacted him nor replied to his contact which wasnt really saying anything much. I dont like to ignore a person, as I dont like to be ignored myself, but I am confused, and it is probably better to avoid communication at the moment. I am trying to work out whether I have been unreasonable, and if so where. If I was unreasonable, then why? Was it because my instincts were telling me something and that he was not to be trusted? Was it because I was sensing that his feelings had changed or that his feelings were not quite genuine to begin with. Even if it was nothing to do with him, and I was being very unreasonable, then should I really be having a relationship with anybody right now? These are all the questions I need the answers to, and I am trying to observe the answers in myself.
Jane Doe Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 If a guy is really into you, his actions will speak louder than words. He will be generous with his time, his emotions, be protective of you and want to please you. The guy should also want to spoil you. EXACTLY!! Spinderella, I've said this before -- go with your gut instinct. I don't think the problem is whether or not you should be in a relationship with anybody. It's should you be in a relationship with him. If you're having all these doubts about his interest and devotion now, imagine what things will be like when the newness of the relationship wears off? He should be fawning over you at this point.
gonetildecember Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 For me in situations like this.. and I've gotten myself into them quite a few times.. trust your gut. If it sounds like he's only saying what he thinks you want to hear, and if his actions don't support those words- then maybe your intuition is correct. It's happened to me, quite a few times, where I figured I was just being paranoid, an then later I found out he was too good to be true.. so i say... if u think he's playing you.. he probably is. Or it could just be that previous relationships have made you paranoid lol (somewhat like me) It sucks that other people have to suffer because of our bad experiences...
Spinderella Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Oh dear, I am really confused. I accepted his gift, see other post. Perhaps I shouldnt have done. I only saw him briefly, and he seemed not to want to talk seriously. I did say that rather than a gift I would prefer that he speak to me honestly. He said again that he didnt do as much as he wanted to, because he didnt want to scare me off, and he knew I liked to take things slow. Again he seemed to agree with everything I said. I wanted to be compassionate, and assume that he was maybe just trying to find his footing in the relationship, as it is still quite early on. I feel extremely depressed. I can honestly say that I dont know what I am doing.
Recommended Posts