Pink Amulet Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I am dating a man. A perfect specimen of a man. He is just about the most strikingly handsome man I have ever seen. He is well educated, intelligent, worldy, kind, giving, has a great sense of humour and is a wonderful lover. So why am I not happy with him?!!? When things are going too well do we long for drama? Or is it when someone seems so flawless they make us uncomfortable? I now know I deserve a great guy but I always feel like I am not good enough for him! I feel like everything we do is something out of hollywood- there is this sense of "airbrushed" relations between us. It is almost like we are acting in some movie about a perfect couple. Am I being ridiculous? Help me LSers!
TheSilentType Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I am dating a man. A perfect specimen of a man. He is just about the most strikingly handsome man I have ever seen. He is well educated, intelligent, worldy, kind, giving, has a great sense of humour and is a wonderful lover. Pink, thank you for the compliments. And yes, you don't deserve me...you never will! hahaha All joking aside, it sounds like you have the rose-colored glasses on. How long have you two been going out? Give it time. Then you'll start seeing the real side of this person and he'll come down a notch. Things always seem great in the beginning because who really shows the skeletons in their closets from the get go. There's a lot of acting that goes on when people first meet.
magichands Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I am dating a man. I figured that those rumours were baseless.
Author Pink Amulet Posted November 17, 2006 Author Posted November 17, 2006 About 2 months. I have tried to find these skeletons... asking about his past, his exes, probing as much as I can. He smoked a bit of weed when he was sixteen. He had two serious girlfriends, he says about both that they just wern't right for each other. He is still friends with both. He appears flawless. I am not the only one to think this. It is killing me- I am even too nervous to tell him about the cancer. I don't know why. I guess I figure it is a pretty big flaw (I probably can't have children either) I even wake up earlier than him in the morning to check my hair and brush my teeth! It is pathetic. He is unintentionally making me feel sh*t! What the hell is wrong with me!?
littlekitty Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 No-one is flawless. No-one is perfect. Give it time!! Something about him will bug you no doubt. Perhaps he picks his nose and wipes it on your curtains. Or he wee's on the toilet seat... something will ruin the flawless look eventually. Two months isn't nearly long enough for someone's 'new partner' facade to drop. We all do it, even without knowing it. Of course we put our best side forward. But we can't keep it up forever, and you'll no doubt notice holes in it soon!! I know what you mean about the 'isn't this too good to be true' thing. I thought that at first with my SO. But I learnt quickly to just go with the flow and enjoy it. And I still am nearly 2 years later. Sometimes relationships are just good.. and do just flow with few issues. I know he loves me for all my faults and no matter if I've brushed my teeth and hair or not! (I used to run and do that too!! ) My only concern would be that he's making you feel a bit crap about yourself?! But then again, I'd suggest that it's YOU making yourself feel crap. For some reason you've decided he's perfect and you're not, and you're almost holding it against him?!! I'd tell him about the cancer. It's only fair really, and wouldn't you want to be honest with him. Who knows, in telling him that perhaps you'll find out he isn't perfect? Or perhaps that's what worries you about doing it?!
burning 4 revenge Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I'd tell him about the cancer. It's only fair really, and wouldn't you want to be honest with him. Who knows, in telling him that perhaps you'll find out he isn't perfect? Or perhaps that's what worries you about doing it?! If he sees your battle with cancer as a defect then he'd be far from flawless.
magichands Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 No-one is flawless. No-one is perfect. Well, my ex is. They can be perfect for you. But then little things don't bother me. It has to be something of substance to get on my radar screen. The obvious thing to mention is that I wasn't perfect for them. Perhaps what I mean, in another way, is I wasn't good enough for them. That's not an imaginary phenomenon. Of course that can be the case. We're all different, we all have different qualities, and valuing those qualities is subjective. So, one could argue that no person is "better" than any other person. But we all know that is utter psychobabble. Crap - if you will.
amaysngrace Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 When I see people who have had cancer, I don't see them as flawed. I see them as strong. Pink, I'm happy to hear you have such a wonderful man in your life. You deserve someone who you view as near perfect, not that he is perfect, but maybe he is just perfect for you! Which is all any of us are seeking. But I think the way you view yourself for having fought cancer is quite different from the way I, an outsider, see you. I see you as a woman who has grit, integrity, and character. You are a survivor, darling. And that is only to be admired, never, NEVER to be looked down upon. When the time comes that you share this with him, I'm guessing he is only going to have MORE respect for you. I know I would.
Author Pink Amulet Posted November 17, 2006 Author Posted November 17, 2006 AWWW you guys!! *blushes* I knew I could count on my LSers to slap some sense in to me! You deserve someone who you view as near perfect, not that he is perfect, but maybe he is just perfect for you Grace- I never thought of it that way! Thank you for your kind words! LK- I am glad to hear you have experienced this. I just hope he can't keep this up for ever- I know I sure as hell can't! B4R- You are completely right. What the hell was I thinking. I sometimes think about all the pain I caused everyone around me, and I begin to feel ashamed and guilty. I need to stop. I think before I sabotage this relationship, I will just come out and be honest. He can accept all my flaws, or not. I will let you know how it goes! Magichands- You crack me up P.S do the ladies want to see what a looker this guy is?
amaysngrace Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 P.S do the ladies want to see what a looker this guy is? uh huh!
littlekitty Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 If he sees your battle with cancer as a defect then he'd be far from flawless. Oh I absolutely agree!
littlekitty Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 You deserve someone who you view as near perfect, not that he is perfect, but maybe he is just perfect for you! Which is all any of us are seeking. So well put! That's all any of us want.
amaysngrace Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 So well put! That's all any of us want. Gee thanks. I stole that line off Robin Williams in "Good Will Hunting". So where's the pic? Pink? HeLLOOO???
amaysngrace Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I think she's getting shagged by the hottie.
littlekitty Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Gee thanks. I stole that line off Robin Williams in "Good Will Hunting". So where's the pic? Pink? HeLLOOO??? Thief!!!
amaysngrace Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Thief!!! Didn't you get that vibe from me, LK? I'm in the criminal element. Only from time to time though. I don't make a career out of it or nuthin'.
littlekitty Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Didn't you get that vibe from me, LK? I'm in the criminal element. Only from time to time though. I don't make a career out of it or nuthin'. Well I always knew you were a bit dodgy...!! I won't tell though.... *sssshhhh*
Steph21 Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I tend to shy away from the "perfect" ones, too. You feel like you can not do one thing wrong, make one mistake, reveal one flaw. It's true, they will dump you for any dumb reason. I think perfectionists are too preoccupied with themselves to ever really love anyone.
Guest Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Two months isn't nearly long enough for someone's 'new partner' facade to drop. We all do it, even without knowing it. Of course we put our best side forward. But we can't keep it up forever, and you'll no doubt notice holes in it soon!! This cannot be emphasized enough. Many, many, MANY people can look 'perfect' during the first few months 1-3 months seems to be the 'golden' period in most relationships. And yes, people say they 'try to see flaws' but just as you're hiding things that you feel are flaws and have managed to keep it up for this long, so could he be. There are people who have turned out to be abusers that looked golden during the first few months. Wait 6 - 9 months. People are actually very complicated beings and it does take at least that long to get to know them fairly well. I'm betting the cracks will appear around 9 months. Of course if you really can't deal with all that perfection, send him this way - I'm sure I could manage
luvtoto Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Pink, I think you are just bored with him. Ever heard the saying: Perfect is boring, Human is beautiful?
pseudofemme Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Hey Pink, I've been in a similar situation. The guy seemed so flawless, I was killing myself trying to stay "perfect" around him. Basically what I learned from that experience is this... A relationship is not just about how you feel towards another person. Strangely enough, it's also about how the other person makes you feel about yourself. I read a quote once that was something like, "Part of love is liking who YOU become when you're around the other person." It sounds to me like you're not happy because you are afraid to completely be yourself around this guy. It's interesting you describe your interactions as "airbrushed..." perhaps HE feels intimidated by YOU and is thinking the same thing, that he can't reveal his flaws you'll leave him! Who knows. Either way, I know that sort of Hollywood feeling you're describing. In my experience, that's almost always the result of two people putting on a show for each other. They are not revealing their true selves, maybe out of fear, maybe out of manipulation, or maybe because they just don't truly connect on the deepest emotional level. Those kinds of relationships end up being unfulfilling in the long run. It's kind of like--you can get a really fancy, expensive piece of jewlery, but if you can't enjoy it because you're constantly worrying about breaking it, then what's the point of having it in the first place? Same with guys. You can have someone who looks perfect on paper, who matches every set of "ideal mate" criteria you have, but if you feel like you can't enjoy being with that person because you think you'll mess something up... then what's the point? Think about it... if you ended up marrying this guy, would you be willing to continually wake up earlier than him every morning to make sure you look flawless? Every day for the rest of your life? If I were you, I'd let your guard down a little and see how he reacts. Let him see you with unbrushed hair. Let him know about the cancer. Chances are, these things will make him like you even more. If he has a problem with the fact that you're human, then he is a loser and you should start looking for someone who loves ALL of you, not just the ideal version you're trying to maintain right now. You deserve unconditional love. If this guy can't offer that, move on. If he can, you've hit the jackpot.
magichands Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Gee thanks. I stole that line off Robin Williams in "Good Will Hunting". I want to stress that I stole it first in this thread (subconsciously) - so there. They can be perfect for you.
Author Pink Amulet Posted November 18, 2006 Author Posted November 18, 2006 Wow Pseudofemme! Fantastic advice! Especially this: It's interesting you describe your interactions as "airbrushed..." perhaps HE feels intimidated by YOU and is thinking the same thing, that he can't reveal his flaws you'll leave him! You are right. I saw him last night, and broke down saying I couldn't stand how perfect everything was and I revealed some of my ugly side. He seemed very accepting of it all, and reacted PERFECTLY. Yet still nothing out of him... so now I feel even worse! Pink, I think you are just bored with him. Ever heard the saying: Perfect is boring, Human is beautiful? Very true luv. Picture is coming. I just can't seem to find somewhere to host it.
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