I'm in Love!

[ajonesman]

Hi Loveshack,

 

I'm in love ... and well, she is in love with me. It's great, we respect each other, care about each other and get along in so many ways. The best part is the way we make each other laugh.

 

That's the great part ... the other side is she is married. It is something we have talked about and so we've labeled our relationship a loving friendship. I'd be lying if I didn't say our feelings run deeper then that. To be in full disclosure we have never engaged in any kind of physical relations. We have never even kissed or held hands. We have talked about it, but realize it would destroy our friendship and cause hurt, both to us and her family.

 

So, if you gotten this far, you may be wondering why she is married to someone else. Kids. She has put her needs and wants aside for her kids. The real tragedy is that he is hurting the kids, not physically, but emotionally and is proving to not be a healthy influence on their lives. She is constantly trying to repair the damaged caused by him. All I've ever offered is an ear when she needs to talk. I will not ever advise her to leave her husband, it's not my place.

 

I have shared with her that I will not take advantage of her and I want to be the best friend I can be to her. Which is very true, I love her and that is the best thing I can do.

 

I find myself in a situation I've never been before experiencing feelings that are rare and wonderful for someone I shouldn't have them for. And on the other end she shares these feeling with me ... so we'll sit together, I think overwhelming for us both. It is both wonderful and scary for both of us. I know her well enough I feel like I can include her in that statement. We've been friends for 2 and a half years and this has been going on with us for about the last year and a half, well thats when we admit it started ... but in reality probably from when we first met.

 

She loves her children very much and will do anything for them. I guess it is one of the qualities I love about her as well.

 

I wish I had a way of explaining this relationship to you in a way that expresses how amazing it has been. Yes, she is married and yes we love each other. It has been one of the most open and honest relationships I've experienced and it's not something I'm ashamed of and I don't think she is either because of the fact we have not crossed those lines that would completely dishonor her family or either of our pride. I understand by admitting we share feeling for each other some lines have been crossed. I'm honest and forthright about that. I also know life is not black and white and life gets messy.

 

So here I am sharing my messy life story with you. I don't think I'm asking for help, but I want to share this with someone. Maybe someone has had a similar experience and can offer some advice or has something constructive to say.

 

Thank you

[LucreziaBorgia]

It has been one of the most open and honest relationships I've experienced

 

So... that means her husband knows about and condones the relationship? If not, then your relationship by its very nature is not 'open and honest'. It it based entirely on deception and lies of omission and can exist only as long as the lies hold up.

 

The real tragedy is that he is hurting the kids, not physically, but emotionally and is proving to not be a healthy influence on their lives.

 

She loves her children very much and will do anything for them.

 

Do anything except get them away from an abusive situation? By staying, she isn't putting the needs and wants of her children first. She is staying married at the cost of their best interests. Why doesn't she divorce him? Has she given a reason as to why she continues to allow her children to be abused by this man? Are you sure she is even telling you the truth about him? Have you experienced it firsthand?

 

He may be father of the year material and she could be feeding you a line to make her look like a martyr to her marriage, when in fact she is willingly choosing to stay married despite how much she loves you. It sounds like more of a cakewoman thing to me. However, no one wants to appear to be a cakeperson - a 'marriage victim' status is easy to fabricate and makes the cakeperson look more desireable and sympathetic in the eyes of their lover.

 

Where do you want this relationship to go? Do you want her to get off the fence so you can have an actual relationship with her, where she is all yours and you are all hers? Do you want to help raise her children? Have you shared this sort of thing with her? What was her reaction? Did she even mention divorce? Do you have any sort of plan, or are you content to continue being the OM on the side?

[Ripples]

Everything that LB has said, plus, you're contradicting yourself with your last paragraph. Do you just want to tell your story or do you want advice? Sorry to be picky.

 

So here I am sharing my messy life story with you. I don't think I'm asking for help, but I want to share this with someone. Maybe someone has had a similar experience and can offer some advice or has something constructive to say.

Thank you

[Spinderella]

Everything that LB has said, plus, you're contradicting yourself with your last paragraph. Do you just want to tell your story or do you want advice? Sorry to be picky.

 

 

Originally Posted by ajonesman

So here I am sharing my messy life story with you. I don't think I'm asking for help, but I want to share this with someone. Maybe someone has had a similar experience and can offer some advice or has something constructive to say.

Thank you

 

LOL . sorry

[westernxer]

You need to get away from this woman before she destroys you completely.

[Spinderella]

You need to get away from this woman before she destroys you completely.

 

Agree. Most often when I have read the OMs story, he has fallen in love with a woman with an "abusive" husband. This doesnt neccessarily mean that it is all fabrication, but alot of these OM have been involved with the married woman with the abusive husband for many years, and offered full support in helping her to get out of the marriage, safely, and with support. So why dont the women take up that offer?

It does make you wonder. The story of the OW and MM only varies slightly, but is basically the same.

Do you feel somehow that you may be able to save her from the situation? I get that alot from the OM story, I think the whole damsel in distress thing is very appealing to a man.

[westernxer]

Do you feel somehow that you may be able to save her from the situation? I get that alot from the OM story, I think the whole damsel in distress thing is very appealing to a man.

 

Especially for this guy.

[ajonesman]

I wish it was as black and white. Does the husband know we hang out and are friends? Yes. Does he know we share feelings? Probably. Have I sat down with him and explicitly expressed to him the exact and true nature of my feelings for her? No. Do I want to save her no. Are we secrete Lovers? No. Do I want to be a secrete Lover with her? No. Do I want to be supportive of her? Yes. Do I want to be an honest friend to her? Yes.

 

One of our recent conversations I told her that I hope she and her husband can get things back on track and their relationship and be strong again. I also said to her I hope someday she can share me with him and tell him that I was a friend for her and someone she could talk to when she was low. I really hope that happens. As far as he is hurting the kids ... I woudn't say he is abusive and I apologize if that is the impression I gave. He is not there for the kids and has become very withdrawn or he is extremely critical of them. The kids and his family come in second for him and this has gone on for a long time now. Have I experienced this first hand? Yes. I don't really want to explain this here, but I have a pretty close relationship with the kids and talk to them almost daily. I suggested to her she go to couples counseling together and work on their relationship, thus far she is willing and he is not. And maybe for the record her son, the oldest, is in counseling to deal with much of the issues caused by dad. The therapist guy has sat down with dad and basically told him he is screwing up. It seemed to make a difference for a day, then he goes back to his old pattern.

 

So, what is it I share with her? Hard to say and to give is a name. We are very close friends. I do love her, and I want what is best for her and her family. It is her choice to leave him and if she did, my focus would be supportive of her and being a friend ... not taking advantage of her. It is suggested here that I turn my back on her before she somehow "destroys me"? Seems silly to that two grown adults not share their companionship.

 

To LucreziaBorgia ... Thank you for your questions. I don't know where I want this to go. I want her to be happy. She is not, it is a question I asked her and she broke down and cried as she said she was not happy. We have both expressed that someday if the time was right there would be an interest to explore something together. But we both agreed that we do not want to do that in secrete and now is not the right time for that. We acknowledge that there may or may not be a time for us, only time will tell. I guess it that statement is makes is sound like I'm waiting for her ... and I'm really not. I told her if I were to meet someone today, it is important to me that that new person accept her as a friend, and know she is a close friend of mine because she is like family to me. But as where I want my relationship with her to go. I want to be close to her, I want to love her and I want to be a positive influence in her life. She has talked about divorce and I believe she is thinking about it. If it happens I want it to be for the right reasons ... and I believe it would be. She even talked to me about the fact it would be important for her to be by herself for a period of time afterwards. I totally agree that would be important for her. So, I don't now if that answered your questions, but thank you for your comments.

[herenow]

If you really had respect for her, you would respect her marriage.

[noforgiveness]

If you really had respect for her, you would respect her marriage.

another great post.

[herenow]

another great post.

 

Your posts ring true to me as well. I think you and I agree on a lot of things.

[noforgiveness]

Your posts ring true to me as well. I think you and I agree on a lot of things.

 

Yes I've been waiting to get pm privleges to pm you. I'm hoping it's 100 posts. I think we have similar things going on and you seem to be doing well so i have questions.

[herenow]

Yes I've been waiting to get pm privleges to pm you. I'm hoping it's 100 posts. I think we have similar things going on and you seem to be doing well so i have questions.

 

Maybe we can help each other. I'm trying to figure out PM as well, let me know if you figure it out.

 

I literally shake my head when I read some of the stuff here. I'm trying to understand, but it all seems so destructive on so many levels. I question why anyone would put themselves through such an ordeal.

 

I am doing well in my situation. Part of it is taking responsibility for my own happiness and knowing that the choice is mine to be happy or not. I would love nothing more than to get beyond my H's affair and live a wonderful life with him and our family. It's easier said than done and requires a lot of work and patience on both our parts. The good news is we are both willing to put in the effort to make it work. The is no quick fix and only time will tell. I am getting some insight on this board and hopefully I can help someone else as well.

[noforgiveness]

Maybe we can help each other. I'm trying to figure out PM as well, let me know if you figure it out.

 

I literally shake my head when I read some of the stuff here. I'm trying to understand, but it all seems so destructive on so many levels. I question why anyone would put themselves through such an ordeal.

 

I am doing well in my situation. Part of it is taking responsibility for my own happiness and knowing that the choice is mine to be happy or not. I would love nothing more than to get beyond my H's affair and live a wonderful life with him and our family. It's easier said than done and requires a lot of work and patience on both our parts. The good news is we are both willing to put in the effort to make it work. The is no quick fix and only time will tell. I am getting some insight on this board and hopefully I can help someone else as well.

exactly how i feel right now.

[GreenEyedLady]

AJM: Welcome to OW/OM Forum! I bet you couldn't tell from all posts!

[ajonesman]

AJM: Welcome to OW/OM Forum! I bet you couldn't tell from all posts!

 

HI GreenEyedLady! Thanks for the welcome. Yeah, it was hard to tell if this was a support form for people sharing similar experiences or just a freak show!

 

Thanks!

[GreenEyedLady]

AJM: Yeah, the name of the forum denotes your sentiment but it's been overrun by BS's as of late...hang around, if not anything else, there's LIVELY debate...

[LucreziaBorgia]

She even talked to me about the fact it would be important for her to be by herself for a period of time afterwards.

 

Just protect your heart in this - the last thing you want to be is the victim of the old 'exit affair' game.

[stillhere]

AJM: Welcome to OW/OM Forum! I bet you couldn't tell from all posts!

 

I second the welcome!!!

 

AJM, it's nice to have a male in the mix.

[kymberann]

Hey, AJM

Hang in there. Every situation is different. Sometimes I feel there is no rhyme or reason why I got into my particular situation, but I did. I haven't been very active around these parts because sometimes the advice sounds belittling and accusatory. Anyway, I am where I am at and so is everyone else who has their story. It does add up to something, I just don't know wha it is yet.

 

Back to you...have you asked yourself what you really want out of this relationship?

Best

Kimberly

[ajonesman]

Hi gang!

 

I'm really happy to hear some people here that are willing to have a discussion instead of pointing fingers. One think I've learned in life when looking at other peoples situations (relationship or otherwise) it is rarely as black and white as it appears on the surface.

 

One question that keeps coming up is have I thought about what I want. Again it is not so black and white. I have told her she is like family to me, and if I were to meet someone new I want her to not be a secret to my new partner, I really wish they be friends. I honestly believe and want this is this is the case. This is part of why I've never kissed her ... or crossed that line. Because it would make a friendship impossible with other people involved.

 

That said we admit to feelings for each other and if the time was right ... or even developed at all we would both be interested in exploring a relationship ... as long as it was not a secret. I don't think either of us wants to carry on a secret relationship. Our friendship is not a secrete from anyone, including her husband and kids. What is a secret is the feelings we do have. I'm not saying that is right or wrong. I've always believed you don't choose your friends and you don't choose who you fall in love with. But you do choose your actions and choices. We have made the choice to explore our friendship and the choice to admit our feelings to each other. We also consciously made the choice to not pursue a physical relationship. This time and place is not the right time or circumstances to be in that romantic place.

 

What we admit to is that there is a possibility ... but she needs to leave her relationship first and be ready to pursue something for the right reasons (ie her marriage is over because it is no longer working, it is a question she asks, and is unable to answer herself. She is trying to work it out with him.). What I want is to be supportive of someone I love. If she stays I want to be a close friend. If she leaves, I want to be a close friend. If we become involved in a relationship, I want that to be a real honest and open relationship, for the right reasons. Those are the things I want.

 

So what does that make us? Friends? More then friends? What line have we exactly crossed is probably debatable ... some will say we have no business being the friends we are, others will say we are fine. If I was female would there even be an issue being the friends I am with her? I'm not saying what is right or wrong ... just saying what is. I'm not hiding from the fact that there maybe questionable feelings on either side. I'm just saying the truth and what is.

[stillhere]

You're right, if you were a female, there would be no problems, but because you are a male, some would say that you are having an EA (emotional affair). So i guess we can say that this is what you are having.

 

I have always felt closer to members of the opposite sex. I realize that most wanted more from me than what i wanted from them. I find most women to be catty and judgemental, and i can't deal with that. I have had mostly male friends all my life. When you aren't ugly, you are automatically branded a threat.

 

That said, i don't see the big deal, as long as you don't cross that line. Be fully aware that if you do meet someone and introduce your MW to her, problems will more than likely arise. Us women are pretty good at detecting if our SO has a closer relationship with another female that they are not outright telling us about. We notice the eye contact and body language and can read farther into it than you may think.

 

As long as you keep it as just friends, continue. But be careful. If there has already been discussion about this situation, someone won't let go of the other easily.

[Spinderella]

She stated that she wants to try to work her marriage out. The thing is, that her marriage will undoubtedly be better and more bearable with you boosting her and fulfilling her emotional needs on the side. So you do realise that she will not ever leave while you are hanging around. I cannot see a smooth transition into a new relationship for you. I think what would likely happen is that soon as she got a sniff of you seeing somebody else, she would send you subtle messages that she may be more available. Perhaps suddenly her and her h would begin fighting, etc etc. Perhaps she would be unsure of her marriage working out after all. Perhaps she may genuinely feel like this too. Not saying she is manipulative, I think this behaviour is quite natural, and lets face it, very few people are consistently self aware. Its the same as the MM who is getting his emotional and physical needs outside of his marriage, he is scared to lose the OW, and having her makes married life so much more bearable.

I dont know if its too late to turn things back to a normal friendship, and of course, everybody gets some needs met by friendship too, but, those needs of feeling loved and desirable, you should not be giving her. Because it is just not going to work well for you in any way.

[GreenEyedLady]

AJM: I want to be supportive and I'm not sure how...It's good that you have thought about what you want and the circumstances surrounding that...I just know from my own experience that this will be hard either way...

 

I worked with a man who was a MM and he was a best friend to me and mentor...to make a long story short: I got D, a couple years later he separated...SW calls and accuses me of having an affair (not true), he tries to have sex with me, I say no, not until you're ready to be in a serious R with me...he gets back with W...it's uncomfortable and I lose my best friend and other friends I use to work with...

 

So, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't...just keep your eyes open...good luck--GEL