bchlvr Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 It seems like many of us have been treated poorly in the course of our relationship with our ex. So, given that reality, you would think it would be easier to let go and move on even while mourning the loss. It is bewildering to me why letting go is so difficult. Why the constant, even uncontrolable thoughts of the other person? You are doing the things to move forward but all the ruminating is like spinning your wheels. As someone else on here said, in the process of letting go we tend to put the ex and the relationship up on a pedestal. It’s all so counterintuitive. Insights?
Krying Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 For me, love is unconditional. Despite the fact she left me and did it in a very cold fashion, doesn't detract from my loving her. Love is compassion and understanding and willing to forgive someone. I'm trying to move on not because I want to, but I have no other choice. She is now married with a kid on the way. I know I should be moving on and giving up all hope, but I'm not quite there yet. I cared for her more than anyone else in my life. I am not a cold hearted person so this will take me a long long time to get over the hurt and pain of not having her in my life again. I don't think anyone chooses to just sit and wallow and not want to move on. Physically my entire body is aching. I can't sleep, eat or focus on anything. Who in their right mind would actually choose to experience that. Time will heal things, but I think right now, it will really only dull ones true feelings.
Guest Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I think you hit on it with the biggest word in your post: HOPE In some ways, I think it might be easier to cope with the death of a loved one , because there is some finality. We "hope," that someday, our significant other will 'snap out of it' and turn back into the loving person that we once knew, and actually stay that way for the rest of their life...yeah right..!! That damned thing called "hope" is what keeps us miserable for so long...
ralph124c Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Yes, once we've 'allowed' ourselves to love someone, how do we stop loving them when it's not longer the right or healthy thing? Especially because love is, like Krying said, compassion, forgiveness, unconditional. But there are different types of love, and the only REALLY undconditional love is probably between parents and offspring. You can only put up with so much from a partner, and even then you'll still love them.... but only until you don't any more! I still love, in some way, a woman who was an absolute terror to me, manipulative, incredibly selfish, spoiled, even occasionally violent (half the time, the other half was extreme highs), and am struggling like hell to disengage my emotions from her. Everyone I know is totally bewildered why I would have feelings for her and allow myself to suffer because of her so much. I don't know how many times I've heard 'she's not worth it' 'you can do so much better' etc. But no one else loved her. So love is sometimes the 'wrong' thing to do, I think. Or at least the kind of love can be wrong, especially if it puts the partner's needs and happiness before your own. Sometimes the real loving thing (for both of you) is probably to let someone go. It's also difficult to move on because we don't like to admit we we're wrong. We invest all this time and emotion in a relationship, and there's this huge sense of disappointment when it doesn't work out. We misjudged, misread, were fooled, or fooled ourselves. We have to mourn the lost possibility of the future we saw with them. Another chapter ended, and it didn't turn out how we had hoped. It is bereavment, but as Guest said, in some ways it's more difficult because the ex still exists -- and as long as they do, there's always the POSSIBILITY of seeing them again. I guess that's why NC is the only way to really get over someone. One thing that has been a little helpful for me is to remember how horrible I felt in previous break-ups: like I still loved the person and could not deal with it even if I was hurt or sure it was over, could not let go once and for all, that I would never meet someone else, etc. All that was wrong. I no longer love her at all, just a bit of residual compassion. So my current situation, and surely yours, WILL pass. Some day I will no longer love this unhealthy person or feel attached to her in any way. That's just the way it is. I just hope it's soon!
Jane Doe Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 That damned thing called "hope" is what keeps us miserable for so long... You are so right on that one! One thing I've noticed is that often the person who treats us the worst is the one we have the hardest time getting over. There's so much rejection involved and you start out on a most unhealthy quest to find love and acceptance from someone who in reality isn't even worthy of the time of day. How dysfunctional is that?
Teacher's Pet Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Krying, I'm right with ya on that one. My ex was far from perfect, but, being that "love is unconditional", I looked past her "imperfections" and only saw what I WANTED to see. I SAW an attractive fun, sexual, and yes, for the most part, loving, caring woman. I DIDN'T see a judgemental, unsupportive person who was always ready to drop me at the blink of an eye for no particular reason whatsoever (she initiated several "breakups" over the course of our relationship, and usually over little things) My mind (and heart) chose to see only those traits I WANTED in a woman, and being many of them were there, said to myself, "Ok, good enough!", and allowed me to develop true feelings for her. As for what you are feeling right now... the physical pain, inability to sleep, eat, and focus, that's natural. Guys like us (yes, I'll say it, THE NICE ONES) are always the ones who get hurt the most. My ex had me "replaced" days before we actually broke up. She planned our breakup, and needed just a slight push to do it. She got her wish. She's with another man now, possibly not the ONLY one since our breakup 5 months ago, and we haven't had contact since. She really, truly, and deeply hurt me, and pain like that tends to become physical, especially for people who allow themselves to feel more than they possibly should for a person. For weeks after our breakup, I was unable to function at work, unable to sleep, and had a constant pain in the pit of my stomach. Even though I'm still hurt/heartbroken now (partially my own fault at this point), the "discomfort" has passed, and I'm back to normal, at least on the outside. You will find it's easier to fix your outer persona (what your friends and family see), than your inner feelings. My friends mainly see me as someone who has moved on, started going out again, meeting people, even dating again. Inside, I'd trade my bank account for one more chance to make things right. But, I know it's not going to happen, so I'll probably be trading in part of that bank account soon for some new furniture and an Xbox360 (sorry, I aint into Playstation). In the meantime, my advice to you is simple. 1. Go out with your friends. 2. Make NEW friends (sometimes, we have friends that have a "connection" to an ex, so you might need to "start over" in that department...I did! 3. Focus on your hobbies...things you enjoy. Sports, the arts, even video games. 4. Go to the gym and workout. You are single now. Get your body ready for the next lucky chick who comes your way. The gym has been my savior. Since my breakup, I've lost some weight, built some muscle, and just working out feels SO good, especially on the inside. You need to create some sort of "routine" in your life, it'll make things easier for you. Make exercise (a message to your body that says I LOVE ME!) a part of your life. Hang in there, buddy. Don't be afraid of coming here and venting, and talking about your true feelings. We've all been there. We're listening. -tp can't wait to play Gears Of War
Jane Doe Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Teacher's Pet, you may not fully see it now, but your ex did you a huge favor. She's someone else's problem now and that leaves you free to find a normal, healthy, woman who is deserving of your love.
willduggan Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 wow i just posted a thread above this one and this seriously makes me feel a whole LOT better.. im still not sure how i feel about my ex but these posts are great!
TapaDingDong Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 It's always the thought that you would have things done differently that nags in your head. I have never seen somone who lets go quickly that I could label as a kind person. The longer it takes and that is unfortunate is the sign of how much you really loved and cared for that person. Mine is recent and her go away was chilly. Yet I see my part in the diversion more than I see hers. I know it was easy for her cause she never had it. You can offer something you were never offered or had. Time will heal the wounds and forgetness is a blessing.
Krying Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Krying, I'm right with ya on that one. My ex was far from perfect, but, being that "love is unconditional", I looked past her "imperfections" and only saw what I WANTED to see. I SAW an attractive fun, sexual, and yes, for the most part, loving, caring woman. I DIDN'T see a judgemental, unsupportive person who was always ready to drop me at the blink of an eye for no particular reason whatsoever (she initiated several "breakups" over the course of our relationship, and usually over little things) My mind (and heart) chose to see only those traits I WANTED in a woman, and being many of them were there, said to myself, "Ok, good enough!", and allowed me to develop true feelings for her. As for what you are feeling right now... the physical pain, inability to sleep, eat, and focus, that's natural. Guys like us (yes, I'll say it, THE NICE ONES) are always the ones who get hurt the most. My ex had me "replaced" days before we actually broke up. She planned our breakup, and needed just a slight push to do it. She got her wish. She's with another man now, possibly not the ONLY one since our breakup 5 months ago, and we haven't had contact since. She really, truly, and deeply hurt me, and pain like that tends to become physical, especially for people who allow themselves to feel more than they possibly should for a person. For weeks after our breakup, I was unable to function at work, unable to sleep, and had a constant pain in the pit of my stomach. Even though I'm still hurt/heartbroken now (partially my own fault at this point), the "discomfort" has passed, and I'm back to normal, at least on the outside. You will find it's easier to fix your outer persona (what your friends and family see), than your inner feelings. My friends mainly see me as someone who has moved on, started going out again, meeting people, even dating again. Inside, I'd trade my bank account for one more chance to make things right. But, I know it's not going to happen, so I'll probably be trading in part of that bank account soon for some new furniture and an Xbox360 (sorry, I aint into Playstation). In the meantime, my advice to you is simple. 1. Go out with your friends. 2. Make NEW friends (sometimes, we have friends that have a "connection" to an ex, so you might need to "start over" in that department...I did! 3. Focus on your hobbies...things you enjoy. Sports, the arts, even video games. 4. Go to the gym and workout. You are single now. Get your body ready for the next lucky chick who comes your way. The gym has been my savior. Since my breakup, I've lost some weight, built some muscle, and just working out feels SO good, especially on the inside. You need to create some sort of "routine" in your life, it'll make things easier for you. Make exercise (a message to your body that says I LOVE ME!) a part of your life. Hang in there, buddy. Don't be afraid of coming here and venting, and talking about your true feelings. We've all been there. We're listening. -tp can't wait to play Gears Of War Teachers, you made a point which is something I am experiencing myself. That is externally we profess we are over that person, we have moved on and even nod in agreement when friends tell us we are better of, that person wasn't the right one for us etc. Yet internally, I too would make a deal with the devil to have her back in my life. I'm basically sick of my friends telling me she was no good and I'm better off because I don't feel that. Not in my heart, my body or my mind. I lost a ton of weight over this and am only now 6 weeks later just starting to actually have an appetite. I don't think I've prayed more and wanted something as strong as having her back in my life. Tapa, you also made a nice point about how quickly someone can let their feelings got for another. If love was involved, seriously, how can someone just let go of those feelings and move on so quickly? My ex did it, but she's a pro at doing that kind of stuff from what I can see now. Me on the other hand, this will take me years to get over. I mean it. I had never been as close to a person in my life than with my ex. Yes she left me and was cold and very impersonal about it, but that was only at the end when she wanted to get out of the relationship. And even then it was only 2 days from when she first said she needed space, to her then saying she wanted to end things. So 99.9% of my relationship with her was fantastic. I dreamed about her last night many times. I had a bad sleep and kept waking up, but each time I would dream about her. Despite the fact she is married, has a kid on the way and never looked back in my direction, my hope is still there I will be with her again. To lose hope is to give up and die.
Author bchlvr Posted November 18, 2006 Author Posted November 18, 2006 I appreciate all of your posts. Everyone has contributed something that I find really valuable. There are a couple of things that particularly resonated with me: Jane Doe, you said " Often the person who treated us the worst is the one we have the hardest time getting over. There's so much rejection involved... So that coupled with what Guest said: " We hope that someday our significant other will snap out of it and turn back to become the loving person we once knew. And actually stay that way..... We know it's wishful thinking that the one who treated us the worst could potentially snap out of it and turn back to become the loving person we once knew. It's so hard to see someone we loved in such vividly opposite lights.
Jane Doe Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Unfortunately, the sad truth is, there's no "snapping out of it" to be done. How they treated us is indicative of their character. It's who they are. Only in our fantasies do we believe they're really good people and don't mean to hurt us. People know what they're doing and they make conscious decisions to hurt someone, betray someone, lie to someone, etc.
ralph124c Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 A friend of mine asked me the other day, 'would like to be with a revised version of your ex, is that it?' I said, 'yeah, exactly, that would be great.' My friend replied, 'then you don't want to be with her. And you have to accept that she's not who you want, and let go.' I had a hard time always wondering how much of the bad aspects were her behavior, and how much was her character. Now I'm not sure there's a difference. Even if there is, it doesn't matter because I'd still be treated like sh*t either way. The amount of times I made excuses for her, or accepted hers, makes me sick. I don't know if they always intentionally hurt us. I think they just are so selfish and self-centered that they don't even THINK how we would feel, much less care in any significant way. But again, either way it doesn't matter because the result is the same: unacceptable negative treatment you don't deserve.
Jane Doe Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 I had a hard time always wondering how much of the bad aspects were her behavior, and how much was her character. One's behavior is indicative of their character. It shows you what they are inside.
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