condorito Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 THIS POST IS LONG This is my first time here and I am just looking for a little perspective and maybe some advice. First, my name is Steve and I appreciate everyone allowing me to share my crisis. My wife and I have been married for 13 years, we met when we were young, 21 and 23, and fell in love pretty much instantly. Over the years we had our up's & down's and bumps in the road, and handled them differently as we got older (and wiser?). I am sure that some of you heard this before, but we truely were each others best freind. We spent mostly all of our time together, and opened up new ideas to one another. It wasnt ALL cherries and cream, but we do have many memories of great times. We were open to trying new things that the other was interested in, and sometimes it created a new hobby, sometimes it didn't, but we always tried things together. This is the part of the story where the bomb drops. I cheated. I made a HUGE mistake. I know it was a mistake even at the time, yet, that didn't stop me from doing it for some reason. To further compound things, I cheated at work. I was, and still am, incredibly shamed and with good reason. We went through about a week of non-stop crying and explaining, and more crying, and I did all the things that my wife wanted...I quit my job to avoid any possible contact with the woman I cheated with and even called her husband to explain what happened, at my wifes request. This all happened nearly 2 months ago, things are just going downhill. Two days before I decided to cheat on my wife, she quit her job. No explaination, just "I didn't like it there anymore, so I quit". We dont have any children, but we do have a house and a few cars, and bills, and 2 cats plus a dog to support. Well, as you can imagine, now that we were both jobless, the bills just started to pile up. We lived on credit cards and savings, but that has depleted and we are now in danger of foreclosure. We are both working, but starting jobs at the ground floor again, and not making very much. I work two jobs, but I tell her I am willing to do WHATEVER I have to in order for us to work through this and continue our life together. Last week I intercepted an e-mail from my wife to another guy that she met when she went to visit her aunt for a weekend. In the e-mail she explained how she "can't wait to see him again" and how she couldnt wait to do the things she wanted to do to him. She signed the e-mail "all my hugs and kisses, love, me". I confronted her about it, asked her if it was over and asked her to call him or give me his address, which she refused to do. She is going back to visit her aunt this weekend, and has "assured me" that nothing is going on and she already told him that whatever they had is over. (she told me that they just flirted heavily online.) Tonite my wife has told me she needs some time on her own, to get on her own feet, to see if she can put herself first for a while without thinking of me. We cannot affford this house together, and she knows this, and still wants me to live here, with her, until it sells. She says maybe in 6 months she may like to get back together, but for now she just needs time alone. I have no idea what to do. If I move into an apartment I wouldn't be able to send any money to her or take our pets. If I stay here I cannot face her everyday knowing that she doesn't love me anymore or want me around. I dont want to become that guy that gets angry and wants revenge, I love her too much to see her hurt (anymore than she already is.) I am sorry this is such a long message. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
behonest63 Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Not sure why no one has responded to this but it seems like you have left a lot out maybe to hear an answer you want instead of what needs to be discussed, maybe.... Anyway my gut feeling here, sorry if I am wrong, is that she has not been honest with you in a long time either, even before your cheating..... What caused you to cheat in the first place, dig for that answer and you may find out some truth about yourself and her.... If she wants to be with this guy so soon now, there is no way in my mind that she hasnt either been thinking that way for a long time or has acted on those type of feelings in the past..... It just took you to do something so she could escape, in fact she was waiting for you to slip up to blame it all on you when all along she wanted out.... JUST MY GUT FEELING, Similar to me....
anna13 Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 It is hard to say with this situation , she may be having an affair to get revenge on you for doing that to her , did you discover this email before or after she found out about your affair? I dont want to asume anything but it sounds like to me that she wants you around until she can discover wether or not she really likes this guy she might be seeing , ( i could be wrong) but that is one thing that could be happening. she doesnt want to deal with the issue of the house alone. your affair as you know was a HUGE mistake and I know you know this, but what is done is done. So she doesnt work rightnow? so she has no money to pay for bills? so basically does she want you around till she can get on her feet and leave you ? like I said I could be reeally wwrong but this is what comes to mind when i read your post. affairs can make the spouse that was cheated on really bitter. this is all up to you of course , with the financial situation with the house it might be better to sell it ASAP , and live seperately while trying to work it out . it is hard to work out personal problems when there is financial burden involved. so take care of the financial part first. this doesnt mean this is heading to divorse but you two have too much on your plate right now. I know you want things to work out . and it seems like you truly regret the affair you had. your W has to know that you have nothing at all to do with this woman , if you work with this Other woman , you have to get another job. as long as this other woman is in your life in one way or another it will not get better between you and your wife. you strayed from your marriage and there is no real overnight solutions for that . she may be angry with you a very long time , youhave to just deal with that and make sure you tell her even though you repeat yourself that you regret it . and ask her what you need to do to exactly to save your relationship. but like I said , take care of the house issue and then start to try to rebuild your relationship friendship and trust. If she is having an affair , that is something you will have to try to work through , but like i said you got alot on your plate so take it one thing at a time . hang in there.
jmargel Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Tonite my wife has told me she needs some time on her own, to get on her own feet, to see if she can put herself first for a while without thinking of me. We cannot affford this house together, and she knows this, and still wants me to live here, with her, until it sells. She says maybe in 6 months she may like to get back together, but for now she just needs time alone. Translation: I have been having this emotional affair on you while you were doing the same to me. You got laid now it's my turn. You'll have to wait for me just to see if I decide to come back. I am going to be immature, selfish and not care anymore. This revenge sex will at least make me feel better and knowing you'll be waiting for me makes me even want to do it more. ------------ You need to sit her down, TONIGHT and give her the consequences for what she is doing. If she goes to her Aunt's without you then you are moving out on your own and filing for divorce. Two wrongs don't make a right and what she would be doing is solidifying the divorce. You two need marriage counseling, these head games are just going to drive you two apart. Apparentely you both have been cheating on each other, if not physically then emotionally. Two days before I decided to cheat on my wife, she quit her job. No explaination, just "I didn't like it there anymore, so I quit". Is a HUGE sign of immaturity. She has no care and expects you to take care of her. She is acting like a child and as long as you tolerate her behavior she will continue to do it. NOW is the time to make her face consequences and responsibility for what SHE has done to you as well.
Author condorito Posted November 17, 2006 Author Posted November 17, 2006 Not sure why no one has responded to this but it seems like you have left a lot out maybe to hear an answer you want instead of what needs to be discussed, maybe.... Anyway my gut feeling here, sorry if I am wrong, is that she has not been honest with you in a long time either, even before your cheating..... What caused you to cheat in the first place, dig for that answer and you may find out some truth about yourself and her.... If she wants to be with this guy so soon now, there is no way in my mind that she hasnt either been thinking that way for a long time or has acted on those type of feelings in the past..... It just took you to do something so she could escape, in fact she was waiting for you to slip up to blame it all on you when all along she wanted out.... JUST MY GUT FEELING, Similar to me.... Thank you all for your resonses. There really isnt much to leave out to be honest, I tried to highlight all the major points so the story wans't too long (I felt it was long enough, and I didnt want to turn people away from reading it.) If there are any questions I would be open to answering them, especially if it helps me cope with this sad situation I am in.
Author condorito Posted November 17, 2006 Author Posted November 17, 2006 Translation: Is a HUGE sign of immaturity. She has no care and expects you to take care of her. She is acting like a child and as long as you tolerate her behavior she will continue to do it. NOW is the time to make her face consequences and responsibility for what SHE has done to you as well. She has told me in the past that I disapointed her by not continuing my education (I have no college degree, I am 34) and starting my own business in order to take care of her. I know that she is right in some ways, but we have both been working in the past and making enough to pay our bills and go on great vacations, so I thought I was actually taking care of her. I now realize what she meant...making more money to buy nicer things and better vacations...I guess she was right, isn't that what a man is supposed to do, work hard and take care of his bride? Instead I decided to have an affair. What was I thinking...I feel like I am dying inside.
Author condorito Posted November 17, 2006 Author Posted November 17, 2006 It is hard to say with this situation , she may be having an affair to get revenge on you for doing that to her , did you discover this email before or after she found out about your affair? I dont want to asume anything but it sounds like to me that she wants you around until she can discover wether or not she really likes this guy she might be seeing , ( i could be wrong) but that is one thing that could be happening. she doesnt want to deal with the issue of the house alone. your affair as you know was a HUGE mistake and I know you know this, but what is done is done. So she doesnt work rightnow? so she has no money to pay for bills? so basically does she want you around till she can get on her feet and leave you ? like I said I could be reeally wwrong but this is what comes to mind when i read your post. affairs can make the spouse that was cheated on really bitter. this is all up to you of course , with the financial situation with the house it might be better to sell it ASAP , and live seperately while trying to work it out . it is hard to work out personal problems when there is financial burden involved. so take care of the financial part first. this doesnt mean this is heading to divorse but you two have too much on your plate right now. I know you want things to work out . and it seems like you truly regret the affair you had. your W has to know that you have nothing at all to do with this woman , if you work with this Other woman , you have to get another job. as long as this other woman is in your life in one way or another it will not get better between you and your wife. you strayed from your marriage and there is no real overnight solutions for that . she may be angry with you a very long time , youhave to just deal with that and make sure you tell her even though you repeat yourself that you regret it . and ask her what you need to do to exactly to save your relationship. but like I said , take care of the house issue and then start to try to rebuild your relationship friendship and trust. If she is having an affair , that is something you will have to try to work through , but like i said you got alot on your plate so take it one thing at a time . hang in there. She is working right now, but the job doesnt pay much (I have 2 jobs right now that dont pay much either). Her idea was that we would both stay in the house and pay the mortgage until it sells, and maybe save some money for apartments. Shes says that once the place sells we will definatly be going our seperate ways, because she needs to "see if she can be on her own feet again....be her own person, without worrying about putting me first." The problem is, I love her with all of my heart, I honestly do, and I wish if I could go back and take away the hurt I caused her, I would do it instantly. I cant endure the thought of living here with her for the next few months knowing that we are finished, it tears me apart to wake up in the morning and not be next to her now, I cant see those feelings getting any easier to deal with.
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