There is only one button to press for a happy marriage!

[a4a]

RP I cannot bring myself to be manipulative at home, I do that to people at work because I have to. Part of the job. I think if I played manipulative games with the H I would totally lose respect for him.

 

He and I have had this talk. He states he would never forgive me for doing any sort of underhanded manipulation.

 

I agree with you in theory but I prefer to engage and confront the problem as a team rather than to just manipulate him to get what I need or to have him get what he needs from me.

 

And it certainly is ok if you don't get your own way sometimes. Hell I am still living in the same house, I wanted to move, instead we are remodeling. Negotiate and comprimise. Believe me we were both very stuck with our opinions on this decision. I probably could have snowed him, but I just don't think that would be right.

 

That does not mean you do not say what you mean if it is nice for them to hear : your so sexy, thank you for doing the dishes, this is the best food ever, but when I say it I really really mean it..... no agenda.

 

Not saying you do but this kinda reminds me of a "player" type attitude if taken to the extreme.

[westernxer]

Yeah...good one. Is that the best you can do? No condescencion..just my opinion.

 

Carry on.

 

For the record, your post was very good. I didn't have a chance to read it after finishing Tony's. Was already sleepy at that point.

 

Rock on, sweet woman!

[JamesM]

RP, you are so right. Unfortunately....LIFE happens.

 

It is much easier said than done to massage your partner's ego after you have endured days, months or even years of no reciprocating measures...or at least what you think should be given in return. We all love to do things for our spouse when these good things are rcognized and appreciated. But when they are not, we must not show anger. We must show understanding.

 

And yes, this is a great model for a marriage IF you BOTH can hold to it. Since this is not always the case, then Plan B must be ready as to how you will handle things when the partner shows no appreciation. Will the good things being done for your husband quit when he begins to take them for granted? Will you keep massaging his ego when he decides that this is the norm rather than an expression of love? Problems usually occur because both partners do not give 100% to each other. Problems occur most often because of outside influences.

 

Most of us are willing to keep giving...as long as our partner is giving. When he or she quits, we get angry and "demand" that he or she return our "gifts" with his or her own gifts of appreciation. Hence, marriage in many cases is NOT selfless giving but actually SELFISH giving.

 

I am not trying to be a pessimist. That is actually not my nature. But in this case, I want to throw a healthy dose of reality into the picture. Many marriages fail, because couples are not prepared for reality. They expect that both partners will WANT to keep giving 100% to each other. As you and I both know from experience, this is not true.

 

I am not totally disagreeing with your "theory," RO, but it needs a few addendums. When the going gets tough, the tough need to be prepared. Otherwise, he or she will want to leave. If one partner quits giving, then the second partner must be willing to selflessly give. And yes, both partners must work as a team if marriage is to work...but life happens. Emotional breakdowns, physical disease, family arguments, and death are some of the many factors that must be dealt with. At those times, we must be prepared to carry the full load of the relationship until our partner is "back on his/her feet." At those times, our partner may not only show no appreciation, he or she may simply want to be alone. These situations can last days, months or even years.

 

Love and marriage require mutual giving, but it also requires selfless one-sided giving if the need arises. If we love our partner, it is never because of what they can do for us, but it is what we can do for them and because we love them for who they are...not what they WILL become...and despite of what they may become....good or bad.

[RecordProducer]

I agree with you in theory but I prefer to engage and confront the problem as a team rather than to just manipulate him to get what I need or to have him get what he needs from me.

No, no, no! That's not the kind of manipulation I am talking about. "Manipulation" is not the right word actually. It's the same as "treat people the way you want them to treat you." Don't you expect some selfish reward by being nice to people?

 

You won't have to confront anything if things go smooth.

For the record, your post was very good. I didn't have a chance to read it after finishing Tony's. Was already sleepy at that point.

 

Rock on, sweet woman!

Ever thought about a career of a diplomate?

[a4a]

James you are on it!!

[westernxer]

Ever thought about a career of a diplomate?

 

I don't want the responsibility. LOL

[RecordProducer]

I want to throw a healthy dose of reality into the picture.

Your whole post was wonderful. But I am not saying anything that is different from yours.

 

If we define the phrase "happy marriage" you'll see that I don't have in mind perfect marriage. Just a good relationship.

[blind_otter]

RP, you are so right. Unfortunately....LIFE happens.

 

It is much easier said than done to massage your partner's ego after you have endured days, months or even years of no reciprocating measures...or at least what you think should be given in return. We all love to do things for our spouse when these good things are rcognized and appreciated. But when they are not, we must not show anger. We must show understanding.

 

And yes, this is a great model for a marriage IF you BOTH can hold to it. Since this is not always the case, then Plan B must be ready as to how you will handle things when the partner shows no appreciation. Will the good things being done for your husband quit when he begins to take them for granted? Will you keep massaging his ego when he decides that this is the norm rather than an expression of love? Problems usually occur because both partners do not give 100% to each other. Problems occur most often because of outside influences.

 

Most of us are willing to keep giving...as long as our partner is giving. When he or she quits, we get angry and "demand" that he or she return our "gifts" with his or her own gifts of appreciation. Hence, marriage in many cases is NOT selfless giving but actually SELFISH giving.

 

I am not trying to be a pessimist. That is actually not my nature. But in this case, I want to throw a healthy dose of reality into the picture. Many marriages fail, because couples are not prepared for reality. They expect that both partners will WANT to keep giving 100% to each other. As you and I both know from experience, this is not true.

 

I am not totally disagreeing with your "theory," RO, but it needs a few addendums. When the going gets tough, the tough need to be prepared. Otherwise, he or she will want to leave. If one partner quits giving, then the second partner must be willing to selflessly give. And yes, both partners must work as a team if marriage is to work...but life happens. Emotional breakdowns, physical disease, family arguments, and death are some of the many factors that must be dealt with. At those times, we must be prepared to carry the full load of the relationship until our partner is "back on his/her feet." At those times, our partner may not only show no appreciation, he or she may simply want to be alone. These situations can last days, months or even years.

 

Love and marriage require mutual giving, but it also requires selfless one-sided giving if the need arises. If we love our partner, it is never because of what they can do for us, but it is what we can do for them and because we love them for who they are...not what they WILL become...and despite of what they may become....good or bad.

 

Word.

 

Maybe I live in hell, and you guys live in the real world. But IME there is no such thing as a perfect human being, never was, never will be, and therefore, since those are the foundational pieces of a relationship, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship and no way to go about creating such a thing.

 

Fallacious. But fantastical. reminds me of those cheesy pulp romance novels they pump out constantly.

 

happiness being subjective, there's no way to create a situation where more than one person is happy at all times.

[Touche]

For the record, your post was very good. I didn't have a chance to read it after finishing Tony's. Was already sleepy at that point.

 

Rock on, sweet woman!

 

Thanks so much West! And you too Climber.

[JamesM]

But IME there is no such thing as a perfect human being, never was, never will be, and therefore, since those are the foundational pieces of a relationship, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship and no way to go about creating such a thing.

 

I agree 100%. Perfect will never happen. But creating a happy or satisfactory relationship is possible. But as I said, since life happens, it will also hit rock bottom at times. What will make it improve all over again will be commitment.

 

happiness being subjective, there's no way to create a situation where more than one person is happy at all times.

 

I disagree. Even if one partner is giving, he or she may be happy simply because the other person is happy.

 

Your whole post was wonderful. But I am not saying anything that is different from yours.

 

I guess the point I was trying to make which may have been missed is that even if both partners think they can be giving at all times, they won't because life happens. The bad day at work, the emotional doubts, or simply a call from the MIL...these can all lead to a fight that will take away that good feeling of giving. At that point, the one who doesn't "feel" emotionally disturbed....ie experiencing anger, sadness, or frustration...needs to give despite the fact that the other is not giving. Is it easy? No. Will it happen all of the time? No.

 

When your partner is being selfish or unreasonable, then you or I must say that I am doing this because I love you, not because you are loving me.

 

I have a favorite phrase that I use during both good and bad times..."This too shall pass."

[Guest]

I guess the point I was trying to make which may have been missed is that even if both partners think they can be giving at all times, they won't because life happens. The bad day at work, the emotional doubts, or simply a call from the MIL...these can all lead to a fight that will take away that good feeling of giving.

 

Which is exactly what Tony T said.