bobaganoosh56 Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Hey everyone, I'm sure everyone gets this a lot but. I was just needing some advice on my situation. Here's what's going on.... Ive been in this LDR for the last year or so. This girl that I am seeing is a very old friend of mine which I used to have a be completely in love with when we were younger. Well basically, I told her how I felt about her when we were about 16 years of age. She basically was not interested in being in a serious exclusive relationship with me at the time. I don't remember quite what happened but we essentially had a falling out. I guess I was heart-broken for a long time and it took me a very long time to try and move on. I kept a little box with all her stuff in it hoping one day I would have her. Fast forward about 5-6 years. One day she decides to contact me on and we arrange a meeting while in town and get to discussing old times with each other. Things are great and we decide to starting dating each other exclusively because we felt strongly about each other. It basically got serious really fast I basically got the impression without a doubt that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I told her I felt the same way and such but then I started to have doubts. Well, to begin with I am 22 and she is 23 were both in college She lives around 5-6 hours away from me and we see each other perhaps ever other week and and on the holidays and such. With that in mind, thats basically how it got serious really fast. I feel awful saying this but, somewhere along the way I guess she became really comfortable with me where she started to put on some weight, nothing serious, about 8-10 lbs. I guess I started to lose attraction to her- I don't know why. That and probably because she ended up living with me for about a month, so that basically made things very routine after awhile. Basically, I just lost my physical attraction to her in partially. At first I didn't care but the fact that she brought it up so much caused me to become slightly fixated on it. I love pretty much everything else about her. This is pretty much my first serious long term relationship and we have so much in common, a long-history, and she's a great dear friend. I have this feeling that she is one of those people that I would love to settle down with. The only problem is, I have not dated around casually enough or had enough relationship experience to surely know if she is right for me. Anyway, like I said- we had been dating close to about a year now and I broke up with her back in September because I told her that, 1) I was not as attracted to her as I used to be, and 2) I wanted to date other people. (stupid I know...I was just trying to be honest, I really didn't have any other reason) I started to think about that a lot and realized that that was a kind of stupid reason. We tried to do no contact but that basically ended up not working because she wouldn't leave me alone and I didnt have the heart to cut her out of my life. She was beginning to feel suicidal I guess because of our situation and on top of that she had a medical problem that was scaring her to death. So on a relationship level I tried to do no contact but as a friend, I couldn't bring myself to leave her alone which made my situation even worse. Basically, it really begun to drive me mad because I was afraid of telling her to leave me alone and yet I wanted to comfort her because I cared so much for her. I basically had a nervous breakdown a couple of times and am going through some sever depression right now. She basically really messed up my semester because I was worrying so much about her. I was basically about to withdraw from the semester and such but now I am just trying to salvage what I can. I started to harbor some severe resentment for her for some reason yet I can't bring myself to leave her. She loves me so much, I can just see it in her eyes, and she loves me unconditionally- its just one of those things you can tell about a woman, they'll love you pretty much no matter what. Thats why I am so torn right now. I don't know what to do. We got back together about 2 weeks ago and I am trying to make it work, but its getting harder now. A part of me wants to leave her and never see her again. But another part of me just can't bear to leave her. I want to stay in this relationship but I feel as though I'm the one who is having all the doubts and I fear that I'll hurt her emotionally in the future. Because the relationship is always moving forward and ultimately she'll only become more and more attached. I can't leave her, but yet I feel like I'm stringing her along I guess because I'm not sure of how I feel about her. I mean I love her but, Its just so much more complicated now. I have no clue what to do anymore. Its really beginning to depress me. I've never been in this position before. I've always been the one left wanting in a relationship and never had dumped anyone before. Its extremely stressful on my body and such. I was just wondering what everyone's advice is- Would it be worse to continue this relationship? Or should I stay and try to work on the relationship. In addition, I guess for the guys, what has your experience been in your first serious relationship with breaking up getting back together. I guess with anyone else I wouldn't be so torn up about it, but with her- we go way back. Any advice would be appreciated Thank you for your time.
norajane Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I think when you reconnected after all those years after high school, you got involved pretty quickly. Once you were involved, it wasn't the 10 pounds that made you lose interest. It was that you started realizing you two weren't actually right for each other. You had spent so much time wanting her and pining for her, but once you got together, she wasn't the "dream girl" you had remembered. Or she had changed from your "dream girl". Or you had changed. Between 16 and 23 you change so much!!! Now, she's been little more than a drain on you mentally and emotionally. If you're failing your classes and having nervous breakdowns, you must see that being in a relationship with anyone isn't worth it! As hard as it will be, you must cut the cord and get your life back - and leave her alone to do the same. NO CONTACT. It will be easiest for both of you if you don't have contact. Otherwise, it will just keep draining your life from you.
D-Lish Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 You can't stay in a relationship out of guilt. That resentment you're talking about will just keep getting worse if you do. It's obvious you need to move forward. As much as you care for her, she's bringing a lot of toxicity into your life. You have to take care of yourself at this point. D
Author bobaganoosh56 Posted November 20, 2006 Author Posted November 20, 2006 Thanks for the advice, I just dont know if I can do it. (Leave her that is) Im trying to make it work. I think I can handle the resentment I don't know- I guess im more worried about hurting her, its so odd, I've been dumped before- Im used to that, I never thought this would be so hard on the otherside. Also, I mean, how do you communicate something like this, you know? She always asks me what I'm thinking, and I hate telling her "nothing" because I don't want to tell her half-truths or make her worry. Because if she stops opening up, then I stop opening up- then its just a downward spiral from there of communication hell. But on the other hand, honesty I've heard, as long as it's not criticism is the best policy. (I don't know, ) It also makes me wonder about dating in general. I mean, if you begin to have doubts about whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, do stop seeing them? Or is this a part where your relationship hits the rocks and you do what you can to stick with it and tough it out. Becuase essentially, if you stay in the relationship you risk leading the other person on, but if you break up with them, its like a rejection of the person. In addition, I know this may sound weird coming from a guy but, what do you think about taking sex "out of the equation". The reason why I ask is because, I understand that women emphasize and connect more on an emotional basis, while most of the time (not all) men just enjoy the act itself. It's odd because, I can't help but begin to agree, the emotional part makes the intimacy much better and less impersonal. I guess I can't help but feel im benefitting from the sex. But then again, with my ambivalence at the moment, I wouldn't mind trying to develop the emotional intimacy a bit more before getting continuing physically. I don't know what do you think? Would that be fair? If so how would I explain that to her? What if she wants sex? On the other hand, taking it out of the equation, would make it hard also I guess, since we live hours apart and when we do see each other we're often alone, in each others apartments. Then again on the other hand if I just wanted to do that we could just be friends..but then again that wont work because we would probably have to do NC...and if we do NC I'd litterally lose one of my best friends. I swear, for a guy I think im over analzying it quite a bit. I don't know... More insight perhaps...Thanks. Sometimes I just want to die, I can barely stand the thought of breaking her heart. The only person I've ever opened up to and been this close, I begin to have doubts with. I feel like such scum.
Nabelle Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 You are hurting so much - we empathize. Remember, resentment is being built up on both sides, making the relationship painful for you and for her. Unless she is just completely oblivious to everything, I doubt she's feeling that honkydory right now (even though you're sorta back together). I would recommend seeing a therapist, separately and together, considering both parties' mental state. If she is resistant to the idea, go without her. It'll do you good no matter what happens with the relationship. You do have to keep in mind that the therapist will not tell you what to do but they will ask you good questions to help you sort things out. Also, you need to invest quite a bit of time. Don't expect any quick fixes. In the meantime, do some reading - stuff on relationship and maybe some fiction. It'll help you get some perspective on things. It's my experience that things aren't always as hopeless as they seem, but dwelling on them too much will almost always make them seem a lot worse. Take a step back, take a deep breath and reevaluate. I'm no expert or anything but I am a firm believer of trying to work things out in the relationship. If you don't try, you will almost always encounter the same issues again in subsequent relationships. I'm not blaming you but relationships are two-way streets: Are you bringing enough positive things to the relationship? Do you communicate well or do you expect each other to read your mind? Be honest. I'm not saying that you need to unnecessarily stay in a unloving relationship forever. Let her know that you two need to get to work (on yourselves individually and on the two of you together), give yourselves a realistic deadline, and then evaluate together. Insist on acting like adults. Finally, talk to friends and family openly and honestly about your situation. I suspect you two have a lot of issues saturated with shame and insecurities. But hey, who doesn't these days? Ultimately you need to make up your own mind, not relying entirely on someone else's directives. And remember to always act out of compassion. You don't want bad karma. You seem like a good, sensible guy. I wish you the best.
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