Guest Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 I have been married almost 3 years and recently cheated on my husband and came clean about it. I was drunk (not an excuse, just part of the situation) and kissed another man (he knows I'm married). I told my husband immediately and he has forgiven me and decided that we can work through it. I'm so grateful for this and don't know what I would have done if I ruined our wonderful marriage over drunken stupidity. My problem is that I feel so overwhelmingly guilty that I can't even think about anything else. I can't concentrate at work. I've pretty much been zoned out since it happened. I feel even worse b/c I feel so bad. What do I have to be so upset about? I'm not the one that was betrayed. For those of you that have cheated.. how long does it take for this feeling to subside, will I ever be able to look at my husband without being rushed by feelings of guilt again? Thank you in advance.
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 You and your husband could go to marriage counselling together, but I think you need one on one counselling to help you cope with this. If your husband has forgiven you, then you need to do the same thing, forgive yourself and move on. And, don't drink! If you are losing control of yourself while drunk, and kissing another man, take that as a sign that booze and you don't mix. What you can do too is end the friendship with that man, and make sure your husband knows you are. Let your husband have full access to your email account(s), cellphone records, passwords etc, so if he feels the need to check up on you, he can.
Bryanp Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 I commend you for immediately being honest with your husband that you kissed another man by being drunk. It was a mistake and your husband has forgiven you which means you need to forgive yourself for the sake of your husband. Thank goodness you did not have sex with someone else. Imagine the guilt you would have. The bottom line is that it was a mistake and your husband loves you and has forgiven you and so now move on and forgive yourself. If you do not do this then you are hurting your husband so please let it go and be happy with your husband and marriage.
Road Rage Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Guest, Hey sweetie, give yourself a break and don`t feel guilty. A little kiss every now and then adds some spice to life. Heaven knows what your hubby is up to when you`re not around:o
shakenandstirred Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Guest, Hey sweetie, give yourself a break and don`t feel guilty. A little kiss every now and then adds some spice to life. Heaven knows what your hubby is up to when you`re not around:o OK..you're about to start some trouble with advice like that:mad:
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Guest, Hey sweetie, give yourself a break and don`t feel guilty. A little kiss every now and then adds some spice to life. Heaven knows what your hubby is up to when you`re not around:o Sorry, but I don't find your comments helpful at all to the original poster.
Kinger25 Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Hi Guest. We are humans, and we all make mistakes. I am not condoning it, but it was only a kiss. One Kiss. Dont let it get to you. You've been honest with your H and he has forgiven you. If you carry on acting so guiltily you're going to delay the re-connection between you and your H. You need to move on and work on building up your life with your h. None of us are indispensible, and we all do things that we regret from time to time. One pause for thought. Do you think that you feel the way that you do solely because of this kiss or is there something else in your marriage that you are not 100% happy with? Maybe this could make your guilt seem magnified. If not then pick yourself up, brush yourself off and carry on. At least you've learnt your lesson and aren't going to do anything to jepordise your marriage again. Life's too short to dwell on past wrong doings. ~ "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." - Groucho Marx ~
reservoirdog1 Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 If all you did was kiss the OM once, then I think you're on the right track. Remember, nobody should be judged by their mistakes. We all make mistakes, do stupid or hurtful things in the heat of the moment and regret them later. The more appropriate basis for judgment is what you do AFTER you've made the mistake -- in the cold, harsh light of day when you've had those "oh sh*t, what have I done" thoughts. In your case, you didn't repeat the mistake. You immediately came clean with your husband. That shows a great deal of integrity and strength of character. I wish my XW had possessed traits like yours. Your feelings of guilt will probably linger for a bit, but take comfort in the fact that you did the right thing after the mistake. I wish you and your husband all the best.
RecordProducer Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 I think you should examine your guilt thoroughly. Although I would also feel horribly over just one kiss, I suspect that there are deeper layers of guilt that are tormenting you. I think you love your husband and your marriage, but sometimes you would gladly have a romance with someone else. And being that you're an honorable, good person, you resent, discard, and suppress this desire. You are exaggerating your guilt in order to prevent yourself from doing it again, doing something more than that. You are telling yourself: "See how terrible it feels? Don't do it again! Don't do it!" You didn't say much about how your husband accepted it, but if he just forgave you without "struggling" then he probably feels like he deserved it. No matter how drunk (I, by the way, believe that we are not ourselves when we are drunk), no matter how guilty you feel now, at that moment, you didn't think that you had a wonderful husband and that you're a horrible person. My problem is that I feel so overwhelmingly guilty that I can't even think about anything else. I can't concentrate at work. For some reason your mind is making you go back to this event over and over again, to remind you how bad you SHOULD feel about it. And THAT part makes you feel: I feel even worse b/c I feel so bad.You should feel good for feeling so guilty, because it makes you feel like what you did was not really YOU. But you feel bad, because you feel bad. You want to be OK with what you did. That's why you're asking: how long does it take for this feeling to subside, will I ever be able to look at my husband without being rushed by feelings of guilt again? I think the guilt comes from you knowing that you wanted to kiss that man. You wanted more. What do I have to be so upset about? I'm not the one that was betrayed. Maybe you are. Didn't your husband betray you in any way to cause this? I think he did some things that upset you in the past. I think you had times when you were very angry at him. Perhaps these issues should be faced again and resolved without putting them under the carpet - in your subconsciousness - to burn as supressed anger, just to explode out of nowhere. But most of all, you feel like you betrayed yourself. And that's good, because it means you're a faithful person in your nature. And you probably feel like you wouldn't have betrayed yourself if your husband were better in some aspects.
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