Relationship Rules/ Guidelines

[brickaney]

I believe that most people these days don't realize that no one knows everything about relationships, despite experience and age. I've sought out books about how relationships work, and having my own for two years successfully, I just felt the need to give people some extra help.

 

 

1. Realizing that men and women are different and therefore, by nature, think differently:

I hate hearing girls tell me that they are such tomboys and they understand how guys think> sorry ladies, this isn't true. Here's what I've learned about the differences. Men- men need space in a relationship. They need guy time often. This makes them feel secure and independant. Once given space to be themselves, they will instinctively pull back into loving you and getting closer. They are, as John Gray puts it, like rubber bands. Women often have a hard time understanding this and they often break the space boundary, which just pushes the man farther away again. So do not interfere with your man's guy time, let him come to you< even if you're in shambles.

Women- Women need to talk to feel secure, and men instinctively say what they mean and mean what they say. Women have a hard time accepting this and feel rejected when their SO doesn't want to listen to them "talk about nothing". Women need to confide in other women or friends instead of completely burdening their man with their worries. Men find this unattractive (in different doses of course). Despite that, men do need to listen to women when it's needed> this is between the two of you to work out how much crying and whining he can be patient with:( .

 

These are only basics, these guidelines can be adjusted to a certain degree (depending on insecurity in the relationship) but generally these guidelines will help you and your SO understand one another better.

 

Feminism: Women do have more control over the relationship because we are more in touch with our emotions BUT the problems comes in when we start blaming men and burdening them with all our insecurities. Neediness is very unattractive to a man< though men love giving, they don't want to take care of a grown woman. Feminism is growing in the U.S. and it portrays men as dogs< having no feelings and a perverted nature. Men and women can be equal but not at the cost of either one's dignity.

What I'm trying to say is that women need to respect men and assume they are loving, responsible beings without interogating them all the time. Sure there are some men out there that are immature and some perverts, but those are not innate characteristics of every man, let alone many men. Treating a man like a dog will only cause him to loose respect for you, hurting yourself in the long-run.

 

2. Rules of arguing:

 

-Be patient- don't argue in a rush.

 

-Never use generalities such as: "never" & "always". This will inflame the arguement and only hurt each other more.

 

-Do not raise your voices: this is unneccessary, if you are too far to hear each other you should find a close location to talk in. This will also only inflame the arguement.

 

-Don't accuse, using phrases like: "You did this" and "you did that". This is childish. Instead, speak simply "When you did this, I felt ____." "The way you did that made me feel ____". This avoids making either party feel attacked or cornered.

 

-Do not argue over the phone, email, instant messanger, text messaging, etc. (Long-distance relationships: the phone is the most personal way to get through it). Show your SO the respect by giving them a chance to defend themselves. It is immature to use tools in which give the other person no chance to reconcile you. If you are so angry that you can't wait to tell them your feelings> Write a letter, save it until later, meet up in person and read it to them.

 

-FORGIVE AND FORGET- This sounds immature but I assure you it has helped my boyfriend and I get through a lot of things. RESENTMENT is the death of any relationship. There needs to be unlimited grounds of trust between the two of you by sharing all your feelings because once you hold something back from them it will fester and grow until you let it out later and it could be something that ends the relationship. Also, this policy helps renew the relationship, it's like cleaning the slate, and it will keep the relationship healthy and secure.

 

-^^^ To reinforce this policy, using the past to argue your present point only makes things overly complicated and can lead you both to pushing away and cutting one another much more deeply than what's intended.

 

-Do not let anyone else get involved in the arguement. Don't bring in other people's opinions, situations, or whatever into it. This is YOUR relationship, not theirs. It's healthy to consult friends beforehand to help calm you down but DO NOT SEEK PEOPLE YOU KNOW THAT LIKE DRAMA AND WILL MAKE YOU MORE UPSET. It is unhealthy for any person to rely on others to help them develop every opinion and decision.

 

-THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK! This is probably the most obvious of them all but many people struggle with it because arguements almost always happen in the "heat of the moment" and one feels the need to throw out their pain quickly before the SO can interfere. This will make you sound rediculous and redundant so take a minute to think before you say anything. As Mark Twain put it, "It is better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt". No matter how well you and your SO know each other, it is still possible to sound like a complete idiot in an arguement and loose respect from the other person.

 

-Do not use "breaking up" or "taking a break" as a weapon> Don't ever do this. This is immature and it's a lame attempt to hurt your SO. If you mean it and you want to break up then do it, otherwise don't threaten them or try to make them feel as badly as you do. It's easier to fix one broken heart than two.

 

-Don't treat them like a child by punishing them. At the end of the arguement there should be no need for any type of negative reconciliation. Things like "I'll give you five days to think about it" or "No sex for a week" are juvenile ways to get back at someone. If the arguement is truely solved and your SO wants to pay you back have them take you out to dinner or a movie, etc etc.

 

-Don't argue in public< this is obvious but some people just don't get it. You may or your SO may feel more motivation to hurt the other person and prove them wrong. I have never argued in public, I can only imagine how embarrasing and shaming it would be for both parties so just avoid it at all costs. Argue alone in a car, a separate room, across a field, in a tree< whatever can seclude the two of you and make you both comfortable.

 

-Last but not least> DO NOT APOLOGISE FOR SOMETHING IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT. This is the most difficult one for me to follow. It's the quickest and most simple form of reconciliation but it can also be the most damaging. Being honest, open, and respectful will help to avoid missing this target. If you choose to apologise after and arguement then take a minute to think about what you're going to say that is sincere and helps your SO understand you really mean it.

 

- Make up anything can help you both feel better after the arguements settled> it's up to you to decide here are ideas though: go to a movie (one without issues you just argued about hahahaha this could be bad), go out to eat, hang out with friends, have a good old makeout session, sex:bunny: - this could be risky if you're not sure the arguements over so be careful hahaha, go on a walk- take your dog/cat/bird/ whatever on a walk, do something nice for one another than reassures you love/care for one another.

 

3.Good Luck!

[rina_r]

Oh yes, dear Lord, we just sat and waited for your advice!

The farther I stay from the "relationship books", the healthier my relationships are!

[IpAncA]

I like out of everything that book may have said, the third one is "Good Luck" Lol!!!!

 

However there was some good pointers in there.

[norajane]

Treating a man like a dog will only cause him to loose respect for you, hurting yourself in the long-run.

I don't know how you treat your dog, but most people are loving, affectionate, warm and playful with their dogs. They're happy to see them, give them treats all the time, make sure they're fed and get plenty of exercise. Most people love their dogs more than they like other people. Most dogs love their people and always greet them at the door with tails wagging and happy barks and jumps.

 

 

I think if women treated their men like dogs, their men would be rewarded with lots of treats whenever they did something she likes. They'd feel loved and cuddled and taken care of.

[melodymatters]

Awwww, I think it's nice that Brick took the time to write all that out and share it with us ! Whether we agree or disagree ( and I mostly agree)It was kind of you to take the time, so : THANK YOU !!!

 

......and good luck to us all dammitt !!!!!!!

[tanbark813]

This is a great one:

 

-Do not let anyone else get involved in the arguement. Don't bring in other people's opinions, situations, or whatever into it. This is YOUR relationship, not theirs.

 

I hate when gf's bring up their friends opinions.

 

"My friends all think I'm right."

 

"Well of course they do. They're your friends, retard."

[luvtoto]

brickaney, your advice is purely textbook. I am a woman. Yet, I need a lot of space in a relationship. The more space I get, the bigger I bounce back. I, also, do not feel the need to talk alot to my BF about my feelings. I get annoyed by all that talkin'.

 

Hmm...according to your advice, I should be a man.

 

*checks in my pants*

 

OMG, I AM a man!!

 

Just kidding. (now I gotta explain to half my office, why I was just checkin' in my pants.)

[rina_r]

Hahaha, and according to his words, my b/f should be a woman! i better go check! hahahahaha:laugh:

[alphamale]

"Well of course they do. They're your friends, retard."

[laRubiaBonita]

Just kidding. (now I gotta explain to half my office, why I was just checkin' in my pants.)

 

Seee....if you Were a man, you would know no explaination would be needed.

[Kamille]

Feminism is growing in the U.S. and it portrays men as dogs< having no feelings and a perverted nature. Men and women can be equal but not at the cost of either one's dignity.

That is sooooooo 70s. Feminism doesn't portray men as dogs. Feminism portrays humans as equal. It also doesn't portray women as hapless victims. Since we're equal, we're equally responsible for handling ourselves and our emotions.

 

I'm a feminist and I love men!

 

I know I know. Can of worms.

[Walk]

Wow... long List of what not to do... hmm.

 

Side note: I've never had the balls to write out a "rules for..". I'd be torn apart. Heck.. My goal this week was to grow some balls.. so here goes.

 

Walks Guide for Getting it Right:

 

Repeat after me.. Grab penis, say "Mine" in a loud, firm voice.

Pet, and stroke lavishly until it drools.

Return it to it's proper position.

 

 

 

I've found that 99% of all "arguments" end in my favor after following those steps.

[luvtoto]

Walks Guide for Getting it Right:[/u]

 

Repeat after me.. Grab penis, say "Mine" in a loud, firm voice.

Uh, Walk...you have a penis??

[brickaney]

Alright well first of I happen to be a woman thanks. Secondly, I said I have read books on relationships, I'm in the course of my own very successful relationship, thus I felt the need to share some advice< I don';t understand why there's a need to critisize me for that? If you didn't want advice you shouldn't have read the whole damn thing. I was not presuming that luvtoto was a man just because she's portraying certain characteristics associated in general with men. I understand there are always "acceptions"< too many "acceptions" lead to too much confusion. If you think of yourself as an acception then don't read, don't reply, and stop whining.

 

My comments on the feminism movement were purposeful in the fact that I'll bet 80% of the people reading this are women. I believe, in general, women these days are very fearful of letting a man give to them. I wanted to make the point that men have a giving nature but when that nature is malnurished (with lack of appreciation & acceptance) then men won't see the need to give. Hense, women are not respecting a man and his needs< which I believe is caused by strong feminist ideals. I'm not saying women need to be subservient or that they're all crazy feminists. I was trying to make all the ladies out there reading this, connect with my point better.

 

This post was mostly meant for people who don't understand that there are certain guidelines that help make relationships successful< mainly girls in failing relationships.

 

Again> if you didn't want my advice you shouldn't have read my long ass message. The base of my knowledge came from reading a few books about how to keep a stable relationships, but I assure you everything I wrote earlier (this morning) were purely my words unless otherwise cited.

 

To those who care, I hope you got a good piece of advice out of this> I only wish someone had spelled out how not to screw up a relationship when I was looking for help.

[hindsfeet]

let's see how not to screw up a relationship........

 

still thinking.......

 

hold on it's coming......

 

no actually it's not. relationships are what they are. there is no real 'control' to them.

 

you never can really know what or how someone else feels or even the way you feel. you can not make someone love you, or make yourself not love that person.

 

trust is huge. but what happens when that trust has been trampled? do you not trust again. do you not love again. it is uncontrollable.

 

i agree with a lot of your advice to an extent. (because i have ADD, i didnt read all of it though, to be honest).

 

but to try to control something though, you can lose a lot. just be careful of what your actions are in a relationship so that you dont regret them later.

-hindsfeet

[DaintyPaws]

I always believed that men and women are suppose to complement each other. No ? Though women should have equal rights as humans.

[DaintyPaws]

BTW Brickaney, did you read 'The Women Men Adore' ?

[alphamale]

Since we're equal, we're equally responsible for handling ourselves and our emotions.

It's funny how women think of themselves as "equal" until the check arrives at the table.

[Kamille]

It's funny how women think of themselves as "equal" until the check arrives at the table.

 

he he. If you buy me sushi i'll make you pot roast. hahaha.

[luvtoto]

It's funny how women think of themselves as "equal" until the check arrives at the table.

Oh!! Now I have heard everything. hahaha...

The men may pay the check..but the women have the babies.

[rina_r]

The men may pay the check..but the women have the babies.

 

Yep, but men tend to forget about this.

[alphamale]

Oh!! Now I have heard everything. hahaha...

The men may pay the check..but the women have the babies.

yeah but if women gave more blow jobs and swallowed more often then there would be fewer babies.

[luvtoto]

Yep, but men tend to forget about this.

Yea, everytime I feel guilty about a man paying for the check...I remember this little fact. Aw..poor baby had to pay for a meal. Try being pregnant for 9 mo and then have endless hours of labor.

 

Gosh, I sound so bitchy.

[tanbark813]

Yeah, but men have to put up with women. Squeezing a baby out doesn't hold a candle to that.

[luvtoto]

Very funny, guys!