On A Road To Nowhere

[Guest]

After 2 1/2 years, I am trying to end this relationship with a married man. Emotionally, I don't think I really want it to end, but I also know that it is hurting me. He came over this morning after I told him not to. I didn't let him in and gave him a bag of trash that was by the front door and told him to dump it because his used condoms were in there. I have never been more angry in my entire life. I have never been more sad. But right now, everything about him sickens me.

 

Here's why I hit this bump in the road that made my brain a bit more powerful than my body and my emotions to dump him....

 

Last Friday, we went to lunch and he was taking me back to my apartment when traffic on the highway came to a dead stop. There was an accident at the exit that goes to my home and I live just a block off the exit. So we were too close for comfort but had to stop. There were probably 5,000 cars in 4 lanes of traffic around us that had to stop as well. He was panicking because he had a meeting and didn't want to get bakc to work late. By now it was 1:00p.m. By 2:00 p.m. we were still sitting in traffic, he had notified his job, and we were completely clueless as to what had happened.

 

We were using logic to think that the cops should at least open up one lane to let us pipe through. We were a little tense. The people around us were just as tense but trying to remain calm. THere is nothing like stopping in the middle of the highway, thinking about all the things taht you need to do, and losing total control over your ability to do it! By 2:30, we were still sitting in place, people (mostly men) started exiting their cars to walk up and down the highway to try to find out what was going on. I told my MM that it was interesting to see how men try to "fix" problems rather than sit in the car. During this time, he pulled out his penis and looked at me as if I should be excited. I put my hand around it and played with it a bit. I was thinking that I wasn't going to get any and felt neglected....as usual. We were both looking around us to see if anyone was looking from the other cars or if anyone was walking past our car becasue we didn't want them to see what we were doing. It was kinda exciting the thought of his dick out and we had all of those cars around us.

Well we couldn't finish because a guy decided to turn around and go backwards. Since he couldn't go forward, he was going to go backward. Immediately, other cars started turning around in the middle of the highway and attempting to go backwards to the last exit. THe next thing you know, cops were runnign to those cars and banging on the hoods and screaming to "STOP, YOU CAN"T GO BACKWARDS!"

 

So by now there were cars in all sorts of directions. By 3:30 (2 1/2 hours of sitting in the highway and not going anywhere), some of the cars moved forward. You know how it is when you are at a stop light and a car moves forward about an inch and almost automatically, the other cars move forward too. Well, that was what was happening. So the cars were moving, and he turned the car back on and we were excited to finally be moving. We thought we were going to finally make it! Then we stopped again having only moved forward one car length.

 

During this whole time, I looked at him and you could see the stress in his eyes although he was trying to hide it. He was worried about work. But the later it got, I knew that he was worried about her calling and wondering where he was although he never said that, I knew it. I kept trying to keep him calm by seeing the bright side.

 

For one, I told him that if we had left the restaurant two minutes earlier, we could have been in the middle of whatever was happening down the road. For two, I was glad because it was FRIDAY and we could spend more time together, just the two of us, and even if it meant that we were stuck on the highway, we were together.

 

By now we notice two big, tall cranes down the road. We still don't know what was going on.

 

Now, it's a little after 4 and we see cars moving again. This time from behind us. The police at the other exit finally accepted that it was a brilliant idea to turn all the cars around and go backwards on the highway. Of course they waited until 4:00 on a Friday when traffic is already horrendous when they could have done it earlier.

 

So we go backwards and take the nearest side street. Of course with all of our traffic and the added traffic of people getting off for the weekend, it was still a snails crawl. By now, he is completely stressed out and so am I.

 

I tell him to let me out and I will walk although it is freezing cold and the traffic is bad and I wasn't properly dressed. He wasn't too far and it wouldn't have costed but 3 more minuets to drive me, but he said "sure" hugged me and did a UTurn and went back to his office.

 

He called me and we talked about how unbelievable it was.

 

Just so you know, a lady hit a pole that holds a highway sign across the highway. She sliced it in two and the only thing holding the sign up was her SUV. They had to get two cranes to hold the sign up while they used the jaws of life to remove her from the truck. So I commend the police and other emergency personnel.

 

They moved that big metal hanging and moved it on the side of the road.

 

 

Now I am always mad on Mondays because I get stressed out wondering what he is doing. Sunday is the only day that I don't hear from him and it drives me nuts! He always acts as if he doesn't understand why I should be upset. It's so insulting because he acts as if I should by happy with settling for nothing but a mistress role.

 

The entire highway situation was symbolic for what has happened to us. It was like I met him, he invited me in for a ride, we jump on the freeway and as soon as we get on the highway to speed to my "life" at the next exit, we come to a dead stop. The only movement is a little bit forward, a little bit backwards, but we can't get there. We are stressed and wondering if the highway will open. I am trying to eliminate the stress because I am thinknig we are going to get to my life eventually, but he is stressed because he is worred about his wife calling and asking where he was. He plays it off as if there is nothing wrong although I am not stupid.

 

He kisses me, tells me he loves me, and since he knows he can't get me home, he screws me to get what he wants out of it. We are looking around hoping noone sees and possibly excited about the thought of someone finding out. We hope that she doesn't show up and busts us or we fear that any stranger could have been asked to come and check on her husband. IN the meantime, I don't get my needs met and I am lovingly rejected. IN the end, he doesn't care about how I will wind up, but it's more important that he checks to see if she called. So he is willing to dump me out of his life. And then it's that time of day where he leaves on time and makes it home to her. I walk alone in the cold with nothing but a phonecall "it's time to go...I promise to get in contact with you and I will send you lots of emails."

 

I told him that I was on the highway of his life. He was in the drivers seat and we are stuck! We can't move because there are barriers. And if she were to walk up on us, he would have dumped me out on the highway right there, she would have jumped in.

 

I told him all this and he said he didn't want me to basically find my way back home. He also didn't want me to leave him. He said he wanted me to sit still on the highway of his life until the barriers are removed.

 

I can't and I won't. It's hard but I left. He just sent me an email telling me AGAIN that he is leaving, but this time early at 2. So I am fighting like hell to not call him which is why I am typing in this forum.

 

Yes I know, I am responsibile for my pain....but he is responsible for telling me we were going to go somewhere on this trip. What a waste of time.

[norajane]

Congratulations on finally getting to the exit. Stuck in limbo is no way to live your life. Stuck on the sidelines of a MM's life, is nowhere to be .

 

Good luck to you. May you find a single partner to ride with, and lots of open road ahead of you.

[kymberann]

It's amazing we have to learn the hard way and lose some of ourselves alnog the way. Guest, I am right there with you, I feel some of your pain. Hold on to that sickening feeling and don't let go! Get out when you have that feeling of ending it now! You'll be better for it. Hang in,and let us know what happens!

[Jane Doe]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could give you a hug right now. Please, somewhere deep inside you, get the strength you need to end this once and for all. You know what you need to do. You're not blind. You have to start the healing somewhere and it's best just to jump right in and start on it. There's no way around it other than through it. Clearly his priority is his wife. You deserve to have a man who will make you his only priority. You'll never meet him while you're still being strung along by this guy. Start the healing today. Don't let him rob one more day of your life.

 

My email address is in my profile if you need a friend.

[Guest]

Congratulations on finally getting to the exit. Stuck in limbo is no way to live your life. Stuck on the sidelines of a MM's life, is nowhere to be .

 

Good luck to you. May you find a single partner to ride with, and lots of open road ahead of you.

 

Norajane...thanks for even taking the time to read this. I wrote and thought it to be too long for anyone to read. I also have been spending this week in a lot of pain and getting my feelings out. I cannot believe the words that are coming out which represent all of the pent up emotions. I have never gone through this before. I was new to the city I now live and looking for a job when I met him. I had graduated college in my 30's, literally starting over, my mother died 1 year before and I had done everything in my power to stay in school. So I moved here feeling AWESOME about accomplishing college and living on ramen noodles. It was off to a great start as he gave me money to help with the bills, kissed my hands, noticed my long fingers, loved my full lips, told me that he and his wife were together but he does his own thing and she does her own thing, he did not love her, she does not turn him on, he has never met anyone like me, blah, blah, blah. He also took me to every fancy restaurant in the city and showed me different routes to avoid the crazy traffic in my city. The biggest thing he did was tell me that he believed that I could be and do anything in the world!

 

I admit I am naive and assumed that this relationship would get better from where it started. But after a few months, it stopped dead in its tracks. But he gave me so many things so quickly in the beginning and is so kindhearted that I was sure that there would be even better days ahead.

 

He came over a couple of times this week to see me and all he wants to do is hug me. I am so mad and sad that I can puke. His voice used to sound so good and now it sickens me because while I realize how stuck in his life I am. He used to always say that I say the same things...but I realized that for him to say even that is the same thing. He always says the same thing.

 

"we've talked about this a thousand times"--he says that when I ask for more time or about our future together. He falls back on the two times that she busted us and he tried to "work on his marriage" as if I should have listened and forgotten about the times when he grabbed my face and kissed it or told me he loved me.

 

"I've got to get busy here. I have people waiting on me"--he says this usually first thing in the morning and we have only been on the phone for 10 minutes. This cuts like a knife especially after I have waited for him all weekend. Ewwww, it makes me nauseated to even type this right now.

 

"we've been on the phone for 30 minutes."--he says this usually at a point in the conversation when I ask him something about us, about me.

 

"I've got a meeting coming up in 10 minutes."

 

"when do you want to meet. I can only meet between 11:30 to 12:30. Let's get out. I don't' want to be stuck in the house." --he says this usually 3 days out of the week. He of all people has the nerve to say the word stuck! He doesn't think stuck when he is coming over to get him some. But if he's not coming over to screw, then he wants to go sit in a restaurant, always a booth, and in a corner. I like booths and corners too because we can avoid the stress until we get up and start walking out of the restaurant.

 

"i gotta go."--this is used in every situation. He is always the first person to hang up the phone.

 

"it's 5:00 and it's time for me to go. You want me to stay at work when I have been here all day?"--this is another situation that makes me puke because he acts as if I want to stay on the phone! Sometimes, I have rough days and I need him to be there for me. I mean, he was there to some degree. But there are really rough times for me and sometimes I really wanted him to reassure me or tell me that I was beautiful and to inspire me to succeed.

 

"then why don't you just let me go." - he says this when I tell him that I want more and it's not working. I am upset and asking him to treat me better. This phrase really angered me because he might as well be calling me nasty b*tch or something worse. And it really hurts to be called that by someone who just made love to you the day before.

 

As I type them, these words are probably more of a reason that I stayed than the fact that he said he loved me. I think that I had to keep proving to myself that he was MY nice guy and not just a nice guy, who was married, who turned into a prick about our relationship, except on lunch hours at my apartment when he was getting him some. And I was hoping that he would change and hoped he would treat me as good as I treated him.

[Guest]

It's amazing we have to learn the hard way and lose some of ourselves alnog the way. Guest, I am right there with you, I feel some of your pain. Hold on to that sickening feeling and don't let go! Get out when you have that feeling of ending it now! You'll be better for it. Hang in,and let us know what happens!

 

He just called me from a pay phone from a grocery store. His son was with him shopping. I asked him what he wanted. He said that he loved me and didn't want to see me cry.

 

 

But that's all he said. I asked him what I should do right now and he said "he didn't no."

 

I said, "well should I show up and fight for you, or show up and fight against you and her, or should I hope for a better tomorrow with you, or should you by me a new bed and frame, or should I appreciate you, or what? His reply was "I don't know."

 

I told him that he never had a plan with me although he acted it out. And that I don't have the energy to fight for him or against him. I also said that I am not interested in an expensive present becuase it will still remind me of him even though I am sick of my bed.

 

I then read the replies from the three people in here and it made me stronger. I told him that he is always the first to say goodbye. But I am saying goodbye and I hung up the phone.

 

I am going nuts right now because I am going AGAINST my nature and my habit of always being let go of first. He called back and I didn't answer but he left a message that he would be in touch by 7 p.m. which is a first because I never get calls that late on the weekend.

 

It's driving him nuts I think because his marriage is just as crappy now as it was when I met him. Now it's worst because she found out. But before when he tried to end it with me, I couldn't walk away. The pain was too unbearable.

 

Breaking up with just him involved is painful enough let alone add her to the picture. It's anotehr thing to break up when you watch the man that you have been with because he said his wife was EVIL, stand there holding hands with her as if he hated me. But he could do that because he had HOPE and his focus was on her. She would cry and he would perform but because she doesn't have to take responsibility for the reasons they do not connect, he is still lonely and after a few weeks always comes back.

 

But this time, I left first and I NEVER LEAVE! Even when she wasn't directly involved, I knew it needed to end but could not end it with him. I just saw Brokeback Mountain and although we're not gay, I could relate to the dark haired guy who always had hope and was willing to be together and face whatever.

 

I told him that he was only calling me because he doesn't have her to fall back on and if we were ending because she found out, he wouldn't have called me today let alone tell me he is calling tonight. He says he doesn't want his wife to find out, deep down HE NEEDS HIS WIFE TO FIND OUT and I am not going to let that happen.

[Guest]

So thank you for reading it and understanding it. Also thank you for empathizing with me and not judging me.

 

 

This is so hard because I hate losing and I hate knowing that I let someone take something from me...it was my innocence. I never dated a married man but have had my share of hits. I would have never compromised myself. Now I will never trust a married man because any sign which could be innocent will be judged by me. I can go backwards but not really. I will never be the same again.

 

 

I even felt like the luckiest woman in the world at one point. Right now, I feel like I cannot do better than him. Is that normal?

 

I am ending it because he has "left" me to or three times. And it has been because she found out. SHe would get mad and he would quit doing everything. He would confess and that would hurt my feelings.

 

 

I mean, I truly wanted the world to know. But he didn't. So I protected his lie and he is the one blabbering it out.

 

 

And what's crazy about what I just said is that I know that the truth is the best and I am carrying his disease better than him!

 

I guess it's because the only time he told the "truth" was when it would keep his marriage. But he didn't tell the truth in a way to show how much he loved me and that I should be respected.

 

I told him that he better hope that she doesn't find out this time because I am not going to stand there getting assaulted while he turns on me. They have enough to salvage their lives. I told him that since he likes being stuck, then he needs to STAY STILL while I maneuver myself out of this jam and find a road that leads me home, to God, to my family, to friends, to health, etc. Just like the traffic jam, all those cars represent the things he doesn't want to lose (the cat, the family vacation, the house, the furniture, the housewife, "she does her part and I do my part," etc. The biggest barrier down the road is his wife. So I told him that since I can't get through the barrier and he can't move it, then I need to wiggle through the maze of "cars" which means that his stuff needs to stand still. And if he really loves me, then he will not add to my pain and I will never interrupt his ability to leave work at 4:59 again.

 

And Jane, I know I am sounding really messed up in the head right now. Because I know that people will say that I don't deserve respect. I didn't get involved with him because I wanted to wreck a home or steal a man. He said it was already wrecked and he thought his life was over until he met me. Trust me, I deserve respect! I deserve it! I do! I didn't deserve to be treated this way. Noone deserves to have their heart hurt. And he told me that his marriage was over except for the kids. I know now that is the line from all married men. But he had to really work his magic and tell me something to get me to agree to see him so you can imagine all of the things that he said. I really didn't think I was causing any harm and that he and I met and were destined to see this through to the end...except I thought it would end with us together. Now I know that his plan was to ride this out until either woman got completely fed up.

 

Anyway, i could use some support because this is one of the hardest things to go through. After 2 1/2 years, I am still in this town with very few friends because I spent so much time trying to hide this relationship. I gained weight (about 40 pounds), I am jobless because I had to pattern my life to fit his damn LUNCH hour!

 

My house is a mess. I have gained so much weight. No friends. No job. No family. No life. No man. No married man. Nothing.

 

So how do I get through this and not wind up as roadkill?

[Guestxyz]

Shut this down for the wife and innocent child. The guy sounds like a selfish jerk who used you. If nothing else, shut it down for your own self-esteem.

[NearlyThere]

=. I just saw Brokeback Mountain and although we're not gay, I could relate to the dark haired guy who always had hope and was willing to be together and face whatever.

 

 

Funny, I saw Brokeback Mountain this week as well and I thought exactly the same as you did, although not a gay, the rest of the parralels in this film seemed quite spooky, I could relate to the dark haired guy as well!!!

[norajane]

Guest, you might always wait until someone breaks up with you, but in this case, you need to end this permanently. Regardless of whatever might have been good between you, he is not good for you. You deserve a man who can be fully yours, who won't ask you to settle for part of a relationship - a man who does not have a wife.

 

Get this jerk out of your life and out of your system, or your happiness will be forever on hold.