JimJ Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 I'm 23 and the girl i'm seeing is 27, things are getting pretty serious between us and it's only a matter of time before the real intimcay kicks in. I've never been with anyone before, no real reason it just never happened, whereas she's been with a few guys. When we 1st met she asked me how many girls i'd been with and i told her one. Dunno why it just came out... maybe i was afraid of what she'd think. Anyway now i'm wondering if i should tell her the truth or just leave it... i want us to be open and honest with eachother about everything, but at the same time i'm afraid of what she'll think/say and how her opinion of me might change. Is it really that big of a deal or am i just blowing things out of proportion? I could really do with some words of wisdom on the matter.
Ripples Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 I think you may be blowing things out of proportion. The only thing I'd be slightly concerned about, if I were you, is the fact you didn't tell her the truth. That counts for quite a lot, as a woman. Soooo, you may want to start off by saying how sorry you are for not telling the truth and explain why. Other than that, virginity isn't a big deal, or at least, it doesn't have to be
Road Rage Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 JimiJ Don`t tell her. At least not until you have done the deed with her for a while. If you do it will become a student teacher thing and you don`t want that. Be the man, just do your thing as best you know. You do not have to had sex to have sex. Somehow it works ok for a woman to be a virgin and the man not but when the cards are turned it`s just something about it. Better for you to be on equal turf with her. at least in her mind. Forget about honesty. Women are seldom honest with men about anything anyway.....especially sex:cool:
Spinderella Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 I don't think you should be worried about her knowing that you are a virgin. I think though that you are more concerned with the fact that you lied to her and whether you should come clean or not. Personally I think it is better to come clean and apologise for it, than to be constantly worrying that she might find out you lied, or for it to just be on your conscience. Ripples is right, lying is a huge deal for women and you need to explain to her that it isnt something you usually do (long as thats true), which is why you needed to come clean especially before sleeping with her.
Author JimJ Posted November 16, 2006 Author Posted November 16, 2006 Thanks for the replies everyone. I think the main issue is that i lied to her about it. She's been really honest with me about certain things and it's a really big deal that she has been so open with me. I wish i had told her right from the start. I think part of me thought that if i told her then she'd just always see me as a virgin... like she wouldn't be able to get past it or something. I think i wanted her to know me before she knew i was a virgin... i dunno if that makes sense to you? I'm afraid that she'll see me as less of a man or something. The whole thing is on my mind alot. One minute i'll think to myself that this isn't a big deal and that i don't need to tell her... and the next minute i think that i need to be honest with her and tell her the truth.
Spinderella Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Thanks for the replies everyone. I think the main issue is that i lied to her about it. She's been really honest with me about certain things and it's a really big deal that she has been so open with me. I wish i had told her right from the start. I think part of me thought that if i told her then she'd just always see me as a virgin... like she wouldn't be able to get past it or something. I think i wanted her to know me before she knew i was a virgin... i dunno if that makes sense to you? I'm afraid that she'll see me as less of a man or something. The whole thing is on my mind alot. One minute i'll think to myself that this isn't a big deal and that i don't need to tell her... and the next minute i think that i need to be honest with her and tell her the truth. If you speak to her as openly and honestly as you have just done on here, then I really think she will forgive you, and love you all the more for it.
Author JimJ Posted November 16, 2006 Author Posted November 16, 2006 The 2 of us are really into eachother... she's said some pretty strong things about how she feels about me. When she told me stuff about her past it bugged me, but i realised that i shouldn't let those things get in the way of the potential happiness we could have. The fact that she was honest about things meant alot and she told me stuff that no one else knew. I mean she didn't have to tell me, but she obviously cared enough about me to do so. I really want to be open and honest about things too... but i can't shake the fear of what she might think of me afterwards. Being a virgin isn't an easy thing for a guy to admit to.
Spinderella Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 No, which is why she will think highly of you for caring enough to have the courage to be honest about it. Honestly, I think it is bigger in your head than it will be in hers. From my own point of view, I would not think any less of a guy for being a virgin, not at all, in any way.
dgiirl Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of and i think this is your main problem. You seem ashamed of your situation, and more so because of the stereotype of it not being "manly". But everyone has a first and the fact that you are still a virgin says a lot about your own integrity. You could have easily went out and slept with the first easy person that walked past you, but you didnt. And i think you should be proud of that instead of ashamed. FYI, I lost my virginity in my early 20's too, and I remember how ashamed I felt back then. I didnt admit it to anyone and had a lot of pressure to sleep around before I was ready. But I waited until *I* was ready and when I was ready I met the man I eventually married (now divorced). But he was patient and was accepting of who I was, and if this girl has any grace, she'll accept you too. If not, then she wasnt worth your time anyways. I think if you appologize to her and tell her the reasons you lied, she should be understanding. It is a hard thing to admit too, and I would be forgiving to someone over this. However, I would have a harder time to forgive someone if they told me after sleeping with them. The fact that it's so heavy on your mind tells me you have to say something to her. Just remember, it's nothing to be ashamed about. And if she makes you feel shame about it, it speaks volumes about her own character, and you're better to know this sooner rather than later.
norajane Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Be honest and tell her you were embarrassed to tell her you were a virgin and apologize. She'll understand why you lied. You're not the first guy to lie about his experience, or lack thereof.
samantha010 Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 are you kidding me? of course you should tell her! worst part is..you lied to her to begin with....the same thing had happened to me but the other way around....in the beginning of the relationship my boyfriend told me he had slept with about 4 other girls meanwhile he was a virgin the entire time. He told me that he lied to me because he felt threatened and insecure over the fact that i had been with 1 other guy. i ended up forgiving him..but i made him pay for it of course. SO BASICALLY...TELL THE WOMAN THE TRUTH...IF U CARE A LOT FOR LIKE U SAY YOU DO THEN TELL HER...WHATEVER HAPPENS THEN WILL DETERMINE UR FUTURE WITH HER. *****FOR THE RECORD...DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!!*****
IpAncA Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 I understand why you didn't say anything BUT if you want an honest relationship, you have to be honest too. I wouldn't beat yourself over something like this because to me it's not that big of a deal. True you did lie and she will ask you why and such but if she anything like she should be she will let it slide. If not, be glad you found out now and not later. Just know that the longer you wait to tell her, the worse it will be.
samsungxoxo Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Welll aren't relationships based on communication and honesty?? If I was your g/f, I would be upset that you lied to me, not that you're a virgin. That's no big deal, I'm a virgin too (yes, sometimes I myself I'm embarrassed about that and I think at times it would be more easier if I wasn't). If she walks away, then she doesn't derserve your affection, that would mean she's worth nothing. Funny thing, at times I just wished I would have done like you did, lie to my b/f and tell him I'm experienced instead of revealing I'm a virgin. Then again, it would be only a matter of time before he would have found out and then be mad about it for lying. So it's not good to lie.
Author JimJ Posted November 18, 2006 Author Posted November 18, 2006 Thank u all for giving sound advice. Honesty really is the best policy and i see that now... i will tell her, before anything happens. If she likes me as much as she says she does then things should be ok. If not, then atleast i'll know her feelings weren't true.
westernxer Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 If you really like this girl, then tell her. If she's money, she won't mind.
Author JimJ Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 So i still havn't told her yet... The thing is it's not been easy for us to get to where we are cos of various issues we have but now that we are at this place where we do wanna be with eachother i'm afraid that if i tell her this it might be the straw that breaks the camels back so to speak.
Ripples Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 i'm afraid that if i tell her this it might be the straw that breaks the camels back so to speak. Are you saying that there are problems with your relationship, that it's not going well with you two?
Author JimJ Posted November 24, 2006 Author Posted November 24, 2006 No things are ok now, but at 1st there were some issues relating to her past and also some emotional problems i have, but as i said we seem to have come through all that stuff.
Ripples Posted November 24, 2006 Posted November 24, 2006 So, if you guys have dealt with the issues and the relationship is healthy, why would telling her you're a virgin 'be the last straw'? Do you see that that sounds like the relationship is not strong enough to bear another potential issue?
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