demilde Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Well been lurking for a while and been impressed with the advise and feeling from people on here. I was with my ex for 5 months and things were very good; we both got on like a house on fire. The relationship was very tactile and intimate, and just felt right for both of us. However she was quite guarded in talking about her emotions, but did let slip the occaisional "love you" in passing and smsing. We went away together several times and had a really great time. All her family and friends thought we were great together. Then out of the blue a phone call dumping me, claiming 3 things, money and work problems, not getting over previous b/f (1 1/2 years ago) and feeling claustraphobic. I didn't get all emotional about but accepted the situation as if its what she wanted there is no point in begging. Met up to get some stuff and she was in a bad way due to serious work issues, so we had a little chat not about the relationship but just other stuff, though did tell her I loved her and will miss her. Had a kiss and cuddle and left; she still wants to see me but doesn't want to settle down with me; I never mentioned that at all. Had a brief exchange of emails saying how I was the nicest person she knows but she just feels numb at the moment. I honestly think she is suffering from depression and maybe can't cope with someone being in her life at the moment. She is a very independent girl. I said that I'd see if we could meet up as friends and see how it goes, but not for a few months. I know she is trying to sort things out with her money/work issues and hope that she also finds a solution to her emotional issues. I've not contacted her since, but am sure I will get a text or card on b/day and christmas; which I will acknowledge. I do love her, and know we could be good together. Currently doing NC, which is hard, but guess time will tell how she feels. If we do go out I'll not mention relationship stuff and just see how we go as friends. In the meantime just getting on with my own stuff.
AZ03 Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Thats a real tough one. I would say keep up with the NC. You seem to be doing ok With it. Good Luck to you. If you have any advise for my post please reply as well.
Guest Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Im just going to tell you about my relationship past, so you can see how another woman is in relationships. I am what you would consider a very independent woman. I have been in 2 serious relationships, and in both of them I felt and reacted completely different to the respective bf. I met my first serious bf when I was 19. We dated for 6 yrs, broke up once in the middle of it and got back together. After about 2 years into the relationship, I started feeling smothered. I tried to push it down and ignore it, but couldnt, for 4 yrs. I wanted to run, I questioned my sanity (this was an amazing man), pushed him away, etc. Finally, I had to come clean with him. We broke up, but remain friends. I think the friend thing is a result of being honest, I did tell him I knew I could not settle down with him. Friendship didnt come immediately, but I digress... I met my second serious bf when I was 25. Let me just tell you the difference in my emotions with this man. I was completely enraptured by him and wanted to be with him, long term. I had none of the "I cant breath, I need to get some space" crap that plagued my first relationship. I still had my own life, but this time I made sure to make room for him in it. I guess I am saying what we all already know. When a person wants to be with you, they want to be with you. You can just feel the desire they have for you. My second bf and I broke up 2 months ago...I am so saddened by this as I wanted to be with him forever. But hey, it didnt work out. I know I need to just let him go. For whatever reasons it didnt work out, it has nothing to do with me as a person. I know I did my best in that relationship...that is what I have to walk away with. I dont have that same feeling from my first relationship, but I was in a different place. At times I regret going so far out there for bf2, but you know what? now I know I can go that far for someone and it feels great. With all of my independence, I wasnt so sure I could let someone in my life that way. If your relationship doesnt work out, please dont take it personally. I know that is one of the hardest things to ask of yourself, but it is the truth. In a way, my first relationship makes me know this for sure...That guy was amazing, there was not a single thing wrong with him, (we all have flaws, but you know what I mean), he was one of those perfect guys. We just didnt work out. I just didnt appreciate him becuase for some reason I wasnt ready to. Now he is with someone who does and I am so happy for him. He deserves it.
Author demilde Posted November 17, 2006 Author Posted November 17, 2006 Thanks Guest, I understand how sometimes its different and how its hard to explain why. I am not sitting here pining for her, but having been in a situation before where money problems and a general feeling of low self-worth got me to be in depression, and clarity of thinking made be run from my long term relationship, even though in hindsight I should have shared my worries with the one I loved. My depression wasn't accepted by my previous ex and I was given no support. This was hard for me and I resented her for it. Its just I can see similar things to what I was going through in her and if she is suffering depression then given what I know now I would like to help her in some way. I am not gonna be a doormat, or have any thought that once she is through it she will come running back, but I guess if you care about someone you want to help them. But like I say, I am not expecting anything, and don't feel that rejection is a slur on me. If I am honest it is a loss for her.
Spinderella Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 demilde, I really think you have done everything quite perfectly. You have not pressured her, and you have been respectful of her decision. You have expressed willing to be her friend, but at the same time, have acknowledged your own needs in healing from the break-up. You may be correct in identifying that she is depressed, and of course you want to help. However, if you jumped into this role too soon, then there would be some inevitable problems between you. You may not be able to forsee that properly now, although I think you have done a good job of it. You sound strong, but, denying your own emotions completely to help her, would undoubtedly take a toll, and of course one drowning man, cannot save another. I think you were wise to suggest a few months for you to get over the breakup before being her friend. You would be better equipped to be supportive after that time.
Author demilde Posted November 17, 2006 Author Posted November 17, 2006 demilde, I really think you have done everything quite perfectly. You have not pressured her, and you have been respectful of her decision. You have expressed willing to be her friend, but at the same time, have acknowledged your own needs in healing from the break-up. You may be correct in identifying that she is depressed, and of course you want to help. However, if you jumped into this role too soon, then there would be some inevitable problems between you. You may not be able to forsee that properly now, although I think you have done a good job of it. You sound strong, but, denying your own emotions completely to help her, would undoubtedly take a toll, and of course one drowning man, cannot save another. I think you were wise to suggest a few months for you to get over the breakup before being her friend. You would be better equipped to be supportive after that time. Thanks for that, with age comes experience, in the past I have done everything wrong, but this time I feel I am coping much better. I certainly won't be denying my own emotions, but to be honest I am not really intereted in getting involved at the moment; too much going on at work, trying to move house and startup a new business. I won't be contacting her for a few months for such, but will acknowledge a b/day or christmas card if one is sent, and I might even send a little something for christmas, but nothing mushy, just something to make her laugh. Time will tell.
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