Madeamistake Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Hi all! Im 23 years old and this is my first post! I cheated on my gf some time back! It was a one time thing that I will never do ever again! I was so wracked with guilt and sadness that I cried myself to sleep every night for over a month! The sadness for me was two prong; It was not only the betrayal of her, but also of myself as a person and everything we had worked hard to build! I became depressed and nearly suicidal. I seeked counselling for myself! I confessed my transgressions to her and she decided to forgive (Im lucky and greatful to God for that)! Even after confession, there were a lot of tears from the both of us and for me personally, I do shed a tear or two now and then! I am currently working on rebuilding her trust in me! I have done everything she has requested and beyond: 1. Went for blood tests HIV & STDs (Although I did use a condom). 1a. I made a vow to stop smoking to prove to her how much I love her and trust me its not easy (Personal choice to prove my love)! 2. Played open book (Access to everything - phone, e-mail, PC, you name it) 3. Always notify her of my whereabouts and never go out without her unless one of her friends comes with me (For my gf's sense of security)! 4. Try to be on time and when late, I call her to inform her how late I will be (usually 5 to 10 min)! 5. I go for counselling (My own choice though and it helps a lot)! 6. Talk openly about my feelings! 7. Pray a lot more and got to Church more! 8. Clean and cook for her more times that I used to (And we dont even stay together)! The list goes on, although a lot of times she also feels bad when I do certain things for her and states there being no need and that I have done enough! I guess I just want to live my apology to her without worshipping her of course! Amazingly she is also changing her flaws so that we are able to better suite each other's needs and make this work! I guess the lesson I have learnt and I can give is that - Dont ever cheat, the grass is hardly ever green on the other side (Be it a one night stand or a full on affair - call it what you may)! Well thats me, my life and my way of healing the wounds caused bY my idiotic, pathetic, non-exusable choice that night! Thanks and any feedback is greatly appreciated! Regards Madeamistake!
alyekmarion Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Now, you shd know 4 real that yo galfrend has genuwinely 4given you so stop mopping around like a child. grow up! bloodtests ,it was a good idea but it takes a man 2 say YES 2 that. Congs bro, you've got guts. playing open doors. not good coz its a tricky kinda situation.Qn. is yo galfrend playing open doors with you as in leting you stroll thru wenever you felt like it coz if not, think again. [watever happened to the famous term known as PRIVACY!? ] Notifying her of yo werabouts may not be such a bad idea if done ocasionally thou its ain't a guy's kinda thing.then this thing with her galfrends! watch yo back. you may ask WHY? answer is very simple. you or her may end up falling 4 the other becoz yo spending more time with her than yo galfrend. Informing her you'll be late is very asring. yo such a gentleman. its a very sweet gesture. keep it up. Councelling, its good 4 you. helps you deal with all kinds of things. its good 4 calming you down the talk about yo feelings,its good thou its a problem 4 most men. they are not very good at sharing their feelings. going 2 church is a good one. invite her 2 go with you. its good 2 cook 4 her once in a while but on an everyday basis, it sure kills the surprise. one last thing, be yo self. be the same person she fell inlove with. get over yo guilt. love her with strings attached. i mean, doing abcd... 2 show her that you care. mistakes are made therfore learn from them so as not to repeat the same mistake twice. I hope this helps you. [/love endures all and keeps no record of wrongs.]
Ripples Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Fantastic. All of it. You're doing absolutely the right thing with the 'open book', that's an incredibly important and powerful thing to do, you will reap the rewards ten-fold.
Author Madeamistake Posted November 16, 2006 Author Posted November 16, 2006 Hi alyekmarion! Thanks for the advice! 1. What you say is true with regards to privacy, although I feel that it is right to let her know where I am when not with her! I believe that it will help to restore trust! 2. I dont generally cook on a daily basis! What I meant was that I assist her more insteadof sitting and feeling entitled to it! And yeah, you have a point about being myself! I will slowly rework on bringing the good old side that she fell in love with back - although most if it is still there! 3. The blood tests where scary, but I felt that it was imperative to do for both our sake - healthwise! 4. Its true that I need to get over my guilt! Yes I made a mistake, I have lernt from it and I will am working on never being a repat offender! Hi Ripples Thanks for the encouragement! Sometimes I feel tired from iplaying the open book but I know that It will pay off! At least I wanther to trust me again, and I want to do my part in building an even stronger relationship! I reaaly appreciate the positive comments you guys game, as I was a little hesitant - thought I would get fired dopwn merely for the mistake made! Thanks guys
ely Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Hi alyekmarion! Thanks for the advice! 1. What you say is true with regards to privacy, although I feel that it is right to let her know where I am when not with her! I believe that it will help to restore trust! 2. I dont generally cook on a daily basis! What I meant was that I assist her more insteadof sitting and feeling entitled to it! And yeah, you have a point about being myself! I will slowly rework on bringing the good old side that she fell in love with back - although most if it is still there! 3. The blood tests where scary, but I felt that it was imperative to do for both our sake - healthwise! 4. Its true that I need to get over my guilt! Yes I made a mistake, I have lernt from it and I will am working on never being a repat offender! Hi Ripples Thanks for the encouragement! Sometimes I feel tired from iplaying the open book but I know that It will pay off! At least I wanther to trust me again, and I want to do my part in building an even stronger relationship! I reaaly appreciate the positive comments you guys game, as I was a little hesitant - thought I would get fired dopwn merely for the mistake made! Thanks guys U are a lucky man, to be honest, not every one forgives a cheater. She is a good person. Then again, I do believe that we all deserve a chance but I also feel it is selfish of the cheater not to end it and give the other person a chance to be happy and free of doubts.
Guest Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Hi all! Im 23 years old and this is my first post! I cheated on my gf some time back! It was a one time thing that I will never do ever again! I was so wracked with guilt and sadness that I cried myself to sleep every night for over a month! The sadness for me was two prong; It was not only the betrayal of her, but also of myself as a person and everything we had worked hard to build! I became depressed and nearly suicidal. I seeked counselling for myself! I confessed my transgressions to her and she decided to forgive (Im lucky and greatful to God for that)! Even after confession, there were a lot of tears from the both of us and for me personally, I do shed a tear or two now and then! I am currently working on rebuilding her trust in me! I have done everything she has requested and beyond: 1. Went for blood tests HIV & STDs (Although I did use a condom). 1a. I made a vow to stop smoking to prove to her how much I love her and trust me its not easy (Personal choice to prove my love)! 2. Played open book (Access to everything - phone, e-mail, PC, you name it) 3. Always notify her of my whereabouts and never go out without her unless one of her friends comes with me (For my gf's sense of security)! 4. Try to be on time and when late, I call her to inform her how late I will be (usually 5 to 10 min)! 5. I go for counselling (My own choice though and it helps a lot)! 6. Talk openly about my feelings! 7. Pray a lot more and got to Church more! 8. Clean and cook for her more times that I used to (And we dont even stay together)! The list goes on, although a lot of times she also feels bad when I do certain things for her and states there being no need and that I have done enough! I guess I just want to live my apology to her without worshipping her of course! Amazingly she is also changing her flaws so that we are able to better suite each other's needs and make this work! I guess the lesson I have learnt and I can give is that - Dont ever cheat, the grass is hardly ever green on the other side (Be it a one night stand or a full on affair - call it what you may)! Well thats me, my life and my way of healing the wounds caused bY my idiotic, pathetic, non-exusable choice that night! Thanks and any feedback is greatly appreciated! Regards Madeamistake! First of all, YOU ARE TOOOOOOO YOUNG TO BE THAT SERIOUS! You need to be single until you are at least 30 years old. And if you don't mind me saying, you don't need to be on that tight of a leash at your age! Gosh, you are 22? What will you do when you are 42, kids, a mortgage, and she nags more, the sex becomes old? You will cheat again! So my advice is to go out and kick it! Enjoy being single! Also, I know that i's wrong to cheat. But it's also really sickening to hear that you are letting go of so much privacy to a girlfriend that technically you are not obligated to. Since you feel so morally guilty about "cheating" it is technically wrong to have sex before you are married. So you shoulnd't be sleeping with your girlfriend either becuase the leash will get old, or you could break up, and then if you get married, you have already cheated on your future wife just by teh fact that you are screwing right now. This guilt is worst than the crime. You need to get your freak on (safely) while you are young OR you should vow celibacy even from your girlfriend. And you should not allow even her to take away your freedom...not at 22.
basket Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Youre a very lucky guy with a fantastic girlfriend. I can safely say i know exactly how you feel because after i cheated on my gf, i went through a period of psychological trauma. Im still going through it today. Im always being criticised, ridiculed, belittled, emotionally and physically abused by my gf, who is now my ex and also by myself. She dumped me but we still do everything together minus the intimacy and affection we once shared. She gave me the opportunity to still have her in my life and i readily took it determined to make things right with her. I still hate myself thoroughly for breaking my own beliefs and my ex does nothing to fill that emotional void. She just needs my company and one day i know she will leave. Im not asking for pity, but you should cherish your GF man. Never make the mistake ever again. Good luck with your relationship buddy and count your blessings!
Author Madeamistake Posted November 16, 2006 Author Posted November 16, 2006 Youre a very lucky guy with a fantastic girlfriend. I can safely say i know exactly how you feel because after i cheated on my gf, i went through a period of psychological trauma. Im still going through it today. Im always being criticised, ridiculed, belittled, emotionally and physically abused by my gf, who is now my ex and also by myself. She dumped me but we still do everything together minus the intimacy and affection we once shared. She gave me the opportunity to still have her in my life and i readily took it determined to make things right with her. I still hate myself thoroughly for breaking my own beliefs and my ex does nothing to fill that emotional void. She just needs my company and one day i know she will leave. Im not asking for pity, but you should cherish your GF man. Never make the mistake ever again. Good luck with your relationship buddy and count your blessings! Thanks a lot and I know how lucky I truely am to have such a girl in my life! I still cant believe that I would do such a thing! I guess, I have to live with that! I must say that I will NEVER EVER do what I did ever again, no matter what/who comes along in my life! Thanks for the encouragement! Take care and wish you all the best too!
Author Madeamistake Posted November 16, 2006 Author Posted November 16, 2006 As for the guest! I totally disagree with you in terms of being too young or too old! I generally think that you are impossing your own belief systems on others and believe that you are infact being a little too judgemental! I would understand it if you were to fire me down for cheating on her! Are you ever to young to achieve anything, to young to know the difference between right/wrong! I agree with you on one thing though and that it is morally incorrect to already be sexually active with my girlfriend before marrying! That I am working on and have spoken to her about it! I have raised it to her that should we from here one rather not wait until we are married? We are working on that! As for going out and getting my freak on coz Im too young to be in love? Will I not be continuing what has been already so distructive to our lives in the first place? I know I cheated and opt to never do it again, thus what is the point! I know where my heart truly lies and that my transgression has taught me a lot! Question: How can you therefore judge what is right for me with no knowledge of how I feel about it? Hey, what if I die in tomorrow/next week/a month/two years from now with no knowledge of what true love is? 2nd Question: When love knocks, do you shut it out cause you want to have fun? JMO! OHHH! I just wanted to highlight the fact that it was my choice to let her in on my movements. She feels no need to know, I just feel that it is right for me to be open about! Im showing how genuine I am about being hnoest to her! I think honesty and being open will lead to the restoration of trust that has been lost!
Author Madeamistake Posted November 16, 2006 Author Posted November 16, 2006 U are a lucky man, to be honest, not every one forgives a cheater. She is a good person. Then again, I do believe that we all deserve a chance but I also feel it is selfish of the cheater not to end it and give the other person a chance to be happy and free of doubts. Hi ely! Thanks for the response! She truly is an amazing person and personally, Im finding it extremely hard to forgive myself for what I have done! I would just like to highlight one thing though! I gave her the option to leave and find someone who would not do to her what I did! She chose to stay! So what I would like to ask is? If you cheated on you mate, would you make the decision to end your relationship with/without telling them or would you rather let them decide? I will be honest with you, I did not expect her to take me back and I totally understood the dynamics of what I did? I knew that I would possibly lose her forever? But I left the decision to her totally! She told me earlier on today that she is happy with the decision she took to stay! She sees what I did as it is - a mistake! (I am indeed greatful to have such a wonderful person in my life) NEVER EVER AGAIN DO I DO SUCH A THING!!!!
luvtoto Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Madeamistake, I trust you already, and I don't even know you! People make mistakes. You seem mature in how you are dealing with things.
Author Madeamistake Posted November 17, 2006 Author Posted November 17, 2006 Madeamistake, I trust you already, and I don't even know you! People make mistakes. You seem mature in how you are dealing with things. Hi luvtoto! Thank you for the compliment! Your comments bring about a positive energy that gives me even more encouragement! I really appreciate the support and it means so much to me! I think the maturity in my handling of things came through the realization of my mistakes, what I stood to loose as well as what I had lost (The innocense and blind trust in the realtionship)! Last night I was thinking to myself about how I am not perfect but will strive for that - one day at a time! At least at the end of the day I will know that I am doing my best to mend my what I once destroyed and do believe that it is possible! Thank you and take care! Ohh I forgot, I like the 'Fo Shizzle popsicle' saying you have! Pretty cool IMO
insomnie Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Hi Madeamistake! You sound like a great guy and I agree that you are on the right track to regaining your gf's trust as well as becoming a better, stronger, wiser person! But, have you ever heard of a period!
Author Madeamistake Posted November 17, 2006 Author Posted November 17, 2006 Hi Madeamistake! You sound like a great guy and I agree that you are on the right track to regaining your gf's trust as well as becoming a better, stronger, wiser person! But, have you ever heard of a period! Hi insomnie! Thanks for your response! When you talk about period, I am assuming time right? If so then yes! There will be a time when I would need to ease off the intensity of my efforts although not stop them completely! When? I am not quite sure as yet to be quite honest! It is difficult for me to say for now! I guess only time will tell! I think that there is no clear cut way to these things, just guidelines! Thanks and if you wish to make a suggestion, please feel free! I would appreciate it!
Kinger25 Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Hi Madeamistake I agree with you that you are not too young to take a relationship seriously. My first relationship started when I was only 17 and it lasted 8 years. It all depends on your persepctive and outlook on life as to whether you choose to be 23, free and single and ready to nail anything in sight, or whether you choose to be in a caring relationship with a woman that you love, its all a matter of choice and Guest was wrong to be offering you such flippant advice. One thing I would say though, is dont try TOO hard to win back her trust. I respect the things that you are doing for your GF and the effort that you are putting in, but after a case of infidelity, you need to re-build your relationship from the foundations again. Trust is earnt and you could do everything under the sun to try and MAKE her trust you again, but it may not necessarily work. Trust should be built up progressively. You need to take a step back, a deep breath and go into everything very S L O W L Y. Earn her respect and build the trust gradually rather than going into it like a bull in a china shop and I think you may find it becomes a bit easier to start connecting with your GF again. Good Luck
Author Madeamistake Posted November 17, 2006 Author Posted November 17, 2006 Hi Madeamistake I agree with you that you are not too young to take a relationship seriously. My first relationship started when I was only 17 and it lasted 8 years. It all depends on your persepctive and outlook on life as to whether you choose to be 23, free and single and ready to nail anything in sight, or whether you choose to be in a caring relationship with a woman that you love, its all a matter of choice and Guest was wrong to be offering you such flippant advice. One thing I would say though, is dont try TOO hard to win back her trust. I respect the things that you are doing for your GF and the effort that you are putting in, but after a case of infidelity, you need to re-build your relationship from the foundations again. Trust is earnt and you could do everything under the sun to try and MAKE her trust you again, but it may not necessarily work. Trust should be built up progressively. You need to take a step back, a deep breath and go into everything very S L O W L Y. Earn her respect and build the trust gradually rather than going into it like a bull in a china shop and I think you may find it becomes a bit easier to start connecting with your GF again. Good Luck Hi Kinger25! Thanks for that advice! Funny enough the song 'ordinary people' by John Legend was playing in my mind! I shall take it a lot more slowly! Retain being a wonderful person but at a very calm pace! You raised a very valid point here! Thanks and take care!
luvtoto Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 Hi luvtoto! Thank you for the compliment! Your comments bring about a positive energy that gives me even more encouragement! I really appreciate the support and it means so much to me! I think the maturity in my handling of things came through the realization of my mistakes, what I stood to loose as well as what I had lost (The innocense and blind trust in the realtionship)! Last night I was thinking to myself about how I am not perfect but will strive for that - one day at a time! At least at the end of the day I will know that I am doing my best to mend my what I once destroyed and do believe that it is possible! Thank you and take care! Well, good!! I love a happy ending. You seem like you have lots of character. And by the way, no one is perfect, but all we can do is try to be the best person we can be. Just remember, that you made a mistake, but at some point, you are going to have to let yourself off the hook for it and forgive yourself. Ohh I forgot, I like the 'Fo Shizzle popsicle' saying you have! Pretty cool IMO Thanks, madeamistake. We have two computers in my home that sit next to each other. When my teenage daughter and I sit next to each other...the next thing you know.. we are talking!! Go figure!! She doesn't realize that I have it that way because of that reason. Anyways, the other night I asked her what I should put as my LS signature. She told me to use that saying.
Guest Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 As for the guest! I agree with you on one thing though and that it is morally incorrect to already be sexually active with my girlfriend before marrying! That I am working on and have spoken to her about it! I have raised it to her that should we from here one rather not wait until we are married? We are working on that! ! What's there to work on? Just stop! If you are going to do what is right or wrong, then just stop! As for going out and getting my freak on coz Im too young to be in love? Will I not be continuing what has been already so distructive to our lives in the first place? I know I cheated and opt to never do it again, thus what is the point! I know where my heart truly lies and that my transgression has taught me a lot! I agree. I was just saying that this is a girlfriend and not your wife. So if you are trying to be faithful to your WIFE, then you need to be faithful until you know for sure that she is who you want. And if that's the case, i would suggest to truly work on your HEART and not the FLESH. Because you haven't "cheated" with your heart, but with your penis. I don't remember reading that you had given the other girl your heart.... Question: How can you therefore judge what is right for me with no knowledge of how I feel about it? Hey, what if I die in tomorrow/next week/a month/two years from now with no knowledge of what true love is? 2nd Question: When love knocks, do you shut it out cause you want to have fun? How can I judge? I never JUDGED you unless you say that everyone else is judging you too. You put your life out here on "front street" in this forum. You asked for advice and just because you don't like my advice doesn't mean I am wrong because I am not telling you what you want to hear right now. That right there shows your maturity level. When I was 22, I thought I knew everything too and thought it wasn't about age. And I really don't care either way if you screw or not. But I am saying that you have a girlfriend and not a wife. So if you are screwing your girlfriend, then you might want to consider being free and experiencing being single if you can do it an not feel guilt free and before you have to make such a big commitment to one person. Or if you are ready to make a commitment to your girlfriend, then stop screwing her, too, until after you are married. Because the transgression still exists. Premarital sex is still premarital sex no matter who it's with. And what does your Bible say about that? And my last bit of advice, if your girlfriend loves you and you love her, then you should spend more time right now focusing on GOD and feeling more guilty about why you were cheating on God with the Devil. I am sure this isn't your first sin. If your girlfriend truly wants a spiritual man and a spiritual relationship, then she needs to allow you to get it for YOURSELF. Too many times, I see people who just use GOD to fit into what they want but GOD wants you to get with his plan.
Author Madeamistake Posted November 20, 2006 Author Posted November 20, 2006 Well, good!! I love a happy ending. You seem like you have lots of character. And by the way, no one is perfect, but all we can do is try to be the best person we can be. Just remember, that you made a mistake, but at some point, you are going to have to let yourself off the hook for it and forgive yourself. Thanks, madeamistake. We have two computers in my home that sit next to each other. When my teenage daughter and I sit next to each other...the next thing you know.. we are talking!! Go figure!! She doesn't realize that I have it that way because of that reason. Anyways, the other night I asked her what I should put as my LS signature. She told me to use that saying. Hi Luvtoto! Thank you for the compliments! All I can do is try, try and try! I was proud of myself this weekend! I spent most of my time with the boys and my girlfriend spent hers with her friends and amazingly, not once did I find any other girl appealing - I was constantly thinking of my girlfriend and what a wonderful person she is! We even kept texting each other during the nights we were out with our buddies! Hey, it mad me feel good, it helped me to realize that my mistake was what it was! I realized that, the moment I went partying with out any 'supervision' so to speak, I had made a choice subconsciuosly! I had made the choice to stick to my promise, to know that I am not a weak person overall - No matter what opportunities presented themselves and trust me they did, but I just brushed them off! I was proud of myself overall! It was fun, good clean fun! I can finally find strength to forgive myself and feel that I deserve to be trusted again, but more so trust myself again! Fo shizzle!
silentalways Posted November 20, 2006 Posted November 20, 2006 the thing i have learned recently [and very important] is that ever single one of these 'action plans' are great and build trust and are vital but you have to do them IN PERSON not by posting on some forum, under fake names, etc. i have made a vow and an oath to never be that screwup i was before and i am an 'open book' but to only those that will show respect and love. for example - i have so many really important things going on right now, and instead of crumbling under the weight, like i did before, i have my boo-boo cry alone then go and kick but in record time! lol anyhoooooooo - sleeeeeeeeeeepies
Author Madeamistake Posted November 22, 2006 Author Posted November 22, 2006 Hi Silentalways! I apologize for the late response! I have been spending a lot of time with my girl so I really havent had a chance to post! Thank you for your recommendations!
Recommended Posts