What now?

[kymberann]

I'll stick to basics but just wanted some feedback. I was "seeing" a married man for awhile, a long while. A lot of the things happened that occur during an affair. I am not married. Well, wife finally got suspicious and the MM ended it this last Sunday. Yes, it was heart wrenching. Promises made. things said and done. Typical things with having a relationship with a MM. My question is, even though wife has suspiscions, what do you all think of wife getting a phone call confirming those suspiscions? My reasons are many trust me, but I am just curious as to who would want to know or not. Actually, I am also questioning where do I go from here too?

Would you rather know than live with those suspiscions? What do you recommend?

Thanks for the feedback?

[yousaveme]

My MM's wife called me...It was single most worst experience in my life.

 

But yet, we are back together. The breakup only last about 3 weeks..we never had a period of NC during the breakup. But we got OFFICALLY back together about 3 weeks after she found out.

[kymberann]

HI YSM

So what do you suggest I do, wait? How did the wife find out in your situation ? I am glad to see you here on this forum, I usually read yuor posts on the other. It's a relief it's out, but it has come with issues just as worse as the affair itself!

[yousaveme]

HI YSM

So what do you suggest I do, wait? How did the wife find out in your situation ? I am glad to see you here on this forum, I usually read yuor posts on the other. It's a relief it's out, but it has come with issues just as worse as the affair itself!

 

 

It hard to say to tell someone what to do in the situtation...She found out by hearing us arguing then she saw a txt i sent him. And he confirmed it.

 

We never really had a period of NC..We "brokeup" but we talked when we could ( or should i say when he could). Our feelings never changed. And she (the W) knew it. She said it to him.

 

We went from talking every few days , to every other, then everyday. On the im's. But the feelings didnt change...I think we were both looking to see what was happening feelings wise...whether what we were feeling was real or not.

 

And then we were offically back together like we were if not stronger...

[noforgiveness]

She does not need to hear from you. You have done enough damage to her marriage. Stay out of it.

 

If you're hoping if you tell her she will leave him and he will be yours you are being extremely selfish and self centered.

[yousaveme]

She does not need to hear from you. You have done enough damage to her marriage. Stay out of it.

 

If you're hoping if you tell her she will leave him and he will be yours you are being extremely selfish and self centered.

 

Excuse me? I might be confused was this for my post? I didnt call the W , she called me..

[noforgiveness]

no it was for the original poster who wants to call his wife.

[whichwayisup]

You calling her (I think I can assume) is a trap. Hope that she'll leave him so you can have her husband.

 

Look, he has chosen his wife, it's over and the best thing you can do is move on - Get therapy if you need help getting over him.

 

He wasn't in ANY position to make you promises, seeing as he is married. That was wrong! But, you knew going in that he was married, had lied to his wife, so don't fool yourself into thinking that he was completely honest with you. Chances are things weren't too bad at home and he just needed more, so he decided to cheat on his wife.

[yousaveme]

no it was for the original poster who wants to call his wife.

 

 

Oh okay...Oh yes dont contact wife....she wants to talk to you she will contact you...If she hasnt by now, she isnt planning on it..

[pricillia]

No I do not think that you should call his wife, what good can that possibly do? He told you that it is over ( I think ) so I think that you should try to move on, as hard as it may be.

 

Did he wrong you in some way when he broke up with you that you feel that you need to get him back? If his wife thinks that he may be having an affair, then that is all she needs is her intuition, she knows what is really going on.

[kymberann]

I think he did wrong me, but what do I know. Of course MM make promises, say things that they won't follow thorugh with. MM would make statements that we will be together, but when it came down to it, when wife was figuring things out, that's when he wanted to end it. Hell what do I know anymore! I don't think I would tell her out of spite or for revenge. I still have feelings, It's a possibility though. My opinion was that if I were a BS I would want to know. Hell everybody else knows! WHat do you think about wanting to know?

THanks for the feedback.

[NoIDidn't]

Do you want to end it or do you want to continue it? Depending on your answer to that question, you will know what to do. IF you want to end it, and subsequently devastate her, then call. If you want to wait until he comes sniffing around again, then don't call.

 

Based on what you are saying, she doesn't know, but is very suspicious. I know a guy who told his OW that his W found out just to break up with her, when in fact his W didn't know. He just wanted to end things with her, and its hard to do once you have the OW all riled up thinking that she is the best thing since sliced bread. Its hard to say, I don't want to be with you anymore, when you've been told how great you are.

 

Not saying that this is what he did to you, but it is something to think about.

[whichwayisup]

when wife was figuring things out, that's when he wanted to end it

He probably realized that he didn't want to lose his wife, his marriage and all that they built together. Didn't want to lose his family, his friends, his inlaws, his neighbours....He has way too much to lose, all he has known and worked for.

 

Stupid thing is - It's too bad he didn't think of all that stuff BEFORE choosing to cheat on his wife and get involved with you. But, it takes two to have an affair, so as long as you're understanding the consquences of your own part in the affair, your own actions and decisions (he didn't 'make' you go for him, you chose to be in his life that way) then somehow you're gonna have to make your own closure and get over him.

 

It isn't your place to tell her. You're the last person who should tell her because it's not really coming from a "I feel bad, you need to know your a-hole hubby has cheated on you" place. To her, you are PART of the reason why her husband cheated!! You're the OW, so please, DO NOT CALL HER. It's not your life, your pain, everything that you've ever known that will be turned upside down...It's hers. IF he chooses to tell her, that so be it, but you cannot interfer in their marriage and decide if it's best for her to know.

[kymberann]

Thanks for that NoIdidn't. Good point. However I kind of knew it was coming to this, he was "trying" to see me less and less over the last week. Not our usual routine of spending time together. A few weeks ago I called his cell and she answered. He usually has it with him all the time so that when I call he can answer. Well this one time she answered and I froze and hung up. She looked through his cell and found my initials and number, questioned him. He erased all his calls which made it more suspiscious to her, so he says. THen he went outside to call and apologized for having to talk to her. A week later, last sunday is when he told me about all of this. She also met me a while back and hugged me. She then told the MM that I acted nervous and according to MM is putting two and two together. However she is putting two and two together, but I go back and forth as to whether I should confirm her suspiscions. I highly doubt MM will come back anyway. Do they typically, even after on the verge of being caught?

[whichwayisup]

whether I should confirm her suspiscions

 

NO NO NO!! It is NOT your place to tell her. IF he chooses to tell her, so be it!! Keep out of their marriage.

[Wantingtogetitright]

I won't say what I think of you as this would take pages!

 

As to answering your question.

 

NO

 

do not call her, walk away and buy a mirror, sit in front of it and take a long long hard look at yourself.

[yousaveme]

Thanks for that NoIdidn't. Good point. However I kind of knew it was coming to this, he was "trying" to see me less and less over the last week. Not our usual routine of spending time together. A few weeks ago I called his cell and she answered. He usually has it with him all the time so that when I call he can answer. Well this one time she answered and I froze and hung up. She looked through his cell and found my initials and number, questioned him. He erased all his calls which made it more suspiscious to her, so he says. THen he went outside to call and apologized for having to talk to her. A week later, last sunday is when he told me about all of this. She also met me a while back and hugged me. She then told the MM that I acted nervous and according to MM is putting two and two together. However she is putting two and two together, but I go back and forth as to whether I should confirm her suspiscions. I highly doubt MM will come back anyway. Do they typically, even after on the verge of being caught?

 

 

 

No, Dont contact her. If she has an idea she will ask him. He will either confirm it or deny it. Its in their hands.

 

As for him coming back, who knows. My situtation seems to differ there.

 

He walked away before getting caught and hasnt contacted you. As hard as it is , and your feeling down and hurt. You need to heal and move on.

[Chapter2]

K, try to think about your motive in telling his wife... would it really be to "help" her or is it about justice and what he did to you? I have to check my motives all the time and when I do that and am honest with myself it usually stops me in my tracks. Don't misunderstand me, I have NO stones to throw at you and I know you're in a really hard place. This man made promises he had no right to make.

 

It may very well be that she knows in her gut but doesn't want to know anywhere else. Maintain your dignity and let her deal or not deal with this however she wants to. EVERYTHING comes out in the wash...everything. You may not know it or see it for yourself, but I can promise you that he will out himself whether it be with you or with someone else. At base he disrespects his wife and has destroyed their trust. She will find this out whether you tell her or not. Just walk away with dignity and don't look back. You'll be glad you did in the long run. Take care of YOU and get an accountability friend. I'd be completely lost without mine.

 

I'll stick to basics but just wanted some feedback. I was "seeing" a married man for awhile, a long while. A lot of the things happened that occur during an affair. I am not married. Well, wife finally got suspicious and the MM ended it this last Sunday. Yes, it was heart wrenching. Promises made. things said and done. Typical things with having a relationship with a MM. My question is, even though wife has suspiscions, what do you all think of wife getting a phone call confirming those suspiscions? My reasons are many trust me, but I am just curious as to who would want to know or not. Actually, I am also questioning where do I go from here too?

Would you rather know than live with those suspiscions? What do you recommend?

Thanks for the feedback?

[Guest]

You calling her (I think I can assume) is a trap. Hope that she'll leave him so you can have her husband.

 

Look, he has chosen his wife, it's over and the best thing you can do is move on - Get therapy if you need help getting over him.

 

He wasn't in ANY position to make you promises, seeing as he is married. That was wrong! But, you knew going in that he was married, had lied to his wife, so don't fool yourself into thinking that he was completely honest with you. Chances are things weren't too bad at home and he just needed more, so he decided to cheat on his wife.

 

Men don't actually chose one woman over another. They choose what they built and what they may lose. It's not about the woman. It's about the "EMPIRE" so to speak. The house, the bank account, the idea of marriage, the furniture, the fact that she cleans the toilets but he takes out the trash, the kids....

 

In some instances, the men and women should end the relationship and want to but are too old and set in their ways to start over. If men could be free like lions, they would have several women. And the women would actually run in packs. Humans were like that once...but now, it goes against our human nature which is why we struggle with it so much.

[Romeo Must Die]

I would say nada. Please, leave BW alone.

 

Respectfully, guest, our two relationships cannot be compared. They are paralel but are two seperate physical universes (like night and day).

 

As in my case, so many MM re-write history from the bad marriage and being married too young to downplaying the affair (OW) when it's over. They're top bananna with zero credibility. Why is it the poor BW's fault for Bozos bad behavior, so he has a false conviction to cheat. If either of them were cheating, he is the cheater and probably not their better half. The betrayal on so many levels, even our most intimate secrets are revealed later as their "private confessions" with the other woman. It feels like you got hit straight in the heart with a 2x4.

 

It is also my claim that married men who cheat are selfish and they hurt everyone they say they love. The irony is they seem to hurt the very least of all.

 

[lasan]

I am afraid I have to go against the crowd on this. I am a BS. I wish someone would have told me. ( I did meet a few of my spouses OW afterwards) I think I deserved to know that information. He brought third parties into our marriage who could have had any sort of disease. His wife deserves to know the truth.

[whichwayisup]

Men don't actually chose one woman over another. They choose what they built and what they may lose. It's not about the woman. It's about the "EMPIRE" so to speak. The house, the bank account, the idea of marriage, the furniture, the fact that she cleans the toilets but he takes out the trash, the kids....

 

In some instances, the men and women should end the relationship and want to but are too old and set in their ways to start over. If men could be free like lions, they would have several women. And the women would actually run in packs. Humans were like that once...but now, it goes against our human nature which is why we struggle with it so much.

 

I hope you're not speaking for all mankind here...

[kymberann]

Thanks you all for the feedback!

All around this is quit debatable as to what the right thing to do is? I know don't slam me, I shouldn't have gone there any ways but I did. No lesson in morales needed here. I am taking accountability for what i did

Chapter 2 I still question my motives, it is partly to help her, she has suspiscions anyway, partly to retaliate, I know wrong motives, but that is what I feel after so much has been said and done. ANd partly hoping that maybe he would "come clean" and takin responsibilty for hurting both of us.

 

EVERYTHING comes out in the wash...everything. You may not know it or see it for yourself, but I can promise you that he will out himself whether it be with you or with someone else.

This makes sense to me and everything happens in its own time. But what if I never know if and when everything comes out? I guess it doesn't matter now. And that's what bothers me, I feel like I have to pretend that everythong we did and said didn't happen! I know I am looking for closure, so how does one go about looking for closure when it feels like there is still this big kept secret and I don't get to tell my side??

 

I was a BS about 15 years ago. It was told to ,er after everyone else knew, I felt like a fool for knowing last! I am glad I finally knew and I talked with the OW. It was painful all the same, but it helped make sense and convinced me to get out quick!

 

Anyway. Lasan, what as your experience having been told? Did you leave your husband?

Again, thanks for the insight

[lasan]

Kymberann- I didn't find out about alot of his "acitivities"( I knew about some, but not the staggering amount) until he had already picked one of his OW to leave me for. (one of the ones he had a child with). If I had known, if people had told me what it was everyone else knew, I would have left him in a heartbeat. He showed no respect for me, or concern for my saftey (again with the diseases).

 

I was kind to most of the OW. Some of them were very surprised to find out that I wasn't the one turning him down in the bedroom, in fact it was quite the opposite. I wasn't the one spending all the money and bouncing checks, him again. Some didn't know he was married at all, I felt sorry for one of those women the most because I think it broke her heart. The woman he married called to run it in my face that he had a child with her, and that his whole family knew about it. He was in the military. Whenever we came home on leave, She would stay at my ex-mother in laws because He knew I wouldn't go there. (ex-mil and I didn't get along, she didn't like me because I wasn't lily white like her son. I thought that kind of racism went out in the 60's) So when he went to visit his family, he would be there with his OW. Whenever I ran into any of them, they smiled in my face but they knew the truth. It seemed like everyone knew but me. Alot of our mutal friends knew about his escapades with mulitple women but no one would tell me.

 

They gave all the excuses "We didn't one to hurt you", "It was none of our business", "He told us he was unhappy and you were a witch at home that wouldn't have sex with him" (He rejected me so much I quit trying), "The damage was already done". I have said this before, it isn;t anyone elses responsibilty to make my husband stay faithful and not bring home diseases, but it would have saved me alot of time if someone had let me know what everyone else knew.

 

People in my family tried to make it sound like it was all the OW's fault. I came to understand that even though an OW does have some fault, it is the WS that is really to blame. It was the WS decision to cheat, and he should be ready for any reprecussion, such as someone telling the BS the truth.

[Guest]

People act as if you have a MOTIVE to tell her when in actuality you had a greater MOTIVE to NOT tell her and that was because you were helping him stay married. Most people do not look at it this way. They act as if OW just like creeping when we would rather come to your face that your man wants us and that you need to deal with it. But the MM has a MOTIVE to keep it secret and the OW goes against a woman's nature to run her mouth.

 

Most people have commented that you should take a long look in the mirror not realizing that you have to look at yourself everytime he leaves. You go to bed by yourself every night.

 

I agree with Lasan and that you should tell the OW and here's why.

 

You will find in this forum that when OW talk directly to the wives and tell them about the MM, they get attacked and all the moral stuff thrown in their face. This is because the wives usually want to stay with the man and although they LOVE the MM and want to work it out, they HATE the woman as if it was just all of her fault.

 

The wife of my MM found out and would call me. He would get on the speakerphone from his house and say "hello, it's me and I have my wife here...." I would hang up. Then I would get phone calls over the next few days and never answer them. I didn't want to tell the wife because he didn't want me to tell her. It was confusing because the only way that she found out that we screwed is when he told her!

 

So I would wait to hear from him what was going on and find out what he said and what she said. He had complete control and power to tell her whatever he wanted.

 

So one time, he came to me and told me that he wanted to sit both of us down and talk to both of us. He wanted to tell her in front of me that he didn't want me. I didn't like it when he called me on the speakerphone so why would I go through that? Especially when he was loving me up until the day she had him followed.

 

But she kept calling me and I finally answered and told him to shutup and I didn't want to talk to him. I said I wanted to talk to her alone. So she said he would be gone and invited me to her house. I go to the house and he is still there...I told her that he needed to leave....so he leaves and the entire time he acted like I was a stinking stranger and not the woman that he orally pleased just a few days before. So I started telling her what I wanted to tell her and he shows back up. They are standing together and that was the first time we had all been together and open to discussion. So I started grilling him in front of her. I said, "So you told her that you have been seeing me right?" He said "yes." I said, "did you tell her that she manipulated you into getting married by getting pregnant with your first child that you wounded up aborting?" I asked "did you tell her that you do not love her?" and he said "well I am working on trying to love her." I said, "did you tell her that she was evil when she slapped your face after having knee surgery 10 years ago becasue she was mad that your sister told her to take better care of you." He said "stop." and she turned around and looked at him. I said, "Did you tell her about Grace, and the Price Chopper lady, and the bleach blonde girl?" (he told me he had never told her about any of them.) This is when I realized how much he lied to me because he said "I told her about the blonde." And I said, "and you told me she knows about Grace because your oldest daughter caught you talking to her on the phone." And then I said, "and the Price Chopper lady?" And he DENIED HER!

 

So I pulled out some other facts and factoids about their relationship and marriage...like the time he told me that she threatened to poison her kids. And the time he told me that he hated her fake boobs. I only did this because she made a comment about the fact that I have bigger hips. I told her that was one of the reasons he likes me because I am not flat.

 

Now, I didn't go there to upset her. I went there because she kept calling me and so did he. I just wasn't going to allow him to CONTROL it and say he told her the truth without TELLING HER EVERYTHING! She needed to know about the problems he has with her. And instead of her thinking that their marital problems started with ME, I was not going to carry the burden of their stuff. So that's why I brought up over 15 years of hell which started after their 2nd child was born and he wised up and realized that she was taking his kindness for granted...this is all according to him...which by the way, I told her that,too.

 

See, when MM who cheat are allowed to "tell the truth," they tell just enough to either capture the OW's attention or to save the marriage. But he will not tell the wife all of the bad things that he resents about her.

 

So my suggestion is that if she calls and wants to talk...do it with both of them and be prepared for the fact that he lied about YOU and that he didn't tell her everything!