Lost n Found Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 This has got to be up there as far as the top bad circumstances for a relationship. I have been married for 5 years. She has been married for 3 months. We began falling in love the moment we met and have fallen deeply in love since. Although, we've only known each other for about 2 months (did meet 5 months ago briefly). We have tried to end things several times, but each time we've failed and ended up closer. I have a 4 year old child, she is 9 years younger than I, and as noted above she just got married. Then of course, we work together. So, the whole thing is the most mixed up thing I've ever known. Neigher of us wanted this, but we can't pull away from each other emotionally. Neither of us have felt so drawn to another person. Both of us feel like we belong together but know we do not. Everything is perfect, everything is a nightmare. There hasn't been any sex, but there very well could've been if not for the guilt. Neither of us are happy in our present relationship and have felt this way for some time. We both married for basically the same reasons - I'll just say, not the right ones. I'm not sure if this is a blessing or a curse. I know that most people would laugh at my circumstances and point in the away direction. I see the logic there. However, I have never felt so "right" in anything/anyone in my life than her and I feel like a better person when I'm with her. There have been strange signs too that I can't explain. Any words of wisdom out there?
Sup Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Tell your spouses, and let them leave you both, and let THEM get on with their lives, stop wasting their LIVES!
Jane Doe Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 First of all, you're in the very early stages of this. There's a lot of sexual attraction and infatuation going on. Are you 150% positive that she's worth leaving your wife and devastating your daughter over? Think long and hard about that. If you truly feel in your heart and soul she's worth it, then you need to end things and have this woman end things with her husband. But like I said, think about it. This is still very new. You really don't know her, even though you think you do.
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Tell your wife NOW that you've fallen inlove with another woman and want a divorce. THEN go pursue this married woman. Don't go fall inlove with someone else, see if it works then come back to your wife. If you don't love your wife LEAVE. It's very unfair and selfish of you to do this to her. She (your wife) deserves to be with a man who can live up to his vows, and who isn't going to cheat on her!
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Let me ask you this, and please think about it and be honest to yourself........... Before this other married woman came into your if, before you developed feelings for her, did you love your wife? Were things good at home? Were you happy? Was she meeting your needs and you hers?
NoIDidn't Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 What I don't understand is why you would be interested in her at all when she hasn't proven that she can be in a commited R for any length of time. Three months is a bit short for a M to be experiencing infidelity already. Its been a short period of time, I say forget her and focus on what ever it is you want to do about your M.
Lost n Found Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Let me ask you this, and please think about it and be honest to yourself........... Before this other married woman came into your if, before you developed feelings for her, did you love your wife? Were things good at home? Were you happy? Was she meeting your needs and you hers? Thanks for your input. I can't talk about this to anyone I know. Before...I though about separating with my wife and felt like I was willingly trapped. What I mean is that when my son was born I made a personal commitment to be there for him no matter what and in a way gave up everything for him. As far as my wife, my response to why I married her on my wedding day was that she was very reliable, that is all I could think of. I love how much of a good person she is, but I don't love her. I think this is because she makes me feel like less of a person than I am. I have talked with her about this but it seems hopeless. Before this other woman, I wanted a divorce, but I honestly guess I didn't care, didn't care about myself, didn't care as long as my son had the best. Now, out of the blue I care about myself and wonder if I can really be there for my son when I feel dead. That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but based on how I feel now, yeh. I wonder if a sin (divorce) is better than a lifetime of sin (lies). God hasn't answered me entirely other than I have never been so honest in my life as I have been lately and it feels good. I know that I have to do with my marriage what I have to do for me, and me alone, but this is increadably blurred now that she has entered into my life. When I confronted this other woman about our feelings I was honestly hoping she would hurt me, put me in my place. That has not happened though. She has fallen as hard as me.
Guest Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 What I don't understand is why you would be interested in her at all when she hasn't proven that she can be in a commited R for any length of time. Three months is a bit short for a M to be experiencing infidelity already. Its been a short period of time' date=' I say forget her and focus on what ever it is you want to do about your M.[/quote'] Very Good question/point. I feel what I never understood before...love. I "feel" blessed, but "think" I am cursed. That doesn't make sense does it. You ask an easy but difficust question to answer. She is torn about her feelings in lieu of her recent marriage and feelings for me. I see this very clearly. It is concerning, but no worse than my situation. Together, what a total mess. Of course, that hasn't deterred my feelings so far. I must be sick.
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Thanks for answering my questions. Look at it this way - Is it fair to your wife to stay married to her if you really aren't inlove with her? She deserves to be with someone who loves her fully, and not be married to someone out of obligation and staying for the child's sake. That isn't a way to live for either of you. In your case, it may be best to divorce, on good terms hopefully, and together share custody of your son. I'm sure it won't be easy, but it's better for your son to feel loved and feel secure in two separate homes. He is learning by you and your wife, how relationships and love should be. The problem is your relationship, what you feel for your wife isn't there, so that's not fair to him. You don't want him basing what he sees as a loving relationship when it's not true... Maybe consider some counselling to help you through this. And, definately be as honest and upfront with your wife too. Don't blame her, take responsibility for how you feel and make sure she understands she isn't at fault for your affair.
Guest Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Tell your wife NOW that you've fallen inlove with another woman and want a divorce. THEN go pursue this married woman. Don't go fall inlove with someone else, see if it works then come back to your wife. If you don't love your wife LEAVE. It's very unfair and selfish of you to do this to her. She (your wife) deserves to be with a man who can live up to his vows, and who isn't going to cheat on her! I generally think you give good advice. But, I can't relate though with the "don't go fall in love with someone else" nor can I understand "come back to my wife". If I leave i can't expect to come back to my wife nor can I expect to fall in love with someone else if I leave my wife. Your entirely correct that I'm being selfish and my wife deserves better. Your also right I'm fooling myself too if I say I'm not cheating, because I am.
littlekitty Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 In your case, it may be best to divorce, on good terms hopefully, and together share custody of your son. I'm sure it won't be easy, but it's better for your son to feel loved and feel secure in two separate homes. He is learning by you and your wife, how relationships and love should be. The problem is your relationship, what you feel for your wife isn't there, so that's not fair to him. You don't want him basing what he sees as a loving relationship when it's not true... This is so very true. Better that your son see a normal loving relationship for both of his parents than a false view of a unloving marriage. I think it's time to walk away from your marriage. The rest I guess is up to you and this OW.
Lost n Found Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Thanks for answering my questions. Look at it this way - Is it fair to your wife to stay married to her if you really aren't inlove with her? She deserves to be with someone who loves her fully, and not be married to someone out of obligation and staying for the child's sake. That isn't a way to live for either of you. In your case, it may be best to divorce, on good terms hopefully, and together share custody of your son. I'm sure it won't be easy, but it's better for your son to feel loved and feel secure in two separate homes. He is learning by you and your wife, how relationships and love should be. The problem is your relationship, what you feel for your wife isn't there, so that's not fair to him. You don't want him basing what he sees as a loving relationship when it's not true... Maybe consider some counselling to help you through this. And, definately be as honest and upfront with your wife too. Don't blame her, take responsibility for how you feel and make sure she understands she isn't at fault for your affair. I think you may be right; but, I'm still scared and I still feel like I've FAILED. Thankz.
Spinderella Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 I think you may be right; but, I'm still scared and I still feel like I've FAILED. Thankz. I think you will feel like you have failed either way, but, in one scenario everybody gets a chance of true fulfilment.
rina_r Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 We both married for basically the same reasons - I'll just say, not the right ones. it is time for both of you to end your marriages and stop making yourselves and your partners unhappy. You still can be a good father to your son, no matter married to your wife or not.
NoIDidn't Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Lost, I do not agree with the advice of the OWs here. It seems they only vote for the demise of the M, IMHO. You sound a lot like my H did a year ago, and I can say for a fact that he does NOT feel that way now. You need to find out, with a clear head, why this woman is so alluring to you now. The feelings you have right now will wear off, and I fear that you will throw away your self-respect for nothing in the end. If you indeed want to end your M, end it, but before taking up with this MW. Same for her. But she is a high risk. The reason I asked the first question was simply the fact that she has buyer's remorse immediately after marrying. What if she does the same to you. What exactly is SHE looking for ? (not that you can answer that) How would you feel if your W was in the same position unbeknownest to you? What if she villified your M to some OM and debated the future of your M with someone other than you (because it really is only between the two of you and no one else)? Would you be happy for her and wish her the best? Or would you feel hurt and betrayed? I really appreciate your open-mindedness in answering the questions you have already answered. I know in the emotional state that you are in, rational thinking is going to have a hard time getting through - but it seems like it is trying. You have made a major freudian slip with the "curse" business. Explore that some more. Why would you fear your "blessing" to also be a "curse"?
Guest Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Lost, How would you feel if your W was in the same position unbeknownest to you? What if she villified your M to some OM and debated the future of your M with someone other than you (because it really is only between the two of you and no one else)? Would you be happy for her and wish her the best? Or would you feel hurt and betrayed? I really appreciate your open-mindedness in answering the questions you have already answered. I know in the emotional state that you are in, rational thinking is going to have a hard time getting through - but it seems like it is trying. You have made a major freudian slip with the "curse" business. Explore that some more. Why would you fear your "blessing" to also be a "curse"? I guess I didn't explain one thing, my wife already knows about the OW. I told her. I also have talked with her bluntly lately about my feelings of our marriage. I have tried this in the past but have not quite been able to be fully honest. I guess the difference is the OW now. My W has never taken my concerns about our marriage seriously before, until now. I say that this could be a curse, well, because I feel that I was blindsided by this OW being thrown into my life and haven fallen in love without wanting to be, all while it all seems so impossible. At first, and some now, this angers me. At the same time, I've never believed in the saying all things happen for a reason, in fact, when people said this I just laughed inside to myself. But now, I don't know. I think there may be some reason why this OW and I were put together, but I just don't know exactly what that is. Was it to teach me us some lesson about honesty to ourselves; was it a gift of joy; or is it just chance. I guess that doesn't matter, but I can say that I think my life has completely and forever changed in the last 2 months. I feel stronger and weaker of a person. But most of all, I can't shake this feeling that I am so grateful for this OW, even though part of me is angered at myself for feeling this way. My head is spinning.
NoIDidn't Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 I used to think that affairs and those in them were one size fits all situations. But I have learned that that really is not the case. And I agree with the saying that all things happen for a reason. You should read the poem "Reason, Season, or Lifetime". That's not the title, but the main theme of it. Maybe the OW came into your life to give you and your W a jolt to decide what you want to do with your M, ie, mend it or end it. Maybe OW came into your life so that you could better articulate what has been missing in your M more honestly, like you said you have recently started doing. I don't know your sitch, so I can't say that it will work or it won't with the OW. But since you are already M, you kinda owe it to your W to work things out with her before you venture into something else. I am not saying to stay or to go. Just to really remove the emotional screen and think of all the possible outcomes. You sound really conflicted about the whole thing. Its good that your W knows about the OW, so she can start thinking about her options as well. You guys have a lot to contend with. I wish you luck.
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