Madaline Posted November 21, 2006 Posted November 21, 2006 Well A lot of what James said I will agree with and I do feel that you both need to be in counseling. Her probably more though. There are issues that can be solved but they need to be dealt with now before they get worse or before the marriage ends. There is only so much a person can take before they've had enough and want to move on. It is possible that something did trigger the depression but since you've only been married for 7 months, I don't know. It may not have ever gone away and your just noticing it more. I don't think that she is cheating but are you sure there is no contact? I will say this if she does want to do the whole bus thing, DO NOT let her go alone because you don't know if she is planning something and just putting up a front. Just a FYI there.
Author imconfused Posted November 23, 2006 Author Posted November 23, 2006 Well A lot of what James said I will agree with and I do feel that you both need to be in counseling. Her probably more though. There are issues that can be solved but they need to be dealt with now before they get worse or before the marriage ends. There is only so much a person can take before they've had enough and want to move on. I agree... I've been there at the 'wits end of it' some days. It is possible that something did trigger the depression but since you've only been married for 7 months, I don't know. It may not have ever gone away and your just noticing it more. I'm thinking its always been there... I don't think that she is cheating but are you sure there is no contact? I have access to e-mail, the telephone bill, etc (they're both in my name anyway) so there is nothing going on here at home. She has a calling card, so if anything is going on, it is happening outside the home during her runs. I will say this if she does want to do the whole bus thing, DO NOT let her go alone because you don't know if she is planning something and just putting up a front. Just a FYI there. I could wake up one morning and find her gone. She swears up and down that she wasn't planning a trip of any kind, but all of it just seemed too convenient. If I hadn't stumbled across those online coach websites, I don't think she'd ever would have told me. You suggest going with her if she ever decides to take that trip, but in all honesty -- I doubt she'd wait around for me to 'take off'.
Sand&Water Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 RE: The marriage is intensely cluttered with issues, past histories, and personal choices that it seems like an unsolvable jig-saw puzzle. And, the above statement was not meant to deflate your marriage -but rather to indicate that it is intertwined -consequently, it will take a long time to comprehend and treat everything. Absolutely overwhelming, to say the least. Thus, I suggest you stock up on ammunition. You need to build strength, for the sake of your wife. Resist the urge to conform to her depressed state. You must, change your way of conduct. She wants to see a different side of you -one that creates a supporting foundation for the marriage. I believe you, and her should continue to seek professional counseling. I, also, believe your wife is deeply and sadly submerged in her own thoughts to realize the effects on you. She is lost, and trying to understand her own actions/desires. She doesn't want to do something stupid, that she may regret later on in life. Hence, losing you in the process may be too painful to endure. She knows there is no easy solution/middle ground in the marriage. One of you, or both of you will have to sacrifice. Do try to do the following: (a) Let her do the bus trip/thingy. Let her go discover whats "out there". Let her inner spirit spill out to the world. (b) Change the atmosphere. Slowly, and maturely re-arrange the furniture, blankets, clothes, paintings, and kitchen. © Don't check - or recheck -anything that belongs to her. Give her the freedom. (d) Introduce tricky, simple, creative and clever ideas/topic to discuss with her. Point out something, -so very minuscule -that no one would have taken note. (e) Go out have fun yourself. But, bring back something for her. Be sympathetic. I, honestly, don't know what else to say. This is the way I view the field. I hope you and your wife get through this turmoil. Do post an update, sometime. Regards, Sand&Water
Sand&Water Posted November 23, 2006 Posted November 23, 2006 RE: The following, two paragraphs, below show a peak into the marriage foundation [-from her point of reference]. Precisely, the reason why she is stuck into a downward vicious cycle of self-hatred, numbness, and (almost) complete resistance. This statement goes hand-in-hand . . . if she isn't willing to accept what she did as wrong (i.e. cheating)-- and since she isn't very receptive to to the idea of seeking help -- then for all intent and purposes, my marriage is (possibly) doomed. With this statement . . . Every time we talk (even about the tickets) I keep hearing the same old thing, “I would never cheat on you... trust me.... I'm not planning a trip..... it's only you I love... I know you're my soul mate." Allow me to elaborate. The fact that she is not very receptive to obtaining help, speaks volumes. Woman, like her, -and I am not intentionally trying to generalize but bare with me here -have already become comfortable with their internal dialogue at this point in life. The events, she had experienced with respect to the ex, family, friends, and college years has already thickened and formed like stone within her thought processes. She doesn't acknowledge she needs help, because she believes everything that has happened so far, and the things people have said to her are true. She acts in ways that satisfies her inner need to prove that she is hopeless, lost, depressed, and angry at everything -even though she knows it is wrong to do this to people she loves, she agrees that it is now a part of her and it is not hurting anyone but herself. As a result, she automatically provides you with the sugar coated statement "I would never cheat on you... trust me.... I'm not planning a trip..... it's only you I love... I know you're my soul mate" because she has a hard time facing the truth about the marriage, and her past. You should start out by inflicting reality upon the situation. Present her with freedom, be as sincere as possible. Don't object. Then observe the next period, and her actions. All this in the span of a few weeks. Soon after [within weeks], sit down with her and ask: Are you happy in this marriage? Then lay out everything. Every truth to your fibre. Give her an ultimatum. Let her know, the marriage is on the brink of destruction and you aren't happy. It is up to you, to save part of the marriage. By doing something, this shows you care. Take action! I hope this helps. IF I'm totally off base, and talking junk please let me know (and might as well disregard everything). Regards, Sand&Water
Author imconfused Posted November 25, 2006 Author Posted November 25, 2006 Sand& Water, I appreciate the responses you made concerning my situation. My head is still spinning from all of this; I took your advice and thrusted reality at her, but she refuses to accept the freedoms I gave her. Thing is, I have never stopped her from doing things anyway. "It feels too strange to do things without you... it doesn't feel right." It's a mind job I know! I keep praying that something comes to light so this can be all fixed. She isn't acting this way for nothing! Whatever... I'm at my wits end with all this.
pinenuts Posted November 28, 2006 Posted November 28, 2006 it is absolutely DRAINING! For you and everyone else trying to follow all those lon..on....ong posts. I once wrote that your wife sounds just like Madame Bovary, the poor woman, her decisons and actions were impaired by her psychological problems where she could not separate the ideal world and the real world that she lived, reality versus illusion. I think it's also very important for you to illustrate yourself for us as some mentioned can't pinpoint what's really going just go by your posts, what do you do for a living? have you been married before? is there an age gap between you two? are you a relatively happy individual? are you taking any actions about financial difficulties? is she/you under a lot of debt? You know a large part of what makes a marriage wholesome is how well they live monetarily(not saying other criterial aren't important). And another vital sign, not a very sturdy foundation for the marriage to grow on(refering to rushing into it). hope things will turn around soon, best wishes.
Author imconfused Posted November 29, 2006 Author Posted November 29, 2006 it is absolutely DRAINING! For you and everyone else trying to follow all those lon..on....ong posts. I once wrote that your wife sounds just like Madame Bovary, the poor woman, her decisons and actions were impaired by her psychological problems where she could not separate the ideal world and the real world that she lived, reality versus illusion. I think it's also very important for you to illustrate yourself for us as some mentioned can't pinpoint what's really going just go by your posts, what do you do for a living? have you been married before? is there an age gap between you two? are you a relatively happy individual? are you taking any actions about financial difficulties? is she/you under a lot of debt? You know a large part of what makes a marriage wholesome is how well they live monetarily(not saying other criterial aren't important). And another vital sign, not a very sturdy foundation for the marriage to grow on(refering to rushing into it). hope things will turn around soon, best wishes. I guess I was looking for more 'general' advice / suggestions on what to do instead of having everyone disect the problem and 'solve' it for me. We're a year apart, I've never been married before, I'm a computer tech / web designer, and the financial situation is improving (it's been improving over the month of November). I am open to 'possible' impressions and general advice on what to do, but no one here -- and I am not looking for this -- is expected to 'solve' these issues for me. I stumbled across this board and figured there would be people here with a little bit more experience in marriage that could offer some helpful advice / suggestions.
Author imconfused Posted December 12, 2006 Author Posted December 12, 2006 UPDATE I took the advice from the people on this board, and the truth finally came out. My wife told me that while having sex with me, she’s had 'quick' thoughts of having sex with other men (mostly ex boyfriends). According to her, she loves me, knows we're soul mates, and would never act on those thoughts. I think its all bull****. She blames these thoughts on her depression (she calls them rimitive thoughts) and used to be on Paxal to control these 'random' thoughts. To make matters worse, she has wondered what life would have been like if she had lasted with one of her previous Ex’s. She has also wondered if that Ex would have treated her as well as I have. Whatever.... I'm tired of her games and lies. Do you know what it's like to have someone tell you that it's all in your head', just to have that same person -- 3 months later -- tell you, "Well, there was something wrong; you were right and this is what it is." Whatever.... she's a waste of my time.
Guest Posted December 20, 2006 Posted December 20, 2006 What are you saying? Now that your wife is finally admitting that she has been covering up the fact the she is not happy, you decide that's it!?! Have you ever considered that she feels like a failure for not being happy, since the wedding was, in her mind, going to make everything all better? Her attempts at more adventurous sex may have been an attempt to try to get closer to you. Maybe... A death of someone close to you, or in my case an ex-lover, can bring up all kinds of regret, which leads to the what-if thoughts. Compound this with depression and sprinkle in your suspictions, your marriage is probably in more danger from suicide than an affair. Your insecurities play into this also, as you take her actions personally. It is NOT about you. The fact that you are in this forum trying to confirm your "evidence". SHE NEEDS YOUR SUPPORT - don't dump her because she's depressed.
Author imconfused Posted December 30, 2006 Author Posted December 30, 2006 What are you saying? Now that your wife is finally admitting that she has been covering up the fact the she is not happy, you decide that's it!?! Have you ever considered that she feels like a failure for not being happy, since the wedding was, in her mind, going to make everything all better? Her attempts at more adventurous sex may have been an attempt to try to get closer to you. Maybe... A death of someone close to you, or in my case an ex-lover, can bring up all kinds of regret, which leads to the what-if thoughts. Compound this with depression and sprinkle in your suspictions, your marriage is probably in more danger from suicide than an affair. Your insecurities play into this also, as you take her actions personally. It is NOT about you. The fact that you are in this forum trying to confirm your "evidence". SHE NEEDS YOUR SUPPORT - don't dump her because she's depressed. She's lied to me since day one; the only insecurity I have is whether staying with her will ruin my life or not, and I have every right to be concerned. I don't want to have a family with someone who has systematically proven - time and time again -- that her word cannot be trusted. What do you mean 'that's it'? Have you even read the thread? I have expressed my concerns, and she continued to make stories to cover things up -- right down to how 'happy' she claimed to be, which I knew was absolute bs. I wanted to wait on marriage so things could be worked out, and she didn't want to hear it -- so it's not my problem if marrying me didn't fix her 'issues'. Sorry, but I have a problem with being someone's emotional guinea pig. I have given her MANY chances to come clean, many chances to 'break it off' so we could work things out, so excuse me if I am tired of the rollercoaster ride she has me on. She's not happy? Don't make me laugh! I'm not either, but unlike her -- I have enough integrity to tell her. It's NOT about me? I keep forgetting it's ALL bout her, leaving out the emotional torture this woman has put me through, from the EX all the way to present day. Besides, it's about 'us', not me, and I will certainly not make it about her. She had her chance to make it about 'her' but she played the Ace card instead; well, now it's my turn... BTW: Dumping her over depression? It's about her being a liar and untrustworthy, which -- the last time I checked -- has NOTHING to do with depression.
IpAncA Posted December 30, 2006 Posted December 30, 2006 So have you decided to end the marriage or are you and her going to try and work it out. Just wondering what you decided to do.
Author imconfused Posted April 1, 2007 Author Posted April 1, 2007 Hello Everyone, First, please allow me to thank everyone here for caring enough to help me. The advice and suggestions given really did help to aid me during the troubling times that plagued me. I am notorious for long posts, so I promise to keep this as short as possible. We had quite the 'blow out' after Christmas of 2006. To keep it short, my wife called local counseling groups to help with her mental issues and feelings she expressed to me when I first made the posts. Fact remains, she has yet to make an effort to see any of the people she called. She also promised to tell me the truth no matter what, but on asking her -- I couldn't get any specifies on what truth she was keeping from me. Fast-forward to Jan / Feb of this year... my wife started to mention this guy (his name is Bob) quite a bit during our conversations. I'm talking randomly: we could be having an intimate conversation and suddenly Bob would enter our conversation, and she'd explain how 'funny' some situation this guy had while driving his school bus. She kept claiming that they hardly ever talked, yet she knew too much about his days. This went on for weeks until I finally had enough. I noticed on days when she seemed happy with her job were days when she had contact with this guy during her bus runs. She claims the guy is 'gay' and dating some tech at the bus yard, but she was talking too much about his for my own comfort. I finally broke down and told her how I felt about her constantly talking about this guy. I was gentle and not abrasive, and I told her that I wanted to meet 'Bob'. She gave me some kind of excuse at first... something to the effect that he never comes to base, and that she hardly ever sees him at base... but she finally gave in when I pressed the issue, and she said she'd introduce me once he was around base. This never happened of course... I wanted to mee this guy because he was all I was hearing about. Hey, it would have been acceptable if she came home and talked about Bob or whoever, but all the time -- especially during intimate conversations involing us and our relationship? I wasn't having it... I pick my wife up at work and have never seen this guy, but I know he works there based on talking to people. Suddenly, Bob disappeared from our conversations and he no longer existed.... Just recently, she claimed she had to 'switch' buses with him because his needed to be serviced at her place of employment. This happens all the time, so no biggie -- but she made it a point to say that when they traded buses, he tried to talk to her, but she refused and went on her way. In either case, just stating that after everything, a name and a face was added to everything. If anything (especially based on your posts) something was going on, and I believe this ' Bob' character was a part of it somehow. I also believe there might have been an emotional affair going on or some kind of infatuation, but there is no way of proving it completely. Her actions, her constant talking about this 'Bob', and what we've been through connects, though... makes perfect sense. Could this have been my wife's way of crying for help? Who knows.... we're still together -- and even though some things have improved -- this entire 'Bob' thing made it rocky in areas. We need counseling... period.... too bad she wanted me to go alone the first few times and I refused; I wanted us both to go together.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 I don't usually attend on-line forums for advice (especially concerning relationships), but I am feeling really lousy as of late. It's involving my wife; lately something doesn't feel right in my gut. I can't place my finger on it, but when she goes to work -- I feel this strange, something isn't quite right anxiety feeling. She'll come home and seem fine some days, and others she just doesn't seem like herself. She acts jittery, her eyes will have that 'glare' (no mad, it's hard to describe), and she seems to always distract the conversation when I bring it up. She'll go on about how much she loves me, etc.I told her once how I felt, and I said it felt like something was 'going on' with her, but she continued to explain that everything was fine. We seem to be fighting a lot lately over trivial things (mostly over how she acts, but her answers never seem to 'settle' the feeling inside me). I wouldn't jump to conclusions....but usually when things don't seem right, they aren't...and I'm not sure, but I think statistics will show that affairs are more than likely spawned from work relationships. Like I said...don't jump to conclusions...but if she is giving you doubts, you may try looking at things like emails...chat....does she spend alot of time on the computer? If so...I'd start looking there.
Author imconfused Posted April 2, 2007 Author Posted April 2, 2007 I wouldn't jump to conclusions....but usually when things don't seem right, they aren't...and I'm not sure, but I think statistics will show that affairs are more than likely spawned from work relationships. Like I said...don't jump to conclusions...but if she is giving you doubts, you may try looking at things like emails...chat....does she spend alot of time on the computer? If so...I'd start looking there. Thank you! I've done that and didn't find much.... like I have already stated, I believe now that if something was / is going on it's happening at her job.
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