My head is spinning... some ?

[Wantingtogetitright]

there are still very valid reasons here as to why "nothing" is going on. I know that if I get a bit unhappy, not necessarily with my man but just life in general, the routine of work, home, work, weekend etc etc, the first thign I do is start lookign around at a trip away to break the routine. Just a weekend up at a cabin or even a longer term plan for a trip overseas. Just gives me something to look forward to. This could be all it is.

 

Communication is the only key here. There is no point in askign if everyhting is ok when allshe responds with is i'm fine or it's ok etc. You need to tell her you have noticed some significant changes and feel her more and more at distance.

 

Plus another thing that I know for sure and have read about many many times is if a woman is wanting to end a realtionship be it a marriage or whatever type will doher griebing beforehand.

 

Maybe she does feel disconnected and is trying to get that back though the increased sexual activity.

 

You have to talk to her. You have to explain that a non commital everything's fine just isn't working. Give her examples etc etc.

 

BUT

 

Do not accuse her, do not attack her, say that you want a talk and that it has to be open and honest. One person must say what they want to say with no interuptions. She has to agree to listen to you tell her how you have been feeling and then you have to listen to her explanations for that and then discuss together. If either starts to get agitated or raises a voice or loses interest in the conversation with ok whatever that's not the case but if you say so etc. Stop the conversation and say we will come back to this at another time.

 

Don't ask questions, she will feel backed into a corner. Don't say why this or what did that mean etc. Simply point out things she may have said or done and how ta made you feel etc.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Before, you -Imconfused, jump to any conclusions of infidelity you must be emotionally strong for her sake.

 

Don't attempt to hire an infidelity investigator. Don't lightly stalk her around the city, in an excuse to get to the bottom of her distress.

 

You should be the man of the house. Hold your chin up high, and emotions in check.

 

You should sit down with her, one-on-one, to discuss the change in her personality. Inform her of your concern, depression, and that you are willing to listen to her with 100% attention.

 

I believe she is not being disloyal -i.e. another man in the picture.

 

Question: Do you know her medical history? and Is she nearing menopause?

 

It seems, she is experiencing a hormonal imbalance along with depression. It is most likely she doesn't feel happy in her, current, life. She wants a different environment, spouse, grounds, job, and lifestyle.

 

It is not uncommon, to hear, of such incidents.

 

I recommend you invite her for professional counseling.

 

You must enable her to open up to you. Not forcefully, but one way or another.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

[JamesM]

I am still not ready to jump on the cheatin' bandwagon.

 

Based on how you put things, there is the possibility, but I have learned too many times in life that my interpretation....based on my experiences...can be slightly different than the actual reality. What we are being told may be one person's interpretation but not the complete story. (This is nothing against you, OP).

 

I am with Sand and Water....there may be something else going on here. The key to it is open communication. If that is not possible, then maybe counseling will open the floodgates.

 

But, if you still wonder and are getting no answers, then maybe it would be worth investigating...if for nothing more than to put your mind at ease.

[imconfused]

I would like to thank everyone who has posted so far. We had a decent weekend overall, and during the weekend I sat her down so I could 'try' to find the bottom of this.

 

To answer some of the questions already asked: she does have clinical depression, and she has been on medicine for quite some time (long before I came into the picture in fact). She was also in heavy counseling before she met me, and at one point her father wanted her to 'admit' herself. I hate to discuss such personal details of her life on the board (it feels like I am betraying her), but she fell into this clinical depression after her Mom died back in early 2000. Apparently her mother was always critical of her; her oldest sister always stole her mother's attention, and this made my wife feel left out. My wife -- when she was much younger -- used to confide in her mother about womanly things (like a daughter and mother should). According to my wife, these 'private' conversations would become table talk for the neighbors because her mother had a tendency to 'tell the neighbors' everything, regardless of what it was.

 

My wife also feels that she couldn't live up to her mother's expectations. Even as a child, if my wife worked hard at a school subject and received an A-, her mother would ask why she didn't get an 'A+'.

 

I guess her mother was that type of person.

 

What does my wife do when the kids she buses are in school? She comes home and rests....

 

I know some people are suggesting that I follow her, but that feels dirty and sneaky. Secondly, she knows my car, and we don't have the money for a rental (and honestly, I don't want to take it that far), so the risk of being caught is extremely high. I have friends / family that have vehicles, but they have better things to do I am sure, and besides -- she knows what they drive anyway (being family and all; we do visit them so she does see their cars at their houses).

 

 

Now on to the conversation we had... first, thank you for the advice. When my wife and I spoke yesterday, I didn't ask any questions and I kept my emotions of concern in check. According to my wife, she is happy with me as her friend, lover, and spouse -- she is happier than she has ever been (to quote her). She wants the financial situation to improve, and I know it will, but she needs to be more patient. When I worry about money, my wife is usually the first one to say, "Don't worry, things will improve."

 

Now, my wife claims that her financial situation has always been tight (even before I came along), so why is she so concerned now? Maybe what the other member wrote in this thread is true: when she married me, she expected 'certain' things (i.e. better finances afterwards), and it didn't happen. She knew what she was getting into when she married me, so it's not like I pretended to be something I wasn't. Money is important, but love takes priority in my book.... I've seen people in love that had less than we do, and they were still able to manage together.

 

According to my wife, we could be living in a cardboard box together and she would still be happy with us, as she put it. Strange...

 

Our financial situation may be tight, but we used to 'go out' for the day even if we couldn't buy anything. Now I'm lucky if I can talk her into going down the street. I have been after her to 'go 'out' -- even if for just a short ride -- so we can get 'away' for a short while, but she won't -- all she talks about is the 'money' situation and how we can’t afford to burn up too much gas. This never stopped her when we were engaged back when, so what is so different today? (She talks about taking walks together, but something always seems to come up.)

 

I am making an effort to do things with her, but she isn't 'biting'. I understand her concern (hey, we're both concerned about the bills), but again -- I must stress -- that this never stopped us (and her) from going out for a quiet drive before we got married. Sure, we go out together to run errands, shop, etc., -- but it’s not the same. Just last week we went Christmas shopping together, and that was the first time (in a long time) that we didn't run an errand or pay bills.

 

 

I don't get it....

 

Now about the 'glazed stare' issue where it feels like she is ignoring me: it was brought up during our conversation. According to my wife she is vegetating -- she isn’t thinking about anything when it happens. I find her explanation plausible, so I won't take that any further. However, she did mention that her depression has been flaring up. She has 'issues' during certain times of the year (her mother isn't around for the Holidays and I can understand her upset), so I know she misses her mother. I can usually sense when her depression is flaring up, but recently I haven't seen any real signs of it. She claims otherwise, so maybe she is developing new 'signs' that may require medical attention of some kind.

 

After getting her to open more -- and after reading the responses by the good people here-- I don’t believe she is seeing anyone, but I do believe she is exhibiting signs of a potential problem happening later, down the road. Counseling may be the only way to make things better, so we'll see what happens.

 

 

There is one thing I'd like to add before signing off for the morning: before marrying my wife, we saw her family's Minister for Marriage counseling. Counseling went well overall, but he made my wife feel like 2 cents. He basically told her that she wasn’t ready for marriage. This is where things take a real twist: he called me a week before our wedding to have a private 'meeting', just the two of us.

 

It was the strangest meeting ever.... he told me that my wife 'needed' to find herself, and he said not to be surprised if she went her own way later. He also said, 'This is a worst case scenario, but she may leave you at one point to find herself, but remember to love her no matter what'.

 

He also said, “If you touch each other too much or have sex too often things get old, do you know what I mean? People like her grow tried of sex and things like that very quickly, and then they start to look elsewhere."

 

Now, when my wife saw her Ex behind my back, we had a counseling session with the very same family minister, so I'm not sure if his last comment about my wife 'growing' tired of things was based on our old counseling session from eons ago, or if he knows something he isn't telling me. This Family Minister (the one we saw those times for counseling) is in his late 60's, so I'm not sure what to think. I get the impression that he knows something and he isn't telling me; or -- at the very least -- it sounds like someone on my wife's side of the family may have said something to the Minister about some past event (maybe before I came along), and that is where his impressions came from during our 'private' meeting.

 

My wife swears that she's never talked to the Minister about her 'past', so this entire situation has me in one, very awkward position. How can the Minister talk with such certainty about my wife, if my wife hasn't spoken to him? Something isn’t right, and I believe that this ties into the behavior I am seeing today.

 

Any psychologists on this board? What is your impression on what the hell is going on in my life?

[JamesM]

I am not a psychologist. And I don't think a psychologist or anyone will know what is going on in your head.

 

Having said that, let me give you my thoughts for whatever they are worth.

 

My wife swears that she's never talked to the Minister about her 'past', so this entire situation has me in one, very awkward position. How can the Minister talk with such certainty about my wife, if my wife hasn't spoken to him? Something isn’t right, and I believe that this ties into the behavior I am seeing today.

 

I cannot believe that this minister is telling you any of this. He is making quite a few assumptions (besides breaking someone's confidences)...including that she will always be the same, she will get sick of you, and she cannot be committed. On the other hand, he must feel that he has something that he should warn you about, because I have a hard time believeing that he would pull this out of thin air. If he truly felt that this may be true, he should have talked with her and refused to marry the two of you...if he felt that he had reason to believe that it wouldn't have worked. But for him to tell you that your marriage may fail because of your wife...withouty giving you reasons for him saying that...is not only wrong, it is demeaning to your wife and you.

 

How did he hear of it? There would be many ways IF this was really something to be concerned about. And it may be. He could have heard it from the person she "cheated" with, a family member of hers, a friend of the family, or simply the rumor mill in the church.

 

The real issue comes down to one thing...do you trust your wife? Do you believe that she has been completely truthful about her past? If you have doubts about this, then you should either work on verifying what she has said (talk with the minister, family members, church community, ex husband, etc.), or work on building trust in your relationship.

 

 

Now, when my wife saw her Ex behind my back, we had a counseling session with the very same family minister, so I'm not sure if his last comment about my wife 'growing' tired of things was based on our old counseling session from eons ago, or if he knows something he isn't telling me.

 

It is possible that it is from a previous counseling session or it may be that he saw her and her ex in the past for counseling. There are many scenarios.

 

I have to check back if or what you said about her seeing the ex in the past behind your back. Was this before marriage? How long ago? What was her behavior like then? Is this why you are extra cautious now?

 

However, she did mention that her depression has been flaring up.

 

What does my wife do when the kids she buses are in school? She comes home and rests

 

Possible connection?

[imconfused]

I am not a psychologist. And I don't think a psychologist or anyone will know what is going on in your head.

 

Having said that, let me give you my thoughts for whatever they are worth.

 

Sure, thank you....

 

 

 

I cannot believe that this minister is telling you any of this. He is making quite a few assumptions (besides breaking someone's confidences)...including that she will always be the same, she will get sick of you, and she cannot be committed. On the other hand, he must feel that he has something that he should warn you about, because I have a hard time believeing that he would pull this out of thin air. If he truly felt that this may be true, he should have talked with her and refused to marry the two of you...if he felt that he had reason to believe that it wouldn't have worked. But for him to tell you that your marriage may fail because of your wife...withouty giving you reasons for him saying that...is not only wrong, it is demeaning to your wife and you.

I had a hard time believing it and I was the one there talking to him! Absolutely! I left the meeting feeling very upset that he would say those things about my (at the time) fiancée. We haven't seen him since that meeting. He also tried to 'talk' me out of marrying her, but he went ahead with the wedding anyway (which puzzled me beyond no end).

 

 

 

How did he hear of it? There would be many ways IF this was really something to be concerned about. And it may be. He could have heard it from the person she "cheated" with, a family member of hers, a friend of the family, or simply the rumor mill in the church.

I have spoken to her family about the incident with her Ex (after it happened), and they had no prior knoweldge of it so they claimed. Who knows if I can believe them or not. It feels like everyone is clued in but me if that makes any sense, and I am married to this woman!

 

 

 

The real issue comes down to one thing...do you trust your wife? Do you believe that she has been completely truthful about her past? If you have doubts about this, then you should either work on verifying what she has said (talk with the minister, family members, church community, ex husband, etc.), or work on building trust in your relationship.

I trust my wife but I don't walk around oblivious to things. I don't believe she has been truthful about her past. This ex was an ex-boyfriend, not an ex-husband. I found out she saw him 2 times, 7 months before we got married. I caught on the month it happened when he called looking for her, but that is a different story entirely.

 

 

It is possible that it is from a previous counseling session or it may be that he saw her and her ex in the past for counseling. There are many scenarios.

According to my wife, she used to date this guy on and off, and he's never met the minister or her family. Do realize that I am basing this off what my wife has told me in the past.

 

I have to check back if or what you said about her seeing the ex in the past behind your back. Was this before marriage? How long ago? What was her behavior like then? Is this why you are extra cautious now?

It happened before our marriage (we were engaged) and it was about 7 months before the wedding. Her beavhiour? She used to act like an airhead (i.e. spacey -- even she acknowledges this), but these days she seems more level-headed. I dunno'... I don't think about the ex incident very often, so it could be?

 

 

 

 

 

Possible connection?

Please elaborate! Being depressed and coming home between runs... wait, are you suggesting?

 

I discovered that the minister who counseled us is retiring next month; I'm going to give him a call and find out what he knows. I deserve to know, especially after everything I've been through. I tried to get him to elaborate before, but he wouldn't... I'm going to get to the bottom of this somehow.

[imconfused]

I just left a message on his voicemail at the Church; let's see if he even returns my call.

[JamesM]

Please elaborate! Being depressed and coming home between runs... wait, are you suggesting

 

I am simply suggesting...and should have said...that due to her depression, she really IS coming home to sleep. Depressed people like to excape the world and their depression by sleeping or some other escape. She would come home to the welcome quiet of her house after the noisy drive with children.

 

Personally, I would think that if she were cheating, she would not feel as depressed, because she would feel excited about meeting this wonderful guy ...no offense to you.

 

It happened before our marriage (we were engaged) and it was about 7 months before the wedding. Her behaviour? She used to act like an airhead

 

The assumption that she would do so while married is not far off. But if you said her behavior while seeing him then was different than it is now, you may have nothing to worry about. But I am not an expert in this area. From what I read, usually a cheating spouse acts different, but he or she doesn't act depressed as much as acts like there is a new thing going on in life. She would be dressing up more, wearing different perfumes and types of clothes, and going out alone more. Yes, she could be meeting a man at home during the day, but you must see some sort of indication that she was home during the day. And to get down in detail, if she is sleeping in your house with another man, I am guessing that there would be signs...smells in the bedroom or bathroom of a man, extra dishes in the sink, a chair pushed back, dirt on the floors, etc. But again, I have not been through this myself.

 

I am still leaning towards the not cheating side, but if I was you, I would try to verify this one way or another for your own peace of mind.

[JamesM]

As I reread your posts, I am wondering if his feelings that she will cheat come from her life prior to you.

 

If she cheated on you with the ex bf, then she may have cheated on him as well. If your wife has been in alot of counseling, then was it only for depression?

 

If I was you, I would first delve into the issues that brought her to counseling. You say it was depression, but what other issues did she have? Was there anything besides her mother that caused her problems? No sexual abuse? If there was sex abuse, this may be why the minister was cautioning you. Many sex abuse people go on to lives of promiscuity IF they have not dealt with it fully. And if she cheated on you during your engagement period, then one does wonder why. And then at that time the minister certainly had some legitimate concerns. Whether he should have passed them on to you is a different story.

 

Perhaps she had drug problems or other "delinquent" issues while a teenager. Did she run away from home? Was she a troublesome teen? Yes, I am really reaching...but you would be surprised what can be behind some things that we experience as adults.

 

I am thinking that your answers may lie in her past prior to you. This does not mean that she is cheating now, but it may explain why the minister felt he had to say what he said.

[Madaline]

Ok I've been following this and I do have psychology expereince and to tell you the truth it's hard to say what's entirly going on unless I or someone else were to speak to her. It's hard for me to go by your posts somewhat.

 

The things that I would to rule out first is the cheating, depression, or anything else that might raise issues like the whole money thing. Also if she says that things are fine, then my intrerest would be then why are her moods and behavior not matching with what she is saying. Either things are ok or she is just saying that so she doesn't have to talk about it.

 

If she is coming home and then going to sleep or resting, then something is draining her emotionally or physically. That is a long time to just be siting around. Ger her up and you both do something.

 

I don't know. You could try counseling and see if she anything will resolve from that or you could just play it out and see what happends. I don't know her full past history so I can't say if her past is resurfacing or not.

 

Also that whole thing with the minister is just odd to me. I don't know what to think on that. There was something that the minister seen in your wife that he didn't like. Thats the only thing that I can think of. That situation is just strange to me, especially since he was talking about the whole touching to much. WTF is that about? Try someone else.

[imconfused]

I am simply suggesting...and should have said...that due to her depression, she really IS coming home to sleep. Depressed people like to excape the world and their depression by sleeping or some other escape. She would come home to the welcome quiet of her house after the noisy drive with children.

 

Personally, I would think that if she were cheating, she would not feel as depressed, because she would feel excited about meeting this wonderful guy ...no offense to you.

 

 

 

The assumption that she would do so while married is not far off. But if you said her behavior while seeing him then was different than it is now, you may have nothing to worry about. But I am not an expert in this area. From what I read, usually a cheating spouse acts different, but he or she doesn't act depressed as much as acts like there is a new thing going on in life. She would be dressing up more, wearing different perfumes and types of clothes, and going out alone more. Yes, she could be meeting a man at home during the day, but you must see some sort of indication that she was home during the day. And to get down in detail, if she is sleeping in your house with another man, I am guessing that there would be signs...smells in the bedroom or bathroom of a man, extra dishes in the sink, a chair pushed back, dirt on the floors, etc. But again, I have not been through this myself.

 

I am still leaning towards the not cheating side, but if I was you, I would try to verify this one way or another for your own peace of mind.

 

I really appreciate your comments, James.... I have always had the impression that if something was wrong, it would be happening outside the house. I'm a webmaster / web designer by trade, so I work inside the home in my personalized working space. When she saw her ex, I used to work outisde the home (and I had a different job), so that is my coliation. Wait... something just clicked in my head while writing this message. When I worked outside the home, she seemed spacey but not nearly as depressed. When I was hired to work on websites (which is one of my many trades) her depression increased, and it has been on-going since my job started. I think I might 'get' it, but I hope my assumptions are wrong. I'm always home, so any deviation from her regular routine would not go unnoticed, and that could be why she's been acting this way.

 

Just for the record: when I found out about her ex, she claimed nothing sexual happened between them. She claimed he was harrassing her, so she eventaully called the police on him.... if you can believe it. When this ex thing happened 7 months ago, I was given the day off (and she didn't know about it) so I went home to rest. When her ex called the house looking for her that day, it was around the time I was suppose to be working (which was 2 hrs before she was suppose to come home, and it would have been 5 hours before I came home, if I hadn't been given the day off that is).

[imconfused]

Ok I've been following this and I do have psychology expereince and to tell you the truth it's hard to say what's entirly going on unless I or someone else were to speak to her. It's hard for me to go by your posts somewhat.

 

The things that I would to rule out first is the cheating, depression, or anything else that might raise issues like the whole money thing. Also if she says that things are fine, then my intrerest would be then why are her moods and behavior not matching with what she is saying. Either things are ok or she is just saying that so she doesn't have to talk about it.

 

If she is coming home and then going to sleep or resting, then something is draining her emotionally or physically. That is a long time to just be siting around. Ger her up and you both do something.

 

I don't know. You could try counseling and see if she anything will resolve from that or you could just play it out and see what happends. I don't know her full past history so I can't say if her past is resurfacing or not.

 

Also that whole thing with the minister is just odd to me. I don't know what to think on that. There was something that the minister seen in your wife that he didn't like. Thats the only thing that I can think of. That situation is just strange to me, especially since he was talking about the whole touching to much. WTF is that about? Try someone else.

 

Thank you for responding, Madaline.

 

I'm married to her and even I don't know what her entire past. She claims her mother's death was responsible for her depression, but I am starting to wonder myself now.

 

We've had discussions about her past, and she claims that she was never sexually abused. I once assumed that she might have had a prior wedding enagagement long before I came along, but after discussing it with her -- the answer was a resounding 'no'. She swears her depression is connected to her mother's death, etc. -- but I can't see that driving her to the point of having her father suggest admittal into an evaluation ward. I know that she lost her job at one point and she could no longer afford some depression drug perscribed by her psychologist, and she went into withdrawel in a very bad way. This all transpired before I came along, so I am re-hasing what she has told me.

 

Exactly! Someone who can see what I can see... her words don't match her actions, and I am trying to find out why. When asked, she blames her depression and claims it's 'flaring up'.

 

Thank you! I thought I was going crazy at one point...

[imconfused]

During our dating days, her roomate (whom she lived with back then) use to complain about my wife coming home between bus runs and sleeping the afternoon away. She'd also come home from work in the afternoon and do the same thing.... this all happened when we dated, and it has carried into the marriage. Thing is, I wanted us to go to the store together this morning, and she wanted to sleep... it's getting pretty bad. It's almost to a point that her depression is starting to affect me, and I know I can't let this swallow me up. It's starting to make me feel droopy too. I love this woman and all I want to do is get to the bottom of everything.

[Madaline]

Ooo... ok so this has always been something that she did.

 

No no no your not going crazy. Trust me this has nothing to do with you starting to work at home. You just started to notice it because you were around more.

 

You need to find out why she is always sleeping and has no energy to do things. This could be depression or is could be other things as well. If she is just plan lazy then you need to get her a$$ up and start doing things.

 

You also mentioned that she did say that her depression was coming back or something like that. Talk to her and see if she is willing to talk about it too.

 

I think you do need to keep an open mind about this because I could be wrong since I'm only going by what you post. But it is something to look into. It doesn't hurt.

[JamesM]

How long have you been married?

 

How long ago was the "affair" with the ex?

 

How do you know it is over?

 

Does she have a cell phone that you can call?

 

The depression was triggered by something...was it right after you began working at home? Is there any way to check cell phone records...just in case?

 

I am not sure which direction to go, but it may help to alleviate or rationalize fears...one way or another.

[imconfused]

Ooo... ok so this has always been something that she did.

 

No no no your not going crazy. Trust me this has nothing to do with you starting to work at home. You just started to notice it because you were around more.

 

You need to find out why she is always sleeping and has no energy to do things. This could be depression or is could be other things as well. If she is just plan lazy then you need to get her a$$ up and start doing things.

 

You also mentioned that she did say that her depression was coming back or something like that. Talk to her and see if she is willing to talk about it too.

 

I think you do need to keep an open mind about this because I could be wrong since I'm only going by what you post. But it is something to look into. It doesn't hurt.

 

I'll check into it further.. thank you,

[imconfused]

The minister returned my call yesterday evening. We spoke on the phone for some time, and he answered my questions without hesitation. The private talk he had with me before getting married was his way of voicing concern for me. He said my wife's mother was very reclusive, and that my wife lived a very sheltered life. He claims that people living in that environment tend to wonder from person to person, and they some times can't have a 'real' serous relationship. They're also good at making excuses to cover up guilt and actions they can't explain.

 

This would explain last year's incident with her Ex boy friend.... in her mind she didn't cheat on me (she claims nothing physical happened), and this is her way of justifying what she did. We all know that nothing physical needs to take place to 'cheat' on your spouse; I just ran across a post on this very board with an article that mentions emotional cheating and why it’s considered cheating. The fact she saw this person shows dishonesty, insecurity, and a lack of confidence in herself. In all honesty, the minister believes I should take her into counseling, because people like her tend to repeat the same patterns over and over again. The one thing I was told was to conform myself to the idea that she 'did' cheat on me, regardless of the circumstances and when it happened.

 

I know when my wife and I first discussed the issue with her ex (last year), sho used the 'you need to trust me' card, and she swore nothing happened. Problem is, she made a promise to me the day she took my ring...

 

Do I know if she is still seeing him? She runs a tight schedule from work, but that doesn't mean anything. She claims that she'll be 'sorry' for what she did for the rest of our life together, but the perplexing thing is -- if nothing really happened then what is there to be sorry for?

 

Marriage is a different ball-game than dating (as we all know). If we were casually dating -- and if it happened -- then that is one thing, but we were serious and engaged, so that changes everything. She has tried to get me to change my thinking process, but I have already conditioned myself (a long time ago) that she cheated on me, but it is not something I concisely think about everyday. Hearing it from the minister has brought some emotional feelings back, but I am dealing with it day-by-day. He and everyone else believe that I should have left the day it happened, to show her that what she did was wrong, but instead I stuck it out so we could 'work' things out. The fact that she pleaded with me (i.e. not to leave her) didn't help matters any either.... it was an emotional mess, and she fell into a deep depression when this all occurred. (Some people in the family believe she used this as a ‘pity me’ move.) It's like the minister said: she needs help, but if she is not willing to go, then there is nothing that can be done.

 

I dunno'.... I guess there's enough here already to walk out on her, but where will that leave me? I'm not looking to prove that something is going on -- I just want some certainty! Sad, isn't it?

 

Edit: Allow me to elaborate on the 'walk out' part: if she isn't willing to accept what she did as wrong (i.e. cheating)-- and since she isn't very receptive to to the idea of seeking help -- then for all intent and purposes, my marriage is (possibly) doomed. The first step to seeking help is realizing you need it, am I right?

[imconfused]

How long have you been married?

 

We were married July of this year...

 

How long ago was the "affair" with the ex?

 

It's been 7 months to the day....

 

How do you know it is over?

 

I have no idea to be honest... we've relocated since then, and we have a new phone number, etc. When she's not working, she's home with me, and when she wants to see her friends, she brings me along. In all honesty, if she is seeing anyone (which I don't think she is) it is happening during her bus run.

 

Does she have a cell phone that you can call?

 

No, she doesn't... we used to have cell phones, but that was after the 'affair' and before the marriage. I had access to the phonebills online, and nothing out of the ordinary was there.

 

 

The depression was triggered by something...was it right after you began working at home? Is there any way to check cell phone records...just in case?

 

Madaline doesn't think so, but I have noticed a 'change' in her depression ever since I started working at home. Could it be that I am noticing more since I am home working all the time? Who knows, that could be it... and we don't have cell phones, but she has expressed interest in getting new ones. She speaks to her sister and father rarely, and she never really hung out with her friends much, even before I came along. She claims she would like new phones to stay in contact with me during the day, but who knows if this is true or not.

 

When we had cell phones, she'd call me twice a day (when she was waiting at the schools to pick up her students).

 

 

 

I am not sure which direction to go, but it may help to alleviate or rationalize fears...one way or another.

 

I'm not too sure where to go from here either.

[JamesM]

A couple of questions...

 

If she hadn't cheated on you while engaged, would you think she was cheating on you based on the signs you see?

 

So, according to the minister, there was no other reason that he told you what he did other than the time she cheated on you while engaged? Was he basically telling you that if she cheats on you while engaged, she is more likely to cheat on you while married? (BTW, this is probably true).

 

You have been married less than a YEAR? And you have dealt with this much already?

 

I am still not going for the cheating idea yet, but it is more of a possibility. Having personally dealt with depression with myself and my wife, this can do bad things to a person. She could be depressed because life is what it is. She could be seeing this guy...but I still think that depression would not be noticeable...unless he broke it off with her or she cannot get a chance to see him because you are home.

 

Are you wanting to walk out? Or do you want to fix the marriage? I would level with her and tell her that you are concerned about her depression and believe that she needs to seek counseling for it again. She also needs some meds. Many people who have had depression once on their life have relapses. In her case, it sounds like she has never gotten out of the depression.

 

Good luck. You have some tough issues to deal with, but they are solveable.

[JamesM]

Okay, I see you answered my other one...

 

I have no idea to be honest... we've relocated since then, and we have a new phone number, etc. When she's not working, she's home with me, and when she wants to see her friends, she brings me along. In all honesty, if she is seeing anyone (which I don't think she is) it is happening during her bus run.

 

Did you live where she was looking at getting bus tickets for? Or rather is this where her ex lives?

 

Could it be that I am noticing more since I am home working all the time

 

Yes.

[Guest]

you know what I have found over the long pierod of time my husband and I are together and the checking my cell phone who called where I am etc etc. well he was the one doing the cheating are you guilty of something that is driving you to this point?

[imconfused]

A couple of questions...

 

If she hadn't cheated on you while engaged, would you think she was cheating on you based on the signs you see?

If I hadn't gone through this before? Probably not because I wouldn’t know what to look for.

 

So, according to the minister, there was no other reason that he told you what he did other than the time she cheated on you while engaged? Was he basically telling you that if she cheats on you while engaged, she is more likely to cheat on you while married? (BTW, this is probably true).

Based on the life she lived with her mother -- and with what happened to us last year -- he based his concerns on that.

 

You have been married less than a YEAR? And you have dealt with this much already?

It's quite extraordinary isn't it? Yes, I've been through that much in such a short period of time. I wanted to hold off the wedding until I felt ready (because of all the issues we were having), but she fought me on it tooth and nail (and she tried to lead me to believe that once married, things would be better). I love her, so I don't regret marrying her -- but some days I wonder what would have happened if I had stuck to my guns and waited.

 

 

I am still not going for the cheating idea yet, but it is more of a possibility. Having personally dealt with depression with myself and my wife, this can do bad things to a person. She could be depressed because life is what it is. She could be seeing this guy...but I still think that depression would not be noticeable...unless he broke it off with her or she cannot get a chance to see him because you are home.

Exactly! Do you know how long it took took me to get her to admit what she did last year? She can be very convincing when she lies, and she uses emotions and a sweet girl act and it comes across as being very believable. I won't go into detail, but when she finally admitted to seeing her ex, she tried to make me feel guilty about it. She didn't blame me for the incident, but she tried to get me to feel sorry for her, because she claimed it 'wasn't her' -- that she didn't know what she was doing. Nevermind how I was feeling at the time; it was all about her (sarcasim).

 

Are you wanting to walk out?

In some ways, yes, but in others, no....

 

 

Or do you want to fix the marriage?

I want to fix the marriage, but I'm at a point that walking seems more attractive every single day. I try my hardest to make things work, but some days it seems hopeless.

 

I would level with her and tell her that you are concerned about her depression and believe that she needs to seek counseling for it again. She also needs some meds. Many people who have had depression once on their life have relapses. In her case, it sounds like she has never gotten out of the depression.

She’s already on meds (she's been on them for years), but I don't think they're working well. I am also afraid of her having a relapse. She claims it wasn't her when she saw her ex, so maybe she's claiming her depression aided her? It could be an excuse too. I don't know, but I feel so 'mixed' up some days about everything. Every time we talk (even about the tickets) I keep hearing the same old thing, “I would never cheat on you... trust me.... I'm not planning a trip..... it's only you I love... I know you're my soul mate." And she says these things even when I don’t raise any questions about it. I don't even know why I try… well, okay – I love her and that is why I try.

 

Good luck. You have some tough issues to deal with, but they are solveable.

Thank you! I hope the issues can be solved before it’s too late.

[imconfused]

Okay, I see you answered my other one...

 

 

 

Did you live where she was looking at getting bus tickets for? Or rather is this where her ex lives?

No.. the coach tickets are from a company that is a State away and it would take all day to get there (it's located in a very large city). Her Ex isn't close by and he is not even close to the coach company. The end location for the tickets she looked at is a few States away where she attended college. There are 2 people that I know of that may still be there: her girlfriend from college (the one I mentioned in one of my previous post) and some 'guy' friend, who she claims no longer lives there (as far as she knows). This 'other' guy friend isn't her ex, and she used to hang with him and his girlfriend during their college years on campus. I remember asking my wife once if she ever had a relationship / crush on this guy (she used to talk about him all the time, and it was starting to bother me), but she claimed that she never did. I dunno'... the more I talk about this the more the pieces fall into place.

[imconfused]

you know what I have found over the long pierod of time my husband and I are together and the checking my cell phone who called where I am etc etc. well he was the one doing the cheating are you guilty of something that is driving you to this point?

 

If I was the one cheating I wouldn't be spilling my guts on some message board to a bunch of strangers; I'd be spending the time out with the 'other' woman.

[JamesM]

If I was the one cheating I wouldn't be spilling my guts on some message board to a bunch of strangers; I'd be spending the time out with the 'other' woman.

 

Agreed. In some cases, yes, it is true that cheating spouses assume that their partners cheat also. In your case, your partner has already cheated...hence you are more paranoid...as we all would be.