My head is spinning... some ?

[imconfused]

I don't usually attend on-line forums for advice (especially concerning relationships), but I am feeling really lousy as of late.

 

 

It's involving my wife; lately something doesn't feel right in my gut. I can't place my finger on it, but when she goes to work -- I feel this strange, something isn't quite right anxiety feeling. She'll come home and seem fine some days, and others she just doesn't seem like herself. She acts jittery, her eyes will have that 'glare' (no mad, it's hard to describe), and she seems to always distract the conversation when I bring it up. She'll go on about how much she loves me, etc.I told her once how I felt, and I said it felt like something was 'going on' with her, but she continued to explain that everything was fine. We seem to be fighting a lot lately over trivial things (mostly over how she acts, but her answers never seem to 'settle' the feeling inside me). I'm not sure what it is.... she is a school bus driver, so she comes home between runs (I see her mid-morning), so if she was doing something, her time schedule for her job is too tight for anything to happen.

 

I try to keep my mind off these feelings that plague me (I keep telling myself that it's just me), but the more I try to focus elsewhere, the worst the feelings get.

 

 

We have always been open with communication, so I have already sat her down and discussed this with her on many occasions. She claims that nothing is wrong, and she says I have nothing to worry about, but this feeling is nagging the hell out of me. Any thoughts? I know something inside my inner-self is trying to tell me something, but her work schedule is too stringent, and we do everything together... so I am at a loss about what I am feeling.

[noforgiveness]

A friend felt exactly as you described and she feared her husband was having an affair.

 

In actuality he was planning her surprise 40th birthday party and didn't want to blow it by talking much.

 

Any special occasions coming up?

[whichwayisup]

Listen to your gut, if you feel something isn't right - LOOK into it. Do some detective work..........

 

Just keep talking to her, let her know your fears and how you're feeling. Maybe she will open up to you about what it is that is going on inside her head.

[imconfused]

Listen to your gut, if you feel something isn't right - LOOK into it. Do some detective work..........

 

Just keep talking to her, let her know your fears and how you're feeling. Maybe she will open up to you about what it is that is going on inside her head.

 

Any guidelines to follow when doing detective work? I'm asking if you have any suggestions or methods that may work.

 

No special occassions are coming up, btw.

[Rooster_DAR]

Gut feelings should be listened to. True, it could be some surprise for you, but from the way you described her dispostion that does not sound like the case. Be very careful here because snooping, although I think it's acceptable under certain circumstances, can hurt the relationship.

 

Can she account for her time to where it's believable? If she has a cellphone, that is probably the best way to do some checking. Get the password off of her phone, then login to the phone providers website. All phone transactions are recorded there and are viewable.

 

Good luck!

[Touche]

Keep that kind of irrational behavior up and you may DRIVE her to do something. I mean it. This is very destructive behavior. Since you have absolutely NO reason to suspect her of anything you better back off. She's probably really getting fed up of it. It's not easy living with someone who always thinks you're up to no good.

[imconfused]

Keep that kind of irrational behavior up and you may DRIVE her to do something. I mean it. This is very destructive behavior. Since you have absolutely NO reason to suspect her of anything you better back off. She's probably really getting fed up of it. It's not easy living with someone who always thinks you're up to no good.

 

Your point would be valid if I accused her of things, but I have not and will not without any proof. This is what irriates me about some women: it's perfectly fine for them to question things when they feel something isn't right, but as soon as the man does it -- oh boy, watch out! We're being destructive and crude... that's what you call narrow-minded thinking. My wife has placed me through the ringer before by seeing her EX behind my back, but that was a long time ago; all was forgiven and nothing else was said. Now I am starting to see the same patterns, so if anyone destroys this marriage, it will be her. She's getting fed up? Pfft... what about me? I'm the one on the receiving end.

 

What's so irriational about my feelings? Oh wait, I guess you're implying that I shouldn't get to the bottom of things. This may come as a surprise to you, but men have intuition too, and some of us actually know when something is wrong.

[imconfused]

Since you have absolutely NO reason to suspect her of anything you better back off.

 

 

BTW: How would you know? You don't know the entire story -- all you know is what I wrote in my initial post.

[Touche]

Uhm..yeah, I can only go by what you POSTED. If there's more to the story, then you should tell us so that we can best advise you.

 

And sorry, but your anger is misplaced. I don't agree with this type of behavior coming from a woman either.

 

You stated that there was NO way she can be up to something. She works and comes home. So if we're missing more info, clue us in ok?

 

And stop being so hostile. I was only trying to help you. This IS destructive behavior. She'll sense it from you. You said yourself that she's been glaring at you for no reason. Well maybe in YOUR mind there's no reason. Maybe she can sense what you're up to as far as your unfounded suspicions.

[imconfused]

Uhm..yeah, I can only go by what you POSTED. If there's more to the story, then you should tell us so that we can best advise you.

 

And sorry, but your anger is misplaced. I don't agree with this type of behavior coming from a woman either.

 

You stated that there was NO way she can be up to something. She works and comes home. So if we're missing more info, clue us in ok?

 

And stop being so hostile. I was only trying to help you. This IS destructive behavior. She'll sense it from you. You said yourself that she's been glaring at you for no reason. Well maybe in YOUR mind there's no reason. Maybe she can sense what you're up to as far as your unfounded suspicions.

 

 

Touche,

 

I'm not hostile, and my beahviour isn't destructive. Destructive beahviour would be calilng her names, accusing her of cheating, and kicking her out with no proof, etc. -- I have done none of that.

 

I guess I didn't word it properly; she is not glaring at me -- she walks around and has this strange look in her eyes, and she isnt looking at me when it happens. Here's the best way to describe it: that look people have in their eyes when they have something to hide. She never used to be this way, hence my alarm at the situation.

 

It's very hard to account for her time because she drives school bus; kids get added to the schedule and sometimes they don't go to school, so all I have to go on is what she tells me when time is concerned.

 

I'm just trying to figure this all out.... her behaviour, and why I am feeling this way. I know the way I am feeling is stemming from her actions, body language, etc., but to find the source seems near-close to impossible.

 

I don't yell at her when we fight, but she yells plenty at me and she even gets very physical. I don't get it...

 

I'm trying my best to describe things so bear with me, ok? This isn't easy...

[Touche]

Yes, sorry. Didn't mean to be harsh but I just still don't get what she's done to make you suspicious. And she has no right to get physically violent with you. You need to put your foot down on that behavior.

 

Why don't you sit down when she's calm and talk to her? See what's going on. I don't see though how if she's driving a school bus and then home how she'd have time to cheat on you. Am I missing something?

 

It sounds to me like she does have some anger toward you. Perhaps that's why she's acting funny. You need to really sit down with her and push for answers in a non-confrontational way.

[imconfused]

I'm at a lost

[imconfused]

Yes, sorry. Didn't mean to be harsh but I just still don't get what she's done to make you suspicious. And she has no right to get physically violent with you. You need to put your foot down on that behavior.

 

Why don't you sit down when she's calm and talk to her? See what's going on. I don't see though how if she's driving a school bus and then home how she'd have time to cheat on you. Am I missing something?

 

It sounds to me like she does have some anger toward you. Perhaps that's why she's acting funny. You need to really sit down with her and push for answers in a non-confrontational way.

 

It's no so much thinking she's cheating; I know this doesn't make any sense, but there's a 'something is wrong' feeling that is haunting me and I have tried to communicate this to her in the past.

 

She'll change stories or she'll seem very distant....or she'll come home real late some days, and tell me she was talking with co-workers. This sounds believeable, but she usually comes home on time, and she has said on many occassions that there isn't anyone there worth talking to.

 

According to my wife, she's happy with us, but she doesn't act like it some days. I do everything I can to express my love to her, but some days it doesn't seem like its enough. I have brought this to her attention, and she claims that she is doing everything she can to show me how much she loves me. Problem is, I doesn't feel like it...

 

Sometimes her kisses don't seem heartfelt, even though she smiles seetly and says they are. I dunno'... it just feels like she's not saying something that should be said... if that makes any sense. It's almost like she's in self-denial, but of what is beyond me. We've had very long conversations about all my concerns, and it leads back to her saying it's 'just me' and that she loves me more than life.

 

Hey, I hope it's all me.... I want to BELIEVE the problem lies within me because that means nothing is really going on with my wife. I’m not on a witch hunt looking to string her up – I just want to live happily with her without these weird feelings and interpretations interfering.

[Touche]

Then maybe you should take her at her word. Maybe she's reacting to your thinking there's something wrong. That can be unsettling. Try acting positively and be more upbeat. Maybe if you don't ask her what's wrong then and act like nothing IS wrong, she'll respond to that.

 

It won't hurt to try. This could be nothing. Are you letting the past interfere with the present?

 

Only you know the answers to this.

[norajane]

Maybe you two have just let yourselves get a little disconnected due to work and whatever other pressures you may have. Why don't you plan a getaway weekend for the two of you and spend some time rekindling the romance - without pressuring her to tell you whatever it is you think she's hiding. Just enjoy being together. Maybe getting away from your usual routine will help you see things more clearly.

[whichwayisup]

Any guidelines to follow when doing detective work? I'm asking if you have any suggestions or methods that may work.

 

No special occassions are coming up, btw.

 

If she is having an affair, she will deny it.

 

Install a keylogger on the computer. Kept track of her cellphone usage, calls etc., pay attention to her moods - And some would suggest you (or get a trusted friend of yours) to follow her when she goes out, so you can know where she is going or if she's meeting up with someone.

 

You two should go to marriage counselling, and tell her why you feel this is necessary. That you don't want to lose her and right now it feels like she's slipping away from you.

[JamesM]

Usually our gut is right in that something is different, but we may misinterpret WHY something is different.

 

I am with the ones who said don't quickly assume. I noticed that you described the look first in her eyes as a glare or as hard to describe. Then later you put your meaning to the look and seemingly jump to a conclusion....

 

that look people have in their eyes when they have something to hide.

 

Then you assume that an affair is being hidden. I have to assume that the idea that she is hiding a party or presents from you is not valid? Christmas is approaching. Has she been open before about shopping for you? And did you say that everything has been going good up until now?

 

How is your sex life? I am guessing that if she were cheating, this would be an area you would notice a change.

 

And if you must satisfy yur worries..and I am not advocating it yet...can you follow her after she leaves her bus route without being noticed?

 

I think that for the sake of your marriage and well being, you should try to determine where this gut feeling is coming from, but I also think you should assume the best...not the worst.

 

BTW, most people here have your best interests at heart. And that definitely includes Touche. Having been at the receiving end of criticism, I understand your immediate "anger," but as one who has been here awhile, we do only know your situation by what you post. So please don't take offense...just add an explanation. We will try to help you get to the bottom of this.

[Touche]

Thanks for your kind words, James.

 

And I agreed with your post. You said it in a more succinct way than I did. The idea was to not assume the worst.

 

Also, you asked some valid questions concerning their sex life. Great post!

[pinenuts]

it's heartwarming to know that some people out there are listening and willing to help. (refering to the ones suggested to find evidence and the one thinks it's destructive)

 

Well, here is what i'm going to tell you from my own experience:

I tend to get that way when i don't get to spend any quality time with my husband, when i feel the spark between us slowly fading away----when i don't verbally express my stress and when life seems lack of exciment there are only rutine left. And we would talk it over and find the solutions, that's usually the time he buys me fancy gifts without hint and pays a visit to the local adult shop.

 

Here are some suggestions, watch her body language when she speaks, perfum she wears, lingeries, try to go to public places with her.

[norajane]

Well, here is what i'm going to tell you from my own experience:

I tend to get that way when i don't get to spend any quality time with my husband, when i feel the spark between us slowly fading away----when i don't verbally express my stress and when life seems lack of exciment there are only rutine left.

 

Yes, exactly!! That's why I suggested that he plan a weekend away with her - they need to reconnect and find that spark again.

[imconfused]

Usually our gut is right in that something is different, but we may misinterpret WHY something is different.

 

I am with the ones who said don't quickly assume. I noticed that you described the look first in her eyes as a glare or as hard to describe. Then later you put your meaning to the look and seemingly jump to a conclusion....

 

 

 

Then you assume that an affair is being hidden. I have to assume that the idea that she is hiding a party or presents from you is not valid? Christmas is approaching. Has she been open before about shopping for you? And did you say that everything has been going good up until now?

 

How is your sex life? I am guessing that if she were cheating, this would be an area you would notice a change.

 

And if you must satisfy yur worries..and I am not advocating it yet...can you follow her after she leaves her bus route without being noticed?

 

I think that for the sake of your marriage and well being, you should try to determine where this gut feeling is coming from, but I also think you should assume the best...not the worst.

 

BTW, most people here have your best interests at heart. And that definitely includes Touche. Having been at the receiving end of criticism, I understand your immediate "anger," but as one who has been here awhile, we do only know your situation by what you post. So please don't take offense...just add an explanation. We will try to help you get to the bottom of this.

 

Hello,

 

Touche asked me to place a face on the vacant 'glare' in my wife's eyes, so saying "it looks like she is hiding something" was the best way to explain it. I could be completely off base about my interpretation of that glare, but I will try to explain it better so people can have a better understanding: she'll come home from work and have a worried, jittery, glazed look in her eyes, and she seems to go into a vacant, glazed glare (i.e. looking at the wall) deep in thought about something. I’ll ask, "Sweetie. What’s on your mind? Is something troubling you?" and her responses are delayed, and very hesitant -- and when she does answer, she won't look me in the eyes when she does. "Everything is fine..." she'll say.

 

But there is a hesitation in her voice, a very long, delayed response -- and she seems overly sensitive to things. On these days, she pays extra attention to me, and we'll have sex more often (i.e. more than twice) on those days when she is in that 'glare' state. Our sex life has always been very active (once, twice a day most times), but recently it's been more frequent than ever (exceeding -- sometimes -- 3 or 4 times) on those days when she acts that way. What seems strange is her sudden need to experiment during sex. We've been together for a long time, and I have usually been the one to initiate the experimentation process (i.e. she's doesn't usually like to experiment), but recently this has changed. I am not saying it's a bad thing, but the way she experiments with us and how she physically acts doesn't 'feel' like her. There is something about your lover's touch -- when you've been with someone long enough -- that you can identify that touch with that person, if you know what I mean -- and any deviation from that familiar touch throws you off big time. Our kissing isn't as deep as it used to be, and there are days where it feels like she is 'pulling' away from the kiss early instead of kissing right (if that makes any sense). (Anyone in a relationship knows what I mean). It could also be me, but she looks at me differently -- like she is comparing me in some way. She'll have that strange look (like more of an "hmmmm" expression), and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I have never experienced this with her before, so again -- it is bothering me.

 

This has been an on-going thing (on and off) for the past 8 months, so I can't figure it out, and I don't even think it is related to Christmas or a surprise of any kind. Oh yeah, we've both discussed ‘these changes' in the past, but she acts very sweet and innocent (it makes me feel guilty for even bringing it up). I don't like to discuss these changes with her often, so it’s not like I am hammering her about it day after day. The only time I'll bring anything up is when all the aforementioned 'things' become more frequent, and out of control to a point where I don't even recognize her.

 

Her body language seems stiff some days and she isn't as receptive to me like she used to be (this happens on those days when she has those 'glare' episodes). I'll try talking to her, but it's like I am not even there (like she's in a diffeent world). She'll then snap back to reality, and she'll say something that is not even related to what I had said.

 

Plus, just very recently: her job has received complaints about her speeding in her school bus (apparently civilians have called on her), and apparently she has been returning to base (where she parks the bus) later than usual. She seems to have 'extra hours that she'll add in her 'next' paycheck, but never to the paycheck the hours should be in (i.e. the week she worked them). Since the company where she works uses hand-written time cards (all the drives do this) she is the one in control of her hours.

 

 

Just recently, I found an on-line website where she was looking up bus tickets, rates, etc., and I was puzzled -- it’s not like we have the money to take a trip any time soon. I brought the ticket info to her attention, and she blew up at me! I'm like, "Dear, I came across this by mistake; I am just curious as to why you've been looking -- it's not like we can afford to take a trip right now."

 

Her response was, "I was just curious about the rates, nothing more! I'm not planning to take a trip" Then she added ”I used to attend college out there." I was like, "I know you went to school out there.... do you plan on taking a trip, just the two of us??"

 

" No, I was curious about the rates because my College Professor from school used to say that the tickets from this bus company were very expensive. I also wanted to see if the bus service really went from one (certain) city to another."

 

"Ok" I thought.... I was a bit confused at this point.

 

After a long pause, she changed the story again and said, "Well, I have a friend out there as you know, and I thought we'd go and see her sometime."

 

Now, we discussed seeing this female friend of her's ages ago. It just seemed really strange.... I dunno'! We can hardly make rent and she's looking at this stuff? I guess it's one of those things where you 'had to be there' to understand. I hope this is making sense! I'm constantly being overwhelmed by ever-changing stories that leave me thinking, "Which is heads, and which is tails?"

[Touche]

Well, I'm doing a complete 180 here! Sounds like she's involved with someone. If you're REALLY reading these signs accurately that is. It may be emotional only..not necessarily physical. You do need to get at the bottom of this.

 

You were so specific here that now I understand why you're feeling as you do.

The staring off into space and the increased sex drive are signs. Exactly of what, I'm not sure. At the least a crush or fantasy about someone else (which I see as no big deal) and at the most a full-blown affair.

 

Do look further into this. Do insist on answers so you know what you're dealing with.

[imconfused]

Well, I'm doing a complete 180 here! Sounds like she's involved with someone. If you're REALLY reading these signs accurately that is. It may be emotional only..not necessarily physical. You do need to get at the bottom of this.

 

You were so specific here that now I understand why you're feeling as you do.

The staring off into space and the increased sex drive are signs. Exactly of what, I'm not sure. At the least a crush or fantasy about someone else (which I see as no big deal) and at the most a full-blown affair.

 

Do look further into this. Do insist on answers so you know what you're dealing with.

 

 

Thank you, Touche -- I apologize for coming off strong before, but I am s mixed up emotionally it is not funny. I have tried to get to the bottom of this, but she claims that 'everything is fine' and that she 'loves me more than anything'. Just today, we were discussing our Christmas shopping plans. We are spending $10 per person for each member in the family because our budget is so tight. However, I wanted her and I to buy special gifts for each other (i.e. spend a little bit more -- like $30 or so), so I said, "I don't want us to spend $10.00 on each other." She smiled, looked at me and said, "Do you mean more like $5.00?" That really hurt... She laughed, smiled, and said, "I'm only playing with you..."

 

Yes, I feel like she is comparing me in so many ways, and I have never felt uncomfortable like this around her before. I bring it to her attention, but she says I am crazy. I have the impression that someone else is stealing her attention away from me even though she says no one else is in her life. The job situation, the hours -- the way she is acting so very strange. Where she once starved for my attention, she seems to have lessen that need; I mean, she still seeks me for attention ( I give it to her all the time, even when she doesn't seek it), but it is not as frequent like it was.

[pinenuts]

language is often an inadequate medium for expressing emotions and ideas.

she thought marriage would filled with bliss and passion. Her husband, Charles loves her deeply, thinks of her constantly, and forgives her no matter what she does, despite his deep love for Emma, he doesn’t understand her.

 

Enough with the book...

 

She sounds like under some kind of stress, you either take her to a counselor or start doing some investegation.(my guts telling me she's more unhappy about something, things that she knew she can't change or you are unable to help to change that)

[norajane]

I'm changin my mind too. It does sound like there's someone else.

 

Is there any way you can follow her school bus, since that would appear to be when the only time she might be meeting someone? What do school bus driver do during the middle of the day when the kids are in school?