removing the sadness

[Guest]

wow you are ignorant. You never took the time to read my post. My husband was not in bed with her. It was my BESTFRIEND and she knew exactly how great my marriage was. I even read a text message from her that said oh i guess you are going to go make love to your wife now.

 

You got hurt??? You were playing with fire. What did you expect? You knew he wasn't yours to begin with.

 

I am far from ignorant...just not interested in re-reading your post. And I am not your best friend either. But I am not going to sit here and let you flame me because you don't know how to pick your friends. But you sure as hell are good at picking your enemies now aren't you? Sounds like you need to take some self-inventory as to what you did in marriage, what you didn't do in your marriage, who you are as a person, who your friends are, why you suck at picking them, why you suck at picking a husband?

 

The next thing...your man said the same crap to you that led you to believe he was PERFECT TO MARRY that he said to HER. All men have that "get in bed" verbiage. So she may have been playing with FIRE, but at least she knew there was a FIRE. You were dumb enough to marry the sorry S.O.B. So who's really the ignorant one? You just mad becasue you are STUCK with a man that had FIREY, PASSIONATE sex with someone else.

 

And ultimately, like I am, she is BETTER OFF because he fooled her like he fooled you but she can move on. YOU STUCK!

 

So be careful what you call me, because I see ignorance in you, too. You fell for his dumb behind and even got married to it.

 

Now, you don't know me, but sista, call me out of my name again and I might call you and say I am guest from loveshack and show you how ignorant I am not!

[Daisy2007]

Thank you silktricks and suebee.

 

I do think ls is hurting some more than helping. Especially when i spend time in the oW forum.

 

We had a great night last night. Hopefully we'll continue to have them. He can't try any harder or be any sweeter I guess it's all up to me now.

 

It's hurting more than helping in the OW forum because you only want to hear what you want to hear.

[NoIDidn't]

No,

 

I just wanted to add that it helps if your H is showing real remorse and backing it up with his actions.

 

My H NEVER gave me a timeframe after his EA. EVER. And I think that helped me tremendously. Also, trolling the net for OW boards doesn't help. It does hurt to hear the OW talk about all the wonderful things or make snarky comments about the W (that they mostly can't verify for truth). The part that hurt me the most was all the lovey-dovey romance things - so common in EAs- that I was not getting. But I accept that my M is out of that stage for now. It may re-enter it, but for now we are just too busy with major other obligations.

 

The fact that you are feeling anger is good. Believe it or not. Go get a good book on infidelity and/or the stages of grief.

 

You might need to take a board holiday until your feelings even out. Nothing is worst than getting stuck on the anger and becoming bitter. That will abolish the glow until you get a handle on the bitterness (I am not at all saying you are bitter, just warning you on how you get there).

 

Do somethings with your H. Allow him to be nice to you and mean it sincerely. Mourn the loss of your best friend and that relationship. Look at her as a person that was hurting and inappropriately bonded with your H. She is human and made a huge mistake. One of the biggest of wrong choices. You may never be friends again, but don't worry for every door that closes, another opens. Think back on old dreams, things that you haven't accomplished yet. Try to do some of them. Live life with RESPONSIBLE abandon.

 

You WILL get the glow back. You will. But take your time. Right now two years seems like forever, but in two years it will seem like it was a drop in the bucket.

 

Think of this time like a rollercoaster. I LOVE rollercoasters. But I find that the scariest parts always turn out to be the BEST. This is your scary part. Look back at it with the biggest grin you can, and your arms up - howling with excitment.

 

BTW, know that I say this from one year out, almost. Its been a hard year. But I have learned so much and grown so much. If G_d would have told me that my H's A would lead to personal growth, I think I would have told him "take me now".

[noforgiveness]

I am far from ignorant...just not interested in re-reading your post. And I am not your best friend either. But I am not going to sit here and let you flame me because you don't know how to pick your friends. But you sure as hell are good at picking your enemies now aren't you? Sounds like you need to take some self-inventory as to what you did in marriage, what you didn't do in your marriage, who you are as a person, who your friends are, why you suck at picking them, why you suck at picking a husband?

 

The next thing...your man said the same crap to you that led you to believe he was PERFECT TO MARRY that he said to HER. All men have that "get in bed" verbiage. So she may have been playing with FIRE, but at least she knew there was a FIRE. You were dumb enough to marry the sorry S.O.B. So who's really the ignorant one? You just mad becasue you are STUCK with a man that had FIREY, PASSIONATE sex with someone else.

 

And ultimately, like I am, she is BETTER OFF because he fooled her like he fooled you but she can move on. YOU STUCK!

 

So be careful what you call me, because I see ignorance in you, too. You fell for his dumb behind and even got married to it.

 

Now, you don't know me, but sista, call me out of my name again and I might call you and say I am guest from loveshack and show you how ignorant I am not!

 

 

gosh that'snice coming from a coward who can't use their real name. Yes you are ignorant. Anyone who will post on a thread without reading the whole thread is ignorant to what the story is. You have shown that.

 

Gosh you sound so bitter. I bet your married man really hurt you because you thought YOU were special and he would leave his wife. I bet you found out just how NOT special you are as they all do.

 

Heffa??? What the heck is heffa? What are you under the impression that married women are overweight. If you think that then I guess you believe that your married man just wanted you for your body. What a sad state of affairs.

 

I go to the gym daily and am in incredible shape after 18 years of marriage and so is my husband. That's one thing we've always kept on top of is health and nutrition not drug use and partying to stay thin.

 

 

No i didn't thank you. That was very much appreciated.

[jmargel]

Noforgiveness,

 

I would look up the 5 stages of grief, and though he is not dead what has happened to you is just as trumatic. I would also suggest a counselor to help you through this. Sounds like you are a person with deep emotion, which is rare to find these days. And though what he did was wrong, I can tell you from my own personal experience that it's easy to get into something deeper than you bargained for.

 

My wife's best friend had the same problems, guy problems. I was always there to give advice and usually my advice worked. Slowly me & my wife both noticed she would always call my cell, and text me. She would let the guys she date know that 'I was in her life'. Though it was an ego boost, it felt weird. My wife still trusted her 100%, since she grew up with her. I also noticed that the few times I would mentioned how I was upset or frustrated over something with my wife, this friend jumped on that. A couple of times she has even gone as far as to say 'You & me would make a better couple' or things like 'I can't believe you are still with her, you two won't last'. When I let my wife know these things, she got quite upset but for some reason did not confront her.

 

Even though she has a bf, and mentions how much she wants to get married, etc.. she still calls me to 'see what I am upto', or texts me. It's rare that a day goes by that this doesn't happen.

 

I guess there are women who get emotionally attached quite fast and your husband probably got enough ego stroking to make him say things to her that he truly didn't mean. She was the damsil in distress and he got caught up in the moment.

 

I would hope that he stopped all contact with her, why do you both still talk to her? With my situation my wife still talks to her and she calls me just about everyday, and we go out together as a couple. Even her (the friend's) mom has said to me that she wished I was with her daughter. It feels strange, but my wife knows everything. She also knows that there is a line that I drew myself that I won't go over.

 

He needs to put you #1 in his life, and while she is still in it I guess you probably feel that you are competitng for his love and attention. So when he does tell you heart-felt things it doesn't feel the same. That's something I can really understand, since I know what it felt like to be emotionally cheated on. Right now you might feel that everything is tainted. The first step to getting over this, is to have him break off all contact with her. Not only have you lost your husband, but your best friend. You were betrayed by two people you hold dear in your life. Just hang in there, and take it day by day. Start doing things that make you happy, sounds like depression is starting to kick in.

[noforgiveness]

Noforgiveness,

 

I would look up the 5 stages of grief, and though he is not dead what has happened to you is just as trumatic. I would also suggest a counselor to help you through this. Sounds like you are a person with deep emotion, which is rare to find these days. And though what he did was wrong, I can tell you from my own personal experience that it's easy to get into something deeper than you bargained for.

 

My wife's best friend had the same problems, guy problems. I was always there to give advice and usually my advice worked. Slowly me & my wife both noticed she would always call my cell, and text me. She would let the guys she date know that 'I was in her life'. Though it was an ego boost, it felt weird. My wife still trusted her 100%, since she grew up with her. I also noticed that the few times I would mentioned how I was upset or frustrated over something with my wife, this friend jumped on that. A couple of times she has even gone as far as to say 'You & me would make a better couple' or things like 'I can't believe you are still with her, you two won't last'. When I let my wife know these things, she got quite upset but for some reason did not confront her.

 

Even though she has a bf, and mentions how much she wants to get married, etc.. she still calls me to 'see what I am upto', or texts me. It's rare that a day goes by that this doesn't happen.

 

I guess there are women who get emotionally attached quite fast and your husband probably got enough ego stroking to make him say things to her that he truly didn't mean. She was the damsil in distress and he got caught up in the moment.

 

I would hope that he stopped all contact with her, why do you both still talk to her? With my situation my wife still talks to her and she calls me just about everyday, and we go out together as a couple. Even her (the friend's) mom has said to me that she wished I was with her daughter. It feels strange, but my wife knows everything. She also knows that there is a line that I drew myself that I won't go over.

 

He needs to put you #1 in his life, and while she is still in it I guess you probably feel that you are competitng for his love and attention. So when he does tell you heart-felt things it doesn't feel the same. That's something I can really understand, since I know what it felt like to be emotionally cheated on. Right now you might feel that everything is tainted. The first step to getting over this, is to have him break off all contact with her. Not only have you lost your husband, but your best friend. You were betrayed by two people you hold dear in your life. Just hang in there, and take it day by day. Start doing things that make you happy, sounds like depression is starting to kick in.

 

 

wow thank you.

Sounds exactly like the beginning of my story. Exactly. He alwas told me when she called and text in the beginning. He would joke about some things she said and tell me about them. He was giving her a better shoulder than me. I was looking out for the best interest of her kids so i was a little judgmental whereas he would help her.

 

I am not at all a jealous person and it is why I had no problems with this. I am very self confident and was extremely confident in his love for me.

 

My confidence took a blow though when her soon to be ex called and told me to check phone records. 3000 texts in one month is not a little advice. It crossed a line for me. Plus numerous numerous phone calls and emails. I read them. He never confessed love or desire to her but she did to him and that's when i should have been told. One email told him he makes her complete. I did listen to a voicemail he said pick up the phone I love you more than anything. That crushed me. That message I can't get out of my mind. He says she called him and said she took a few xanax and was drinking a bottle of wine and he was scared for her and he did anything to get her to pick up. I don't know what to believe. I feel I am being naive believing it wasn't physical. They both assure me it wasn't. I never had any missing time when i tried to call him and couldn't get him so i just don't know.

 

It's done i know it is. I'm still concerned another axe will fall and i will find it was physical. That will be the deal breaker for me. I would never accept that.

 

I'm surprised your wife is ok with this. Best friend or not it's over the line when your spouse confides so much to another woman. Stay open with your wife and tell her everything. If my husband had just told me how often, how she was falling for him we would still all be friends. He misses her and that kills me too but I miss her. He doesn't understand how i could be so black and white and go from three best friends to nothing no contact allowed.

 

I know my husband is totally commited to me now I just need to find me and get me back. I'm not doing a very good job of that. Going from 100% confidence in a marriage to zero is hard.

[noforgiveness]

oh and the friendship is totally gone. That's my user name noforgiveness. I am being stubborn I may forgive my husband but I will NEVER forgive her.

 

Here's my original post. I was guest at first. It really went downhill because i posted it in the OW forum.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t102917/

[NoIDidn't]

I second everything that Jmargel has said. But I add one more. And this is not a judgment of you. but......stay away from the OW/OM forum for a little bit. I feel your pain and can totally relate to wanting to take it out on somebody. You sound like a very self-assured person who has taken a severe blow. Kind of like asking yourself "how could I not see it" or "how did this happen to me".

 

But its not your fault. You are supposed to be able to trust your best friend and your H. Maybe not together, but you should be able to trust that the two of them have your interests in mind too.

 

Its not your fault. You missed the signs. But even that is not your fault. Your anger will give way to reasoning or bargaining, another step in the grieving process. You will begin to think, without as much anger, about what you could have done differently, how you could have helped her in a way that wouldn't have been destructive to your M.

 

What you are feeling is so normal. A lot of people would call you bitter, or start saying that you have to get over this sooner. But I call you normal. A good therapist will point this out for you. But, you have to take control of your actions, if not your emotions. JMargel is right. Your actions could dig you into a much deeper hole than your emotions alone ever could.

 

Good luck sweety. The sadness doesn't last forever, but any impulsive (and destructive) actions taken will overshadow the EA and color people's judgment of you.

[silktricks]

jmargel - I hope that you have cut off the odd communication with your wife's friend. It's not healthy for any of you, and not healthy for your marriage.

 

noforgiveness - you really will get past this, just let time run its course. Spend good time with your husband, and try not to obsess about what you "should" have done.

 

DO NOT let the OW on this forum screw with your head. There are many honorable people who can slowly get sucked into an emotional relationship with someone under some circumstances - especially if they are feeling bad for some reason. The jump from an emotional relationship to a physical one, however, is a big jump. Don't borrow trouble by beginning to think that more happened than really did. What did happen was bad enough, right? Let it be what it was.

 

Your husband got caught up, and whether he wanted her to think he loved her for her sake, or his own, it doesn't really matter. What was said was said. What was done was done. It's in the past. The truth is that no matter what was going on with him at that time, when reality cracked him in the head he made his choice, and his choice was most definitely you, not her. Not forgiving her is fine. Go ahead and hate her even, if that what you need to do. Just be careful that you don't get to the space where you want to pay her back, or hurt her back. There really isn't anything that you need to do to her, it was already done, by him. She didn't get what she really wanted. All of her conniving and trickery came to nothing. If you think about it, she got hurt even worse by the fact that she thought she was going to get what she wanted, and then didn't. And that's got to hurt even worse than if he had stopped it in the beginning.

 

Now it's time for both of you to relegate the past to the past and live for today and the future. (I don't mean that you should be over this already. That will happen when it happens. One day, you'll be able to think and even talk about what happened without feeling what you feel today. It will be a distant unpleasant memory. You'll be well, and you won't even know when it happened.)

[jmargel]

When you listened to those voice mails of her telling him she loves him, was this before or after her stbx contacted you?

 

He doesn't understand how i could be so black and white and go from three best friends to nothing no contact allowed

 

He needs to understand that this was emotionally cheating in your eyes. That if you want all contact to stop, then it stops.

 

I have another female friend that I met up recently that I knew way back in HS. My wife knows that I talk to her as well. But, I also told my wife that at any point in time she gets too uncomfortable with either of them, I will stop all contact. And I have. When we were engaged, I knew another chick and those two went at it over the phone (we live in PA, she lived in SC). At that point I told Katherine that the contact between me & her is done. And it is, two years later and I haven't had any contact with her.

 

All the 'I love yous, etc..' seem to be coming from her. She owes you no loyality so accept her for who she is. Know that she is not a true friend for what she has done. For him, I believe he still has that loyalty for you and I believe he was just looking out for her in a way that got him caught up. These calls & texts I would assume mostly came from her?

 

I still suggest MC and if he's true about his intentions he'll go. Once this trust is broken, it is very hard to get back. Like the OP said, stay away from the OW/OM threads since it'll just give you more things to imagine. Don't let your imagination get the best of you for the time being.

[Guest]

You seem to be so proud of purposing not to forgive...that's sick or "barf" as you so lovingly reply so most things.

 

oh and the friendship is totally gone. That's my user name noforgiveness. I am being stubborn I may forgive my husband but I will NEVER forgive her.

 

Here's my original post. I was guest at first. It really went downhill because i posted it in the OW forum.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t102917/

[Ladyjane14]

You seem to be so proud of purposing not to forgive...that's sick or "barf" as you so lovingly reply so most things.

 

{sigh...} It'd be nice if they'd at least use their screen names.

 

I'm in total agreement with Silk. Let Time do it's thing. You've done a pretty good post-mortem on what happened. You've got a good understanding of why your husband was vulnerable to the attention he was receiving. You've both decided to rededicate yourselves to the marriage and repair whatever deficits might have existed. All in all, a valuable lesson, well learned.

 

As far as your former "friend" goes... with friends like that, who needs enemies?

 

The woman was a wolf in sheep's clothing, misrepresenting herself, posing as a friend.. all the while she had her own agenda which was all about serving Number One. She willfully stepped over the line. She had to have known she wasn't going to traipse off with your husband and keep your good will. She made a conscious choice to go behind your back, knowing EXACTLY what the stakes were.

 

Don't fret yourself over giving her the boot, sweetie. If you find a cancer... you cut it out. You don't wring your hands feeling sorry for it.

[GirlFromOz]

Don't fret yourself over giving her the boot, sweetie. If you find a cancer... you cut it out. You don't wring your hands feeling sorry for it.

 

LJ14, I love this comment - brilliant!!!

 

Noforgiveness, you sound beautiful & I just know that your eyes will shine once more. Eventually, the sparkles will fight their way back up from the bottom of your soul & the world will be able to see you shining once more. Don't settle for anything less!

[Guest]

You know... I have been lurking for a while now. I am a BS and I only discovered the A this February and that is when it abruptly came to an end. It lasted for a year and some. The OW was a lady at work and after she discovered he told me the truth (partially). She went to file a harassment complaint against my husband. Sometimes, I wonder if she did not pull something like that that it may have ended on a friendly terms. They still work there but mostly stay away from each other. But for 1 month or so.. my husband denied ever sleeping with her. It was not after I confronted him that the truth came out.... because I always wondered what woman would say and do all these things when there was nothing physical going on.

 

In a way, him hiding the truth during that time saved the marriage. Our baby was just shy of turning 10 months old at the time and I kept saying if I knew you guys slept together, it was over. It was that black and white in my mind. But eventually I caved in... I saw what an emotional wreck he was and how remorseful he was... but had I known at the time that something physical had occurred... all hell would have broken lose.... just be careful because I believe most emotional affairs leaves to the physical given enough time....

just be aware... good luck... there are good days and there are bad days.... hang in there....

 

J