noforgiveness Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 How do you get that glow back into your eyes? How do you remove that sad dull look to them. I see myself in the mirror and i look good all but the eyes. I see the sadness in them. I see the dullness in them. The sparkle is gone. He took that from me. He said he has such a hard time looking at my eyes. That he hurts so bad knowing he made them like this. He tells me go out have fun, get a massage, lunch with friends. But he took my best friend from me. He took the person I always had lunch with and went to the gym with from me. I love him. I forgive him. I know he got sucked in to helping her and he felt needed and wanted. He's trying so hard and i want to help him but i just can't bring that sparkle back to my eyes. I just can't look at him with the same respect and admiration for hurting me so badly. Will i always be this different, harder shelled person or will my shine, happy flirtiness and sparkle eventually come back? I can't even look into my own eyes.
Chapter2 Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I don't think MM get "sucked in" any more than OW/OM get sucked in. That implies that they were caught unaware and just stumbled into cheating. No one stumbles into cheating. There is a point where each of us makes the clear distinct choice to behave how we behave. We all want to feel needed and wanted irregardless of our role in the relationship be it BS, WS, OM or OW. You may not ever get back the same joy you had but maybe you will have a newer, different, better joy. On some level does it feel good to know that he has a hard time looking in your eyes and seeing pain? I would think that would stand as a reminder of how much he hurt you, a sort of penance. Just a thought. I know I've had to think through some really hard things and really examine what my motives are and have been. How do you get that glow back into your eyes? How do you remove that sad dull look to them. I see myself in the mirror and i look good all but the eyes. I see the sadness in them. I see the dullness in them. The sparkle is gone. He took that from me. He said he has such a hard time looking at my eyes. That he hurts so bad knowing he made them like this. He tells me go out have fun, get a massage, lunch with friends. But he took my best friend from me. He took the person I always had lunch with and went to the gym with from me. I love him. I forgive him. I know he got sucked in to helping her and he felt needed and wanted. He's trying so hard and i want to help him but i just can't bring that sparkle back to my eyes. I just can't look at him with the same respect and admiration for hurting me so badly. Will i always be this different, harder shelled person or will my shine, happy flirtiness and sparkle eventually come back? I can't even look into my own eyes.
Author noforgiveness Posted November 15, 2006 Author Posted November 15, 2006 I really believe he was sucked in by a needy person and the desire to be needed more. We both were sucked in by her. She was on my phone constantly, apparently his a lot more though. We both were trying to help her and relieve her pain. He was not looking to get involved emotionally with her. It just happened. We both had a lot of emotions invested in her situation. I know OW hate to hear we may think they sucked in or seduced our men. They like to think they are innocent. That they just fell in love. BARF. I became unable to do that because i was giving her a hard time about her kids and how she was telling them too much and her dating. Yes my husband and i were even online all the time helping her find dates. What a joke all the while she wanted my husband. Apparently when i didn't agree with her and would give her a hard time she would call my husband and he would offer the shoulder i was unable to give. She even complained about me to him a few times. I should have taken that as a clue when he would call to tell me that. No it does not feel good. No i do not want to punish him. No i am not spiteful. I want to be able to look at each other like we did and i know that will never happen. I'm a much different person now. My friends will be kept at an arms length.
Freedom Now Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 It is unfortunate that you must suffer the consequences of his bad behavior. Will that shine ever return in your eyes? For you, I hope so. I hope he realizes what he has done and to whom he has done it to. I have been in relationships where the smile had left my eyes, too. It was awful. I felt like a zombie walking through my life. Unfortunately, in my situations, it took me leaving to get myself back. I hope it doesn't take those drastic measures for you. Hang on.....I must believe that for those of us in these situations whether we are the BS or the OW, the best is yet to come for us. Peace to you Freedom Now
luvtoto Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Will i always be this different, harder shelled person or will my shine, happy flirtiness and sparkle eventually come back? I can't even look into my own eyes. You need to consciously make that change yourself. Only you are responsible for your own happiness. I've been there. But now, I am back. I had to work hard at coming back though. It wasn't easy.
Chapter2 Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I couldn't agree more...things like this do happen but no, I don't happen to be a part of the group you speak of that claims to be innocent. No one in these situations is innocent in my opinion and seduction is a two way street. People don't get sucked in unless they want to be. We are each given the freedom of choice irregardless of the needy people around us. I honestly do wish you the best. I can only imagine the pain you've gone through. Take care. I really believe he was sucked in by a needy person and the desire to be needed more. We both were sucked in by her. She was on my phone constantly, apparently his a lot more though. We both were trying to help her and relieve her pain. He was not looking to get involved emotionally with her. It just happened. We both had a lot of emotions invested in her situation. I know OW hate to hear we may think they sucked in or seduced our men. They like to think they are innocent. That they just fell in love. BARF. I became unable to do that because i was giving her a hard time about her kids and how she was telling them too much and her dating. Yes my husband and i were even online all the time helping her find dates. What a joke all the while she wanted my husband. Apparently when i didn't agree with her and would give her a hard time she would call my husband and he would offer the shoulder i was unable to give. She even complained about me to him a few times. I should have taken that as a clue when he would call to tell me that. No it does not feel good. No i do not want to punish him. No i am not spiteful. I want to be able to look at each other like we did and i know that will never happen. I'm a much different person now. My friends will be kept at an arms length.
yousaveme Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I really believe he was sucked in by a needy person and the desire to be needed more. We both were sucked in by her. She was on my phone constantly, apparently his a lot more though. We both were trying to help her and relieve her pain. He was not looking to get involved emotionally with her. It just happened. We both had a lot of emotions invested in her situation. I know OW hate to hear we may think they sucked in or seduced our men. They like to think they are innocent. That they just fell in love. BARF. I became unable to do that because i was giving her a hard time about her kids and how she was telling them too much and her dating. Yes my husband and i were even online all the time helping her find dates. What a joke all the while she wanted my husband. Apparently when i didn't agree with her and would give her a hard time she would call my husband and he would offer the shoulder i was unable to give. She even complained about me to him a few times. I should have taken that as a clue when he would call to tell me that. No it does not feel good. No i do not want to punish him. No i am not spiteful. I want to be able to look at each other like we did and i know that will never happen. I'm a much different person now. My friends will be kept at an arms length. I more i read your story the more i am either confused or misunderstanding. Did you husband have an affair or did he get sucked into helping your friend out behind your back? Was there feelings love, being in love or just concern over a friend.. Because im hearing that he got caught up in your former BF problems..But really didnt have an affair...What happened was wrong , going behind your back. And on top of it all it was a dear friend.. I just want to clarify what he actually did. To me i think he made a dumb mistake got caught up and didnt know how to get himself out of it.. I know we havent seen eye to eye before but i wanted to know , because it doesnt sound like an affair, just an error in judgement.
Author noforgiveness Posted November 15, 2006 Author Posted November 15, 2006 It was an emotional affair. at least that's what they say but it got very emotional. To the tune of 3,000 texts in a month and emails and voice messages. I knew they were talking a lot just not nearly as much or as intimate as it was becoming. The texts voicemails and emails were found to me by her stbx husband calling me and telling me to check phone bill.
yousaveme Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 It was an emotional affair. at least that's what they say but it got very emotional. To the tune of 3,000 texts in a month and emails and voice messages. I knew they were talking a lot just not nearly as much or as intimate as it was becoming. The texts voicemails and emails were found to me by her stbx husband calling me and telling me to check phone bill. I guess i missed they were intimate in nature. It just sounded to me more like he got sucked into something, he thought was okay and then got neck deep. I was just wondering how you felt differently with him when he wasnt having feelings for her other then friends.. Now i understand differently..Im sorry
Romeo Must Die Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Do not focus on the affair (or your ex friend) for longer than a week, give yourself some space and time to grieve, but dont stay there for too long. When it gets too overwhelming, just put the tough issues to rest until you can think about it collectively later. If it pops up in your mind concentrate on something else immediately. Wash. Lather. Repeat. You are probably traumatized from these recent events, so maybe a year from now it wont be so bad. You wont feel so close to being burned as you are right now. And you know what, you are perfectly justified to feel that way. As for reconcilling, trust is built with time and with trust comes a deeper intamacy. You dont really salvage much from the old relationship, so you have to start over again with what you have. You have to nurture your new relationship with your husband (as you would a new husband) and it takes alot of TLC and patience. I cant promise you that you wont be reluctant and jaded with him at times, but dont let that keep you in the clouds. Rely on yourself No_Forgiveness. Youre a smart woman. Giving a recent FWS control over your emotions is equivilent to letting the baby have play-doh on the carpet. It's a mess. lol. It's not all up to him, you know that. It's up to you, too. It's up to you if want to get up on your own two feet and decide if you are going to walk in the sun.
NoIDidn't Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 You do get that glow back. That's one of my best attributes. But it takes time. Don't rush it. Acknowledge your feelings and accept them for what they are. You have been dealt a double whammy and have earned the right to feel bad - for a season, not forever. The way to get that glow back is to focus on yourself. Refocus your life. Take away the power that you have given your H and XBF. Go for walks, workout in a gym, go see a movie. And sometimes even take him with you. When you re-emerge from this, not only will you have your glow, but a steely resilience that no one can ever take away from you again. Your eyes will not only have a glow, but will reflect the strength that you have earned.
luvtoto Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Your eyes will not only have a glow' date=' but will reflect the strength that you have earned.[/quote'] Yea, you never get that wide-eyed innocence back again, but NOIDIDN'T is right about the strength that you will project.
Guest Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 I really believe he was sucked in by a needy person and the desire to be needed more. We both were sucked in by her. She was on my phone constantly, apparently his a lot more though. We both were trying to help her and relieve her pain. He was not looking to get involved emotionally with her. It just happened. We both had a lot of emotions invested in her situation. I know OW hate to hear we may think they sucked in or seduced our men. They like to think they are innocent. That they just fell in love. BARF. I loved my MM...greatly. I was sucked in because I have never dated a married man but have been hit on since I was a teenager. But this one was truly a prince charming. If you think of Superman, he looked like superman but a more mature and seemingly more responsible superman. Just like him! He is a charmer and so nice and sweet. You are in the midst of trying to forgive him and it is so easy to say that he was sucked in by her...but as an OW, what do you think he told her that she would GAIN by going through this with him? Just think of what he must have said about you behind your back to SUCK HER IN. My man's wife is GORGEOUS but turned her into a monster adn the most evilest person in the world. He was a true victim and I belieed him because he was so nice. He had me thinking that she was taking his kindness for granted. Talk about BARFING! So just think of how romantic he was in the beginning to snag a woman like you into marrying him. He was romantic to her and probably had to be more charming because he had to tell her all the things she wanted to hear to make it happen. I am not trying to stand up for the OW but telling you that your husband of X number of years is the one who made vows with you. Not someone who popped around and you just met. It should make you wonder how many other women he has fooled around with?
Author noforgiveness Posted November 16, 2006 Author Posted November 16, 2006 thanks everyone for the good advice. I really like the sound of new found strength in my eyes. and guest do you feel better now using my thread to justify your actions? What is it ok to fool with a married man if his wife is a monster? If you even read this whole thread or the circumstances you would know you were way off base in my situation and the OW knew my marrige and me better than anyone. But hey anything to make your sneaking and hiding feel justified right?
lasan Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Excuse me no, I think you missed the point of what she said. She said she wasn't justifying anything at all. She was just pointing out how the WS sometimes chase an OW like they did their spouse at one point. I have read your threads. I personally don't think WS get sucked into anything. They either chose to be faithful, or they chose not to be. *edited to add that that also goes for OW/OM who are informed about the whole situation* From one BS to another, You will get your shine back. It will take time, and work. One day you will be able to move on past the hurt, and to a better future. One of the people my ex cheated on me with was my bestfriend. I did eventually forgive her. (although I certainly kept her away from men I dated after I divorced, that was for sure) Once I was able to forgive, and I mean truly forgive, and not the other kind of forgive where I was still holding a grudge, I could move on with my life. I can't promise you what you are looking for will come quickly, but I promise you if you are working for it, it will come.
silktricks Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 hi there, noforgiveness. my H also had an emotional A. Don't let "guest" get to you, and also don't think you're going to get past this pain in a week, as I believe one poster said (though I could have misunderstood, as I was skimming). It's going to take a long time. Don't push yourself. If you try to do that, it will just lengthen the process. (and don't let your H push you either.) My H said the exact same thing to me, that yours said to you, that looking at my pain made his worse. There can be some comfort in the fact that they feel truly terrible about what they did, but don't let his pain dictate how you deal with yours. Oh yeah, and men actually can get sucked into situations. My husband was as well. That does NOT in any way reduce his degree of guilt, however. All of us can (and on occasion probably have) been sucked into situations that we regret. It doesn't mean we aren't still guilty for our actions, because we should have known better, and our consciences should have kicked in to stop our misbehavior. But I'm sick and tired of hearing about how the MM are all devious creeps and OWs are all virginous, innocent victims. You know what happened in your situation. Your husband knows. The OW knows (she may not want to admit it even to herself, but she knows.) Don't let the people on these boards make you question yourself or your husband, because they don't know - but they certainly like to assume.
Author noforgiveness Posted November 17, 2006 Author Posted November 17, 2006 thank you silktricks. How is your relationship now? How long has it been?
silktricks Posted November 17, 2006 Posted November 17, 2006 we're doing good. That doesn't mean, though, that I don't on occasion still get sad about what happened, but it doesn't last - I can just say to myself that there's no way that he'd EVER do anything like that again, and know that it's the truth. I don't obsess anymore - (haven't for a good long while, actually.) It's been 2.5 years since he told me about it. by the way, I never did answer your original post. Yes, you do get the glow back. It just takes awhile. It takes true, from the heart forgiveness both of him and of yourself. If you're like me (and from your post, it sounds like you are), you are busy beating yourself up for not seeing, not doing something different from what you did. Take it from one who knows. You can't go back and undo what you did anymore than your husband can go back and undo what he did. My bet is that both of you would in a half-a-hearbeat, but you can't. The thing to do is learn to really truly forgive - and that really truly can be difficult!!
Author noforgiveness Posted November 18, 2006 Author Posted November 18, 2006 thank you silktricks. That helps. It's been a couple months now and i honestly feel like the hurt is leaving to TRUE ANGER. It's killing me. I am such a happy person. All too accomodating to allow him to help her and talk to her about finances and whatnot. I'm furious at her for taking such advantage after her heartbreak and how much I picked her up from it and she does this. And him to continue talking and chatting and emailing and not telling me. He told me a few times a day actually that she called and some things said. I guess that relieved his guilt of the over a hundred texts a day. I should have seen it before her ex called me. I should have told them to back off. I saw them getting closer. So yes I'm beating myself and him up and oh would love to beat her up but sigh i am not a violent person. I want my eyes back. i want my glow back. I feel like everyone around me who doesn't know can see the hurt. I even look in the mirror and try to look happy to see my eyes shine and it's not there. It's so odd. It's like a deception so deep that it really did reach my soul and change me. He wrote me the most beautiful letter the other day and all it does is make me cry. Before I would have laughed out loud and smiled and giggled but i just cry when i read it. It's just words now you know? They don't havethe same meaning anymore. They can be said to anyone.
Author noforgiveness Posted November 18, 2006 Author Posted November 18, 2006 how long did it take you to start healing and trusting? I feel like i'm getting worse not better. Like the dead feeling is gone and what's replacing it is not good.
SueBee3490 Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 how long did it take you to start healing and trusting? I feel like i'm getting worse not better. Like the dead feeling is gone and what's replacing it is not good. I know what you mean noforgiveness about the glow gone from your eyes. I found out about my H cheating in Jan '03 so I've been dealing with it for quite a long time. I know when I look in the mirror I see huge dark circles under my eyes that didn't used to be there. I was happy like you but find I'm now bitter and short-tempered. I used to be able to drive and not get angry about all those "idiot" drivers out there (the tailgaters, speeders, etc.). Now I find I do get extremely agitated especially with tailgaters to where I've slammed my brakes on to get them off my rear. I would have NEVER done that before, I didn't really let it bother me so much. And I felt like you that I was getting worse and not better in my feelings for him. I just know now that in my case I can't stay with him - because what he did just killed my spirit. I hope you can get your glow back and I know it will take time. Sorry not sure what advice to give on staying with your man as I know in my case there is just too much pain to stay with my H. I know that even though he swears he's not doing anything now, I can never get to the point of not trusting him. Take care
Guest Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 thanks everyone for the good advice. I really like the sound of new found strength in my eyes. and guest do you feel better now using my thread to justify your actions? What is it ok to fool with a married man if his wife is a monster? If you even read this whole thread or the circumstances you would know you were way off base in my situation and the OW knew my marrige and me better than anyone. But hey anything to make your sneaking and hiding feel justified right? Easy, I was offering advice. We are all in pain. I am not that woman any more than you are my exMM's wife. I am telling you to realize that you don't know what he was whispering to her about you especially when they were in bed together. You didn't even know that they were in bed together. I am not trying to hurt you. And also to be fair with you, I notice that when I typed, I might have sounded like I was dogging out the wife or being insensitive when I was actually crying all day and trying my hardest to avoid my exMM. When I said barfing, I actually meant that I am barfing NOW because I know that he gave love as if it was a gift that could never be opened. So I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart for typing through my own feelings and not able to proofread. But on the parts that might sound rude, I really wasn't trying to be rude to you as a wife but to that no good for nothing penis that wives like you are married to.
silktricks Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 Hi again. What I found is that trust is a choice, as is forgiveness. I said the Lord's prayer a lot, especially the part about "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us". My husband, like yours, made horrible errors in judgement, but I'm not a saint either. I've made my own terrible errors, and know that I will make more in the future - not out of spite or payback - just out of being human. I know that if he could roll back time he would give his very life to be able to do so and take back the hurt, but he can't, and I thank God that he can't. He is and always has been the embodiment of love for me. He is my best friend, my love, my heart. I am his best friend, his love and his heart. We both messed up. He was hurting, and I didn't see clearly enough to be able to help him. I was hurting, and he likewise wasn't able to help me. To be able to forgive, you need to learn to accept his humanity. Accept his sorrow, accept your own sorrow, accept your own humanity. Allow your anger to be anger. Don't pretend that it's anything else, because that will never let you heal. Don't pretend to feel anything toward the woman but what you do feel. Don't pretend for the sake of the women on this board anything other than what you need to feel for yourself, your husband and your marriage. You may find that LS doesn't help you, but rather makes you worse. The OW who post here are sometimes helpful, but most often are not. Take good care. Let yourself go with the feelings that you have, and accept that your husband is not perfect, but neither are you. Hugs and Kisses Silk P.S. oh yeah - how long did it take? Just a little shy of two years for me, and I understand from others and from reading that two years is a fairly common time frame. (Unfortunately I had other very large emotional losses at the same time, that I believe slowed down my healing, though.)
Author noforgiveness Posted November 19, 2006 Author Posted November 19, 2006 Easy, I was offering advice. We are all in pain. I am not that woman any more than you are my exMM's wife. I am telling you to realize that you don't know what he was whispering to her about you especially when they were in bed together. You didn't even know that they were in bed together. I am not trying to hurt you. And also to be fair with you, I notice that when I typed, I might have sounded like I was dogging out the wife or being insensitive when I was actually crying all day and trying my hardest to avoid my exMM. When I said barfing, I actually meant that I am barfing NOW because I know that he gave love as if it was a gift that could never be opened. So I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart for typing through my own feelings and not able to proofread. But on the parts that might sound rude, I really wasn't trying to be rude to you as a wife but to that no good for nothing penis that wives like you are married to. You never took the time to read my post. My husband was not in bed with her. It was my BESTFRIEND and she knew exactly how great my marriage was. I even read a text message from her that said oh i guess you are going to go make love to your wife now. You got hurt??? You were playing with fire. What did you expect? You knew he wasn't yours to begin wih.
Author noforgiveness Posted November 19, 2006 Author Posted November 19, 2006 Thank you silktricks and suebee. I do think ls is hurting some more than helping. Especially when i spend time in the oW forum. We had a great night last night. Hopefully we'll continue to have them. He can't try any harder or be any sweeter I guess it's all up to me now.
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