ralph124c Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Hi, me again. My ex called the other day, let it ring twice and hung up. Now she's trying to call my cell phone. Do I just ignore it? We've been NC for just over a week (seem like months), and the whole time I've been pretty emotionally messed up. Even though I'm the one who ended it, I feel so consumed with jealousy, real or imagined (see my previous threads for the back story, and you'll understand that it has nothing to do with my feelings for her, but with her behavioral problems and my co-dependency). She went back and forth so many times about being with this guy, saying she doesn't know how long she can wait before going to him.... then that she probably won't be with anyone until after her studies next year, etc. All probably designed to manipulate me into getting what she wants, trying different tactics etc.... but it's effective! I keep imagining her with someone, and I have no idea what this guy looks like. It's just the thought of them doing things together that we used to do, and I can't help thinking of the particular things, sexual and otherwise. It's masochistic, I know, but I don't know how to stop it. And now she's trying to call. Do I want to know if she's been with him, because maybe it will give me some more closure? Or do I somehow try to convince myself that it just doesn't concern me and is totally irrelevant to my life? I just now got an e-mail from her saying she saw my car and was just wondering how I'm doing. She hasn't seen me around and was 'a little worried' which is why she called. What do I do? Just ignore it? I don't want to reply and then wait for her to reply and start that cycle all over again. I wouldn't know what to reply, either.
Guest Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Hi, me again. My ex called the other day, let it ring twice and hung up. Now she's trying to call my cell phone. Do I just ignore it? We've been NC for just over a week (seem like months), and the whole time I've been pretty emotionally messed up. Even though I'm the one who ended it, I feel so consumed with jealousy, real or imagined (see my previous threads for the back story, and you'll understand that it has nothing to do with my feelings for her, but with her behavioral problems and my co-dependency). She went back and forth so many times about being with this guy, saying she doesn't know how long she can wait before going to him.... then that she probably won't be with anyone until after her studies next year, etc. All probably designed to manipulate me into getting what she wants, trying different tactics etc.... but it's effective! I keep imagining her with someone, and I have no idea what this guy looks like. It's just the thought of them doing things together that we used to do, and I can't help thinking of the particular things, sexual and otherwise. It's masochistic, I know, but I don't know how to stop it. And now she's trying to call. Do I want to know if she's been with him, because maybe it will give me some more closure? Or do I somehow try to convince myself that it just doesn't concern me and is totally irrelevant to my life? I just now got an e-mail from her saying she saw my car and was just wondering how I'm doing. She hasn't seen me around and was 'a little worried' which is why she called. What do I do? Just ignore it? I don't want to reply and then wait for her to reply and start that cycle all over again. I wouldn't know what to reply, either. Stick to no contact. Don't let her see you sweat. You need to get her off your mind and stop imagining all the things she could be doing because it serves no purpose other than to drag you down. And most of those things you are imagining are probably not happening. You already know this chick has issues with her ex and she's confused. If you want her to clear up her mind who she wants the best thing to do is to stay away from her. Let her miss you and remember the good times. In the meantime work on strengthening yourself. You seem to be lacking confidence and self esteem. Don't you think you are worthy? Of course you do so remember that. Be a prize and she will see you as one. Be a doormat by pining over her and she'll never find you attractive.
Author ralph124c Posted November 15, 2006 Author Posted November 15, 2006 Thanks, Guest, but it's not that I'm trying to get her back or waiting for her to choose.... I ended the relationship for various reasons (see my earlier threads if interested in the long, sorry saga!). I'll think about the confidence and self-esteem thing -- you may be right. I know now, though, that she's the one who's not worthy of me! The question about NC and her calls and e-mails was regarding the best way for ME to deal with it as far as coping goes, and not about trying to have some effect on her. She called again tonight and I'm not sure what to do. I hate feeling afraid to answer the phone. Maybe I need to reply just to ask her to respect NC? Or is that just getting sucked back in?
Guest Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Thanks, Guest, but it's not that I'm trying to get her back or waiting for her to choose.... I ended the relationship for various reasons (see my earlier threads if interested in the long, sorry saga!). I'll think about the confidence and self-esteem thing -- you may be right. I know now, though, that she's the one who's not worthy of me! The question about NC and her calls and e-mails was regarding the best way for ME to deal with it as far as coping goes, and not about trying to have some effect on her. She called again tonight and I'm not sure what to do. I hate feeling afraid to answer the phone. Maybe I need to reply just to ask her to respect NC? Or is that just getting sucked back in? The best way to cope with it is to put it out of your mind and remember who you are dealing with. I did read your threads and if you are throughly convinced she is not stable enough to have a healthy relationship then you just have to keep reminding yourself that she is a drug and you have to stop being addicted to her. Hang out with your friends and find ways to occupy your time so that your mind will not be able to drift off into thoughts of her. Like any habit if you constantly work on breaking it you will get over it in due time. It's not easy you just have to be consistent and work at it.
Author ralph124c Posted November 16, 2006 Author Posted November 16, 2006 Yeah, you're right. It really is like drug addiction, and nothing good can come of that either. Quitting smoking was a hell of a lot easier than this! I guess it's just a matter of letting time pass and trying to focus on other, more positive things as you said. I just don't know how to 'detach' from her, and it was the same when we first broke up in the Spring even though that was my decision, too. And I'm still not quite sure what to do about the e-mail and phone calls. I guess the only real options are ignoring it and hoping it will stop, or telling her to stop which is continuing breaking NC.... Thanks.
Ripples Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Ralph, I think if I were you, I'd email her and ask her to respect the NC. I'd also block her email address and the phone numbers that she uses. Infact, I'm surprised that if you're set on NC, you haven't already done this. Are you sure you don't want to get back with her?
Kamille Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 The break up is fairly recent, so I would, like everyone else suggested, stick to NC. But I have kind of been where you are. I was driving myself crazy with 'are they back together' thoughts and a month or so after we split, I contacted the guy to find out whether or not he had gotten back together with his ex. They were trying to figure things out. They'd even gone to Europe together. It set things in perspective for me and helped me let go. It stung at first but in the end I felt it was better to know then to torture myself. Then again I'm not a very jealous person. But in your case, I doubt she would be trying to reach you if she were with that other guy.
Author ralph124c Posted November 16, 2006 Author Posted November 16, 2006 Are you sure you don't want to get back with her? Well, that's not an easy question -- it's like Satan sitting on my shoulder, whipsering 'are you sure you don't want to sell your soul for a quick fix?' Of course I do on some level -- nostalgia and missing some great times, (false) hope that she could change and things could work out, lonliness, etc.... But just don;t see how it could happen in a sane, healthy, stable way. I could even still say I love her, and know she loves me, but it's both in really dysfunctional, unhealthy ways. It all just went so far over the edge, with so many repeated episodes of disrespect, emotional turmoil etc. that I can't see a way. Which means NC is the only other option, I guess, because there's no way I can be 'just friends' with her. I hadn't thought of blocking her numbers and e-mail. Maybe I should. I think I will be pissed off if she's with that guy or not, because either way it's all further demonstration of her selfishness, dishonesty and manipulation. She contradicted herself so many times that anything she says and does at this point would be a lie in some way or other.
Ripples Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 That's very honest of you. Go for the blocking, you can always unblock, but it will give you the time and space you need to continue to see things more objectively. Make a rule for yourself - "I will keep her blocked for n weeks". See how you feel after that time has passed.
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