PAL06 Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I have just broken up with my ex for the second time. We got back together after almost a year, having had contact on and off during that period. We started seeing each other again more as friends, going walking, cycling etc. eventually it became evident that I still wanted more from her, so we decided it was for the best to not see each other again. We text each other a lot that night as it was obvious we were both hurting badly. The next morning she text to say she needed to see me. She came around that evening and said that she'd been in the shower and the thought of not seeing me had sent her into shock. We decided to give it another go..... she has now dumped me again after just one month... although we never argued or there was nothing like jealousy or lack of trust.... it appears the reason for the second break up were the same... there was just something missing for her.... she just thought that we were at different places in our lives... I'm 37 and ready to settle down with the right girl.... she is 30 and very very independent with a very busy social life....she claims that it was the lack of confidence I showed that she did not find attractive... although my belief is that there must have been some physical attraction otherwise the physical and intimate nature of the relationship wouldn't have been how it was..... Stupidly we have chatted twice on MSN this week and have been very comfortable doing so.... but the imbalance as to our views of what a relationship should feel like.... we both admit the intimacy and sexual relationship were great and had similar interests and loved doing them together... but she didn't have the spark... have led to this split again..... My opinion is though that any sign of things getting serious she starts having doubts and runs (at 30 she has not had a relationship of more than 3 months)... or maybe even at 30 she does believe Mr Perfect exists..... I know at 37 I should be more confident with girls (its not something I generally have a problem with in other parts of my life) but I was badly hurt in the past when I found a longterm girlfriend in bed with someone else..... She has dented this further. Any tips to help me overcome this?
Kamille Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 You say you want your confidence back, that which probably means you know how it feels to be confident in relationships. Think about how that feels for you. You've also said that you don't have issues with confidence in other areas of your life. Is it possible that maybe your lack of confidence is partly due to the fact that she's not the one for you? See, I've realized that confidence is a package deal. I used to be like you and feel confident everywhere but in my lovelife. But I've come to realize that it is who I am outside of my relationships that make me attractive in them. But you wanted a tip, here's a really simple one, yes yes I know, very granola one. It doesn't take much time, so you might want to give it a try, even if it sounds like baloney : sit down comfortably, think how it would feel to be confident in a loving relationship (I would try to avoid imagining the relationship to be with your ex), then take 6-12 deep breathes while focusing on this feeling. I do it every day before going to bed. (Usually focusing on feeling good, confident, at peace). It sounds like nothing, but recent developments in bio-chemestry have shown that there is a link between our emotions and our biological make-up. Because of receptors in our cellular structure, we get addicted to the emotions that we feel most often. (As emotions influence our chemical make-up... think of endorphin, estrogen etc). So visualising confidence and happiness will actually boost your confidence - because the brain doesn't distinguish between the emotions you imagine and the ones you feel out there in the "real world". This goes for anyone here trying to cope with negative emotions. Ok that was that for my yogic advice. It works for me because it makes me feel in control of my emotions (even when things do get out of control, I know I have a technique to help me get them back in control).
Guest Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I'll give that a go! The theory behind in came up in a management course I was on last week when dealing with stress and confidence! As to the question is 'she really the one for me?' I thought so otherwise I wouldn't have given it a second go, but I believe she is in a different place in her life to me and that didn't inspire confidence. She has admitted to me that she probably is scared of commitment and this along with her fierce independance probably led to it not working. I am really struggling with it now and it didn't help that we bumped into each other last Friday and she phoned me by accident on my work mobile last night... it just felt so awkward (I may not have answered if I knew it was her, but I don't have her number on that mobile). Trouble is I know she is really struggling with it all too!!
Author PAL06 Posted November 15, 2006 Author Posted November 15, 2006 Oops, that was me, just hadn't logged in hence apperaing as guest
Kamille Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Yeah, it sounds like she's putting you in a tough position. By saying she doesn't feel that spark - she's kind of saying that it's not about you. Yet she probably hopes that there was something you could do to make it better... Hence the confidence comment, which, if anything, is probably counterproductive no? It's like telling someone they look tired. Or angry. It only succeeds in making the person feel more tired or angry... Saying your lack of confidence has something to do with it can only succeed in making you feel even more insecure, no? I also read your post from last April. I agree with you that the two of you are probably not in the same space right now when it comes to what you want in a relationship. It sucks, but unfortunately that's how a lot of them go. Until you find someone great who is available and ready. So lesson to pull from this: 1)don't internalize negative emotions because things are not working out with her. You're not in the same space. She's not ready to feel the spark in an otherwise wonderful relationship. 2)Be sure to be available and ready for when the next love of your life does come along. And relationships that don't work always do a number on our confidence. So walk away from this one. For your own sake.
Author PAL06 Posted November 15, 2006 Author Posted November 15, 2006 She actually only told me about the confidence thing after we broke up again. She said it came across with me doing silly things because I was a 'nervous bundle'. Stupid thing is I remember doing exactly what she was talking about and at the time she told me she found them funny. I agree I need to leave this one behind... it sucks cos I do love her and know there was a hell of a lot between us... we are both as bad as each other at finality!! When we were chatting on MSN last week it felt strange that we could both be silly with each other... like sending silly winks... which she started.... oh well should just take the positives from it and realise as you say we are not in the same space at the moment....
Kamille Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I love LS, I think I'm trying to help others, but really all I keep doing is figuring out stuff that happened in my own life. You remind me a lot of a friend of mine who seems to be in the same situation as you with the woman he feels is the love of his life. I dated him briefly and he did have a tendency to lapse into being a nervous bundle when he was trying to be charming. So I think I understand what she was hinting at. To me it was obvious that this guy had no reason to sell himself short -especially when it came to what he had to offer to a woman. He was smart, sensitive, funny, goodlooking, talented, ambitious...you know, the works. I sort of blamed the complicated relationship with the ex for his lack of confidence, but maybe the lack of confidence existed prior to the complicated relationship with ex. (BTW we did not break off the relationship because of his lack of confidence. We broke it off because we lived in different cities and he was on the rebound and I had thought of the relationship as a summer fling... you know). I think you're doing great by realizing you need to work on your confidence. It's really not that hard. Think of everything you have going for you in all aspects of your life. I have a tendency to focus on work because I'm really good at what I do and I love doing it. I see work as kind of 'my center of power'. This is what I turn too when I'm feeling down in other areas of my life. Unfortunately for work though, I have been feeling pretty great lately...
BrokenSpirit Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I can totally relate to you because Im in a similar boat. The difference is Im still stuck in a relationship that I know in my heart isnt right. Ive allowed him to destroy my self esteem and Ive totally lost my confidence, especially when it comes to him. No matter what I ask for or what I do he has a way of manipulating me to make me feel wrong and feel crazy for even thinking of it and meanwhile Im totally not... Anyways the only thing I can say is Ive been with him for 2 1/2 years back and forth, back and forth and once someone knocks your confidence its not a healthy relationship to be in. Learn from me and the 2 1/2 years Ive wasted with someone that I know in my heart isnt right for me. Im still terrified to walk away and I dont even know why... All I can say is dont waste anymore of your time, your partner should help to make you feel better not tear you down... I think you should focus on the things that do make you feel good and confident and let that pour over into your love life... And Im totally gonna try that suggestion Kamille! =)) Thanx... And you should try it too =))
Author PAL06 Posted November 15, 2006 Author Posted November 15, 2006 Think you hit the nail on the head there about becoming a nervous bundle when trying to be charming...... I don't think I've ever really been that confident with women because I probably try and overdo the charm to try and impress them and its not something that comes to me naturally (although if I just try and be me I probably am to a certain degree) .... just hope this episode hasn't dented it further... as you say concerntrate on something else at the moment, like my work... which shouldn't be too difficult because I have just moved from a technical position more into management... so plenty to work on.... Think this conversation has put things into perspective if nothing else... I know I'll have my ups and downs over the next few weeks but sure I'll work through them... and hopefully come out the other side more positive.... The love for my ex won't go away quickly but I've got to take the positives and all those you mentioned about your friend I know are in me... so there will be some very lucky lady out there somewhere who appreciates a very caring, sensitive guy (I know my ex did) but is also at the same stage as me in their life (and not a commitmentphobe) Thank you,
Kamille Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 To tell you the truth, I found his nervousness charming... So hey, maybe it's even one of the things you've got going for you!
Author PAL06 Posted November 15, 2006 Author Posted November 15, 2006 Hopefully I'll meet someone just like you over here in UK;)
Recommended Posts