the_alchemyst Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 So, it is said that a "typical" 20-year-old guy enjoys a life which revolves around: partying, drinking, smoking, girls, sex, more partying, more drinking, and some more lust. Right? Well, suppose you dated a guy whom you met when he was younger, say 17. This guy was very different--the lifestyle described above simply did not apply to him. Yet, as years passed, he began to associate with different people and was steadily introduced to the lifestyle above, and soon it became the vast part of him. In this case, is it wrong for the girl to not want this? Is it wrong for her to think, "Well, is this is what he wants, he can go ahead, but I refuse to be a part of this; I don't want to be on the backburner for whenever he feels like temporarily settling down." Is it wrong or naive of her to want to look for another guy, perhaps with a lifestyle more similar to hers, and not as flamboyant as this? I'm asking because I was having a discussion with someone from the boards earlier tonight, in which he argued that this behavior is normal and that all this guy wants is for the girl to be the "wifey" and stay at home to welcome him when he got home, tired from his drinking and screwing, and to rub his back, while telling him he loved him. Now, am I wrong for thinking that is unacceptable? Am I an alien for, you know, thinking that a guy should be with a girl and only with that girl, and not be with her while screwing other girls "on the side"? Am I also wrong in thinking that if a girl wants to be with a guy who doesn't drink and maybe doesn't "party" so much, she should be able to try to find that rare figure, instead of sticking around for this guy who supposedly "loves" her, but also wants freedom, space, and variety? I don't understand why what I'm saying is such nonsense. Please explain.
lindya Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I'm asking because I was having a discussion with someone from the boards earlier tonight, in which he argued that this behavior is normal and that all this guy wants is for the girl to be the "wifey" and stay at home to welcome him when he got home, tired from his drinking and screwing, and to rub his back, while telling him he loved him. I wonder how long would anyone be able to maintain respect for a partner who tolerated 100 kinds of **** and responded to it all by delivering a sweet smile and a back massage? More to the point, the sweet little women who tolerate all sorts of crap with a wistful air of martyrdom are often the exact same ones who, when their tolerance level is finally reached, flip most dramatically. People spend a lot of time on this board trying to figure out what the opposite sex want (as if all men and all women want the exact same thing)....but you should never lose sight of who you are and what you want in the business of trying to figure out how to make someone else happy. If you do forget yourself in that way, and try to be some guy's "ideal woman" it's just a recipe for a lot of stored up resentment. In short, what this guy wants would be unacceptable to you (and, I'd say, to a lot of other women). You can't change the outlook of someone who thinks that way. Only life, hard experience and the acquisition of a bit of maturity and wisdom is going to do that. If a guy outlines what he wants and you don't recognise yourself in any of it, it's best to just cut your losses and get out of any situation you're in with him.
Walk Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I'm asking because I was having a discussion with someone from the boards earlier tonight, in which he argued that this behavior is normal and that all this guy wants is for the girl to be the "wifey" and stay at home to welcome him when he got home, tired from his drinking and screwing, and to rub his back, while telling him he loved him. Where on the board was this? Who wouldn't want that? You get to be wild and crazy, have tons of fun, and still get your milk and cookies when you get home. Sounds like the bomb. Begs to question though... Is the guy looking for his mother? Maybe he felt abandoned as a child. He wants the care free childhood he didn't have, with a loving doting mother who will always "be there" when he comes home from play. Product of a disfunctional family and he's looking to recreate the familiar? Perhaps he hates himself, has no self-respect and since no one else will treat him like shyt, he treats others like shyt in an attempt to get them to abuse him? Perhaps he is treating others as he wishes to be treated? Don't let this guy get under your skin Alchemyst. People justify their actions in whatever way they can. No one wants to admit that they are bags o' azzes. If he did admit to that, then he would be forced to confront the issues that cause him to act that way... and if he's boozing and screwign around, chances are he's fighting really hard to avoid those issues. He wants to forget they exist and uses alcohol and strangers to convince him that he doesn't need to confront his issues/problems. And he needs that woman at home to accept him because he can't accept himself. You can't argue with someone who is so obviously running from himself. All you'll get are half baked ideas, and false logic from him. Aruging against stupidiity breads stupid arguments.
KittenMoon Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 A- You're definitely not wrong in what you want, but the reality is that unfortunately a lot of people go through that "partier" stage. Maybe you're like me, who only did the party and booze thing, or like some people, who do the full drink flirt hook up see ya later thing every weekend, or like some of my friends who partied w/o hook ups or drinking... it's different for everyone. But you definitely can't reason people out of the lifestyle. It sucks, but you can't. Many come out of it at some point, choose to be more "settled" like you already are, but when that happens, there's no telling. I can tell you some of the wildest partiers I knew in college definitely settled down afterwards. But again: you definitely can't reason people out of the lifestyle. You can't reason him out of partying, I couldn't reason him out of workaholicism, etc etc etc. Doesn't make anything wrong with you OR them, sadly. They're just different paths.
Guest Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 He doesn't want a gf. He wants a mommy, a maid, and someone to screw if he doesn't happen to score on a night out. In short, extremely immature. Science recently figured out that guy's brains don't fully mature until the guys are in their mid-20s. That might explain some of it. Tell him to come back when he's a grownup.
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