I don't understand him

[ShoeGirl]

He broke up with me 2.5 weeks ago, after 2.5 years, I was furious with him because he had no reason to break up with me, I should have broken up with him if anyone were to do the breaking up... but I soon realized that I was way better off with out him.

 

Since then I have talked to one of his roommates who is a good friend of mine... she asked if we were back together, I asked why she thought that, she said that she went in his room and everything from me is still in it's place, notes I wrote on his white board still there, pictures of me and him are still everywhere, his background on his computer is still me... it's kinda creepy!

 

I have talked to him a few times since then and the last conversation he kept asking me "hypothetical" questions like "what would you do if I kissed you?", "would you ever take me back?", "do you think we will get married?" all of them I told him that he broke up with me and obviously there were reasons for that and that I am not willing to go back to him. He kept asking if I ever would get back together with him and I said well I guess there is some slight possibility but I highly doubt it... mind you I can be very sarcastic. He said that he would still get me a Christmas present and it would probably be the same thing he would have given me if we were still together (which I have heard he was going to buy me a ring... if that is the case why he would still do that... I don't know!!)

 

I just don't understand this... he cheated on me... he lied to me... he broke up with me... and now he thinks we will get back together??

 

Sorry for my venting...

[gonetildecember]

In my opinion either its

 

a) he's toying with the idea of getting back together-especially since you seem to not be bringing it up... he wants to see where you stand on the idea.

 

b) because you don't seem to care about reconciling, he's playing with you- trying to make sure the ball stays in his court

 

the fact that he stil has all your stuff around points to option a. but sometimes its also hard for the dumper- its only been 2 weeks. he could just not be ready to take that 2nd step to clear u completely from his life.

[ShoeGirl]

He never wants me out of his life... he says I will always be his best friend. We are better friends now that we are not together... I don't have a problem being friends with him... but I won't date him again... not now and I doubt I ever will

 

I just don't understand why it is so hard on him... it was his choice to end things... I could understand him doing this if I had ended it but he just confuses me.

[amaysngrace]

I think he's seeing your break-up as more of a break rather than it being final. I believe it's called 'denial'.

 

Maybe secretly he's hoping you'll chase him and beg for him back.

 

Just stay true to yourself and know where YOU'RE coming from, nevermind him.

[ShoeGirl]

I think he's seeing your break-up as more of a break rather than it being final. I believe it's called 'denial'.

 

Maybe secretly he's hoping you'll chase him and beg for him back.

 

Just stay true to yourself and know where YOU'RE coming from, nevermind him.

 

I think your break idea is right on... he has made comments about us taking a break before (like a few months ago) so now that you say that it does make sense. All I know is that I will not get back together with him, I don't care what he says it won't happen.

[D-Lish]

It's also possible that he broke up with you because he didn't feel like he deserved you- because he felt he'd wronged you in enough ways and felt guilty over it. Maybe the idea of a break for him was to clear his conscience so you guys could start over with a clean slate?

 

Boys are silly, they don't think the same way we do...

:-)

 

D

[ShoeGirl]

It's also possible that he broke up with you because he didn't feel like he deserved you- because he felt he'd wronged you in enough ways and felt guilty over it. Maybe the idea of a break for him was to clear his conscience so you guys could start over with a clean slate?

 

Boys are silly, they don't think the same way we do...

:-)

 

D

 

He has been wanting to start over with a clean slate for a while, but I was (and still am) too hurt to just forget everything and start over. He got tired of dealing with me being hurt and decided he wasn't willing to wait for me to deal with everything, so he broke up with me. If he thinks I would go back to all of that, he is wrong... I am finally starting to get better, even though it sucks now I am slowly getting better.

 

He told me a few months ago that I deserved someone better than him, we were still together but I was hurt and he hated hurting me. He told his roommate that he wants to change and be 100x better than he was so that I will get back together with him, but I highly doubt he can change enough for me to be happy because there is so much he did that hurt me. I am content knowing that I will not date him again, that I will have to go on another first date, something that I thought I would never have to do again.

 

What can I do? Not a whole lot, wait and see what happens?

[D-Lish]

Well, unfortunately it's very hard for a person to change. It doesn't mean they can't~ but it's hard. I can use myself as an example, I keep repeating the same patterns in all my relationships- even though I don't wish to and want to change that. There's a big difference between the desire to change and change itself.

 

It doesn't sound like you can forgive him... yet you still hang around a bit.

 

If you were to be completely honest with yourself, what is your ideal outcome to this problem? What I mean is, when it comes down to it, do you still sorta want him back? Or are you content just simply being friends and never having anything more?

 

It sounds like there is a small part of you that is contemplating a reconciliation, even if it's down the road.

 

If you could wave your magic wand and have things be the way you wanted to be right now- how would they be?

[ShoeGirl]

Well, unfortunately it's very hard for a person to change. It doesn't mean they can't~ but it's hard. I can use myself as an example, I keep repeating the same patterns in all my relationships- even though I don't wish to and want to change that. There's a big difference between the desire to change and change itself.

 

It doesn't sound like you can forgive him... yet you still hang around a bit.

 

If you were to be completely honest with yourself, what is your ideal outcome to this problem? What I mean is, when it comes down to it, do you still sorta want him back? Or are you content just simply being friends and never having anything more?

 

It sounds like there is a small part of you that is contemplating a reconciliation, even if it's down the road.

 

If you could wave your magic wand and have things be the way you wanted to be right now- how would they be?

 

There are two ways that I have looked at it:

1. I wish I was over it, that I hadnt wasted most of my college years on him and had done a lot more with friends at school that I didn't do because of him. I wish I was more into my school work and spending less time thinking about him and what he did to me.

 

2. I have thought of how things could have been had he never cheated on me, if he had never lied, etc. I was so happy with him, until I found out about his "other life." Honestly I don't think this a whole lot, but it has crossed my mind. I do miss being happy, he was one person that could always make me happy.

 

Right now I don't want him back because I don't want to get myself hurt anymore. I want to stay friends with him, he knows more about me and what has happened to me during my lifetime than anyone else, even more than my best female friend, and at the same time I know more about him then anyone else, I know there are a lot of things that neither of us has said out loud except to one another. I don't think that we will ever get back together, but I have been asked by a few friends what if questions that have made me think that someday it might happen... I am not counting on it at all.

 

I am still trying to get over it... it has only been just short of three weeks... I don't know what to think. I have way too much going through my head.

[alphamale]

I just don't understand this... he cheated on me... he lied to me... he broke up with me... and now he thinks we will get back together?? ...

oh you'll definately get back with him SG....you know how women love the bad boys. plus, it will then give you another chance to break it off with him instead of him breaking it off with you

[D-Lish]

Three weeks is still fresh. It's no wonder you still have so much spinning around in your head. If I were you I'd find it hard to remain friends at this point.

 

Have you thought about removing yourself from the situation for a while? Give yourself a chance to recover and figure things out?

 

Remaining friends with one another means you'll both be privy to each other's business. DO you want to hear about him dating? Can he handle it if you date?

 

I remained emotionally entangled with my ex husband for a long time after we decided to seperate. We lived apart but spoke almost every day and told each other everything. We had been so incredibly close, so it made sense to do that with one another. Then, one day he phoned me at work in tears... and told me he had gotten a one night stand pregnant.... he went on to describe to me in detail how the condom malfunctioned. I thought remaining friends was a good thing up until then (even though it was so obviously unhealthy) but upon hearing that my world was once again shattered.

 

I guess what I'm trying to convey is that it's hard to stay friends with someone after a break up- especially when it's so fresh. you're not healing or moving on when you're still tangled up in one another's lives.

 

I hear you about the hurting though. Sounds like he disappointed you in the worst way possible. Maybe you need time away from him to process all of that.

 

D

[ShoeGirl]

oh you'll definately get back with him SG....you know how women love the bad boys. plus, it will then give you another chance to break it off with him instead of him breaking it off with you

No, No, No... not going there! Silly Alpha!

[ShoeGirl]

Three weeks is still fresh. It's no wonder you still have so much spinning around in your head. If I were you I'd find it hard to remain friends at this point.

 

Have you thought about removing yourself from the situation for a while? Give yourself a chance to recover and figure things out?

 

Remaining friends with one another means you'll both be privy to each other's business. DO you want to hear about him dating? Can he handle it if you date?

 

I remained emotionally entangled with my ex husband for a long time after we decided to seperate. We lived apart but spoke almost every day and told each other everything. We had been so incredibly close, so it made sense to do that with one another. Then, one day he phoned me at work in tears... and told me he had gotten a one night stand pregnant.... he went on to describe to me in detail how the condom malfunctioned. I thought remaining friends was a good thing up until then (even though it was so obviously unhealthy) but upon hearing that my world was once again shattered.

 

I guess what I'm trying to convey is that it's hard to stay friends with someone after a break up- especially when it's so fresh. you're not healing or moving on when you're still tangled up in one another's lives.

 

I hear you about the hurting though. Sounds like he disappointed you in the worst way possible. Maybe you need time away from him to process all of that.

 

D

 

I know I should distance myself but it is hard, I don't have very many friends here, I am working on it... eventually I will get the courage to tell him I need no contact for a while.

 

I haven't really thought of the dating part, I don't think either of us will for a while, but I guess it is something I should be prepared for.

 

Thanks for all of your advice/thoughts D-Lish!