Krying Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 It's been 5-6 weeks now since my ex left. Each day seems to get better, yet somedays I am still as sad as I've ever been in my life. When people tell you there is someone else out there in the world for you... how does one get excited about that? I've not been in many relationships in my life. All of them have been serious to a certain degree. I'm not the type of person to just date for the sake of it and use that person for whatever I want. Before this relationship, it was many many years since my last one. Now I'm faced with the very real fear that it will be several years before I meet another person I really trust and like. Again, how do you cope with this? I want to be married, I want to be with a person who loves me, is honest and caring. Yet it's always taken me years to find those kind of people. I don't think I can get anymore depressed than I am right now typing this in. Despite all the bad things, I loved my ex. I'm now faced with the pain of not so much leaving that person behind, but realizing it's probably going to take me years to find another. I can't handle this at the moment. Time does heal all, but time also makes things worse. Ask all the women in their late 30s and 40s who never found the love of their life, wanted to get married and have kids, how time healed them. It didn't. They turned bitter. I don't want to end up like that, but I'm starting to feel a little more like that each day.
Teacher's Pet Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 It's been 5-6 weeks now since my ex left. Each day seems to get better, yet somedays I am still as sad as I've ever been in my life. Almost 5 months for me, so I know how you feel... We just all need to stick together here.... -tp still misses his Teacher, right or wrong.
dr strangelove Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Wait a minute that might not make you feel so great.. hmm Well I did have relationships during that time, just none of them stuck.. What interesting is that I realized none of them referred to me as thier boyfriend and I certainly didnt call them my girlfriend. The longest one was 3 months. The last few have maybe been around a month.
Guest Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I've not been in many relationships in my life. All of them have been serious to a certain degree. I'm not the type of person to just date for the sake of it and use that person for whatever I want. I'm that way, too. Again, how do you cope with this? You find enjoyment in life. You are alive and healthy and the world has much to offer. You're only here for so long so it's to you to make the most of it. It's a serious mistake to believe that happiness without someone attached to you is impossible. Far from it. Yet it's always taken me years to find those kind of people. Yes, it's hard to find quality people. But what's the alternative - glom onto a jerk/abuser/addict/generally awful person just to have a warm body in your home? NO WAY!!! but realizing it's probably going to take me years to find another. I can't handle this at the moment. Why are you telling yourself it will take years? It may not. You may meet someone great very soon. You can't possibly predict the future. Ask all the women in their late 30s and 40s who never found the love of their life, wanted to get married and have kids, how time healed them. Do you know many like that? I don't. I don't want to end up like that, but I'm starting to feel a little more like that each day. Now wouldn't it be pointless to waste a perfectly good life by turning in on yourself, spending it pondering the misery of your singlehood? Again, the planet has more to offer than any ten thousand humans can absorb in lifetime, let alone one. Your best use of your life is to make use of your life - find causes that need help and give of yourself. You'll forget all about you. And your destiny will find you.
Spinderella Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 It is early days, and you are still grieving, but try to believe that these things will happen for you. Sometimes if you expect things to be a certain way, then thats all you recognise, and all you live.
Smung Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 ---------------------------------------------------------------- When people tell you there is someone else out there in the world for you... how does one get excited about that? ----------------------------------------------------------------- Hey Krying, Man we have all been there! I just wanted to let you know that I had those feelings too. I was comparing EVERY girl I met to my ex. I was convinced that I would not find another person to share my life with for a LONG time. Doomed!!! to be alone for ages!! Well, that didn't happen. exactly 2 months after my breakup a met a wonderful woman! Wont go into details but if fate can bring a woman like that into my life when all I wanted to do is drink myself into a stupper. Then it can happen for you too. ------------------------------------------------------------------ I'm not the type of person to just date for the sake of it and use that person for whatever I want. -------------------------------------------------------------------- I would look at it a little more positive! You should want to date everyone you meet as you never know if that person is the right one for you, or maybe they have a friend that would be better! The more people you meet the less alone you are! wow, I'm sooo smart! ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Kamille Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I hate being where you are! And I was there precisely two weeks ago. And I might be there again in two weeks, who knows. But right now I'm just a happy single person. I would rather be alone forever then with someone who is not right for me. And will only leave me when I'm in my 50s. Right now I feel like I've finally got my mojo back and it's going to take one hell of a great guy to convince me to fall for him! And that my friends, is a good feeling.
molimo140 Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Kinda brings all of those cliches into mind, eh? Well, they carry more truth than one would think. It takes a long time sometimes to realize, at least does for me, that one needs to just keep doing whatever they like doing, and someday someone will find you -- or vice versa.
Author Krying Posted November 15, 2006 Author Posted November 15, 2006 A few months back I would have agreed with you all 100%. Good things happen to those who wait, and all those sayings. I was a true believer and had been all my life. After my recent relationship breakup however, I still felt like that, but as each day has gone on by, I've come to realize, that not everyone does get the happy ending they so desire. Sure you don't need another person to be happy with your life, but every single thing in this world revolves around either sex, relationships or love. As they say, love is without doubt the key motivator in all of us in this world. I guess I am starting to become bitter. While not jealous of envious of my friends, just about every single one of them got married to wonderful people. Why must my life be such a struggle. I am not violent, I don't drink, and I'm faithful till death. I am what you would call that kind of person women often exclaim there are no more of. Yet my sadness is immense. I've gone from being very active in dating and meeting people to the total opposite and in the end the results are always the same. While I did get closer to being married than ever before with this last relationship, for me in my heart and also my gut feeling, is that it will take several years to get back to that point with someone. Even then I have to find that person first. I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason, it wasn't meant to be, you'll find someone else etc. I believed them all my life, but now I no longer do.
shawn_68 Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Now I'm faced with the very real fear that it will be several years before I meet another person I really trust and like. It really IS a matter of perspective. Believing that "there is no one out there for me" can destroy you emotionally. The truth of the matter is that it is up to you. There are LOTS of available people looking for someone. The trick is of course finding them. Maybe try online dating. Put yourself "out there" in different ways than you have before. If you want someone, you just simply have to KEEP looking. You don't give up. It make take 3 days, 3 weeks, or 3 years. You have no clue what tomorrow brings. Hang in there.
shawn_68 Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason, it wasn't meant to be, you'll find someone else etc. I believed them all my life, but now I no longer do. Just remember that this pespective won't get you anywhere. It only leads to a spiraling downward effect. You don't want to go there. And you don't have to.
Guest Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 As they say, love is without doubt the key motivator in all of us in this world. Actually nobody says that. I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason, it wasn't meant to be, you'll find someone else etc. I believed them all my life, but now I no longer do. Your person is on his way to you. He has to do his growing and you have to do yours before you meet. You can choose to look at all the negatives in life. That will make you miserable, bitter, and no fun to be around - so nobody will be interested in you. OR you can grab hold of your life, live it to the fullest, and be a happy human despite everything. People want to be with happy people so if you choose to continue in your misery mode, you will absolutely fulfil the prophesy you have forecast for yourself. If you can't get out of this slump in a few weeks, go get treated for depression. But in the meantime try some self-CBT - change the way you think about this. Yes, you lost someone but you were clearly not destined to be together so be glad he's gone now and not standing in the way of the person who you are destined to be with.
Diver012 Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 Just remember that this pespective won't get you anywhere. It only leads to a spiraling downward effect. You don't want to go there. And you don't have to. They dont have to be for no reason and in that you are correct. Its how one chooses to react to all of this that matters. I look back on my past relationships as growing experiences. I grew as a person. I am more intouch with who I am and what I want and DONT want in a pontential mate. I was forced to do a little growing up through my past relationship. There are things that are not lost. TO say that what happened had to reason or meaning.. thats foolish. I am a better man, a stronger man because of what I went through. That in it self make what happened worth it. atleast to me...
Spinderella Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 You can choose to look at all the negatives in life. That will make you miserable, bitter, and no fun to be around - so nobody will be interested in you. OR you can grab hold of your life, live it to the fullest, and be a happy human despite everything. People want to be with happy people so if you choose to continue in your misery mode, you will absolutely fulfil the prophesy you have forecast for yourself. If you can't get out of this slump in a few weeks, go get treated for depression. But in the meantime try some self-CBT - change the way you think about this. Yes, you lost someone but you were clearly not destined to be together so be glad he's gone now and not standing in the way of the person who you are destined to be with. Good post. I agree (except that I think the original poster is a heterosexual male). Our thoughts shape our future more than we realise. Start by saying thankyou for all the things you have to be grateful for. I try to do this every morning and every night, even if I initially cant think of anything. Even if you are only saying thankyou for being alive, or thankyou for the beautiful tree outside my window etc. It really works.
Spinderella Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 A few months back I would have agreed with you all 100%. Good things happen to those who wait, and all those sayings. I was a true believer and had been all my life. After my recent relationship breakup however, I still felt like that, but as each day has gone on by, I've come to realize, that not everyone does get the happy ending they so desire. Sure you don't need another person to be happy with your life, but every single thing in this world revolves around either sex, relationships or love. As they say, love is without doubt the key motivator in all of us in this world. Try to be happy without the specifics you desire, without giving up on thinking they are possible. Try to stop thinking of the end result.
Parmalat Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 [COLOR=black]I've read through this forum and though all the advice everyone has given you is really great and applicable, I have to say I understand how you feel. I’ve been single now for 6 years, there has been a few guys that I’ve casually dated out there, but it is just an initial connection that makes you feel hope, within a week or two something goes wrong and that good old non-interest sets in or they just wanted to get lucky, leaving you to feel great sense of loss and sadness.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Someone here said that “some people just don’t get the happy endings” and I have to agree. I live every day to the fullest and I don’t sit around and wait for Mr. Right to show up, I belong to clubs, really starting to collect guy FRIENDS now, tried online dating but the magic life partner is just not coming around and I’m starting to think he might never. Just to side track a little bit, all my friends are married and have children, I do a kick ass baby sitting and have many times been referred to as their favourite aunt. Once not finding someone really bothered me but I think I’m slowly starting to get use to the fact that I might grow old alone, so now I working on creating the urban family thing for geriatric support. [/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I understand this is a very pessimistic post, but sometime you just need to hear that there are people out there that feel the same and are in the same situation.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I understand your feelings, know that you are not alone and that hopefully you’ll create a group of other people, friends, colleagues that will support you while you grow older.[/COLOR] All the best, and good luck out there.
Parmalat Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 I've read through this forum and though all the advice everyone has given you is really great and applicable, I have to say I understand how you feel. I’ve been single now for 6 years, there has been a few guys that I’ve casually dated out there, but it is just an initial connection that makes you feel hope, within a week or two something goes wrong and that good old non-interest sets in or they just wanted to get lucky, leaving you to feel great sense of loss and sadness. Someone here said that “some people just don’t get the happy endings” and I have to agree. I live every day to the fullest and I don’t sit around and wait for Mr. Right to show up, I belong to clubs, really starting to collect guy FRIENDS now, tried online dating but the magic life partner is just not coming around and I’m starting to think he might never. Just to side track a little bit, all my friends are married and have children, I do a kick ass baby sitting and have many times been referred to as their favourite aunt. Once not finding someone really bothered me but I think I’m slowly starting to get use to the fact that I might grow old alone, so now I working on creating the urban family thing for geriatric support. I understand this is a very pessimistic post, but sometime you just need to hear that there are people out there that feel the same and are in the same situation. I understand your feelings, know that you are not alone and that hopefully you’ll create a group of other people, friends, colleagues that will support you while you grow older.[/COLOR] All the best, and good luck out there.
Author Krying Posted November 17, 2006 Author Posted November 17, 2006 I have to thank everyone for the nice words said. I've always been a positive thinking person and an optimist in life. Always. However this recent relationship pain is truly something I've not experienced in this fashion before. Simply being told to think positive is falling on deaf ears at the moment. I know in time I will be better, happier and my outlook on life will improve. But a part of me seems so totally lost now. I've never felt this way before. I honestly feel at this stage that I might never find the person I am meant to be with. Far from being negative, I feel that is in fact more realistic than the notion we will all find true and lasting love. We are all searching for that. I know I am. Yet, wanting something and actually achieving it are often worlds apart. I also agree you do not need another person to make you happy. I was happier and more content than at anytime in my life during this relationship. You could say my ex bought the best out of me and things were elevated to a higher level. That is now all gone. I hope to find it again with another person, but simply pretending to be positive and not feeling it in your heart isn't going to make it happen.
Recommended Posts