Guest Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 This is a little bit of a mess. I've been in a relationship for close to 4 years, I'm now 20 and he's 22. So basically I've been in this serious relationship since I was 16, which looking back on is so young to dive in so deep. Now I'm in my 3rd year of university, I'm really growing into an assertive young woman and my emotions have taken a drastic turn. From Dec-April of last year I basically felt like I had fallen out of love. For 4months I stewed over this feeling, not wanting to make a horrible mistake, trying to make it work etc. Eventually I called it off, it was hard and after a few weeks I gave in to him. Days after I realized it was a mistake, I needed to stick to my gut feeling and give myself time to figure out what I really wanted, so I ended it again... only to get back together a few weeks later. I really had a hard time with the guilt, and worrying about his feelings. They took precedence over mine. So we've been back together since May or so? Things were ok, and still are. The honey moon period through the first year+ we were dating hasn't returned, the excitement is still gone. My problem is, when I broke up with him before I missed him terribly, and my emotions come and go in waves. For a few weeks, I'm feeling really optimistic about things, I start feeling like this is fine, and what I want, the sex gets decent again (at best), and I coast. Then all of a sudden it crashes, usually for a very small reason, or none at all. I begin to question myself, but stick it through, I've tossed him around far too much. Recently for maybe close to a month things were going really well. I had come to the conclusion that I had definitely fallen out of love, but I was really sold that I was falling for him again. Things went really well... and then I met a guy. We're still no more than acquaintances, but I have a really big crush on him, and since admitting this, I've felt really horribly about my boyfriend, like I'm back where I was last year. I feel like I'm not in love with him, but I'm extremely worried its only because of this crush, and that its probably something that will fizzle out. What should I do? Should I even have these crushes I can't get off my mind when I'm in such a serious relationship... is that basically a sign? Or do I need to push through and wait to see if that euphoric feeling comes back? bah....
D-Lish Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Want some insight from an old lady? I'll give you some anyway.... You're young. You're in a transitional period of your life (one of many), this being an important discovery period. It's a time where you start realizing potentials~ in yourself, your relationships and your impending career. It's both an exciting and confusing time. Okay~ the honeymoon period.... it never comes back, not in the way we want it to. The latter part of a romantic relationship is more about comfort and familiarity. You can do things to recharge the romantic batteries, but you can't reclaim the excitement of the first year when you were getting to know each other and falling madly in love. Love changes, it progresses. But you're at a time in your life when you are changing and progressing too. You're probably caught between the familiarity of your old life and love, and your impending future and what that might hold. You know what it sounds like? You want to go out and discover new things and find out what life has to offer. It also sounds like your relationship somehow holds you back from that. When I look back to where I was at your age (I'm in my 30's now...shhhhh), I realize how much different I am now. I was still figuring things out back then, trying to find out who I was and how I related and fit in to the world. I've been in and out of love many times since then. If you're having crushes on other people, you should take a breather from your bf and go out and experience other things, figure out how you truly feel. I understand you might feel guilty for wanting to do this, but it's probably important for you to do it. Are you afraid of being alone? If you are, don't be. It's an empowering experience to face adult life alone for periods of time. That is how you truly grow- when you get to know yourself. Don't feel guilty for wanting to chase opportunities. There are plenty of them waiting out there for you. I'm not trying to sound condescending by bringing up your age, I'm just trying to let you know, I've been there. I dated someone from the age of 18-22... and I let him go when I went away to school because I realized he stiffled me and he was never going to be the love of my life. Experience life a bit as a single woman, it's fun and worthwhile. Don't stay with someone because you are afraid of being alone or don't want to hurt them... you have to do what is best for you. D
dropdeadlegs Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Wow, I don't think I could say it better than D-Lish already has. I'm not sure i have much to offer, but here's my addition. I am even older, 42, and a grandma today to boot! What I have learned about love, and again I have had many loves, is that when it's real, you do not desire anyone else. So I have not had a crush on anyone in many years, inside of a relationship anyway. During my first marriage I did have crushes and ultimately that marriage ended. That was in my late 20's (the end) and I subsequently got married again. I did not experience crushes in that marriage, but did after that marriage ended in my late 30's. I have been with my current love for over two years, have no plans for marriage, but also can't imagine "crushing" on anyone while being in a relationship at this point. I believe that crushes are an indicator of the health of the relationship. My second marriage was not healthy, but maybe HE had crushes for all I know. I do know that my current relationship feels more real and important to me than either marriage, even if marriage is not spoken of. I do not knock marriage, I believe in it yet don't require it. For me a relationship free of duplicity, and lived on most levels singularly, is working for me. He still makes me feel great on most levels but it's not the same as when we experienced the "honeymoon" stage you mentioned. That period was raw, sexual, and very lustful. I know that what we have now is better and far beyond that. It's honeymoon plus. It's not wanting or even imagining being intimate nor sexual with someone else. And that is so pleasurable in so many ways. Your forties really are the best years (at least so far!) Okay, for me anyway. You have many decisions to make. I hope yours are good ones as I still believe you can find and sustain a great love at an early age. I hope this one is yours, but if it's not, I can also guaranty there will be more to come. Each love makes you grow. Good luck with this one.
Guest Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 wow, thank you both for the insight, and Congratulations on the new addition! I can't believe how fitting all of your comments were. Reply #1 sums up a lot of what I have been feeling down to the last letter, and Reply #2 really ratified what I've feared these crushes meant. I had never crushed, and basically scoffed at the idea during the first 2+ years of this relationship. I can't say I'm looking forward to having to go through this break up scene again. I hope I can. Its going to kill me seeing him hurt like this again. And I have a terrible feeling he's going to be angry this time around. But I really do feel stifled, and I'm anxious to just have time to myself whether it be to 'play the fields' or really make a huge focus on my school work. Thanks again.... I couldn't have asked for better advice.
D-Lish Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I think it's been the guilt that has kept you in the relationship.... and that will just lead you to resent him if you stay with him. It's about making the healthy choice for you at this point. The break up will be hard, but you'll get through it. SOunds like you have a lot to keep you busy and focused on other things! Good luck, D
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