WHY they fell in love with me!

[puddleofmud]

If you want someone like that than go for it. If I could find him I'd drive him to where ever you are and give him to you!

I find no value in your reponse whatsoever--do you just lurk around to make people feel bad? Sorry, you didn't accomplish your aim.

[yousaveme]

puddleofmud, I'm glad that you have found your self esteem and are moving on. You do deserve better. I understand that your post is about you and what you have to offer and I wish you well.

 

yousaveme, hey, how are you? I haven't been here in a while, things got busy, but I'm herenow!

 

I'm not being mean, but I don't think the "You make me feel alive" thing is good for you. My H said this and we spent an hour on it in MC. What I learned about the "alive" feeling is that it's not a comment about you, the OW, it's about the MM and how he feels about himself. He needs something extra to make him feel alive. It's like his addiction. This is the same problem an alcoholic has. Or the drug addict that needs a fix to feel alive. If you were ever to become a couple, he would still need that something extra to feel "alive". He has his own problems that need to be fixed before he can be happy with anyone including his wife or you. Just a warning, this comment is very telling about your MM.

 

 

Hey, there...Im fine

 

I can see where you get that idea. When he first said that to me i wonder exactly what he meant by it. And i questioned it.. When we talked about what he really meant i learned alot about him. It was one of our very open convos and i am glad we had it..

So when he says that i know exactly what he means by it..

 

I was very distrusting with him in the beginning , and im sure he was with me..Lets face it neither of us were model partners in our relationships..I have cheated before and so has he. We talk alot about things and that has brought a lot of trust between us. We understand eachother, he knows me probably better than anyone and he has said the same about me.

 

I thank you , for looking out for me with what he might have meant. But that thought crossed my mind the first time he said it and i wanted to nip that in the bud right away before i became so invested in me and him that i couldnt get out.

[herenow]

Hey, there...Im fine

 

I can see where you get that idea. When he first said that to me i wonder exactly what he meant by it. And i questioned it.. When we talked about what he really meant i learned alot about him. It was one of our very open convos and i am glad we had it..

So when he says that i know exactly what he means by it..

 

I was very distrusting with him in the beginning , and im sure he was with me..Lets face it neither of us were model partners in our relationships..I have cheated before and so has he. We talk alot about things and that has brought a lot of trust between us. We understand eachother, he knows me probably better than anyone and he has said the same about me.

 

I thank you , for looking out for me with what he might have meant. But that thought crossed my mind the first time he said it and i wanted to nip that in the bud right away before i became so invested in me and him that i couldnt get out.

 

Just be aware that his comments to you are very common with MM that will never be able to commit. The "staying for the kids" thing is another example. If you have read some of the stories here (and I know you have) you know how many MM say this and never leave.

 

I know you say it's different with you, but when you add the "alive" comment, it sounds very familiar.

[frannie]

I'm just wondering: if MM are supposedly so commitment-phobic, how did they manage to get married in the first place? I really don't think this point of view makes a lot of sense.

[yousaveme]

Just be aware that his comments to you are very common with MM that will never be able to commit. The "staying for the kids" thing is another example. If you have read some of the stories here (and I know you have) you know how many MM say this and never leave.

 

I know you say it's different with you, but when you add the "alive" comment, it sounds very familiar.

 

 

I know..trust me things have floated around my mind and floated right out my mouth in his direction...I have always thought i had a good head on my shoulders so i try and look for the signs..Is he messing with me? stuff

 

But since we got caught i look at certain things and thats why i have said it is different. I think that if things would have gone differently when we got caught i would say i was lied to and i was a total fool. But its the little things sometimes that show us a big light. ( I hope i am making sense here). Im trying to make sense of our relationship to you...

[BenThereDunThat]

I'm just wondering: if MM are supposedly so commitment-phobic, how did they manage to get married in the first place? I really don't think this point of view makes a lot of sense.

 

I agree. I don't think it's the commitment issue at all. Obviously it will vary from MM to MM but I'm seeing a few common traits:

 

--Fragile egos (they get a rush out of being able to impress a woman again.)

 

--Lack of respect for women in general -- interestingly, though, these are also the men that are very good at making you think that they love women. I'm learning the exact opposite is true. They may even have a deep fear of women.

 

--Control issues. They need something, anything, in their lives that they have complete control over.

 

--Fear of growing old.

[herenow]

I'm just wondering: if MM are supposedly so commitment-phobic, how did they manage to get married in the first place? I really don't think this point of view makes a lot of sense.

 

Just because someone is married doesn't mean they are committed. A MM that cheats is not committed to his marriage.

[Ripples]

I agree. I don't think it's the commitment issue at all. Obviously it will vary from MM to MM but I'm seeing a few common traits:

 

--Fragile egos (they get a rush out of being able to impress a woman again.)

 

--Lack of respect for women in general -- interestingly, though, these are also the men that are very good at making you think that they love women. I'm learning the exact opposite is true. They may even have a deep fear of women.

 

--Control issues. They need something, anything, in their lives that they have complete control over.

 

--Fear of growing old.

 

 

Oh yes, I can so see all of those things being true.

 

That lack of respect thing, I so hope that isn't true, but it's something I've suspected and I'm downright scared that it may be the case. Hopefully it's connected to the fragile ego and is something that can be resolved...

 

Sorry, I guess this is off topic a bit.

 

Back on topic, PoM, I understand that you didn't know he was married and when you found out it must have been an absolute blow. I've experienced something a tiny bit similar. Fortunately it didn't get very far. I'm very glad that you haven't allowed this experience to undermine your self-esteem. Do you feel that maybe it's a mistake to focus on why he loved you rather than why you are loveable?

[Ripples]

Just because someone is married doesn't mean they are committed. A MM that cheats is not committed to his marriage.

 

Maybe no one's emotions and desires stay static. Maybe some WSes are committed at the time of their marriage, but, like everything else, commitment can change.

[herenow]

Maybe no one's emotions and desires stay static. Maybe some WSes are committed at the time of their marriage, but, like everything else, commitment can change.

 

Yes, I agree there are men that are committed when they get married, but no matter what, a MM that cheats is not committed to his marriage anymore.

 

However, there are people who get married and are never truly committed to the relationship. There are many cases of MM who stay with their wives after an affair and believe that they are committed and will never cheat again, and low and behold they do. These men, although they are married, have trouble with commitment. They are the nightmare of every W, BW and OW. This is a hugh issue for me as I continue to try and make my M work. I want to be as sure as I can that this won't happen again.

[lighthouse]

If you are so wonderful, why isnt he with you?

 

?? :eek:

Guest maybe PoM decided that she deserved better.

Is this a real question?

lighthouse

[Spinderella]

If you are so wonderful, why isnt he with you?

The trouble with this kind of reasoning, is that it can be applied both ways, AND, unfortunately, often is. i.e The wife must have something wrong with her for the MM to stray, the OW must have something wrong with her for the MM to stay (married). If you apply this reasoning one way, you probably apply it the other too, and it wouldnt make you feel too good about yourself. The reality is, that the reason MM has an affair and remains married too, is unlikely anything to do with either woman, but a feeling of lack within MM himself, and a fear of facing up to problems head on.

[herenow]

The trouble with this kind of reasoning, is that it can be applied both ways, AND, unfortunately, often is. i.e The wife must have something wrong with her for the MM to stray, the OW must have something wrong with her for the MM to stay (married). If you apply this reasoning one way, you probably apply it the other too, and it wouldnt make you feel too good about yourself. The reality is, that the reason MM has an affair and remains married too, is unlikely anything to do with either woman, but a feeling of lack within MM himself, and a fear of facing up to problems head on.

 

This is so true. Usually an affair is not about the wife or the OW, but something lacking in the MM. The truth is, a MM that cheats is showing disrespect for the W, OW and himself.

 

An OW that says a MM is being honest and committed to her is just as foolish as a W that stays with a cheating husband. The key is to find the underlying problem and fix it before the MM moves on either with the W or the OW.

 

To move on in a marriage without acknowledging and working on the problem will only result in history repeating itself and the same goes for an OW that winds up with the MM. Believe me, if he is cheating on his wife, he is not the perfect guy.

[puddleofmud]

Oh yes, I can so see all of those things being true.

 

That lack of respect thing, I so hope that isn't true, but it's something I've suspected and I'm downright scared that it may be the case. Hopefully it's connected to the fragile ego and is something that can be resolved...

 

Sorry, I guess this is off topic a bit.

 

Back on topic, PoM, I understand that you didn't know he was married and when you found out it must have been an absolute blow. I've experienced something a tiny bit similar. Fortunately it didn't get very far. I'm very glad that you haven't allowed this experience to undermine your self-esteem. Do you feel that maybe it's a mistake to focus on why he loved you rather than why you are loveable?

 

Sorry if I mis-named the thread but that is exactly what I meant--why I consider valuable about myself. I couldn't care less why he may have been in love w/ me--because (and the point I was trying to making earlier)--is that his love was not "love" at all, as far as I am concerned.

Anyone who lies, manipulates and betrays people has no idea what love is or how to love, PERIOD.

 

And please, please everyone stop thinking of comparing yourself to the other person: W or OW. That is not what this should be about--it's about moving on with YOUR life with yourself in tact.

 

I find it hard to believe that especially a wife would have a problem with the OW turning her back and walking away. I guess perhaps we should all just evaporate instead! That is another thing I like about myself: I have a wicked sense of humor!

[NoIDidn't]

I knew this thread was going to take the turn that it did, but that happened because of the very first post. The implication is that the OW is so much more exciting than the W. Also, and I know its because it is on this forum, but only OWs were addressed as being wonderful.

 

I know that this wasn't your intent, but is definitely the way that a W is going to take it. From the standpoint of the person the guy made the commitment to, the implication is actually quite insulting. But, like I said, from your later post, it appears that wasn't your intent.

 

As far as the MM fear of commitment thing, he isn't commitment phobic - he simply is not committed to the OW. She is his no commitment R. PoM found out about her MM's M because he revealed where his commitment lay (not at all that he is acting like he is commited to his W, mind you).

 

Yousaveme, the comment about you making him feel alive is very telling. If indeed you did get this man to leave his M, he will in fact look for something else to make him feel alive as the novelty wears off. Be careful, if not just walk away from this guy. For however long it takes, this will not end well for you (even if you get him) unless his deals with his demons first.

[frannie]

Sorry if I mis-named the thread but that is exactly what I meant--why I consider valuable about myself. I couldn't care less why he may have been in love w/ me--because (and the point I was trying to making earlier)--is that his love was not "love" at all, as far as I am concerned.

Anyone who lies, manipulates and betrays people has no idea what love is or how to love, PERIOD.

 

And please, please everyone stop thinking of comparing yourself to the other person: W or OW. That is not what this should be about--it's about moving on with YOUR life with yourself in tact.

 

I was confused by the aim of the thread. I talked about why I thought MM fell in love with me. And yes he does love me, I'm sure of that. Whether he lies to his wife or is 'betraying' her, I'm sure he knows how to love and he loves me, because I can see it from how he acts, how he reacts, and how this has changed over the 2 and a half years I've known him.

 

I don't ever compare myself to his W. I know next to nothing about her, and I don't make a habit of ever comparing myself to other people whatever the situation.

 

I didn't realise at first that this was a thread about moving on (haven't been closely following the stories here and so I wasn't aware what your aims might be), but I'm not moving on. I don't need a man in my life, but I do appreciate him being in my life.

[frannie]

I knew this thread was going to take the turn that it did, but that happened because of the very first post. The implication is that the OW is so much more exciting than the W. Also, and I know its because it is on this forum, but only OWs were addressed as being wonderful.

 

I know that this wasn't your intent, but is definitely the way that a W is going to take it. From the standpoint of the person the guy made the commitment to, the implication is actually quite insulting. But, like I said, from your later post, it appears that wasn't your intent.

 

As far as the MM fear of commitment thing, he isn't commitment phobic - he simply is not committed to the OW. She is his no commitment R. PoM found out about her MM's M because he revealed where his commitment lay (not at all that he is acting like he is commited to his W, mind you).

 

I didn't imply that I'm more exciting than his W. I talked about completely different things, in fact. Quite mundane things by comparison to some posts.

 

I questioned the idea that a MM can't be commitment-phobic... because I think that's just odd thinking. I think there's a lot of generalising and making of assumptions on this thread, and on this forum in general.

 

Any MM in an affair is not fully committed at that moment to any woman. That doesn't mean that he has an issue with commitment.

[herenow]

I didn't imply that I'm more exciting than his W. I talked about completely different things, in fact. Quite mundane things by comparison to some posts.

 

I questioned the idea that a MM can't be commitment-phobic... because I think that's just odd thinking. I think there's a lot of generalising and making of assumptions on this thread, and on this forum in general.

 

Any MM in an affair is not fully committed at that moment to any woman. That doesn't mean that he has an issue with commitment.

 

I'm not sure if you are talking to me or not, but if you are, I'm not generalizing. I'm referring to a specific type of MM. I brought it up to yousaveme because of the comment her MM made about feeling alive. This type of MM will always be looking for his next fix and will never be completely committed until he deals with his own problems whatever they may be. He may be dealing with them already, only he knows that for sure.

[herenow]

Yousaveme, the comment about you making him feel alive is very telling. If indeed you did get this man to leave his M, he will in fact look for something else to make him feel alive as the novelty wears off. Be careful, if not just walk away from this guy. For however long it takes, this will not end well for you (even if you get him) unless his deals with his demons first.

 

Exactly what I was saying. This MM has an addiction and it won't be long until he looks for his next fix.

[Guest]

The OW wants to believe that the MM doesn't have a commitment problem because they think that some day he will be committed to them.

Hey there OW, I have some swamp property for sale that I'm sure you will like.

[pricillia]

If you are so wonderful, why isnt he with you?

 

that was a little mean... Women should celebrate eachother and our strenghts, not shoot someone down when they are trying to get over something. She is realizing what she has to offer a single man and she is getting in touch with all her greatness.

 

Has anyone ever read the guide to being a girl genuis, it is how women should give credit where credit is due and not be jealous ect ect.

[herenow]

that was a little mean... Women should celebrate eachother and our strengths, not shoot someone down when they are trying to get over something. She is realizing what she has to offer a single man and she is getting in touch with all her greatness.

 

Has anyone ever read the guide to being a girl genuis, it is how women should give credit where credit is due and not be jealous ect ect.

 

I couldn't agree with you more. Women should celebrate each other and our strengths. Part of that should be not sleeping with each others husbands. If we respected each other, we would be able to say no to a MM no matter how hard he tried to get us to have sex with him.

 

Having said that, I do applaud anyone who is able to move on from an affair and learn from their mistake.

[Ripples]

Yes, I agree there are men that are committed when they get married, but no matter what, a MM that cheats is not committed to his marriage anymore.

Actually, I think that's a bit too black and white. I don't, personally, feel that there are absolutes in relationships or in emotions. Also, I believe that men's emotions are quite different to women's. I feel that it's pretty difficult to make such an definitive judgement.

 

For the record, I have been cheated on and I'm still with my cheater.

 

However, there are people who get married and are never truly committed to the relationship. There are many cases of MM who stay with their wives after an affair and believe that they are committed and will never cheat again, and low and behold they do. These men, although they are married, have trouble with commitment. They are the nightmare of every W, BW and OW. This is a hugh issue for me as I continue to try and make my M work. I want to be as sure as I can that this won't happen again.

Sure, I agree that there are some men (and women) who seem to find it impossible to commit in a love relationship. I think it's important to try to bear in mind that not all men are like this and no man is like this all the time. For instance, a man can't commit to a woman, but he still commits to his work, his car, his friends, his sport, his dog.

 

Sorry if I mis-named the thread but that is exactly what I meant--why I consider valuable about myself.

Right, it was easy to misunderstand your intention as you specifically list what your ex loved about you, rather than what you love about you.

 

I couldn't care less why he may have been in love w/ me--

Ok, well, that point, again, was hard to understand just from reading your first post.

 

I find it hard to believe that especially a wife would have a problem with the OW turning her back and walking away. I guess perhaps we should all just evaporate instead! That is another thing I like about myself: I have a wicked sense of humor!

 

Comments like those won't, I should imagine, endear you to many BSes.

 

For instance, I, personally, wanted the OW (women, not woman) to die painful and horrible deaths after my partner had told them to 'go **** themselves'. Them just turning their backs and walking away wasn't justice at all, as far as I was concerned.

 

I knew this thread was going to take the turn that it did' date=' but that happened because of the very first post. The implication is that the OW is so much more exciting than the W. Also, and I know its because it is on this forum, but only OWs were addressed as being wonderful.[/quote']Yeah, spot on.

[Spinderella]

I knew this thread was going to take the turn that it did, but that happened because of the very first post. The implication is that the OW is so much more exciting than the W. Also, and I know its because it is on this forum, but only OWs were addressed as being wonderful.

 

 

Actually I disagree, I don't think that is the implication at all. At least, that is not how I personally took it. Then again, I am not a BS, although I have been cheated on a fair few times in the past.

[NoIDidn't]

Actually I disagree, I don't think that is the implication at all. At least, that is not how I personally took it. Then again, I am not a BS, although I have been cheated on a fair few times in the past.

 

Spin,

 

Its just the way that everything was worded. Plus with this being the OW/OM forum, its almost a typical attitude of the "others". That they are better than everyone else and that is why some married jerk fell for them. But it really doesn't matter what I think.

 

I am glad that she is reclaiming her self respect. I had to do the same after my H EA. But I don't feel the need to flaunt it on an internet board (not saying that it was a bad thing, sometimes it helps to put it in print). It just seemed that it was braggy and not sincere self-love. Its the constant use of "he fell...with my....". Self love is more like

 

-I am a genuine person

-I am an adventurous person

and so on.

 

Reclaiming yourself starts with the ME, MYSELF, and I - not with He or Them or She. Just pointing out why I felt that way about the way the post started. Not trying to down the original poster. That's just what I saw. Because whether my H or any other man agrees, its what **I** feel about myself that matters far more than anything they can think. You know, they can, and do, fall out of love just as easily.