Possibley ending 5 yrs because of Online Game(long)

[Guest]

Hi all,

I've been living with my boyfriend for almost 5 years, and for a long time I thought we had much in common. We both enjoy photography, spending time outdoors/camping, going to hockey games, hunting/fishing. But over the last year, things have changed.

 

Last December he bought an online game, called City of Heroes (it's a multi-player online action game). We both started playing, and I must admit it was pretty fun during the cold winter months.

 

When summer came, I stopped playing. I just wasn't interested anymore, and realized that instead of staying at home all day playing a game, I could be out & about doing the things I love...taking pictures, competeing in fishing tournaments, etc. He continued to play, and moved on to another game, World of Warcraft (another online multi-player game).

 

I admit, I played the game myself a few times, and it was fun...but in my opinion it requires too much player to player dedication to keep up with.

 

Now here we are. For the last 4 months I feel like I haven't even been in a relationship. I come home from work, and there he is playing the game...sure, he'll come over, give me a kiss, and then it's right back to the computer for hrs on end. I sit in the living room watching t.v. everynight by myself, while he's 20 feet away in the spare bedroom talking to his guild (group he plays with) all night. I go to bed alone at night, he usually follows 2-4 hrs later.

 

For the last 3.5 months he's been laid-off work, so all he does is play the game (10 hrs+ a day). You would think being cooped up in the house would make him want to get out & do something. But no, he declines invites to hang out with friends & go to hockey games (they are free, my dad has season tickets) just so he can continue to stay home & play the game.

 

2 months ago I got fed up with his behavior, he's not very social to begin with, but he's killing the small friendships we did have because of this game...not only that, but our relationship. I told him he needs to cut down on playing, or not play at all if this was to continue. He stopped playing for 2 days to prove his dedication...yet here we are, right back where we were.

 

If we separated/broke up today, i honestly wouldn't feel bad or shed a tear. As cold as that may sound, I have spent so much time alone, it really wouldn't make a difference. When I talk to him, I might as well be talking to a wall, he's so engrossed in the game he doesn't hear a word out of my mouth. I used to confide in him, tell him about a crappy day at work, share everything with him. He doesn't listen anymore, so I share everything with co-workers & friends instead.

 

I've already told him how un-healthy this game is to our relationship & our friendships. Yet it seemed he chose the game.

 

Has anyone dealt with this? How did it end?

[whichwayisup]

Maybe he needs to realize that he's gonna end up alone if he continues to play online basically 24/7. He's addicted!!!

 

IF he isn't willing to change, get outside, see friends, be a part of your life and take interest in you, then break up with him. This isn't fair to you!

 

The other thing is, him losing his job and now not working isn't helping, it's made it worse, which makes me think he's having some depression and turning to the game is the only thing he feels good doing. Ask him to stop, get some help professionally, whether you two stay together or not, he needs help! Geez, maybe an intervention is what is needed!

[rainfall]

There is nothing wrong with enjoying an online game. However from your post it sounds like your boyfriend takes to an unhealthy extreme. You could try to suggest he spends xnumber of nights playing the game and xnumber of night a week hanging out with you and/or friends. Eventually all online games no matter how fun or how much new stuff there is coming out lose the excitment. (At least most of the time...... I know there are people who will never get bored with a certain game.)

 

I play the game (world of warcraft) with my boyfriend so I can kind of understand how addictive it can be. I can understand the desire to want to do certain in game things. That being said I still manage to find plently of time for real life hobbies and activities. I still hang out with my friends a few nights a week, get A's and B's in all my classes, work part-time, and go to the gym 5-6 days a week.

 

Hoefully if you talk to your boyfriend and let him know how his extreme playtime is hurting you and your relationship he will change.

[Guest]

Do a search on "world of warcraft" addiction. Apparently it's a huge problem! There are sites specifically devoted to it!

[confusedgeek]

Wow, no one here plays video games? I felt like a need to respond to this post.

 

I come from working in the video game industry where games are the life. Sometimes, there is too much, but it seems reasonable from what information you posted.

 

I mean you've played city of heroes, so of course you know what an online game is like. I have played that game as well.

 

It isnt simply a game, there are real people behind those characters. You literally "play" and talk with them for hours and hours on end. It isnt just a game but a way of talking with people along with playing a game. Relationships also build and sometimes you meet those people who play those games in real life. I've met some of those people who play those zany heroes in person.

 

Not to mention, if you have a voice setup, you can talk to other people while playing the game.

 

It is simply a game. There are also benefits. You said yourself he hasnt had a job for 3.5 months. Playing a video games saves quite a bit of $$$. $10-$15 dollars a month + electricity is a heck of a lot cheaper than going out with friends every day.

 

Playing a game is just another hobby. A hardcore gamer is no different than a hardcore exerciser (fake word).

 

While I can understand his point of view quite well, Im also trying to understand your feelings as well. Just talk to the guy and let him know.

 

If you dont care about him anymore, then there is no relationship.

 

- ConfusedGeek

[climbergirl]

Wow, no one here plays video games? I felt like a need to respond to this post.

 

I come from working in the video game industry where games are the life. Sometimes, there is too much, but it seems reasonable from what information you posted.

 

I mean you've played city of heroes, so of course you know what an online game is like. I have played that game as well.

 

It isnt simply a game, there are real people behind those characters. You literally "play" and talk with them for hours and hours on end. It isnt just a game but a way of talking with people along with playing a game. Relationships also build and sometimes you meet those people who play those games in real life. I've met some of those people who play those zany heroes in person.

 

Not to mention, if you have a voice setup, you can talk to other people while playing the game.

 

It is simply a game. There are also benefits. You said yourself he hasnt had a job for 3.5 months. Playing a video games saves quite a bit of $$$. $10-$15 dollars a month + electricity is a heck of a lot cheaper than going out with friends every day.

 

Playing a game is just another hobby. A hardcore gamer is no different than a hardcore exerciser (fake word).

 

While I can understand his point of view quite well, Im also trying to understand your feelings as well. Just talk to the guy and let him know.

 

If you dont care about him anymore, then there is no relationship.

 

- ConfusedGeek

 

I don't agree that his playing that amount of time is reasonable by any stretch-most people have sh*t to do and can't dedicate that much time. Besides which, video games are only one of two things I can think of that absolutely tunes out your immediate surroundings- and obviously he's tuning out his relationship. He's got a 'real' person right in front of him.

 

I have purposely stayed away from online and most RPG's (PC and other systems) because I know how time consuming and addicting they can be-there's no way I have the time for that. But I can understand how a person can get to this point-you lose track of time. Ten hours seems like 2.

 

If you don't care about him....get out of the relationship. But if you still want it to work out, suggest a different game genre that isn't so consuming, such as a two player, first person shooter where you can take breaks after a level, as RPG's don't give you a break in the game (and that's why he loses track of time).

 

Once you are into gaming, it's pretty impossible to stop loving them, but a person can be weaned from playing so much.

 

Hope this made sense........I need more coffee.

[dgiirl]

lol my exh and i use to be part of the gaming world. We were very popular and most of our 8 year married life was online in each of our respective rooms of the house. Sad but true.

 

confusedgeek, it is a HUGE problem and i feel you are slightly biased because you work in the industry. When people are spending the majority of their lives online instead of interacting with their families and spouses, it's a problem. Yes, games are fun. And those who live with gamers could be more understanding, but the gamers also need to give a little. If the girlfriend feels neglected, then it's time to put the games away. It's as simple as that.

[simon_uk]

If we separated/broke up today, i honestly wouldn't feel bad or shed a tear. As cold as that may sound, I have spent so much time alone, it really wouldn't make a difference.

 

Well that says a lot really. If you wouldnt feel bad or shed a tear is there really a realtionship left?

 

So if he stopped playing would your feelings for him immediately revert back to what they were? Unlikely.

 

Think you have a choice to make, stay or go.

 

But I would advise you to think long and hard about your decision. I can guarantee it will come as a complete shock to him because he really wont realise the damage he is doing.

 

Time for an ultimatum and a strong one that you mean.

 

Good Luck

[bab]

When he gets up to go to the bathroom, open this thread on his computer and leave the room.

[rainfall]

Wow, no one here plays video games? I felt like a need to respond to this post.

 

I come from working in the video game industry where games are the life. Sometimes, there is too much, but it seems reasonable from what information you posted.

 

I mean you've played city of heroes, so of course you know what an online game is like. I have played that game as well.

 

It isnt simply a game, there are real people behind those characters. You literally "play" and talk with them for hours and hours on end. It isnt just a game but a way of talking with people along with playing a game. Relationships also build and sometimes you meet those people who play those games in real life. I've met some of those people who play those zany heroes in person.

 

Not to mention, if you have a voice setup, you can talk to other people while playing the game.

 

It is simply a game. There are also benefits. You said yourself he hasnt had a job for 3.5 months. Playing a video games saves quite a bit of $$$. $10-$15 dollars a month + electricity is a heck of a lot cheaper than going out with friends every day.

 

Playing a game is just another hobby. A hardcore gamer is no different than a hardcore exerciser (fake word).

 

While I can understand his point of view quite well, Im also trying to understand your feelings as well. Just talk to the guy and let him know.

 

If you dont care about him anymore, then there is no relationship.

 

- ConfusedGeek

I play the game and I understand exactly where her boyfriend is coming from with wanting to play. There does come to be a point though when you play too much and the game takes over you life. Real life is more important then video games, and when the game starts having a negative effect on your real life it is time to look and see if playing the game is worth losing certain things.

[confusedgeek]

Im defending this guy somewhat because he found a hobby he likes to do. Which is playing video games. You can play games and do your responsibilities at the same time.

 

But at the same time, I visit loveshack.org and see this post. I see someone who has having trouble with a relationship because he is spending time doing something they like to do.

 

I definitely agree that real life is more important than a video game. I am also aware that I may be a little bit biased since I work in this industry.

 

But the one complaining here, isnt me, it is the original poster. Video games is a hobby, like everything else. The one here to blame is significant other/boyfriend, and not the game.

 

The girlfriend here is feeling neglected because he found something interesting to do. She already stated her feelings on the subject.

And I think that is all there is to it.

 

Hypothetically, if I had a girlfriend who didnt like me for playing video games, I would never have went out with her in the first place. Still, Im pretty happy to have a girlfriend whom im going to visit in two weeks. She is fine with the fact I play games for fun.

 

Oh, by the way, I wouldnt consider playing online games together for 8 years as waste of time. You two must of been happy playing together during that time.

 

Conversing with people online through a medium like a game or message board is no different from conversing with people in real life.

 

Oh, look at that, look at the time fly as im posting here =)

 

- ConfusedGeek

[Guest]

Im defending this guy somewhat because he found a hobby he likes to do. Which is playing video games. You can play games and do your responsibilities at the same time.

 

But he isn't. He's not working. He doesn't go out. He's letting the game take over his life. That's a very bad sign.

 

Hypothetically, if I had a girlfriend who didnt like me for playing video games, I would never have went out with her in the first place. Still, Im pretty happy to have a girlfriend whom im going to visit in two weeks. She is fine with the fact I play games for fun.

 

It's one thing to 'play games for fun' and quite another to have no 'fun' except being glued to a computer all day every day. If you think I'm wrong, you may be in denial about your own problem.

 

Conversing with people online through a medium like a game or message board is no different from conversing with people in real life.

 

If you do nothing but that, that too is a problem.

 

 

Oh, look at that, look at the time fly as im posting here =)

 

- ConfusedGeek

 

Yes and people get addicted to message boards too.

[lovelorcet]

I used to play a lot of online RPG so I have a little insight into how addicting they can be. The way you describe it I think he does have an addiction and you need to handle this like an addiction. I would suggest an intervention and make him stop playing cold turkey. If he lost his job and is just sitting around all day playing then he has a lot to do to get his life back on track.

 

If you really do care for him, I would say give him a chance to realize that he has a problem and the chance to correct it.

[simon_uk]

 

Conversing with people online through a medium like a game or message board is no different from conversing with people in real life.

 

- ConfusedGeek

 

Are you sure about that?

[Walk]

All I could think when I read through her initial post is "He lost his job and he's effin' around with video games all day?!?!" He needs to be out pounding the pavement looking for a new job.

 

He could very well be depressed... But I bet he wouldnt' be if he was actually doing something constructive with his life. And unless he's independently wealthy, who's paying the bills while he's unemployed sitting on his butt all day? If it's Guest, and it's been three months and several conversations already... I'd stick a note on the monitor saying "If you want to be a part of my life, then do so. Otherwise, we're through."

 

Anyway... if he's not contributing to the relationship, to the bills, to your emotional or physical needs, then you need to end the relationship. I am assuming you've talked to him several times already, with no changes in the situation. It's been three months, he's had his chances. Cut him loose and live your life. No reason for you to be sitting in misery because he can't be bothered to drag himself away from a game. Addiction or not. He has ultimate choice over how he lives his life. He can either confront the problem, or succumb to it. And it seems that he has choosen to succumb. Maybe losing his gf and a place to live will wake him up to reality.

[dgiirl]

Oh, by the way, I wouldnt consider playing online games together for 8 years as waste of time. You two must of been happy playing together during that time.

 

What together? We grew further and further apart because of it. We had no life outside of the game. We spent very little quality time offline. All our vacations were centered around lans. It was pathetic. When I first moved in with him, I never played games. I started having the same feelings as the OP. My ex said I should join him. So I did. That was a huge mistake. Instead of having him make time for me, I bended to accomodate his playing. And I kept bending and bending and bending. I should never have done it in the first place. It just setup the pattern for our relationship. I would have prefered to end the relationship sooner than waste 8 years on a dead marriage. Then HE met someone else, started chatting with her online and then had an affair with her. For years he escaped into the game instead of talking to me about the problems he had, and I had no clue because everything seemed normal.

 

I understand where you are coming from. The reason why you are defending "the game". It's against the universal code for gamers to blame the game. And yes, the game itself, is indeed innocent. If it was just sitting in the box not doing anything, it wouldnt be the problem. Of COURSE it's the user's problem. But clearly, in this case, the gf is feeling neglected. And it's his choice to decide which is more important to him.

 

I'm sad, but not surprised, that you would pick the game over your gf. And I hope one day you wont wake up and and be disheartened by all the time you've wasted away online where you could have been doing other things. I understand the culture, the community, the friendships, the addiction. It's just sad that the majority of my friends are online in places that I'd probably never see, people i'd never meet. If i had put the same amount of effort in my real life, I would have been a lot happier.

[simon_uk]

And I hope one day you wont wake up and and be disheartened by all the time you've wasted away online where you could have been doing other things.

 

Like making love with your girlfriend instead of your joystick and talking to people you know nothing about.

 

I play online games myself occasionally but I would much rather be playing with my girlfriend.

[Guest]

YES, girl, YES I have been there.

 

I moved in with this wonderful man after years of being together, we were gonna get married, the whole bit.

 

2 months after we shacked up he got Anarchy Online. Never played before.

 

I barely saw him after that.

 

I talked to him about it. I begged and pleaded with him to spend a little time away from the game. I got jealous of the freakin' game. This went on for a YEAR. He didn't change. It's an addiction.

 

And then I left. And I couldn't be happier.

 

He threw away his computer after I left. Too little too late.

 

Now I have a guy who would rather spend time with me in reality than random strangers in non-reality.

 

And I couldn't be happier.

 

Get the hell out while you still can. And don't feel bad about it at all. This is not normal, this is not okay, and no matter what you deserve better than this crap.

[confusedgeek]

Im truly sorry for the original poster. And also dgiirl who also went through this trouble. For losing someone who is/was important to a hobby.

 

Still, I find it hard to believe that being on a game for such a long time and consider it a waste. There was something there to keep people interested. It is like watching TV, doing a job you like, etc. There is something there that is fun.

 

I spent lots of time around computers and its parts. School, College, Work.

Working around games is my life. I will not give it up because it is who i am and that defines me. I found a work environment and a lifestyle that works for me. If my girlfriend couldnt understand that, then that is her loss.

 

Oh, and of course, I believe everything I think is correct and I will continue to believe it.

 

Playing games is such as $$$ saver. For $20-50 dollar game, it keeps a person busy for a long period of time while looking for a job. While some people argue they can search for a job, there is still downtime as your handing resumes out. There is not much you can do during those long downtimes. Nothing really. You can keep searching, that also too burns a person out.

 

Thats it for me today, work calls.

 

- ConfusedGeek

[Pendawn]

Im truly sorry for the original poster. And also dgiirl who also went through this trouble. For losing someone who is/was important to a hobby.

 

Still, I find it hard to believe that being on a game for such a long time and consider it a waste. There was something there to keep people interested. It is like watching TV, doing a job you like, etc. There is something there that is fun.

 

I spent lots of time around computers and its parts. School, College, Work.

Working around games is my life. I will not give it up because it is who i am and that defines me. I found a work environment and a lifestyle that works for me. If my girlfriend couldnt understand that, then that is her loss.

 

Oh, and of course, I believe everything I think is correct and I will continue to believe it.

 

Playing games is such as $$$ saver. For $20-50 dollar game, it keeps a person busy for a long period of time while looking for a job. While some people argue they can search for a job, there is still downtime as your handing resumes out. There is not much you can do during those long downtimes. Nothing really. You can keep searching, that also too burns a person out.

 

Thats it for me today, work calls.

 

- ConfusedGeek

 

 

I don't think anyone is saying there is anything wrong in enjoying and spending time playing a game, you are being too defensive over that. The problem is THE AMOUNT OF TIME spent doing it. It's exactly the same if the OP had become a golf widow or a baseball widow.

 

If her bf took up a sport, and at first they played it together but then he was going out and playing 10 hours a day, with friends, alone, or watching it on TV. That behaviour would be totally unacceptable. The fact he is in the house makes no difference because when you are totally absorbed into something you may as well be in a different place. Also when someone is OUT doing a hobby, when they come home you generally have at least an "in" where they are not currently doing it so you can get their attention before they are asborbed into it again. With a game, you don't have that, they can go from bed to game in a second and NEVER let it leave their mind.

 

Games are great, playing games is a great hobby. My bf is a pretty obsessed gamer himsefl. BUT he still sees his friends and goes out and doens't have to be polayign agmes every moment he's at home. He never plays when I'm around - obviously that would be different if we lived together, but there would still have to be time when the computer was off and our focus was one each other.

 

That is what everyone is saying, and why if you had a gf it wouldn't be a case of her not liking games but her not liking NEVER having your sole attention because of a hobby. No-one is asking anyone to give up playing a game but to have it in perspective as with any part of life - if you spend 10 hours a day doing ANYTHING (except sleeping!) then it means your life is out of balance nad needs correcting. The OP's bf should be spending time lookign for work, spend time with her, spend time away from the computer with friends, spend time keeping fit and spend time playing his game. The fact he's only doing 2 thing on the list shows he's got an unhealthy preoccupation with it, to the exclusion of his relationshiop.

[Guest]

Thanks everyone for your imput.

 

Here's what's happened since my post. I told him I was tired of it (again). Believe me, I have no problem with him having a hobby, but I woud at least like it to be a "constructive" hobby. For example, things he used to like to do before the game- take pictures, work on remote control cars/boats, go fishing.

 

Basically, all those things he had a "passion" for before, have now all taken second seat to the game.

 

Anyhow, 2 weeks ago, I was done...I guess I lied, cuz I shed many many tears thinking this would be easy. It wasn't. I left for 4 days & stayed with my parents...it was hard, but I broke it off with him.

 

4 days into the breakup he called & begged me back, said he would "sell" his account & be done with it. That was fine, he said he would get back into some of his old hobbies. I came back. Then a few days later he asks permission to play the game 2-3 days a week while i was at work only. So I told him he could play if he "has to" but only when I am gone at work.

 

So, here I sit by myself. He's back up to "full" force of playing, when we "could" be enjoying a t.v. show together. Maybe thats my fault for giving permission- but the understanding was "while i was at work", not when i get home.

 

I just don't get it..obviousley the game is more important, and that really saddens me.

[whichwayisup]

Guess you need to end it again and see what happens.

 

HE is the one with the problem that has gotten out of control. Gaming can be fun, but he is letting it ruin his life. This is more than "just enjoying" a game, he's completely taken in by it and nothing else matters.

 

Can I ask? Why are you letting him play right now...You say you're sitting alone, and he's playing. WHY not just go in, talk to him and ask him to go out and do something. It's not your fault you gave him permission, but it sort of is your fault for letting him play while you're sitting alone.

 

Sounds like he needs a reality check again...

[Walk]

I think you did the correct thing by comprimising with him on the game playing. However, he's taking complete advantage of the offer you extended, and used it to manipulate things his way again. Maybe not intentionally on his part, but the effect is still the same.

 

Keep kicking his butt. He'll either get tired of you constantly enforcing your boundaries and he'll leave, or he'll figure out that the game is ruining his chance at happiness with you.

 

I think you should go in the room he's playing in, and without saying a single word pull the power cord out of the wall. Then walk out of the room.

 

He'll be pissed. But it's not like you were having a jolly ol' good time with him anyway. If it's bad enough that you had to leave him to get him to even offer to change his ways.. then trying to "talk" to him again isn't going to work. Besides, you could state your point pretty damn eloquently by just pulling the plug on his game and walking out of the room.

[jerbear]

I have to agree with walk on this one. Pull the plug and let him be a naughty 5 year old with a temper tantrum.

 

Another question is, why is he not working or doing something else other than gaming for 10 hours while you work?

 

Seems he is addicted to gaming and forgettig about real life.

 

I would have suggested joining him in the game. It goes counter intuitive but in this cause it would actually make matters worse.

[CardPlay3r]

Rite. It's definitely an addiction to him...that game is his life!! He's probably at the point where the cyberworld IS the real world to him, and you OP along with everything else feels like something weird and out of place to him.

 

Don't think there is much you can do...just leave him...whatever you say to him will go through a ear and out the other.

 

confusedgeek...playing games as a hobby is one thing, quite another when a certain game becomes your whole life.

 

I can only imagine what game addiction will become when virtual reality becomes advanced enough that the human senses will be tricked completely and one couldn't tell the difference between the 'real' and 'game' world...