Trashed Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 alright so. i'd like to start off to say i'm not permiscuous. but there's an "exception" when i'm caught in the moment. this guy named nick and i started talking on MySpace about a week ago. out of being spontaneous... we meet up. i come to his house... and we talk for a little while. he suggests that we cuddle or whatever. so we do. then he makes a move by kissing me. then it turns into making out. soon it leads to everything but.. the next day things are somewhat odd. you know how people can sense when things are odd? well thats what happened. NOTE: he's suggested that he wants a relationship possibly with me.. he's been really sweet with me. he's mentioned me in his about me. i know he's not a "playa" considering what it says in his about me... anyways.. here are some of the messages we wrote to eachother when things got weird... ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: [COLOR=#0000ff]Love Always, Rachel[/COLOR] Date: Nov 13 2006 6:45 PM did i do something wrong? = / ---------------------------------------------------- noo. its just like were going kinda fast ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: [COLOR=#0000ff]Love Always, Rachel[/COLOR] Date: Nov 13 2006 7:25 PM should i just give you space or something? i don't want to crowd you... and i feel like i'm messaging too much. ----------------------------------------------------- kinda.. like i think we started too fast and stuff and i feel bad ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: [COLOR=#0000ff]Love Always, Rachel[/COLOR] Date: Nov 13 2006 7:31 PM don't feel bad. just... don't worry about it. i mean... if you like me enough right? then this one thing shouldn't really matter. it's not a huge deal to me.. but it might be to you. i just don't want you to drop me out of nowhere.. that scares me. i'm sorry... i'm not a slut but i contradicted that last night. =( but if what i say counts... i think you're a good guy overall. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: [COLOR=#0000ff]Nicky Poo[/COLOR] Date: Nov 13 2006 7:33 PM thanks ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: [COLOR=#0000ff]"fashion♥bug"[/COLOR] Date: Nov 13 2006 7:36 PM i still have a question though... are we still down for thursday or is that totally bombed at this point.. i really hate this. i don't want to scare you off. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: [COLOR=#0000ff]Nicky Poo[/COLOR] Date: Nov 13 2006 7:41 PM i cant thursday going out to dinner ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: [COLOR=#0000ff]Love Always, Rachel[/COLOR] Date: Nov 13 2006 7:44 PM ok. thats cool i probably can't i just remembered i have work. eh alright. any days this week or..? i mean if you don't want to chill just tell me straight up. straight forward is best to me. --------------------------------------------------- ill tell you when i know hat days **************************************** my idea is is that he just wanted a hook-up. i'm basically expecting the worst. opinions? feedback? constructive criticism? anything? i'm kinda bummed. and i feel gross.. for what happened. :'(
MadDog Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 99% of th time, if a guy hooks up with a girl the way he did with you, he's looking for another notch on his belt. What kind of guy gets a girl in bed on the first meeting and is actually going for a relationship? MD
kandygirl Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I'm sorry things happened so fast for you guys. Sometimes it's hard when you get into somthing new and you're really attracted to the person right off. Believe me, I'm in a relationship that's a few weeks old and it's hard for me and him also. What I think is that you should give him some time to think. A few days...Maybe even a week or so. Then WHEN and IF he messages you back, suggest you two start fresh. Start over from the day you left your place to go to his. Go over there, sit and watch movies, talk, or whatever. Get to know eachother in person. See if you two are really compatable before you do anything else. It's what I've done and it has worked so far Then, if it's ment to be things will just start to happen naturally
Author Trashed Posted November 15, 2006 Author Posted November 15, 2006 THANKS SOOO MUCH 4 THE FEEDBACK. =) on another note.... i forgot to mention... that even after we did this... he mentioned going out with me. he says he wants to pursue a relationship with me, but wants to get to know me. i've talked to a few other people about this... it seems the percentage of the answers are half and half. i asked a couple guys and a couple girls. i have this feeling in my gut... that he isn't a player like that. i can figure out people quickly in that respect. on a second note, i made the move with the actions we did... he didn't... i think he wanted to respect me by not going against my wishes of modesty... but we got caught in the moment. soo... those were a few things that i left out. if anything i should have been the person looking for another notch in their belt. more feedback now with this new information? no... these are the facts. i'm not making it up to make myself feel better. it's not good to be in la la land.
Kamille Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I understand wanting to take things slow at first when you're dating someone, if only because in my case, I have a tendency to have an emotional rection after sex. And I think you freaked out because you did too. But you did nothing wrong by having sex. You got carried away in the moment, he got carried away in the moment which probably means the moment was good. I think the thing you did wrong was to ask him if anything was wrong... You were probably feeling vulnerable because of the sudden emotional upsurge and started doubting something that the two of you enjoyed. It would have been best for you to stay away from him when you felt like this. Fret it over with a friend.
Author Trashed Posted November 16, 2006 Author Posted November 16, 2006 the only reason i asked if there was anything wrong was because... i got a vibe that made me feel like something wasn't right. i can sense things. do you think he got scared? or overwhelmed? i mean... i have a gut feeling he likes me and all b/c he said somethings that made me think there's a possibility... like he was dropping hints in a suave way.
Kamille Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 I don't doubt that you could sense something was different. I think it is how you reacted to the difference that might have made him feel overwhelmed. Ok, imagine another scenario. The day after you wake up and feel that you might have moved too fast. Maybe he worries about it too, probably because he's afraid it will make you feel vulnerable - and emotionally attached or whatever goes through a guy's head after the first time with someone they're dating. Instead of you turning to him for reassurance that everything is all right, you go to the gym, go chat with a friend, go rockclimbing whatever you like doing. In short, you let him deal with his hesitations as you deal with yours. The next time you contact him it's to say: hey, I had a great day yesterday and I did this and I did that, how was your day? Pouf, his hesitations all gone. Now he thinks you're a great chick. I know it's too late for that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you should own up and manage your own vulnerability before approaching him, especially at the beginning of a relationship. So my suggestion would be for you to do that right now. Get busy, go do something fun you enjoy doing so that when he does get in touch with you, you have loads of stuff to talk about and you've stopped feeling like you've messed up and you need him to reassure you.
Walk Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 ----------------- Original Message ----------------- Date: Nov 13 2006 6:45 PM did i do something wrong? = / ---------------------------------------------------- noo. its just like were going kinda fast ----------------- Original Message ----------------- Date: Nov 13 2006 7:25 PM should i just give you space or something? i don't want to crowd you... and i feel like i'm messaging too much. ----------------------------------------------------- kinda.. like i think we started too fast and stuff and i feel bad I thought you were doing great here. You expressed yourself, and he replied with how he felt. There was communication going on.... Then this (below) You just verbally vomited on him. Spilled your guts... I understand where you're coming from in wanting to tell him all this stuff.. but I know from experience that what a guy reads is in bold below... ----------------- Original Message ----------------- Date: Nov 13 2006 7:31 PM don't feel bad. just... don't worry about it. i mean... if you like me enough right? then this one thing shouldn't really matter. it's not a huge deal to me.. but it might be to you. You should know right now that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. i just don't want you to drop me out of nowhere.. that scares me. I have issues and I'm co-dependent i'm sorry... i'm not a slut but i contradicted that last night. =( I have issues with sex. I regret last night. but if what i say counts... i think you're a good guy overall. He then shuts down. Stops communicating. One word answer. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- Date: Nov 13 2006 7:33 PM thanks You told him above that you didn't want to crowd him, but then you want to nail down the next date. You want him to commit to seeing you again... but you want to give him space... I think you're intent was good. But you didn't follow through with it. You kept pressuring him for time, and a firm commitment to see you again. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- Date: Nov 13 2006 7:36 PM i still have a question though... are we still down for thursday or is that totally bombed at this point.. i really hate this. i don't want to scare you off. Which he declines. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- Date: Nov 13 2006 7:41 PM i cant thursday going out to dinner So at first you respond that it's no big deal. No pressure. Don't worry about it, etc... But then you go straight back to pressuring him to decide right now. It just seems really... back and forth between implying that he has to decide this minute and then saying you don't want to pressure him.. then to how if he doens't like you to just tell you. It comes off sounding a bit crazy... And I'm not saying you are crazy, or that you even meant this stuff to sound this way. I would've probably said everything you did, in exactly the same way. You want a straight answer and some decisive plan... not this lingering "some day" maybe idea that he's trying to give you. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- Date: Nov 13 2006 7:44 PM ok. thats cool i probably can't i just remembered i have work. eh alright. any days this week or..? i mean if you don't want to chill just tell me straight up. straight forward is best to me. And again... he's backed way off. Being vague and unclear on what his plans are... --------------------------------------------------- ill tell you when i know hat days Anyway.. My point is, you expressed yourself but didn't clearly define what you wanted. Is it to give him space and time? Or to nail down the next date? He is also attempting to protect himself from being vulnerable or getting hurt, so he's going to over react to smaller things. People just do at the beginning of relationships. We don't know the other person. We don't know if they really are crazy and just telling us they aren't. He doesn't know if you will really respect his need for space, or if you're just saying that... so your actions and words have to be the same. Figure out what message you want to send before you talk to him again. If you really don't want to pressure him, then make sure you don't do it.
D-Lish Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 You're not going to want to hear this... but I think it's pretty valid. 99% of my male friends have told me that they wouldn't want a relationship with someone they slept with on a first date. It takes the challenge and mystery out of things. There's also images running through their head that maybe "if she did that with me...she does that with everyone". That's not an assault on what you decided to do, it's just a little insight that I myself have learned over the years. It's a ridiculous double standard... That doesn't mean you can't take a step backward and start over...but you can't pressure at this point. Wait for him to come to terms with what happened and let him reach out to you. You can correct this if you just pull back and give him space. You're both a little vulnerable right now, perhaps even a bit freaked out. Step back and take a deep breath. And don't worry about what happened that night. If you do hook up with him again, just make sure you let him get to know YOU and what you're all about. But agree with him that things went a little fast and wait a while before sleeping with him again. Just play it cool girl... let him reach out to you. Good luck! D
hindsfeet Posted November 16, 2006 Posted November 16, 2006 whats your myspace.... nah im just kidding. on a serious note, though give it time and space. learn from it and think on what happened. guys do better when you shoot straight. so keep being straight. take time. and give it time. life is way too short to spend your days trying to undo something you did on a whim. -hindsfeet
Author Trashed Posted November 18, 2006 Author Posted November 18, 2006 once again. thank you for the feedback. it's very much appreciated. i kinda acted on impulse by telling him point blank how i really feel instead of being all sketchy and wishy washy. i wrote him a reasonably long message... not talking in circles. i made all my points, they make sense. ..to me at least. i overall explained to him that if you really feel that you don't want to pursue anything... then don't write me back... just don't lead me on. and if you really want to pursue something... and you will want time... then i'll give it to you... but i won't wait forever. here's a few things from it... ...i mean... it's not like we've had a relationship... but what we did was EXTREMELY intimate for our first time of knowing eachother. i regret it. because now you think that i'm something i'm not. and first impressions are so hard to erase. ...if you don't reply.. i'll take it as you don't want to talk to me... and you want me to leave you alone... then i'll leave you alone forever if that's what you want. or if you say you need time to think it over... and you need to digest what i've said... (AS IF it could affect you.. i wish it would...) then i'll give you a certain extent of time [for myself]... remember... i don't have forever and i can't wait for someone forever. ...but i think you might be worth to wait for a smallish longish time... idk if that made sense but w/e. soo.. that's some parts of it. i probably went to far... but maybe not. i didn't get all emotional.. just straight to the point it took a long time to write it out but he did say a one liner thing.. but that's not unusual for him everytime i've written things in some length with my rambling he doesn't really have much to say. but when we've talked on the phone... it's different. so he said.. "hey im sorry i just need a little time<3" TRANSLATION: "go away crazy girl" or basically what he said... is that just truth? i mean... i told him not to say anything if he didn't want me to talk or bother him anymore.. if he didn't want anything.. he wouldn't have said anything. oh god i'm just confusing myself... thank god i have school a job and friends to keep my crazy ass busy.
Mary3 Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 If you * ever * wanted a relationship with this man prior to having sex then you just killed that idea. Men don't see you as relationship material if you sleep with them when first meeting. You came over to his house / or he yours and you had just met and then had sex . Guys feel that * come on over * ( for a first time date ) means * come on over so we can play around *. Sounds like he wanted sex and he got what he wanted. Alot of people on Myspace use that as a quick dating device. I have the page and I don't take it seriously. I have alot of bands on there. I have over a 1.000 friends but have only met one man on there. That was 2 years ago. Some are guys I knew who joined that I have dated previously. The point is : If he used MYspace to meet girls and have quick sex then he accomplished his goal.
crazy_grl Posted November 18, 2006 Posted November 18, 2006 If you * ever * wanted a relationship with this man prior to having sex then you just killed that idea. Men don't see you as relationship material if you sleep with them when first meeting. I don't think it was the having sex that killed the chances. I think it was this: i wrote him a reasonably long message... not talking in circles. i made all my points, they make sense. Trashed, I realize it makes sense to tell him how you feel, but it's too early to be saying these kinds of things. I've written guys things with a similar tone before too, so I can tell you from experience that it's a mistake. At this point you two aren't even in a relationship, and you're putting a lot of thought and importance into what he thinks of you. It makes you seem desperate, among other things. Stop worrying about how you look to some guy you barely know. You know that you're not some slut who sleeps around. If he decides to judge you based on a double standard and doesn't want to be with your for it, then that's his problem.
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