jjmac Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I posted this in another thread, but I'm starting a new one since it's a new breakup apparently, lol... She broke up with me about 2 months ago, we were together for 9 months... She broke up based on her not being, "sure," she was ready for something so serious... She ended it saying, "I just need time to think." Plus we never exchanged the, "ILU," comments, and that was another issue for her as she was scared of the day I said it, she said she wasn't ready to say it. I gave her the time, let her make the phone calls... about 3 weeks into the breakup she started calling alot and wanting to hang out, I did a few times... I was also talking to someone new at the time... On the 4th week she invited me over and said she wanted to come back... I told her I needed a little time to think about that, a day or so passed and I agreed it'd be nice to try again... So I told the other girl I was talking to my ex again and we should just keep things on a friendship level, she was fine with it. I went back to my ex and told her, "if you're 100% serious, and have no doubt this is what you want, I'll try again," She was happy and agreed. So things were great for about 3 weeks being back with my ex when last night she says, "do you think things are going well?" I said, "well I figured things would need to go slow for a while, I didn't expect us to be 100% in a month." The convo evolved into her still not being able to fully commit again, and she said, "It's hard being with you because you treat me so well, but I don't feel I can treat you the same." I was pretty upset as I asked her, "are you sure you want to be back," 3 weeks ago and she said yes, only to do the exact same thing again... I told her, "are you sure?" "she said right now I think it's best." So I walked out of her apartment... I got halfway to my car when I realized I still had keys to her apartment which would lead to another conversation, so I go back, I get to the door and it just opens, she's there crying... We hug for a bit, then I say, "I came to give you your keys." She cried a little more, I was getting emotional too. Then I said, "bye." I couldn't help myself, I wrote her an email when I got home saying pretty much how lame it was she came back only to do the same thing again and how upset I was, and for her to just leave me alone... I get an IM this morning saying she got the email and she feels horrible but she just feels it's something she has to do right now... I don't really know why I'm posting this as even if she wanted to try for a 3rd go at it, I'd never do it... but what do you guys think?? I guess my real question is... she always ends things in terms of relationships 6 months into them... 2 years ago her father died, and she can't tell me she loves me... We had the best time with one another, best friends things were honestly perfect... when it got to the point of being, "serious," she jumped ship... Could the loss of the father have something to do with this?? I wish I could understand what's going on in her head...
Art_Critic Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I get an IM this morning saying she got the email and she feels horrible but she just feels it's something she has to do right now... The cold hard truth behind the " it feels like something I need to do " is that she wants to do some other guy.. Hopefully you will get some closure from her IM.. she isn't into you as much as you are into her and has moved on or is trying too. Losing a father can make someone do some things that they wouldn't normaly do but it still doesn't mean that if her father had not have died that you would be together
Author jjmac Posted November 14, 2006 Author Posted November 14, 2006 The cold hard truth behind the " it feels like something I need to do " is that she wants to do some other guy.. Hopefully you will get some closure from her IM.. she isn't into you as much as you are into her and has moved on or is trying too. Losing a father can make someone do some things that they wouldn't normaly do but it still doesn't mean that if her father had not have died that you would be together Yes it's not a new guy however. This is always my first assumption, we simply spend too much time together, and she works too many hours for it to be... I strait up asked her, "at least tell me it's another guy!" and she said flat out, "it's not another guy I'd tell you." I asked a little more and she said, "no it really isn't, I'd tell you." I even told her about the girl I was talking to on and off during the break and this still didn't bait her into telling me about another guy... She just simply either won't admit it, or really isn't seeing anyone else... If it were another guy I don't think she'd have come back in the first place... She's just not the whorish type... I've been with those types for years, and this just isn't her... Although if you are right, and it is another guy, that would be ideal, as it'd make some sense, but I just dont see when she'd have the time to do it as we spent almost every night together and we both work all day... As for her father... I sometimes feel she's scared to love another man in her life, perhaps the risk of losing him? I don't know... I just tried to imagine what it would be like if I lost my mother, and I know I'd be real messed up for a while. Eh, it's over now, like I said even if she contacts me saying she loves me, won the lottory for 800 kabillon dollars, and wants another go of it, I'd prob pass, seems like it'd just keep happening over and over again... Figured I'd leave this to the forum to pick apart so in the future if someone finds themself in a similar situation they'll know they're not alone.
laRubiaBonita Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 maybe she is scared to be totally heart broken and devistated by losing someone again, so she will not allow herself to become too emotionally involved.
Author jjmac Posted November 14, 2006 Author Posted November 14, 2006 maybe she is scared to be totally heart broken and devistated by losing someone again, so she will not allow herself to become too emotionally involved. This is what I was thinking, it seems to be a subconscious tick as she can't explain her feelings other than, "it just doesn't feel right." She is however able to explain how much I mean to her, and fall to her knees crying about losing me when its her actions that are the cause of the pain... Even if it were another guy, I've never seen a women fall to her knees sobbing because she found someone else... I think the root of this issue is a little deeper, it's really too bad because I did love her and it was the most fun loving caring 9 months of my life.
Art_Critic Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I didn't say she was doing another guy.. I said she WANTS to do another guy.. She can't do that if she is still tied to you.. He may already be picked out and maybe not.. but the fact is that she has given you your walking papers.. accept them and go out and find someone else.. At this point Silence would speak the loudest to her...
Art_Critic Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 You are not her therapist by the way... quit trying to figure out what is going on in her head.. you will never find out and if your try too hard she will grow to hate you..
Author jjmac Posted November 14, 2006 Author Posted November 14, 2006 I didn't say she was doing another guy.. I said she WANTS to do another guy.. She can't do that if she is still tied to you.. He may already be picked out and maybe not.. but the fact is that she has given you your walking papers.. accept them and go out and find someone else.. At this point Silence would speak the loudest to her... As far as your theory you could be right, could be wrong.. really it doesn't matter as shes got something else going on, either in her head or in her pants it spells the same outcome for me... I'm just posting my experience with this... Although I don't believe it's anything like that, I think she's going to be single for a long long time, because she isn't capable of anything more right now... As for silence, that's exactly how I work, she won't hear from me agian... during our first break I never contacted her once, she did all the calling... most of the time I didn't even take her calls... You are not her therapist by the way... quit trying to figure out what is going on in her head.. you will never find out and if your try too hard she will grow to hate you.. This is true assuming I went up to her and started telling her, "you don't want to be with me because the death of your father, tell me more about your mother." This is just what I'm thinking, as a means to figure things out for my own reasons... I'd never try to analyze her or anything like that in person, if she doesn't want to be with me it's as simple as that, we're not together... I'd never try to, "talk," her into staying with me.. I figure if she wanted me, she'd be with me, if not I'm fine, as far as she knows at least the reality of the situation is I'm pretty broken up, and not picking up the phone to call her over this week is going to be tough, but I've done it before, I'll do it again.
Art_Critic Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 You sound like you have your head screwed on pretty good.. keep up the silence with her.. I know anytime that an ex has used silence on me it has driven me up the wall.. that is why I said it speaks the loudest...
Author jjmac Posted November 14, 2006 Author Posted November 14, 2006 You sound like you have your head screwed on pretty good.. keep up the silence with her.. I know anytime that an ex has used silence on me it has driven me up the wall.. that is why I said it speaks the loudest... Well thanks, your comments helped see things from some other prespectives... But wow I already cracked, she IMed me and I spoke with her... she said something like, "I just need some time to figure things out again, I'm not saying I don't want to be with you, I feel like I want to be with you, but I also don't want to jump back into it again while we're both so hurt over the situation." I responded simply with, "I don't think getting back is even in the cards anymore, you don't want to jump back into being with me because you're upset over breaking up with me? Thats just plain stupid! But feel free to drop me a line if you need to talk about whats on your mind." Then she signed off... I need to just block my accounts and man up a bit... that was pathetic to even respond..
Anastasia0309 Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I lost my father about 20 months ago and not dealing with that lose actually tore my relationship apart. That is why I'm now going through a break. So, I absoultely think that losing her father would make her think twice about getting into a relationship and having to deal with getting attached and possibably losing someone else she cares for. It sounds like she does care for you but she is trying to fight it. I would say from experience..... She should,for sure, workout any undealt with issuses with the loss of her father before getting into anything serious with anyone. Believe me it would lead to problems in the long run.
Author jjmac Posted November 14, 2006 Author Posted November 14, 2006 I lost my father about 20 months ago and not dealing with that lose actually tore my relationship apart. That is why I'm now going through a break. So, I absoultely think that losing her father would make her think twice about getting into a relationship and having to deal with getting attached and possibably losing someone else she cares for. It sounds like she does care for you but she is trying to fight it. I would say from experience..... She should,for sure, workout any undealt with issuses with the loss of her father before getting into anything serious with anyone. Believe me it would lead to problems in the long run. hey thanks for your post it really helps! Things were perfect right up until the tension of saying, "I love you." It was then she started to fall apart... I almost said it one night, and I think it was the next month she broke it off saying, "I can't say the words and it's not right to be together almost a year and not feel those feelings." Even last night when she broke it off for the second time she says she can't explain why she feels this way, she just knows the words don't feel right... and that's fine, but based on our time together, I've caught her more than once slipping up and almost saying it, and she always showed it more than enough... So I never pressed the issue... I'd never bring her fathers death up to her as a possible issue in our relationship... and it really sucks, because even if she does figure it all out, and can say the words.. I'd be really hard pressed to take her back in fear of this happening again and again... She did just mention she needs a little more time, and she doesn't want me out of her life... but I've been there before, gave her time, and she still broke up with me again per last nights date... sooo... I'm really upset over this as I know what I should be doing, not giving her the time of day and not contacting her... but at the same time it's clear she's confused and it was such a good thing while it lasted...
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