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[unbreakable]

Hi guys I'm new here... I actually found this sight for the divorce forum, I didn't even know they had an infidelity board here. I'm no stranger to bb's I had one for a long time but the ow infiltrated it awhile ago, so I have had no real place to post anything.

 

We are getting a divorce, after almost 13 years of marriage, and 15 1/2 years of being together.... His affair has been on and off for 5 years! I just found out on Holloween after going to the doctor, that not only was the affair still going on, but I got an std from him. Luckly that was treatable.

 

I'm so upset, and can't even cry. I'm much stronger then in years past with all of this, and I know I'll be ok. I know my h is to torn and broken to be a good partner. But it hurts that thats the way of it. He's allowed himself to have two completly seperate lives, for all this time. I feel really bad for him emotionaly, what that must have done to him, let alone the ow and I. But it is what it is.

 

Its hard for me to let go, but I am, because I'm not fighting for this anymore, I just can't. He is so upset that he had to get put on anti anxiety meds, he was literaly haveing a mental break down. He thinks he's a horable person etc. And it was very hard to deal with. I told him he needs to be where ever he feels he can make some progress. But being home with me and on the phone wiht the ow, is just not letting him heal, because he's still alowing himself to lean on both of us for comfort etc... So he agreed and said that he needed to be there because he was to depressed here. I told him he's probably depressed here because it's hard to face me and the kids with all the guilt. But in his true escapisum mentality he left and has been gone now for over a week.

 

On one hand that constant anxiety and wory is gone, the one that nages you with questions, and tells you you are beliveing crap, for truth. So well in that way I feel better. But all of this is just so much. I mean I tried so hard, to be understanding, of everything. I really have focused on being understanding to him etc... The ow and him even have a child together, which has made it easer for them to continue the affair. And I was understanding to all of the contact etc, and suportive of visitation over here, which was denied from the ow..

 

I'm angery, very angery, that he was so foged up that he basicaly allowed his daughter from the affair to not have much to do with our kids, basicaly because he was trying to live a fasode of a life. HE shouldn't have allowed that to happen. But that's over with, he's I'm sure going to make sure they have a closer relationship now...

 

God this whole thing is so screwed up. It's very hard to deal with. This last year in many respects has been the best of them all, and I guess that's pittiful because the affair was still going on. It's like he feels he was forcing himself to want the marriage when he doesn't really think he'll ever be happy in it. I'm left feeling like, dam, what was so bad about us? Everything seemed like it was going in a positive direction, and our lives as a couple too.. Then boom...

 

Does he just need to feed that crap to himself because he is so mentaly screwed up, and doesn't know up from down... Probably I don't really know, maybe he really wasn't ever happy, maybe that's why he's always acted out in one way or another. Or maybe if he acted like our marriage was something that he really wanted, it would have been.. I guess I'll never no.

 

We are getting a divorce. I'm being friendly on the phone with him, not all histarical like before. I just give up. If this is what he wants, then that's fine, I'm not going to try to convince him otherwise. I want someone to SEE me, and he hasn't seen me in a long long time, or for any leangthy diration, as someone he doesn't want to loose. I've always just been here. We were together very young and I actually think that has a lot to do with all of this and what he's been going through the last few years.

 

Anyway, it's just very sad. I still love him very much and wished we could go to counsiling, wished he had a desire to be with me, or that he couldn't stand being away from me. But all of that is not going to get me anywhere. So I'm just not letting myself care. I care, but I mean he can do whta ever he wants in his life now, and I'm just going to acsept it, not make a fuss about it , it's his life, and that's including not thinking about me, or my feelings or anything. He doesn't have to. I know he loves me and I just don't think he can deal with me in any way right now. I hope that someday we will be able to be friends at least, but right now, it's like cold business conversations... It's weird, and it's so much change so fast, it's hard to swallow really...

 

I dont' want the old life with the affair in it, so I guess I'll be better off, since he doesn't seem to be capible of havieng a healthy relationship with me, just me...

 

The kids don't know yet, I want to have some of our ducks in a row first. TO top it off, my FIL was diagnosed with cancer a month ago, so h and I but mainly h was already in a fragile state... This is just so insain...

 

Oh and of course ow is all happy, and had the nerve to call me the other day when h was sick to ask me if I needed to use the debit card... I politly asked to talk to h, and then had my breakdown, that's the only time after all this I cused him out. I couldn't belive that she called me, period, but in such a pepy way, god did that get under my skin, which I'm sure was her motivation. Regardles of what she wants him to see, which is her being "nice"... It was wrong, and disresepectful and too soon... Yesterday I was on the phone with him talking about buisness stuff relating to the kids, and I heard her yell, honey... That **** really hurts, bad, it really does. But I'm really just so numb by all of this, that it's like, so fing what. Ok, so she's happy, well he's still broken, so she isn't going to be happy to much longer. There is no way there realtionship is going to work out long term. She's more like the glue that's keeping him together right now, as he greaves over our marriage and all that he's done... But she doesn't see that... She's always been "better" in her mind, poor dear is dilushional.

 

He hates her more then he loves her... But it does heart that he's over there, and to boot wants a divorice.. He says he doesn't want to be with me it will never work, and he doesn't want to be with her it would never work... Ok... What ever he wants... He wants it to be that we are ending because of our own marriates and not because of the affair and his f'd upness as a reasult.. Ok.... He's really going to end it with her, now... HMM ok... Don't think so, that will go on for awhile, then he'll get freeked out because he'll feel like he made a huge mistake with regards to me. With out dealing with himself, he's hiding from everything and will continue to untill he relizes that he is...

 

And I've got to some how be strong through all of this, and think of all the friken practicality's of the divorice on my own, and hope he agrees.. And deal with the kids being around the ow, a-friken-gane (we were seperated about 3 years ago ), and deal with them all doing family type stuff together... God this will be fun.. And I'm going to just have to be friken strong, because it's the only thing I have left, I just can't fall apart like before, and let all of this effect me to the point of emotional colapse..

 

Ok, so my threads are long, I can't help it, sorry... I also for some stupid reason have a bit of a spelling "handicap", no idea why, but that's just me, so I hope you have a decoder ring:rolleyes: ....

 

What an interduction right... Thanks for listening, hope this can be my new "home".........

 

ub

[whichwayisup]

Keep venting, and posting...As much as you need to.

 

Look, your husband is completely selfish and acting like a fool - But, he is atleast realizing that he cannot go on living as things are - Two women, fulfilling ALL his needs.

 

I am sorry for your pain, and it's too bad he can't let go of the OW completely so he can try to make things good again, try to gain your love, respect and trust again. He's made his choice, now he has to suffer the consquences and that means you not being in his life anymore.

 

I know you say you want to be friends with him, but for your own sanity, maybe you shouldn't. He has to get used to life without you...He can't have it both ways!

 

Personally I think he's so screwed up, doesn't really know wtf he wants anymore because he's been living a lie for so long. He may have to hit rock bottom, be alone without you and the OW in his life. Maybe then he'll realize the damage that has been done. Is he seeking any sort of therapy on his own?

 

Hang in there, stay strong.

[unbreakable]

Thank you...

 

Yeah it is to bad, but it is what it is right... He says he knows he needs counsiling, but I wonder if that's going to happen. I think he'll float for awhile, before that will happen. I hope he goes, I want him to be ok, and he's not going to be ok, without some help, he just needs some kind of help.

 

I'm very depresed today, it's just all such a shame...

[Ladyjane14]

And I've got to some how be strong through all of this, and think of all the friken practicality's of the divorice on my own, and hope he agrees.. And deal with the kids being around the ow, a-friken-gane (we were seperated about 3 years ago ), and deal with them all doing family type stuff together... God this will be fun..

 

See an attorney. Make sure you get a GOOD one. And for a HUGE CHANGE.... why not think about what YOU want?

 

Wayward husbands and OW's almost always seek to involve the kids in their crappy little affair. It's their way of trying to normalize the adultery, and make it alright.

 

Think about it. Why would anyone try to teach kids that adultery is NORMAL? It's not about the kids... it's just more selfish nonsense to make themselves feel better about ruining other people's lives and wasting other people's time.

 

Until your divorce is final and/or custody is decided, you don't have to allow contact between your babies and the OW. There's no judgement in place that says you do. Get an attorney and make your wishes clear to him/her. Then... start doing things YOUR way.

 

It's way past time that you started thinking about what's best for you... and what's best for your children. And if your STBX can't do the right thing, then devil take the hindmost.

 

You're going to feel soooo much better when you're in the driver's seat of YOUR life.

[Ladyjane14]

He's made his choice, now he has to suffer the consquences and that means you not being in his life anymore.

 

I agree with WWIU, particularly this bit. You're feeling awfully sorry for this guy. But he's been making decisions all this time. No one's put a gun to his head. He had choices, and he made them.

 

He wanted to dance... now it's time to pay the band. There's no reason why YOU should pay for him.... not emotionally, and not financially.

[Green]

Sounds like your going through alot. These times are going to test you, you sound like a smart girl I know you can do it. Keep your friends and family close, and just think how good you'll feel when you have all this behind you and your off on some new adventure.

[Mr. Lucky]

I actually found this sight for the divorce forum, I didn't even know they had an infidelity board here.

Isn't it strange how those two topics go hand-in-hand?

 

Sit down and make a list of what YOU need. Let your soon-to-be ex worry about his own problems. As others have said, with list in hand, see an attorney. This will be hard on your kids, think about yourself and them. That's got to be your focus and priority. Be practical - start thinking about finances, living arrangements, cars, accounts, etc. Not only will this keep you busy (and give you less chance to dwell on your feelings) but taking control and ownership of your life to be will help your state of mind. Remember that it's OK to feel sad but not OK to do nothing about it. Many of us have been there - it's tough in so many ways. Just the act of moving forward helps put it behind you. I wish you well.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Spinderella]

Have you got a good family and friends? Try to build up a support structure with them for now. Although you havent had the best husband in the world, I'm sure you tried hard to work as a team with him. You want to be able to continue working as a team for the kids etc, and to be friendly, which IS how things should be, and very admirable of you to do so, but you have to think of yoursef and your feelings too. Allow yourself some time, and rely on your friends and family for now, and if you dont have anybody close, get yourself some good friends.

[unbreakable]

Thanks guys for the welcome and support.

 

Many of you asked if I have family and friends to lean on. Yes luckly I do, mainly from my old bb board, and we talk on the phone etc now, this all has been going on for a long time. But I'm at the point where I don't really want to involve family, or to many people. I just really want to be left alone to sort all of this out on my own. In these kinds of situations many people feel like being supportive means tearing the other partner to shreds, and I really can't deal with that, and don't want that to happen.

 

He's the text book split self affair, conflict avoider, through a child from the affair in the mix, and the contact with the ow, and it was I guess bound to just drive him nuts. I am simpathetic twards him, because I've come really far as far as my personal affair recovery. It doesn't have the same effect as it does in the early years. The shock of it isn't even as devistating as it was before, I guess because you have to protect yourself inside and acsept that anythings possible, and make the choice to move forward anyway. Which is what I did.

 

Many of you sugested getting an attorney, etc... I know that that's the traditional road to take. But as far as the kids etc, we both agree on everything and I don't see any issues. We did file for divorice once before maybe like 3 or closer to 4 years ago, when the affair was quite new and she ended up pregnant. So we did go through the figuring out process with divorice, we didn't have a problem then, and I dont suspect a problem now.

 

The frestrating part is just that it's limbo at the moment. I don't really know how we are going to work out the liveing arangments at the moment. The only thing I'm not sure he'll agree on, is half time with the house which I am pushing for. Where we rotate instead of the kids, untill I can support a seperate house hold.. I think that's the best sinerio at the moment, considering our sircomstances. I've been the stay at home mom all these years. This is the first year that all the kids are in school and the last 3 months I have been agusting to that and organizing other aspects of our lives and my life. I was just on the verge of starting my own buisness, and going to colledge finaly. And now I've got all of this pressure because of the devorice, it's a little over whelming... Hopefully we will be able to work something out with that....

 

I am moveing forward, and it's the only thing keeping me half way sain, I'm not slacking on anything that I normaly have to do, and I am trying to make future plans. I know this is the hardest time and after this things will be ok, and that I will feel an ownership of my life in a way that I never had, since I've been married for ever. But it's hard, because well I thought I would have the best of both worlds the marriage, and that independence..

 

I relized yesterday, that I'm not freaking out about the affair because well that's not so shocking I guess to me. But I am freaking out about the devoirce and the fact that he dosen't want this relationship. That came out of no where, I was so confident with the new closeness etc, that this did hit me like a ton of bricks. I understand that he needs this regardles if he really wants it because he's got to get himself together, and he relisticaly probably couldn't within the marriage because he allowed this situaiton to continue for years, and totaly make him nuts with balanceing both lives. Ok, I get it, but it still hurts a lot.

 

I also get why he's probably staying there with her, but still it hurts, of course it does...

 

As far as the kids and them. Shoot they already know her, they made that mistake a long long time ago, and then after the pregnancy and we were going to devorice the kids did half time visitation with them.. She is no stranger and there was a long period of time where they would go with the ow and there baby sister so that they could spend time with the little one. Them seeing her is no biggy to them, and belive it or not they know nothing of the affair. It was very black and white to them. We were seperated, then getting divoriced, and dad had a new girlfriend and baby on the way. Not ideal by a long shot, but way better then oh daddy had an affair and heres the baby... So being around the ow isn't goign to be a big deal to them, to them it means they get to see their friend, and their little sister, that's it.

 

But to me, well it's hard to take in, and I'm just asuming this is going to happen, because they already went over there last weekend to see their sister, and well all of this is brand new. They haven't seen the ow in months due to sertain reasons, and now get to. So I'm throwing my hands up in the air, with our situaiton, it's not going to damage them because she's the mother of their sister. I'm sure if they stay together they are going to try to normalize the situaiton as much as possible, I just hope they don't go to fast, because that will mess with the older kids a bit and I will be getting questioned from them.

 

It's just really hard, I wasn't prepared for this emotionaly. I thought pigs would fly before we got a divorice, AND he was with the ow... I just thought we were doing so well with recovery and all.. It's just really a lot to take in.

 

I keep on going over conversations in my mind that we had over all this time, and wondering, what was the truth.. How did he really feel about anything... It's just frestrating...

 

I know I can't focuse on all of that right now, I just have to keep on going and figure out this new life. I know so darn much about affairs and affair phsycology because of all the time into reaserch etc, but I don't know how to do THIS. Be divoriced, really have it be over... I guess it's just like you have to swallow it, acsept it for reality and move forward, just like the key to healing after an affair is such. But this is so final, I miss him.

 

ub

[Ladyjane14]

You've probably seen it said many times that the opposite of Love isn't really Hate.... it's Indifference.

 

How are you ever going to reach a state of indifference while you're still feeling sorry for this man?

 

I know alot of folks these days want to be "friends" after the divorce is final... and I'm not saying that you can't have an amicable relationship as co-parents. Far from it. It's best for the kids when adults are civil.

 

So, you don't have to hate this guy and you don't have to waste any energy in animosity. But it's probably going to be to your advantage to stop giving a crap about how he feels or what he wants.

 

He bailed. Write him off and focus on what YOU want for a change. Why live in "limbo" if you don't have to?

[Green]

its hard finishing things. Its one thing to tell your self its over, its another to feel like things are finished. Try to think of it like in a song and just let his memory fade out as the chorus dimms to silence.