My insensitive bf and my sick child...

[Mary3]

I am reading your post now. Wow, I can see that I am a slacker in some areas. I can admit that, and for his benefit I will try and change that. It's all in the approach is what I'm saying that means the most. Somethings are just not going to be accepted like the language and the abuse. He doesnt see it as abuse but I know it when I see it. He thinks that I don't see the influence he has on my son, I do everyday, I see it I just dont always agree with the approach. I am in the middle of being passive to being overprotective from some of the things I'm reading here which is really confusing because they are totally opposite . But just as I tell my bf, everything has to be a balance. My son needs a balance of discipline but it must include nurturing. You can not focus on the negative all the time. My bf is not jealous of my son, he really sees him in his eyes as his own. He sees him as a second chance at being a dad because he doesn't raise his own son. He has been in his life for 4 years now and hopefully much much longer. It is the things between us that we must work out. I am not blind, I know that this can be make or break right now. I do think we can make it, but I honestly feel it is up to him. I already told him that I will never take this type of treatment. Usually I am not quiet about much and I think he is taking advantage of this now that I think about it.

 

God forbid your son learns how to scream like a raving maniac at his future wife . I see it clearly.....abuse breeds abuse....

[Mary3]

Well, I'm glad my thread is helping a little. And you say you will try to change things with your son for "his" benefit. Did you mean for your son? I hope so. Don't just do it for your b/f. It will benefit your SON the most.

 

You know what I would do, Y&N? I would first talk to your b/f like I said (like Art said first actually) but then have a "family meeting." Tell your son that you want to have a better family and that each person has to do their part to have a better family. At that time, your b/f should say that he's going to work on the language, you say whatever it is you think you need to do to improve the family and your son will also say what HE will do. I'll bet it will surprise you as far as what he says.

 

Try that. Start fresh. And of course your son needs nurturing. He's still a little boy but make him responsible for doing things that you BOTH expect him to do. Stand together more as a team now. I think that's what your b/f would like to see.

 

You say it's "up to him". NO. It's up to BOTH of you. Relationships really are 100/100% not 50/50. And also, it doesn't matter how much you tell him you won't put up with the language. If you keep putting up with it, it doesn't mean anything. You must be prepared to tell him that it is a deal-breaker. Don't put up with that. That kind of behavior easily can slip into more serious abusive behaviors...and not that THAT isn't serious because it is.

 

I'm so sorry that you've had abuse in your life. Just make sure you don't settle for more of it, ok?

 

So what do you think about the family meeting idea?

 

I think bf is pretty screwed up and sitting down to have a family meeting so he can promise to be civil is like promising a dangling mouse that the cat wont try to eat him....

[Mary3]

Your thread is opening my eyes to alot! I love the idea of the family meeting. Oh ya, when I said for his benefit I did mean my son. I spoke to my bf a lil while ago and he told me that these things are weighing on him alot too. He said that he is not trying to make excuses but he know that he was wrong for blowing his top and he doesnt know why it happened. I told him that it is hard to listen to everything concerning my son because he didnt have the nurturing in his home that he (bf) needed so somethings he cant see is necessary. He said that he will try to be open and that some things I dont see is necessary either. He said again that my son is a great child and he wants him to be a great man. I told him he will be abusive if he watches him talk to me that way. He apologized and said again that he doesnt know why he did that and it started with something so stupid. He said that he thinks that he blew up because I was talking bad about his mom and in his head he really does resent her, he said that he thought I was saying out loud what he says to himself all the time about her.

 

We will have this meeting. We have never before done this and I think it will be good for us. He knows all about my ex husband and he said he was going crazy because he hates him and he was acting just like him last night. He's always said that my exhusband (he took everything in the divorce and spends most his concern with his second son) is not a man and I know that he must feel like crap to have compared them.

 

Thank you guys. I do not know what I'd do without you. I've been crying off and on all day and I had to get this out.

 

HE IS BLOWING HIS TOP BECAUSE : He is really messed up and unless he gets counseling ASAP then his screaming is going to escalate to a slap in your or your sons face .

[Mary3]

I don't know if I can say that he is "affectionate" but yes he is very good to him. I would not say the word affectionate because my bf and my son are very "macho" males. He doesn't kiss or hug him, he'll do something like smile at him and tussle his hair. They talk all the time and play video games and sports together. They go to basketball and football games without me. My bf is very into fashion and buys alot of his (my son's) clothes for him. My son loves Jordan sneakers my bf buys him a pair everytime they come out with them. He is wonderful and i appreciate him in our life. My son adores him and connect with him in a different way then I can. I know that that is the reason that he went crazy when I said my son has one parent. He is in everyones eyes my sons dad. I should not have said that to him but I was very angry with his outburst that I fought back in that way. Our problems are with discipline and my part as a mother. He needs to know that I relate to my son in a diffrent way than he does.

 

 

So you think his * one time going crazy * is over ? Don't bet any money on that....

[Mary3]

It's great that you recognize that, Y&N. That's the first step to solving the problem. And I wouldn't focus so much on the second sentence though. He knows that. I would focus on trying to get on the SAME page with him as far as disciplining your child. Try to act like parents TOGETHER. You're talking about marriage and that's what you will have to do when you're married or you will have problems like what you're seeing now. I think your b/f DOES feel left out as far as the parenting duties/decisions go. It's tough since he's not even a step-dad. But if you're really getting married and there's a bond of four years here you really need to be on the same page on this.

 

I'm glad you two spoke and that you're having this family meeting.

 

Please let us know how it goes, ok? And don't cry ok? It will be alright. Sounds like you two might have a chance after all.

 

Marrying this guy EVER would be like jumping in a Shark Tank....

[Touche]

Mary, in the end..I'm afraid you MIGHT be right. The fact that he screams and yells and curses at Y&N is a very bad sign. People like this don't usually change...but you never know. He's not a very good bet for marriage though. Be careful Y&N. Don't give him a million chances.

[YesandNo]

My goodness for once in my life I am speechless... I will try my best to put my thoughts into words...

 

Mary3, I appreciate the concern that you have for me and especially my son. In this post it was brought up a couple times on whether or not I am a good mother or not. I realise that you do not know me so you can only get what is written down here. Anything I wrote here is only a smidge of my everyday life. What I wrote here is one incident that I was concerned about and spoke about. Other things have been brought up that are related to this yes, but I have to weigh myself what is due to cancer and what is not. Either way, he will either manage his temper or not. He always has before and this is why I was so shocked by the outburst from a couple of months ago.

 

If you did know me you will know that there is no one in this world who cares for my son more than I do. I will always do anything by any means necessary to protect him. He comes first in my life since the day he was born and if I must say so myself I have done a great job in raising him. You said that my son is scared. You said alot of things that you have to realise I know better. My son is not scared. He is a well rounded lil boy. He lives a healthy normal life and I am making sure that he stays this way. He is a happy boy. I know a frightened child. I know my son.

 

My bf, is not this abusive tyrant that he is being painted to be. He can be many things and we have gone through many many more but that he is not. I am not a quiet docile woman. I said I will not except abuse and I will not. I never have.

 

It was said that he feels alot of things for my child. I know how he feels about him. Everyday I see how they interact with one another. There are things that I have not mentioned here that are off the subject that has proven to me the sincerety of their bond. I talk with my son and he talks with me openly.

 

Marriage... my relationship is not a bad one although I know that we are not ready for marriage. For many reasons on both sides we are not ready. In the four years we were together and after reading alot on this forum I must say that we are doing very well actually in our relationship overall. Out of those four years that we are together I have known him longer. Because of my son I took my time with moving into a relationship with anyone.

 

These words are pretty jumbled. I am a speed talker and typer . I just want it to be known that while I appreciate the concern from all, whether positive or negative I want fairness in my whole story here. Everyone is entitled to our opinions and it is good to hear all but there is no way that anyone can know or judge from one side.

 

Thank you

[YesandNo]

 

I agree with this 100,000 % ! I think you have an abusive man/boy who can potentially do you GREAT harm . Get Out ! And marraige ?? Not on YOUR life or your sons.

Everytime you argue you turn your little boy into the hating adult you are cohabitating with..

Say GOODBYE asap !

 

Can you really mean this? EVERY couple argues sometime. I don't know of any who have never. This IMO should take place behind closed doors and never in front of the children. I will not have my son witnessing this and especially the language but every couple does argue.

[RecordProducer]

Just to let you know. The above highlighted part of your post is pretty typical for a 2 year old. They want alot and they wanna crawl in your bed ...very normal. Then you start showing them their own bed. They still sneak in your room. So this part of your post is pretty normal behavior for a 2 year old . RP

Just to let me know! I have children of my own and know what's "typical" for kids.

 

She DID NOT crawl into our bed, we had way more serious issues with her. She was number one priority to my ex, then a huge vacuum then the 3 of us (our sons and me). he spent all his time with her and she was a very difficult, always dissatisfied and demanding child. things had to be her way or she would scream. I had no right to say anything. All my attempts were viewed as "You hate my baby daughter!" He did nothing to improve her behavior. He was unhappy himself, but decided to drown us with him, too.

 

And then... he saw a solution: he divorced us (yes, us) and we're all happy now. His daughter has grown up, he is still single with no intention to get married. He told me: "No woman would put up with my daughter so I will wait for her to grow up." He is poor like a church mouse (he lost his job a coupkle years ago), because "he has not time to invest effort in making money, because he wants to spend time with his daughter" (quoting HIM). Well last year he started working again plus he is renting out an apartment that his daughter inherited (she is 10 now).

 

He told me once that if he would re-marry, he would want to have another child and his daughter commented: "What am I hearing there? My father is saying some nasty things!" She doesn't want him to have a family other than her. I understand that. When I was 10, I lived with my dad and I was also jealous of his GFs. But my point it: there is no room for another woman or children in their two-member family.

 

Yet he wanted me to leave my kids to him. He was willing to "baby-sit" them if I would send him money. He said that jokingly, but I know he wasn't joking. He wanted to keep them without joking and said I should send him child suport.

 

Well I took my kids with me. I didn't deliver them to get rid of them and I, unlike him, don't have to be paid to live with my own children. Piece of sh*t!

 

To sum this up: the jealousy of the step-child toward the steo-parent and the other way round are so strong that nothing can beat them. the solution is to find a person who is not jealous. I found my husband, he loves my kids, they are HIS kids, too. They love him to death, aslo. No jealousy, no negative emotions. My husband acts as if my kids are more important to him than I am.

 

Yes&No, you do understand that you don't have to listen to or reply to ANY of the advice give to you, right? Just because someone may think that your BF is bad, doesn't make him bad in reality. You know the truth and this is your life.

[YesandNo]

Just to let me know! I have children of my own and know what's "typical" for kids.

 

She DID NOT crawl into our bed, we had way more serious issues with her. She was number one priority to my ex, then a huge vacuum then the 3 of us (our sons and me). he spent all his time with her and she was a very difficult, always dissatisfied and demanding child. things had to be her way or she would scream. I had no right to say anything. All my attempts were viewed as "You hate my baby daughter!" He did nothing to improve her behavior. He was unhappy himself, but decided to drown us with him, too.

 

And then... he saw a solution: he divorced us (yes, us) and we're all happy now. His daughter has grown up, he is still single with no intention to get married. He told me: "No woman would put up with my daughter so I will wait for her to grow up." He is poor like a church mouse (he lost his job a coupkle years ago), because "he has not time to invest effort in making money, because he wants to spend time with his daughter" (quoting HIM). Well last year he started working again plus he is renting out an apartment that his daughter inherited (she is 10 now).

 

He told me once that if he would re-marry, he would want to have another child and his daughter commented: "What am I hearing there? My father is saying some nasty things!" She doesn't want him to have a family other than her. I understand that. When I was 10, I lived with my dad and I was also jealous of his GFs. But my point it: there is no room for another woman or children in their two-member family.

 

Yet he wanted me to leave my kids to him. He was willing to "baby-sit" them if I would send him money. He said that jokingly, but I know he wasn't joking. He wanted to keep them without joking and said I should send him child suport.

 

Well I took my kids with me. I didn't deliver them to get rid of them and I, unlike him, don't have to be paid to live with my own children. Piece of sh*t!

 

To sum this up: the jealousy of the step-child toward the steo-parent and the other way round are so strong that nothing can beat them. the solution is to find a person who is not jealous. I found my husband, he loves my kids, they are HIS kids, too. They love him to death, aslo. No jealousy, no negative emotions. My husband acts as if my kids are more important to him than I am.

 

Yes&No, you do understand that you don't have to listen to or reply to ANY of the advice give to you, right? Just because someone may think that your BF is bad, doesn't make him bad in reality. You know the truth and this is your life.

 

Hey RecordProducer,

This does sound like a handful and I'm glad you are happy now . I do understand that I do not have to reply, but since I put it out there I wanted to say my piece. I also realize that with only a bit of info, it is easy to base an opinion on just that small part. I appreciate the time taken in just reading all of this, but ya it is my life. I did get a lil upset having my parental skills judged over and again when this post is about my dedication to my son. I can be objective and take what I need. I know me and my family no one else here does. I am still open to criticism anyway .

[Mary3]

My goodness for once in my life I am speechless... I will try my best to put my thoughts into words...

 

Mary3, I appreciate the concern that you have for me and especially my son. In this post it was brought up a couple times on whether or not I am a good mother or not. I realise that you do not know me so you can only get what is written down here. Anything I wrote here is only a smidge of my everyday life. What I wrote here is one incident that I was concerned about and spoke about. Other things have been brought up that are related to this yes, but I have to weigh myself what is due to cancer and what is not. Either way, he will either manage his temper or not. He always has before and this is why I was so shocked by the outburst from a couple of months ago.

 

If you did know me you will know that there is no one in this world who cares for my son more than I do. I will always do anything by any means necessary to protect him. He comes first in my life since the day he was born and if I must say so myself I have done a great job in raising him. You said that my son is scared. You said alot of things that you have to realise I know better. My son is not scared. He is a well rounded lil boy. He lives a healthy normal life and I am making sure that he stays this way. He is a happy boy. I know a frightened child. I know my son.

 

My bf, is not this abusive tyrant that he is being painted to be. He can be many things and we have gone through many many more but that he is not. I am not a quiet docile woman. I said I will not except abuse and I will not. I never have.

 

It was said that he feels alot of things for my child. I know how he feels about him. Everyday I see how they interact with one another. There are things that I have not mentioned here that are off the subject that has proven to me the sincerety of their bond. I talk with my son and he talks with me openly.

 

Marriage... my relationship is not a bad one although I know that we are not ready for marriage. For many reasons on both sides we are not ready. In the four years we were together and after reading alot on this forum I must say that we are doing very well actually in our relationship overall. Out of those four years that we are together I have known him longer. Because of my son I took my time with moving into a relationship with anyone.

 

These words are pretty jumbled. I am a speed talker and typer . I just want it to be known that while I appreciate the concern from all, whether positive or negative I want fairness in my whole story here. Everyone is entitled to our opinions and it is good to hear all but there is no way that anyone can know or judge from one side.

 

Thank you

 

I absolutely think you are a GREAT mom !

 

I also realize you were a former victim of abuse .

 

I also realize you posted here and little by little posted more of what was going on.

 

I had to assume that you were reaching out for different opinions and solutions.

 

You understand that some of the posters have not ever suffered from different types of abuses ? And some *have* so those that * have * are going to warn you to try and open up your eyes.

 

You can gently sift whatever you receive here and make your own choices of course

 

I have to tell you today there was a Court Program ( While I was standing on a chair hanging lights and whipped my head around when the mom was telling the story of the husband ) on in which the Judge is talking to the mother and the mother is telling a nightmare of a story. Some of her nightmare was what you are living. The Judge told the mom ( After the mom said everything would be fine with her little boy as she sugarcoated all the terrible things the dad was saying and doing to her and her little boy ) That the son WILL be scarred NO matter how much the mom insists things are fine. DID you know most abused victims don't even know they are victims , don't know how to turn, how to get out and stay out ? Staying because its very painful to break up the family. Stay because they don't feel like they can get out ? ( I realize you said you were STRONG ) and thats WHAT you have GOING for you ! Most moms might not have jobs or money or other resources to leave when a husband starts the *abuse train*. I realize also you want this to work ..

 

I will not *ever* condone your BF yelling at you in front of your son , EVER . No man should be screaming and terrifying the child ! ( he should take you outside to a quiet place to talk ) But he doesn't.

 

Here are some question(s) for you :

 

5. Is there any ordering or blaming going on?

 

, "Abusive men stop at nothing to squelch, put down, correct, criticize, belittle, trivialize, ignore, snub, sneer at, and, when all else fails, put on displays of rage in order to dominate and control their mates."

 

 

Recognize that at all Y/N ?

[Mary3]

Can you really mean this? EVERY couple argues sometime. I don't know of any who have never. This IMO should take place behind closed doors and never in front of the children. I will not have my son witnessing this and especially the language but every couple does argue.

 

What I mean is : Lets use my parents as an example : My father and my mother would NEVER scream at eachother in front of us . If they had an issue they would go in their room and talk . And let me tell you there were FEW issues that I ever remember that warranted my father screaming at my beautiful mother. So because we witnessed MATURE calm reasoning ALL of us kids are GOOD with our mates and NONE of us having screaming husbands.

 

I should mention I am now single

 

If you son sees this " Melinda get your lazy butt in here so we can talk ! What the heck is WRONG with you !, God I hate this fighting ! But you deserve it . I am sick and tired of what a sissy loving mother you are to that boy " ! ( Now your son hears this and thinks wow thats how this guy always talks to my mom. Instead of removing me from this home and showing me this guy has a screw loose so OH its okay we will just stay here. Since he yells at her alot then thats cool )

 

So when your son becomes a man do you think he will use quiet reasoning with his wife ? He didn't learn any ! He only learned that he YELLS and she comes into the room. Oh darn he might subject their son to it but Hey thats life !

 

Thats what I meant by the bickering and arguing and loud confrontations. Dont bet your life on it that this means absolutely nothing to your son.

 

I also realize you said your bf has many great qualities too. But even horrible serial killers and molesters had great things going for them too until the dark side of their personality was uncovered.

 

Look if all this blows over and he does NOT scream at you anymore then I was wrong. Prove me wrong , Please For the sake of your son.

[RecordProducer]

Say like, he will tell me, he needs to clean his room now it is getting out of hand in their. Sometimes I will say leave him alone if he wants to live in that pig pen let him. Sometimes I will get on him to clean it, sometimes he will instantly sometimes he will ignore me for a few days. My bf will then tell him "your mother told you to clean it and you still didn't" then my son will do it. Then my bf will come to me and say, you are to blame because you let him ignore you. He should do what he's told when he's told.

Your BF is right! I didn't read this before. You are spoiling your son and it bothers him. It would bother me too. You're simply having different views of how children should be raised.

 

He can't say anything, you don't let him say anything... you give your son a king's position, your BF then feels like an outsider...

 

This is the "objective" perspective. I am not blaming you at all.

 

I didn't read all the posts, but did you mention your son's natural father? What's the deal with him?

 

I think a situation like in my home would be ideal: I forget that hubby is not their natural dad. He spoils them, kisses them, helps them with their homework, takes care of them, worries about their health and wellbeing, etc. But he also gives them time-outs and criticizes them if they do something wrong. He never hits them.

 

So all together he has replaced their real father. But it takes LOVE to do this. If you could achieve this with your BF and son, it'd be great. But I am afraid that you're discouraging him from acting like a real dad.

 

If he lives with you, his word should be respected also! He has a right to tell your son to clean his room. You shouldn't sabotage his authority by saying in front of your son that he doesn't have to. Your BF shouldn't yell. Your son should listen to both of you, which means you agree on the rules first then present them to your son.

[Mary3]

Your BF is right! I didn't read this before. You are spoiling your son and it bothers him. It would bother me too. You're simply having different views of how children should be raised.

 

He can't say anything, you don't let him say anything... you give your son a king's position, your BF then feels like an outsider...

 

This is the "objective" perspective. I am not blaming you at all.

 

I didn't read all the posts, but did you mention your son's natural father? What's the deal with him?

 

I think a situation like in my home would be ideal: I forget that hubby is not their natural dad. He spoils them, kisses them, helps them with their homework, takes care of them, worries about their health and wellbeing, etc. But he also gives them time-outs and criticizes them if they do something wrong. He never hits them.

 

So all together he has replaced their real father. But it takes LOVE to do this. If you could achieve this with your BF and son, it'd be great. But I am afraid that you're discouraging him from acting like a real dad.

 

If he lives with you, his word should be respected also! He has a right to tell your son to clean his room. You shouldn't sabotage his authority by saying in front of your son that he doesn't have to. Your BF shouldn't yell. Your son should listen to both of you, which means you agree on the rules first then present them to your son.

 

I do not agree here : ( about the spoiling ) as simplistic as it sounds it goes alot deeper....

 

10 year olds hate cleaning their room. They really don't care if its dirty. ( There are a rare few kids that I know who are that age and meticiously clean their room ) So this is more a * struggle * of the boy hating to clean his room or hating to do homework . He will resist. You will CONSTANTLY be after him to clean his room. I did for years....then went in there with a Hefty Garbage bag and threw away the stained and broken toys and then asked the boys which items of clothes they wanted to keep or give away. Once a month I did this. No matter * how * many times I showed them how nice and clean their room was , they still didn't care about cleaning it and it got messy again.

 

So when you told your son to clean his room his blase' attitude was normal . He was being told to do something he didn't want to do. So he wrangled and stalled and hemmed and hawed about cleaning his room. So your bf noticed that your son did not go in there and clean his room. So he shouted at you that you were spoiling the son and made you feel small in front of your son. The * small * person here was your bf. How dare he yell ! And its no easy fix to get a child to do something they dont want to do. You can do like they did in the old days and get a switch and threaten them to hit them with it but this is 2006 and we dont hit our kids like maybe generations before us did.

 

Its not that you give your son * kings position * this is a vested interest in love : ITs your child. And you are smart to know that you don't bow down to man who is trying to tell you how to raise your son. Bottom Line : You break up and you still care for your child. BF could go balistic again at any time. Who are you going to support ? Your son of course. He is your flesh and blood. How do you get him to clean his room ? You keep asking and know that he hates doing it ( most kids do ). No easy answer for a 10 year to care how clean his room is....

[Touche]

No, you don't "keep asking." You TELL him ONCE and once only. If it's not done, you punish him. Anything less than that is not good.

 

I have to say that RP's last post had some good insight especially the last paragraph. That's how it should be. Anything less than that is asking for failure.

[tinktronik]

I will come out here with something I don't know that i ever have admitted to on this board . My ex and i screamed and fought in front of our children. We cussed at each other. My children were frightened , our yelling scared them .

I am divorced now . I have a 7 year old that misses his Mommy and his Daddy being together , but he will flat out tell you that he does not miss us yelling or cussing , most of all it breaks my heart when he tells me he felt that he could make us stop and asks me why I told his dad that I hated him . That it was his job to make us stop.That he thinks me and dad are allergic to each other .

My younger two boys do not remember me and their dad ever being together .

YELLING and SCREAMING and CUSSING is never good for children to witness EVER .They remember it .

My current s/o and I argue , even in front of the kids , but never heatedly its always more a debate , we work things out in front of the kids with respect for each other , so that they can see the appropriate way to solve a dissagreement. I understand Dad does the same with his wife .

 

Do not allow innapropriate behavior in front of your child, it does leave its mark , trust me I know.

[YesandNo]

I will not *ever* condone your BF yelling at you in front of your son , EVER . No man should be screaming and terrifying the child ! ( he should take you outside to a quiet place to talk ) But he doesn't.

 

Here are some question(s) for you :

 

5. Is there any ordering or blaming going on?

 

, "Abusive men stop at nothing to squelch, put down, correct, criticize, belittle, trivialize, ignore, snub, sneer at, and, when all else fails, put on displays of rage in order to dominate and control their mates."

Recognize that at all Y/N ?

I will never condone this either Mary, you've gotta trust me on that! For your question, NO i DO NOT recognize this type of treatment from him and that's what alot of this post was about. I come from a place where I used to carry alot of self doubt. My bf has been great with building my self confidence back up since the trama by exhusband inflicted on me. He opened my eyes to what a beautiful person I really am and my ex was the jerk in all of this. He showed me where to put the blame and to stop taking it on myself. I realize that I did the most important thing instinctively ON MY OWN by removing myself and my son from my ex. The blow up is unusual for him, I will not tolerate it continuing.

 

What I mean is : Lets use my parents as an example : My father and my mother would NEVER scream at eachother in front of us . If they had an issue they would go in their room and talk . And let me tell you there were FEW issues that I ever remember that warranted my father screaming at my beautiful mother. So because we witnessed MATURE calm reasoning ALL of us kids are GOOD with our mates and NONE of us having screaming husbands.

 

This is what we usually are. This is what I want to continue for us.

 

I should mention I am now single

 

If you son sees this " Melinda get your lazy butt in here so we can talk ! What the heck is WRONG with you !, God I hate this fighting ! But you deserve it . I am sick and tired of what a sissy loving mother you are to that boy " ! ( Now your son hears this and thinks wow thats how this guy always talks to my mom. Instead of removing me from this home and showing me this guy has a screw loose so OH its okay we will just stay here. Since he yells at her alot then thats cool )

 

He'd never talk to me that way. I would curse him out. (Not that it's right but it's the way I am. When he screamed at me the other day, ("WTF is your problem....) It took everything in me to ignore and calmly tell him not to speak to me if he had to talk that way.

 

So when your son becomes a man do you think he will use quiet reasoning with his wife ? He didn't learn any ! He only learned that he YELLS and she comes into the room. Oh darn he might subject their son to it but Hey thats life !

 

Thats what I meant by the bickering and arguing and loud confrontations. Dont bet your life on it that this means absolutely nothing to your son.

 

I'm sure this would affect any child. That's why I said I don't want my son to one day treat his own wife this way. My son (to my knowledge) doesn't curse and if he was caught he'd be in a heap of trouble.

 

I also realize you said your bf has many great qualities too. But even horrible serial killers and molesters had great things going for them too until the dark side of their personality was uncovered.

 

Sure, but normal people have many different qualities and character, if I see a "dark side" than I'll be sure to get the heck away.

 

Look if all this blows over and he does NOT scream at you anymore then I was wrong. Prove me wrong , Please For the sake of your son.

 

 

Your BF is right! I didn't read this before. You are spoiling your son and it bothers him. It would bother me too. You're simply having different views of how children should be raised.

 

I know RP, we do have very different views. I also know where I need to pick up some slack.

 

He can't say anything, you don't let him say anything... you give your son a king's position, your BF then feels like an outsider...

He's said that plenty times too. (My bf)

 

This is the "objective" perspective. I am not blaming you at all.

 

I didn't read all the posts, but did you mention your son's natural father? What's the deal with him?

His dad is in Iraq, but we are divorced since he was 4. He has another child and pays my son no attention. He tried using him for years to make me miserable.

 

I think a situation like in my home would be ideal: I forget that hubby is not their natural dad. He spoils them, kisses them, helps them with their homework, takes care of them, worries about their health and wellbeing, etc. But he also gives them time-outs and criticizes them if they do something wrong. He never hits them.

My bf only talks to my son and tells him what he needs to do, no discipline no punishment. He really doesnt need to do more than anyway. I get frustrated sometime because I'll tell my son to do something and I'm ignored. Bf comes and says "didn't your mom tell you to do ABC" then it's done. He rewards him. Maybe not right then but he'll take him to a game or buy him something. "Sometimes he'll say you cant go because I heard mom tell you to clean your room... and go and take a look at it."

 

So all together he has replaced their real father. But it takes LOVE to do this. If you could achieve this with your BF and son, it'd be great. But I am afraid that you're discouraging him from acting like a real dad.

I know, especially with things I say sometimes. But I really do get frustrated.

 

If he lives with you, his word should be respected also! He has a right to tell your son to clean his room. You shouldn't sabotage his authority by saying in front of your son that he doesn't have to. Your BF shouldn't yell. Your son should listen to both of you, which means you agree on the rules first then present them to your son.

I never do that (sabotage his word). He doesn't tell him until I've been going after him. Bf comes to me, "you have to punish him, he's not listening to you, stop spoiling him. ANd I say look, you go and tell him. I'm tired of going after him. Sometimes I do say look he's a kid, kid's dont keep there rooms clean, if he want to live like that then so be it.

 

Onetime, my son was misbehaving with my mom, we were shopping for him and he started acting out so I chastised him and told him that he was not getting anything and took him home instead. I told my bf what happened and he said "well then you have to stick with it, take his games out of his room." The next day my son calls my mom and apologizes. I took him to the movies. My bf was pissed off. He says I shouldn't have done that. I know I shouldn't have but I wanted to get out that day.

I do not agree here : ( about the spoiling ) as simplistic as it sounds it goes alot deeper....

 

10 year olds hate cleaning their room. They really don't care if its dirty. ( There are a rare few kids that I know who are that age and meticiously clean their room ) So this is more a * struggle * of the boy hating to clean his room or hating to do homework . He will resist. You will CONSTANTLY be after him to clean his room. I did for years....then went in there with a Hefty Garbage bag and threw away the stained and broken toys and then asked the boys which items of clothes they wanted to keep or give away. Once a month I did this. No matter * how * many times I showed them how nice and clean their room was , they still didn't care about cleaning it and it got messy again.

 

So when you told your son to clean his room his blase' attitude was normal . He was being told to do something he didn't want to do. So he wrangled and stalled and hemmed and hawed about cleaning his room. So your bf noticed that your son did not go in there and clean his room. So he shouted at you that you were spoiling the son and made you feel small in front of your son. The * small * person here was your bf. How dare he yell ! And its no easy fix to get a child to do something they dont want to do. You can do like they did in the old days and get a switch and threaten them to hit them with it but this is 2006 and we dont hit our kids like maybe generations before us did.

 

Its not that you give your son * kings position * this is a vested interest in love : ITs your child. And you are smart to know that you don't bow down to man who is trying to tell you how to raise your son. Bottom Line : You break up and you still care for your child. BF could go balistic again at any time. Who are you going to support ? Your son of course. He is your flesh and blood. How do you get him to clean his room ? You keep asking and know that he hates doing it ( most kids do ). No easy answer for a 10 year to care how clean his room is....

I used to think like this but I'm not so sure now, because eventually he will clean it. I do want him to be independent and I will not go after him and do it for him. I want him to be a cooking, cleaning, self sufficent adult.

 

No, you don't "keep asking." You TELL him ONCE and once only. If it's not done, you punish him. Anything less than that is not good.

 

I have to say that RP's last post had some good insight especially the last paragraph. That's how it should be. Anything less than that is asking for failure.

Yes I agree.

[YesandNo]

I will come out here with something I don't know that i ever have admitted to on this board . My ex and i screamed and fought in front of our children. We cussed at each other. My children were frightened , our yelling scared them .

I am divorced now . I have a 7 year old that misses his Mommy and his Daddy being together , but he will flat out tell you that he does not miss us yelling or cussing , most of all it breaks my heart when he tells me he felt that he could make us stop and asks me why I told his dad that I hated him . That it was his job to make us stop.That he thinks me and dad are allergic to each other .

My younger two boys do not remember me and their dad ever being together .

YELLING and SCREAMING and CUSSING is never good for children to witness EVER .They remember it .

My current s/o and I argue , even in front of the kids , but never heatedly its always more a debate , we work things out in front of the kids with respect for each other , so that they can see the appropriate way to solve a dissagreement. I understand Dad does the same with his wife .

 

Do not allow innapropriate behavior in front of your child, it does leave its mark , trust me I know.

This was my marriage and worst. I won't continue with this at all. Every couple argues and debates but IMO you should NEVER do it in front of the kids. This has to be a concious act. When you look over and see your kids there, to say no we will continue this later. This is what we've always done. I won't accept outbursts like the one the other night.

 

And I haven't mentioned to you guys yet that I do think it was due to all that my bf is going through right now. He does feel alone and I think it's harad for me to relate to all that he is going through because he's still functioning like normal, going to work, doesn't look sick etc. I think I'm not as sensitive about his situation as I could be. Sometimes I actually forget. Well not forget but I've been thinking about all of this other stuff that I'm talking with you all about here. I'm thinking about things now that I haven't thought about in years.

[RecordProducer]

You have to let your BF be his real dad. That will make all of you closer to one another. Show your BF that you trust him and respect him and he has the freedom of raising your son just like he would raise his own son.

 

He can't walk on eggs in his own home. You have to be a real family or NOT a family at all. If you want him to replace the dad in the good parts then you will have to allow him to set some rules. Your son doesn't listen to you, but listens to the BF so use it! My kids didn't listen to me either until my husband "fixed" them.

 

It sounds like your BF is giving and giving and receiving very little. Your son is not the only one who is spoiled - you are, too! Your BF might get fed up and pack his bags some day.

 

You realize that I am telling you this because I want you and your son and your BF to be happy, right? Not because I want to criticize you. You're trying to protect your son from the possible damage that your BF might cause by giving him orders. But you're causing damage in another department - you're NOT letting them get close to each other. You play a policeman and ruin their fun, preventing them to connect like a real dad and son.

 

They have to have this feeling that they are pals, two guys, who don't need the mom in between them. You are standing in between them and separating them. Leave them alone and let them connect deeper.

 

Imagine yourself in that position. When I married my ex who had a 18-month old girl, I started taking care of her as if I was her mom. I hated that, but she started developing feelings for me. Then my ex started criticizing my "step-motherhood." He told me I had to wake up as soon as she wakes up, I had to change her diaper BEFORE I pee, even though she would poop right after I'd change her diaper and I would have to change it 20 minutes later again. He didn't appreciate it that I fed her as if she were my own baby. I could've given her food and go do my thing then clean after her.

 

When he would come home, he would spend time with her, he would fall asleep with her. She was standing between us and he was standing between me and her and whatever relationship we could have developed. He didn't let me be the step-mom-pal. He wanted me to be either a perfect mother surrogate (according to his criteria) or have no say whatsoever. Since I couldn't replace her mother, he removed me from her life completely.

 

But I hated the fact that he had a child and she was a difficult child (still is) so there was not much any of us could do to save the marriage. But you and I are lucky to have found men who love our children. So I consider myself competent to advise you to do what I did with my current husband: I let him be the dad. Actually, it's not my merit at all! The kids fell in love with him instantly and he treated them as if the world revolves around them.

 

I remember I had a BF who didn't like the fact that I had kids and I left him. Then I wanted to find a man who would tolerate them and I found a man who loves them. So they connected without me encouraging it.

 

I wonder if your BF genuinely loves your son or wants to be good with him because he loves you. What's your impression?

 

Some people like the fact that their partner has children, some try to be good to the kids, because they love the partner, and some hate the fact that children are involved. I was the last case (not too proud to admit it, but that's the truth) and my current husband is the first case.

 

I used to think like this but I'm not so sure now, because eventually he will clean it. I do want him to be independent and I will not go after him and do it for him. I want him to be a cooking, cleaning, self sufficent adult.

Normally I wouldn't interfere in your parenting methods, but since it's very relevant to the issue you're having, I feel obligated to comment this. Your son will NOT become independent if you let him get away with improper habits and decisions!

 

Life is cruel and he will expect that he can leave any "mess" behind him and not have the responsibility of correcting it. Today it's the room, tomorrow it will be a pregnant girl, some day it will be bad grades and financial dept.

 

You are not raising an independent child, you're raising a lone wolf. You are making him irresponsible. "If he wants to live in a mess, let him!" will only make him live in his mess ALONE. Nobody wants people who are irresponsible. The truth is: he doesn't want to live in a mess; he is just too lazy to clean it up and he chooses to take the mess rather than clean it up.

 

I show a lot of affection to my sons, but I make them clean up the table after they're done eating. If they don't do it, I should do it. It's not difficult for me, (it's actually easier because once in a while they break or spill something), but they have to learn their responsibilities. And when they spill something I make THEM clean it up. And they do damn well! I want to teach them that they can't get away with mistakes without correcting them or paying the price of them.

 

What would life be without discipline? How would you feel if you went to the store at 8 AM when they say they open and the salesman shows up at 9 o'clock? How would you feel if your BF spreads his clothes all over the place because he doesn't mind the mess? How would you feel some day if your son tells you he doesn't want to go to school, but wants to have drunken parties instead?

 

You said: "If he wants to live like that, let him!" It won't be long before your theory hits you in the head. So start injecting discipline NOW before it's too late. Besides, kids don't like soft parents - they want to see strength, they need authority. By letting your child get away with bad habits, you're showing that you're weak and taking the line of least resistance. You're showing him that's OK to do whatever he wants even if it bothers other people.

 

Independence is when you're able to take care of yourself and others, not when you tolerate your "mess" because you're too lazy (irresponsible) and no one else wants to be a part of your mess.

 

Your son lives among people (you and your BF) and that's hopefully the way it will always be - live among people. So he has to respect the rules of the society unless you want him to be lonely.

[YesandNo]

I know you are right RP. I have been with men before that I knew "tolerated" my son and some who didnot really like the idea of kids at all. My bf is neither of those. He genuinely does love my son and has helped me to raise him for years.

 

My thing is that in my mind he is not his "dad" until we are married. I'm not saying it's right but I'm realizing that in my mind I must somewhat think this way. It's confusing because I recognize the influence that he has on him. My son admires him and not just because he buys him things but he sees a hardworking man. They have lots in common. They have the same interests and a male bond that I can not relate to. My bf sometimes says that I baby my son in a way that even my son doesn't want. That's not true. I dont feel that I baby him, but I get tired of "policing" because he doesn't tell him to clean his room, but he'll correct him after he has ignored me. Then he keeps saying it's my fault and I know that it is but I get tired of repeating myself. Bf refuses because he feels like you said. That I will jump in to correct him after he has said something to my son. He never has so I dont know why he says that.

 

My son, in my eyes is like every other child when it comes to cleaning their rooms. When he does, he does it thoroughly but he will not just do it unless he is told to. He comes from school and automatically does his homework w/o being told. He can and will prepare his own meals if he wants. He is independent in the fact that he gets himself up for school in the morning. I just think that all of those other things should be recognized. He says that I spoil him so much but really I think it's not spoiling it's recognizing all of the good things as well as the not so good.

 

Everything you said here RP sounds like my bf speaking to me. He has said all of these things to me before. I can even agree with alot but IMO the line was crossed when he was sick and my bf was saying to leave him be. That's just crazy and crossing the line. I give bf credit for my son being as independent as he is, because I know that alot of what he does is because of my bf telling me, "he can start doing ABC on his own."

 

I do know too that kids like the idea of discipline. My son respects it even if he's upset at the time. "Later he'll say Josh's mom lets him do... and he doesn't even get in trouble for it!" He'll tell me alot of things and say as if so and so's mom doesn't care. I know he recognizes that anything he's told is in love.

[Mary3]

You have to let your BF be his real dad. That will make all of you closer to one another. Show your BF that you trust him and respect him and he has the freedom of raising your son just like he would raise his own son.

 

He can't walk on eggs in his own home. You have to be a real family or NOT a family at all. If you want him to replace the dad in the good parts then you will have to allow him to set some rules. Your son doesn't listen to you, but listens to the BF so use it! My kids didn't listen to me either until my husband "fixed" them.

 

It sounds like your BF is giving and giving and receiving very little. Your son is not the only one who is spoiled - you are, too! Your BF might get fed up and pack his bags some day.

 

You realize that I am telling you this because I want you and your son and your BF to be happy, right? Not because I want to criticize you. You're trying to protect your son from the possible damage that your BF might cause by giving him orders. But you're causing damage in another department - you're NOT letting them get close to each other. You play a policeman and ruin their fun, preventing them to connect like a real dad and son.

 

They have to have this feeling that they are pals, two guys, who don't need the mom in between them. You are standing in between them and separating them. Leave them alone and let them connect deeper.

 

Imagine yourself in that position. When I married my ex who had a 18-month old girl, I started taking care of her as if I was her mom. I hated that, but she started developing feelings for me. Then my ex started criticizing my "step-motherhood." He told me I had to wake up as soon as she wakes up, I had to change her diaper BEFORE I pee, even though she would poop right after I'd change her diaper and I would have to change it 20 minutes later again. He didn't appreciate it that I fed her as if she were my own baby. I could've given her food and go do my thing then clean after her.

 

When he would come home, he would spend time with her, he would fall asleep with her. She was standing between us and he was standing between me and her and whatever relationship we could have developed. He didn't let me be the step-mom-pal. He wanted me to be either a perfect mother surrogate (according to his criteria) or have no say whatsoever. Since I couldn't replace her mother, he removed me from her life completely.

 

But I hated the fact that he had a child and she was a difficult child (still is) so there was not much any of us could do to save the marriage. But you and I are lucky to have found men who love our children. So I consider myself competent to advise you to do what I did with my current husband: I let him be the dad. Actually, it's not my merit at all! The kids fell in love with him instantly and he treated them as if the world revolves around them.

 

I remember I had a BF who didn't like the fact that I had kids and I left him. Then I wanted to find a man who would tolerate them and I found a man who loves them. So they connected without me encouraging it.

 

I wonder if your BF genuinely loves your son or wants to be good with him because he loves you. What's your impression?

 

Some people like the fact that their partner has children, some try to be good to the kids, because they love the partner, and some hate the fact that children are involved. I was the last case (not too proud to admit it, but that's the truth) and my current husband is the first case.

 

Normally I wouldn't interfere in your parenting methods, but since it's very relevant to the issue you're having, I feel obligated to comment this. Your son will NOT become independent if you let him get away with improper habits and decisions!

 

Life is cruel and he will expect that he can leave any "mess" behind him and not have the responsibility of correcting it. Today it's the room, tomorrow it will be a pregnant girl, some day it will be bad grades and financial dept.

 

You are not raising an independent child, you're raising a lone wolf. You are making him irresponsible. "If he wants to live in a mess, let him!" will only make him live in his mess ALONE. Nobody wants people who are irresponsible. The truth is: he doesn't want to live in a mess; he is just too lazy to clean it up and he chooses to take the mess rather than clean it up.

 

I show a lot of affection to my sons, but I make them clean up the table after they're done eating. If they don't do it, I should do it. It's not difficult for me, (it's actually easier because once in a while they break or spill something), but they have to learn their responsibilities. And when they spill something I make THEM clean it up. And they do damn well! I want to teach them that they can't get away with mistakes without correcting them or paying the price of them.

 

What would life be without discipline? How would you feel if you went to the store at 8 AM when they say they open and the salesman shows up at 9 o'clock? How would you feel if your BF spreads his clothes all over the place because he doesn't mind the mess? How would you feel some day if your son tells you he doesn't want to go to school, but wants to have drunken parties instead?

 

You said: "If he wants to live like that, let him!" It won't be long before your theory hits you in the head. So start injecting discipline NOW before it's too late. Besides, kids don't like soft parents - they want to see strength, they need authority. By letting your child get away with bad habits, you're showing that you're weak and taking the line of least resistance. You're showing him that's OK to do whatever he wants even if it bothers other people.

 

Independence is when you're able to take care of yourself and others, not when you tolerate your "mess" because you're too lazy (irresponsible) and no one else wants to be a part of your mess.

 

Your son lives among people (you and your BF) and that's hopefully the way it will always be - live among people. So he has to respect the rules of the society unless you want him to be lonely.

 

I respectfully disagree with RP who says the mother is * spoiling * the chid, Spoiling suggest that the child is receiving an over abundance of material things . Fact :The child hates cleaning his room . So do millions of other children. One motivating factor is to offer a reward after the room is clean. Such as : I know Rocky Road is your favorite icecream and when its all clean and done the maybe we can go out and get a scoop. Its something that drives him to do it to receive a positive benefit. Its never recommened to tie in rewards for every good chore or deed. But it helps with the tough ones.

 

Given the opportunity your son will wallow in his own mess...thats a for sure fact. He does not mind 16 dirty socks on the floor...he just doesnt....

[YesandNo]

I respectfully disagree with RP who says the mother is * spoiling * the chid, Spoiling suggest that the child is receiving an over abundance of material things . Fact :The child hates cleaning his room . So do millions of other children. One motivating factor is to offer a reward after the room is clean. Such as : I know Rocky Road is your favorite icecream and when its all clean and done the maybe we can go out and get a scoop. Its something that drives him to do it to receive a positive benefit. Its never recommened to tie in rewards for every good chore or deed. But it helps with the tough ones.

 

Given the opportunity your son will wallow in his own mess...thats a for sure fact. He does not mind 16 dirty socks on the floor...he just doesnt....

 

This much I know.

[Mary3]

I beg to differ on your comment. You said he called the little boy a punk. You said he walked out on you. You said he ranted and yelled.

 

"Abusive men stop at nothing to squelch, put down, correct, criticize, belittle, trivialize, ignore, snub, sneer at, and, when all else fails, put on displays of rage in order to dominate and control their mates."

Recognize that at all Y/N ?

 

Seems he *has* put you down . Seems he tries to correct your parenting , seems his critisizes your parenting skills. Seems he belittles you and your son by calling him a sissy and a punk. ( or words you used that suggested he felt that way ) Seems he tries to shrug off his blow ups. Seems he ignored you and left the house when he disagreed with your parenting.? Seems he snubbed you and slept on the couch. ( I recall someone slept on the couch ? ) Seems he started yelling dispite the fact your young child was in the room.

 

Maybe this whole thing was an isolated incident . If it was I would still be concerned but if things are going smoothly then its you that decides whether he is just over~reacting and has been good since this occurance.

[YesandNo]

Maybe this whole thing was an isolated incident . If it was I would still be concerned but if things are going smoothly then its you that decides whether he is just over~reacting and has been good since this occurance.

 

This is my concern now. If it was an isolated incident (which it seems to have been) then all can be forgiven and I will be supportive of him and what he is going through.

[Buttaflyy]

This is my concern now. If it was an isolated incident (which it seems to have been) then all can be forgiven and I will be supportive of him and what he is going through.

 

Hi Y&N,

 

Wow, this thread has really taken off. From what you said here, and other things that we've talked about, I think (and this is only MY opinion, you know best what applies to you and what doesn't) it sounds like the stress of the therapy is really weighing on your SO. He sounds like a caring man overall and it seems he's having a really hard time dealing with this and all of the emotions he's going through. Some men don't have a good way with dealing with emotional issues and sometimes we do hurt the ones we love.

 

I'm not saying to excuse everything, but to try a little patience with him. I know that I have to be very patient with my SO as well and it's very VERY hard for me to do this at times.

 

I wish you the best! And I hope things are better.