My insensitive bf and my sick child...

[tanbark813]

Cancer is terrible for anyone and I too am having a time with dealing with this. I am sorry about your dad. Even though my bf is ill, I am still a mother and my first concern is for my child. I hope I dont sound heartless in saying this but that is the way it is.

 

I know that a child should come first under normal circumstances, but it seems a little cruel to put cancer secondary to a little stomach flu. Giving priority to a common malady over a life-threatening disease seems a little backwards. It's possible that your bf is feeling a little neglected, maybe even jealousy of not getting as much support from you as he would like. He might be feeling very alone. And, if so, it's possible that the anger he's showing is really just a manifestation of fear. That's not uncommon in people, especially men who would rather show anger than vulnerability.

 

do I baby him too much?

 

I'm not sure I read your posts right but did you say you spend the night in his room when he's sick? If that's the case, then that's definitely babying him too much at 10 years old.

[YesandNo]

I know that a child should come first under normal circumstances, but it seems a little cruel to put cancer secondary to a little stomach flu. Giving priority to a common malady over a life-threatening disease seems a little backwards. It's possible that your bf is feeling a little neglected, maybe even jealousy of not getting as much support from you as he would like. He might be feeling very alone. And, if so, it's possible that the anger he's showing is really just a manifestation of fear. That's not uncommon in people, especially men who would rather show anger than vulnerability.

 

I understand that I may have sounded cruel but I really didnt mention how supportive I am. (I know this doesn't sound right either:o ) I cant begin to say it in words without it sounding rougher than I mean it to. Most people may look at it and say it is a stomach flu over cancer and their is no comparison. What I am talking here is my son lying in bed in a fetal position running back into the bathroom vomiting. As he is doing this his is calling out for me. Am I to have just ignored him? Was I frustrated yes. But that is what parenting is. I was trying to feed him, keep fluids in him give him medicine etc. these are normal things when a person is sick. Well, my bf thought that I should leave him and let him fend for himself. I just dont see it that way. I can not do that to anyone my bf included. I have attended every dr. appt with him, I am his only support because he family does not live by us. He will need to take time off work and I will have to support us. I am overwhelmed at times, but I am here for him. We have come a long way since first finding out about this. Thank god he will be fine. He too is not going to die. Is it still devastating for him yes, I understand all of this. I am here for him when he needs me to just hold him. Sometimes that is all I can do. The same as it was for my son.

 

 

I'm not sure I read your posts right but did you say you spend the night in his room when he's sick? If that's the case, then that's definitely babying him too much at 10 years old.

 

No I did not spend the night in his room. I spent the night on the couch because my bf didn't want me next to him afraid of getting sick.

 

Please respond Tanbark813. I appreciate your point of view. I hope I don't sound too cruel. I don't mean to.

[Mary3]

When a young child is ill ( and he is a young one ~not a lil man ) he needs all his needs met. If that means the gut wrenching sight of watching him run into the bathroom and vomiting , seeing his temperature soar , watching him lying there helpless burning with fever , wishing his mom could get a cool cloth to place on his forehead , hoping his mom has some medicine to ease his hacking cough , giving him a warm blankie and maybe a favorite warm fuzzy toy ( or in his case maybe a handheld game ) . Unless you have a child to the posters : His need for nuturing does not have a limit or a stop sign when he is ill. Once he is feeling better his mom will likely be chasing him down just to get him to eat dinner and to clean his room. At THIS time he is ill and we deal with today.

 

The bf has a terrible bout with cancer as well. He likely feels the need to be cuddled and waited on too. ( As adults we always fondly remember our moms caring for us on the couch while we were sick ) Lets give this boy his memories of his mother caring enough to put him first.

 

The bf can also be patient with a mom who is stretched to the MAX. Son will get better and then if she feels she can meet the bf's cancer needs there will be plenty of time for that too.

 

I think mom needs a part time nurse right now

[YesandNo]

When a young child is ill ( and he is a young one ~not a lil man ) he needs all his needs met. If that means the gut wrenching sight of watching him run into the bathroom and vomiting , seeing his temperature soar , watching him lying there helpless burning with fever , wishing his mom could get a cool cloth to place on his forehead , hoping his mom has some medicine to ease his hacking cough , giving him a warm blankie and maybe a favorite warm fuzzy toy ( or in his case maybe a handheld game ) . Unless you have a child to the posters : His need for nuturing does not have a limit or a stop sign when he is ill. Once he is feeling better his mom will likely be chasing him down just to get him to eat dinner and to clean his room. At THIS time he is ill and we deal with today.

 

The bf has a terrible bout with cancer as well. He likely feels the need to be cuddled and waited on too. ( As adults we always fondly remember our moms caring for us on the couch while we were sick ) Lets give this boy his memories of his mother caring enough to put him first.

 

The bf can also be patient with a mom who is stretched to the MAX. Son will get better and then if she feels she can meet the bf's cancer needs there will be plenty of time for that too.

 

I think mom needs a part time nurse right now

 

Thank you Mary3, I am that part time nurse . My son is back to school and doing fine now. I also hadn't mentioned before that on the day my son was sick my bf was feeling fine. Last night is when he started to feel the first affects of his treatment. His dr. told us that he will not feel any side effects until two weeks from now, this was only the second.

 

Please LS don't think that I don't realize the seriousness of cancer and all of what my bf is feeling. I consider everything and even though he is the one in need of most attention at this time, I also feel everything for all of us. I am not downplaying his cancer. It is hurtful just to know that it was ever in his body, but he is going to be fine. I was feeling very emotional by his words and point of view when my child was sick. He is better now and I hope to move past this but the issue of my spoiling him or not keeps coming up. My bf does not share those memories of his mom caring for him when he was sick as a child of any age. To him this is not normal, for me it is instinct. I consider all of this.

[Mary3]

Thats the key here : The bf does not know or recognize *Nurturing* . You son DESERVES nuturing and will likely grow into an emotionally stable healthy young man.

 

Its sad that there are kids out there never knew about caring and compassion and having their mommys truly take care of them.

 

Your bf cannot change what he never had but he CANNOT resent the love and affection you give your son.

 

That resentment can turn ugly. He does seem a tad selfish but then we take into the fact that he does have a terrible diagnosis from which he will likely recover ( ? ) Either way when he gets pissy because you run to your childs room then he needs to stay pissy because thats NOT going to change , even if he never received that type of loving from his mom.

[YesandNo]

Thats the key here : The bf does not know or recognize *Nurturing* . You son DESERVES nuturing and will likely grow into an emotionally stable healthy young man.

 

Its sad that there are kids out there never knew about caring and compassion and having their mommys truly take care of them.

 

Your bf cannot change what he never had but he CANNOT resent the love and affection you give your son.

 

That resentment can turn ugly. He does seem a tad selfish but then we take into the fact that he does have a terrible diagnosis from which he will likely recover ( ? ) Either way when he gets pissy because you run to your childs room then he needs to stay pissy because thats NOT going to change , even if he never received that type of loving from his mom.

 

Yes you are right. I know where all of this stems from. I asked him, haven't your mom ever taken care of you? My son is 10, but say younger than that. You see him in his room crying and do you really feel ok if I would just close the door in his face? Would that be fine with you if your son's mom did that? All of these things pop into my mind. I remember being very ill myself when my son was about 7. I had my mom come and pick him up because I could not care for him and also I had not wanted him to catch it. He called me constantly, when he was home he brought me juice and he was concerned for me! He did re-enacted what he saw. He tried to be the caregiver to me as I always was to him. These are the attitudes that I want him to carry into adulthood. What we show him now is molding what kind of man he will become. I in no way want him to lack anything emotionally if I can help it. Overall, my bf is a great role model for him. But just this one incident could have caused my son to resent him had he heard him yelling at me saying stop treating him like a f'ing baby! Stop making him into a little punk!

 

Like you said Mary3, he is not a man yet! And I know from past experiences that when a person is sick, a grown man can turn into a child before your eyes. And thank you for your compliments. It is really good to hear sometime.

[Buttaflyy]

Yes you are right. I know where all of this stems from. I asked him, haven't your mom ever taken care of you? My son is 10, but say younger than that. You see him in his room crying and do you really feel ok if I would just close the door in his face? Would that be fine with you if your son's mom did that? All of these things pop into my mind. I remember being very ill myself when my son was about 7. I had my mom come and pick him up because I could not care for him and also I had not wanted him to catch it. He called me constantly, when he was home he brought me juice and he was concerned for me! He did re-enacted what he saw. He tried to be the caregiver to me as I always was to him. These are the attitudes that I want him to carry into adulthood. What we show him now is molding what kind of man he will become. I in no way want him to lack anything emotionally if I can help it. Overall, my bf is a great role model for him. But just this one incident could have caused my son to resent him had he heard him yelling at me saying stop treating him like a f'ing baby! Stop making him into a little punk!

 

Like you said Mary3, he is not a man yet! And I know from past experiences that when a person is sick, a grown man can turn into a child before your eyes. And thank you for your compliments. It is really good to hear sometime.

 

Your son sounds very sweet. You guys sound like you are real close and he is going to be a very well rounded young man. It is hard balancing everything. I get those comments too, that I spoil my daughter too much. I just want you to know that in the big scheme of things everything you said about your SO sounds like he is also a sincere guy. I'm sure he didn't mean those things that he said. If this was an isolated incident then try not to take it to heart. I can't imagine your son being so close to him if he didn't reciprocate love toward him. I can see your side too, I would have been mortified hearing those words initially, but afterward (the next day or so) I think I'd understand.

[tanbark813]

I am not downplaying his cancer. It is hurtful just to know that it was ever in his body, but he is going to be fine.

 

YesandNo: I don't think you're cruel or heartless or anything, and this might be a little nitpicky, but the above still sounds a little dismissive. It's great that your bf will be fine, but to be fair, so will your son. Yeah, stomach flu sucks, but unlike cancer it's not life-threatening (barring malnourishment, third world conditions, etc...).

 

Another thing I think might be helpful to think about: Imagine you were diagnosed with cancer, your bf's child was sick, and he made her/him his #1 priority. I think whether or not that would bother you should also come into play, IMHO.

[Mary3]

For all the children who are abused and neglected out there its * imo* never too much to give attention to a child who will benefit from it.

 

Not to be confused with a child who is severely spoiled with 4,000 toys in his room because everything he wants he gets. That isn't necessarily good parenting. There has to be NO in there with the right balance.

 

But moreso, as infants ( as an example ) we attend to all their needs and they still cry. We hold them , check their diapers, try to discern whether they have a stomach upset and just generally cuddle them . Sometimes they still cry and we take them for a checkup because we are concerned about their crying. So....

 

I don't believe you should ignore a crying infant as that is their only means of communicating something is wrong. Whether they feel lonely or just bored ...sometimes..

 

Just as a young child of 10 has special needs only mom / dad can give. We can't tell him to wait or be quiet when he is running a fever or vomiting. We attend to his present needs right now.

 

That is what your bf needs to understand . Your bf also is going through a medical crisis and he needs his cuddling too. Hopefully things are better now

[YesandNo]

Thank you buttafly, tanbark813, and mary3.

 

Last night was a disaster. i dont know if I am coming or going anymore. I am sick with myself because I feel terrible inside about everything. I am glad I found LS because I can not talk to anyone in my outside life about this in detail.

 

There was another blowup last night. I am really trying to be patient and understanding. I am trying to zip my lips and deal with everything. I am not usually like this by nature. My bf goes through spells where he blows up because he keeps everything bottled up until he explodes. He says that he does this because he cant ever reason with me. That is not true. I can say I'm wrong and apologize.

 

He's very emotional and he is blowing up at me about everything, from me not liking his mom (not true, was a misunderstanding he thought I frowned when he was on the phone with her and thought I said something about her ) to the incident with my son again. I told him last night that I do not know what he is going through. I can only imagine it unless he talks to me. He got really emotional then and said that he does not want to talk about it and he hates people sympathizing. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I know some of you guys have certain opinions about me and my son in all this, but I can not let him be a victim of this. He was in bed and witnessed none of this last night, but can't you guys see that it is important that my job mothering him does not stop even now? Especially now in my belief because we are definitely on a emotional rollercoaster. I dont want him to feel any of this.

[blind_otter]

Don't be over protective. Children can and should witness adults struggling with emotions -- the qualifier is that those adults should SHOW the child how to deal with things appropriately because that's the only way that children learn how to manage difficult emotions for themselves.

 

It's not like you can just magically learn how to deal with crap. I witnessed a lot of horrible, horrible stuff growing up and I'm the better for it. Stronger and more aware of myself now.

 

What exactly are you trying to shield the child from? Your BF agonizing about his own mortality? Arguments? How can children learn how to resolve arguments if they adults around them never teach them?

 

Maybe the BF should just stay away from your home for a while until he resolves his issues with his own mortality. That seems like a good compromise.

[YesandNo]

Don't be over protective. Children can and should witness adults struggling with emotions -- the qualifier is that those adults should SHOW the child how to deal with things appropriately because that's the only way that children learn how to manage difficult emotions for themselves.

 

It's not like you can just magically learn how to deal with crap. I witnessed a lot of horrible, horrible stuff growing up and I'm the better for it. Stronger and more aware of myself now.

 

What exactly are you trying to shield the child from? Your BF agonizing about his own mortality? Arguments? How can children learn how to resolve arguments if they adults around them never teach them?

 

You hit a few things on the nail blind otter. The thing is that I grew up in a crazy dysfunctional household. I grew up with not only arguments, but beatings in my household for a long while. Really, until I was about my sons age, just a lil younger. Today, I am still frightened by some of the things I've witnessed myself. anyway, you're right, it's not that he doesn't witness arguments. He does, and sometimes he sides with me sometimes my bf.

 

I think there is a limit to what he should witness. Ok, check this out...

When my bf thought I was frowning about his mother, we were just coming in the house and he hangs up the phone screaming "wtf are you frowning your fing face up for!?" "Did you say something about my mother?, She never said anything bad about you".

So it's not the arguments that children should not witness, it was the way that he did it. Then when I told him to calm the heck down and if he can't speak to me nicely don't speak to me at all. I told him to have respect for me and my son. I don't want him to think he should ever talk to a woman that way. He went off in a rage then asks my son "did I say WTF....". He should not have asked my son that. He's done this quite a few times. He'll ask my son about something we are arguing about.

[Art_Critic]

Maybe the BF should just stay away from your home for a while until he resolves his issues with his own mortality. That seems like a good compromise.

 

I think this is really good advice B_O... the situation he is in and her having to raise her child seem to be conflicting..

 

YesandNo Is marriage on the table with your BF ? if no then maybe living apart and going back to dating might be something that needs to be explored

[noforgiveness]

the use of language like that in front of your son is inexcusable. I don't care what he is going through he should choose more respectful words.

[YesandNo]

oh and he can not leave. our home is his home. his mom lives across the country from us. I was wondering if I should leave if that was what he needed but i could not abandon him that way. all I can do Is try and hold us all together.

 

Last night when we were talking or (he was yelling) he said that he cant stand to see the way I am with my son. He said that God gave us two parents for a reason and that he is going to make sure that he grows to be a strong man and that I alone would make him weak. He said that I myself am strong so why dont i want my son to be. I got upset and told him that my son has only one parent. He went crazy about that. He said that my son is a great kid but if I dont change I will make him a loser momma's boy. He said I was wrong because he is the dad that my son knows and he supports him with me. He said I better not ever say that again.

I asked him why he thinks I make him that way, he is very independent and he is making everything an issue all of a sudden. He said he always said it I was not listening. He said that he is only independent because he makes him that way. If for me he would still be a little baby but then he says that I never listen when it comes to my son. He said that it pissed him off to hear him keep calling mommy every 5 seconds. He said that he should have just dealt with it cause there is nothing I could do. He said that he was just calling me and crying because he knew I would come running for him. He said I didnt need to hold his hand through anything cuz he was just sick and would get better. Sleep it off and be ok in the morning. He said alot of hurtful things, and I am not supposed to say anything about it. I asked him if he needed time to himself he said no, that would be crazy if we were to leave even for a day.

 

He compares his childhood to my son and he did not have any nurturing from his parents. He does not know that he was lacking. He is still emotionally immature because his mom never hugged or kissed him good night. I know this because he is emotionally detached. He feels less of a man because he broke down last night. He has never cried about any of this from when he was first diagnosed. He feels shame for me seeing him cry.

[Art_Critic]

(he was yelling) he said that he cant stand to see the way I am with my son. (

 

It sounds to me that you need to do more thinking about how healthy is the relationship you are in ? if you feel it is healthy then you need to figure out how to fix the impass..

If you deem the relationship as unhealthy then you need to cut ties with him and let him figure out his issues..

 

Not everything I'm seeing here has to do with cancer..

 

I have watched 2 of my parents die from cancer and neither one of them took out their anger on the loved ones around them..and certainly not around the kids.. sure they were angry.. but not with their loved ones..

 

I am seeing real deal breakers show up.. he is verbally abusing you.. yelling instead of calmy discussing is abuse..

If he is this way now.. think about what he will be like after you are married or if you get pregnant think of how hard he will be able to deal with and parent with..

 

Parents should NEVER fight in front of a child...and what makes it even worse is if the argument is ABOUT the child.. the child will feel isolated and responsible for the argument.

[Touche]

I just finished reading this whole thread. I feel for you YesandNo. You seem like a sweet woman and a very good mother. I have a 10 year old son too.

 

Let me say that I must agree with Art and with noforgiveness. He's crossed over the line into abusive behavior. He obviously has childhood issues that are coming to the fore now. It's fine if he thinks you're not raising your son properly but it's up to YOU to decide in the end. He's trying to browbeat you into doing things HIS way.

 

I see BIG red flags here Y&N. Have you ever been with an abusive man? This is EXACTLY how it starts out.

 

And if you are as good a mother as I think you are you will get away from this man and explain to your son that this is NOT how a man should speak to a woman, EVER. He's young and impressionable as you said. And if he sees this continue and you stay with him, he will think it's ok.

 

I would start making arrangements to move or have him move. This has the potential to get really ugly I'm afraid to say. He sounds like an emotionally immature, spoiled baby who is also an abuser.

 

A woman as sweet as you seem to be deserves WAY better than this. Please think about this.

[RecordProducer]

I am a mother of two and I certainly can feel what another mother feels. However, in this case you were supposed to protect your BF from the virus if he is in a delicate medical state.

 

On the other hand, you and your BF could have set rules about how the two sick people in the house will act. (E.g. "Honey, please make sure that I don't get the virus your son has; we shouldn't be in the same room, amke sure I don't drink or eat after him, wash your hands... etc.")

 

But most of all, you sound like you're not quite satisfied with how your BF feels about your son. My husband adores my kids from my first marriage so I don't pay attention when he makes a mistake. I make mistakes, too. All parents do.

 

If I thought he didn't love my kids, everything he'd do would bother me, even if it's completely my fault or the kids' fault. I would get extremely protective. I was a step-mother, too, so I know how it feels on both sides.

 

If you think your BF is not good to your son then you will ruin your son's childhood by having this guy in your house (it sounds like he is in YOUR house, not vice versa). And while I am not saying that parents shouldn't have lives, it's certainly something to think about if the question is: my happiness or my child's happiness?

[YesandNo]

It sounds to me that you need to do more thinking about how healthy is the relationship you are in ? if you feel it is healthy then you need to figure out how to fix the impass..

If you deem the relationship as unhealthy then you need to cut ties with him and let him figure out his issues..

 

Not everything I'm seeing here has to do with cancer..

 

I have watched 2 of my parents die from cancer and neither one of them took out their anger on the loved ones around them..and certainly not around the kids.. sure they were angry.. but not with their loved ones..

 

I am seeing real deal breakers show up.. he is verbally abusing you.. yelling instead of calmy discussing is abuse..

If he is this way now.. think about what he will be like after you are married or if you get pregnant think of how hard he will be able to deal with and parent with..

 

Parents should NEVER fight in front of a child...and what makes it even worse is if the argument is ABOUT the child.. the child will feel isolated and responsible for the argument.

 

I know all of this Art Critic, I too have taken care of other family and dealt with cancer before. I know what it looks like here and I know that it's not right under any circumstances. The thing is that normally we dont have problems like this so it makes it very easy to blame it on the cancer. We were planning on getting married in a couple of years but I know that he has alot of things to work out first. My exhusband was a tyrant with his abuse. He was possessive and I could not deal with him on a day to day basis. I am not ready for marriage yet either.

 

No, parents should not fight in front of their children. Or discuss things about them in their presence. The love that he has for my son is genuine, the love my son has for him is equal, but when it comes to me he doesnt not understand that in my eyes as a parent it is not completely equal. Not yet it just isnt. I feel terrible for typing that and hope he would never see that but it is true. He needs to learn to deal with his explosions if we are going to work. The language is terrible and I am not a prude (some may think I look that way here). My son didn't even blink when he heard it yesterday and that suprised me because I wonder if he's heard it from him before. He kept following me around after that making sure that I was ok I guess. He said wow mom he is really mad. I didnt say much, then he went to him and they played a video game together. I cant lie and say that I did not feel a little upset about that. My (baby) son is trying to be the peacemaker. Ya, what a lil man he is.

[Touche]

Peacemaker? No! He should NOT be in that position. And the following you around thing means he is feeling insecure.

 

So you left one abusive marriage only to contemplate getting back into another? Why? Don't you see that you're going to wind up right back where you started from?

 

That whole thing with you making a face while he was on the phone was absurd. Even if you HAD done that, so WHAT? Did that action warrant his reaction? Absolutely NOT!

 

Stop making excuses for him. He doesn't have your best interests NOR your son's at heart. He's a selfish and abusive man. Do you not see it? All of his actions you spoke of tell me so. The fact that your son ran to him to play a videogame means NOTHING. Kids like security...even if it's not a good situation. They don't know any better. Your son is probably scared for you and was trying to make things better.

 

How sad that you've been him in that position. If you let it continue, I will have to question whether you really ARE such a good mother.

 

Like I said, I don't mean to be harsh but I hope you REALLY see what's in front of you before more damage is done to yourself and to your son.

[RecordProducer]

Your BF is not insensitive: he is jealous! I was jealous of my ex-step-daughter and couldn't stand the way my ex-husband was treating her. One of the big reasons why we split was because of her. I was jealous of her and their relationship. But also he was spending a lot of time with her, expected me to replace her mother 100% (her mom died), and he was trying to show me that she was more important than our two sons.

 

She was a very difficult child (he used to tell people that she is the devil himself!). She was only 18 months old when we started living together. I expected romance, but all of a sudden all I was doing was changing diapers, feeding her, taking her with me to the store, cooking, cleaning... I was a 23-y.o. girl. On top of it I was pregnant with twins. I was going crazy... I started hating his daughter. She wouldn't stop bothering us for one minute. She would always ask for something new and when she would stop, it was time to feed her, bathe her, and out her to sleep. Then my ex would fall asleep next to her.

 

Ugh... Thank god that marriage is over!

 

Just giving you a prospective of a jealous step-boyfriend.

 

This problem is not likely to go away. With time it got worse for me. While love can go up OR down, hatred usually goes UP. You might have peace when your son moves out some day, in 8, 10 or 12 years.

 

And you might simply find a guy who will love your son. Not only that you're not obliged to tolerate his jealousy, that your son is restricted in his own house, and your BF is suffering as well... but your son would benefit a lot from a guy friend, especially if he is missing this connection with his natural father.

 

So it doesn't have to be yours or your sons' happiness - it can be both.

 

If you would know what thoughts wander in your BF's mind, MAYBE (just maybe!) you wouldn't want to see him ever again. I was full of anger at the time and wished she never existed. I didn't want to have these feelings, I wanted to love her, I felt bad about who I was for this. But it was stronger than me.

 

I also had a step-father who was a monster, I won't even go there, this is not related to your BF. He molested me and physically abused my mother.

[Art_Critic]

He's a selfish and abusive man.

 

with the little I know I would have to agree with Touche' ..

 

But throw in the fact that your BF also deserves real empathy and understanding for what he is going thru as well makes things a really difficult decision to make for you...

 

Maybe now is the time to lay down the law and have a coming to Jesus meeting with him over what you are willing to accept as bad behavior from him and then let him make the decision to fix himself or leave

[YesandNo]

I just finished reading this whole thread. I feel for you YesandNo. You seem like a sweet woman and a very good mother. I have a 10 year old son too.

 

Let me say that I must agree with Art and with noforgiveness. He's crossed over the line into abusive behavior. He obviously has childhood issues that are coming to the fore now. It's fine if he thinks you're not raising your son properly but it's up to YOU to decide in the end. He's trying to browbeat you into doing things HIS way.

 

I see BIG red flags here Y&N. Have you ever been with an abusive man? This is EXACTLY how it starts out.

 

And if you are as good a mother as I think you are you will get away from this man and explain to your son that this is NOT how a man should speak to a woman, EVER. He's young and impressionable as you said. And if he sees this continue and you stay with him, he will think it's ok.

 

I would start making arrangements to move or have him move. This has the potential to get really ugly I'm afraid to say. He sounds like an emotionally immature, spoiled baby who is also an abuser.

 

A woman as sweet as you seem to be deserves WAY better than this. Please think about this.

 

Thank you Touche. I am going to try and answer this the best way I can...

I hate to sound like I'm now making excuses for him but I am trying to be truthful in all that I type. I do know abuse. From my father and my mother's relationship to my exhusband. Truthfully, bf has never displayed this type of behavior and we have had disagreements before alot of them. We are together 4 years and we both bought the house together. I love him dearly I do, I do not want to be unsupportive, but I am torn. I will not take abuse ever. All of these things are coming up now in a very ugly way. I can not say that they have never come up before at all, these things with my son. Say like, he will tell me, he needs to clean his room now it is getting out of hand in their. Sometimes I will say leave him alone if he wants to live in that pig pen let him. Sometimes I will get on him to clean it, sometimes he will instantly sometimes he will ignore me for a few days. My bf will then tell him "your mother told you to clean it and you still didn't" then my son will do it. Then my bf will come to me and say, you are to blame because you let him ignore you. He should do what he's told when he's told. On a regular day this is how something like this goes. Now, it is spinning out of control so it appears to me that I dont know where it is all coming from. He said, We talk about this stuff all the time, you just never before listened. To me it's all in the way you handle it. If you approach me correctly we will be fine. I will not take the screaming and abuse or the feelings of being a bad mom.

 

Thank you Touche for your compliments. I hope I dont sound like i am backing down now but from this view what is your opinion? It would be really hard for me to up and walk out. If we do split up he would leave because that is the type of man that he is. He told me that last night. I said I will go to my sisters for a few days, he said like what? Am I thinking of separating from him. He said if I ever where then he would leave that it is crazy for me to say me and my son should leave even for a few days.

[YesandNo]

Your BF is not insensitive: he is jealous! I was jealous of my ex-step-daughter and couldn't stand the way my ex-husband was treating her. One of the big reasons why we split was because of her. I was jealous of her and their relationship. But also he was spending a lot of time with her, expected me to replace her mother 100% (her mom died), and he was trying to show me that she was more important than our two sons.

 

She was a very difficult child (he used to tell people that she is the devil himself!). She was only 18 months old when we started living together. I expected romance, but all of a sudden all I was doing was changing diapers, feeding her, taking her with me to the store, cooking, cleaning... I was a 23-y.o. girl. On top of it I was pregnant with twins. I was going crazy... I started hating his daughter. She wouldn't stop bothering us for one minute. She would always ask for something new and when she would stop, it was time to feed her, bathe her, and out her to sleep. Then my ex would fall asleep next to her.

 

Ugh... Thank god that marriage is over!

 

Just giving you a prospective of a jealous step-boyfriend.

 

This problem is not likely to go away. With time it got worse for me. While love can go up OR down, hatred usually goes UP. You might have peace when your son moves out some day, in 8, 10 or 12 years.

 

And you might simply find a guy who will love your son. Not only that you're not obliged to tolerate his jealousy, that your son is restricted in his own house, and your BF is suffering as well... but your son would benefit a lot from a guy friend, especially if he is missing this connection with his natural father.

 

So it doesn't have to be yours or your sons' happiness - it can be both.

 

If you would know what thoughts wander in your BF's mind, MAYBE (just maybe!) you wouldn't want to see him ever again. I was full of anger at the time and wished she never existed. I didn't want to have these feelings, I wanted to love her, I felt bad about who I was for this. But it was stronger than me.

 

I also had a step-father who was a monster, I won't even go there, this is not related to your BF. He molested me and physically abused my mother.

 

My goodness I am very sorry to hear this RecordProducer.

[YesandNo]

Peacemaker? No! He should NOT be in that position. And the following you around thing means he is feeling insecure.

 

So you left one abusive marriage only to contemplate getting back into another? Why? Don't you see that you're going to wind up right back where you started from?

 

That whole thing with you making a face while he was on the phone was absurd. Even if you HAD done that, so WHAT? Did that action warrant his reaction? Absolutely NOT!

 

Stop making excuses for him. He doesn't have your best interests NOR your son's at heart. He's a selfish and abusive man. Do you not see it? All of his actions you spoke of tell me so. The fact that your son ran to him to play a videogame means NOTHING. Kids like security...even if it's not a good situation. They don't know any better. Your son is probably scared for you and was trying to make things better.

 

How sad that you've been him in that position. If you let it continue, I will have to question whether you really ARE such a good mother.

 

Like I said, I don't mean to be harsh but I hope you REALLY see what's in front of you before more damage is done to yourself and to your son.

 

When I said peacemaker I was being sarcastic. I do know that he should not be in that position. When he went to play the game with him it was because he does have concern for the both of us. They always play the game and were talking about it before anything happened. He is not scared for me. I know my son, I know my bf. He is not scared at all believe me, he had visions of videogames playing in his mind and thats what he wanted to get to doing. He checked with me to make sure I was ok first.

 

I know that I AM a good mother. I will not let anyone say that I am not. I am not a PERFECT mother but I do not know anyone who is.