My insensitive bf and my sick child...

[YesandNo]

I just had a few words with my boyfriend and he stormed out of the house. This is the story, you guys tell me what you think about this...

 

My son is sick with a stomach flu. I'm sure that any of you with kids know what it is to take care of a sick child. He doesn't want mommy to leave his side for a second. Anyways, my boyfriend (not my son's dad) is also not feeling too well. He's in recovery from a medical condition. I got tired of being in my son's room with him so I had him lie on the couch while I was working around the house. I ran out to the store to get him a few things and came back, my bf walks out of our room and sees my son lying on the couch. He says why do you have him lying on the couch? He should be in his room before we all get sick.

 

He said that it was bad enough that he had to lie in bed next to me after I've been in my son's room all day. I was very upset by that, I told him not to speak to me at all since he didn't know how. He got dressed and walked out. I know he's stressed out over his own medical condition. He is on radiation therapy and dealing with alot of stress. I still think that he had no right to say those things to me about my son.

 

What do you guys think? Please anyone?

[tinktronik]

Radiation Therapy? As in for cancer? If this is the case , radiation therapy has probably made him very ill and has brought his immune system down . This would make it very difficult for his body to fight illness .

 

If thats the case i would be upset if you were spreading germs around too. If your child is sick , take care of him , make sure he gets lots of fluids , ect .But if the germs spreading around is a problem you should probably try to isolate him to one area.

[YesandNo]

Thank you very much for responding. I thought about it and you are right. He just started this therapy today so I don't think he will be affected. If he would have came to me reasonably then i would have complied and told my son to go to his room. He did not, he blew up at me and stormed out of the house.

 

I didn't see it that way though. His words were harsh and earlier today he said that I shouldn't be in my son's room because i will get sick next. That's the reason that I got defensive I guess.

[YesandNo]

I responded to this post but it did not appear. I thought about what you said and I apologized to my bf about it and put my son to bed. I told him that I was sorry and I didn't realize what he was saying.

 

At first he said ok then he went into a rant about how I baby my son too much and I need to leave him in his room alone because there is nothing I can do for him. He said that I'm sitting there petting him and that's only gonna get us all sick. He said that everytime my son is sick I'm babying him and that is why he calls me for every little thing.

 

This is just not right! If my child is sick, no I can not make him better but all I can do is console him. I would rather take his pain from him if I could and carry it myself. My bf is really being insensitive. How can he say that I shouldn't take care of my son? He even went as far as to say that I make him a little punk running after him all the time my son is ten years old for god's sake. Doesn't every mother care for their child?

[Guest]

If he's got cancer he's probably scared and worried. Just because he's a grownup doesn't mean he's immune to fear. Wouldn't you be a bit frightened if you were getting therapy for cancer?

 

I understand you need to take care of your son, but you also need to understand that the bf is going through a very scary time. Cancer kills. Flu rarely does.

[Mary3]

This is a tough one. Your son MUST come first though. If you have to walk the floors with him, change his sheets, comfort him whatever it takes to care for your son. If you neglect him when he is sick the way your bf wants you to ( I know he doesnt call it neglect but you are your sons ONLY source of help during his flu ) your son will remember that you have stuck him in a room and have been punished yourself by your bf fpr trying to care for him

 

Now the bf is suffering from Cancer and yes it is terrifying and devastating not to mention the treatments and the fears.

 

But your bf is an adult and can get outside help as well. Perhaps this is too overwhelming to have 2 sick people in your home.

 

Your son comes FIRST. He has no-one else to depend on. He is a child.

[YesandNo]

This is a tough one. Your son MUST come first though. If you have to walk the floors with him, change his sheets, comfort him whatever it takes to care for your son. If you neglect him when he is sick the way your bf wants you to ( I know he doesnt call it neglect but you are your sons ONLY source of help during his flu ) your son will remember that you have stuck him in a room and have been punished yourself by your bf fpr trying to care for him

 

Now the bf is suffering from Cancer and yes it is terrifying and devastating not to mention the treatments and the fears.

 

But your bf is an adult and can get outside help as well. Perhaps this is too overwhelming to have 2 sick people in your home.

 

Your son comes FIRST. He has no-one else to depend on. He is a child.

 

Thank you very much Mary for your response. You are right, my son must come first. I love them both and i am there for them both. My boyfriend's life is not in danger. His treatment is preventative at this point and he is not going to die from this. I want him to be comfortable while going through the treatment of course. I came home early from work after picking my son up from school. I cared for him as you said changing sheets, etc. and cleaned up around the house. I had children over during the weekend and my niece was sick and left a little bug behind which my son caught from her. I disinfected everything.

 

Anyway, last night after I apologized to my bf and he went off into his rant about me sleeping with him and making him sick, I slept on the couch. He left for work this morning and did not kiss me goodbye. I don't want anyone to think that I am not sensitive to his feelings. I have attended every appt with him and would have been there yesterday if my son is well. He is blowing this thing out of proportion and I don't want to feel that I have to be defensive toward him concerning my son. Why doesn't he think that I should care for my son? Would anyone agree with him that I am wrong in this? My mother always took care of me as a child even if she did get sick afterward. As far as I am concerned, that is simple parenting.

[lighthouse]

My question is did you bf act like this before he got sick or is this stress-related? I understand that he is sick but no matter what your child should come first. Is he just really stressed or was he this inconsiderate before?

Also you said that he sent your son to his room. How old is your son? There is a lot of debate over whether the mother or father's SO should be disciplining your child. Is that OK with you?

lighthouse

[Art_Critic]

I really like Mary3's advice..

 

I can't add too much but would like to say that your BF.. Cancer or not needs to be treating your children as if he was going to be their father one day.. isn't that what would happen if the 2 of you got married ? he would become their step father.. and honestly I think he is behaving in a un-parental way.

 

while I understand the need of your BF's emotional and physical well being right now I also think the family unit is a higher priority

 

Just my opinion

[YesandNo]

My question is did you bf act like this before he got sick or is this stress-related? I understand that he is sick but no matter what your child should come first. Is he just really stressed or was he this inconsiderate before?

Also you said that he sent your son to his room. How old is your son? There is a lot of debate over whether the mother or father's SO should be disciplining your child. Is that OK with you?

lighthouse

 

He didn't send him to his room. I put him to bed myself, and then went to bed on the couch. My bf is usually very good with my son, but we have very different views on parenting. He thinks that I spoil my son too much and that I don't discipline him enough. I can admit that sometimes I do spoil him more than I should, but the line was crossed because he was sick and that is not spoiling him but caring for him. My son is ten years old. I have no problem with him as an adult instructing my son, but he does not "discipline" him. If he has a problem with anything he brings it up to me. My son looks up to him as his dad and they have a very good bonded relationship.

 

He is very stressed out over right now yes, and we don't normally have these sorts of "issues". The fact that it came up now is boggling me like crazy, he is not speaking to me. Usually he would have called me at work by now and always kisses me goodbye in the morning.

[YesandNo]

I really like Mary3's advice..

 

I can't add too much but would like to say that your BF.. Cancer or not needs to be treating your children as if he was going to be their father one day.. isn't that what would happen if the 2 of you got married ? he would become their step father.. and honestly I think he is behaving in a un-parental way.

 

while I understand the need of your BF's emotional and physical well being right now I also think the family unit is a higher priority

 

Just my opinion

 

Yes I agree with you Art Critic. I started to feel as if I was crazy or the insensitive one here. This thing here bothered me so much because it's something that just "burst out" of nowhere. I have a habit of looking too deeply into things sometimes, but like you said he is not behaving like a parent at all. My bf has a child of his own and if he were sick then I'm sure he'd expect his son's mom to care for him. He also needs to understand the spot that he is putting me in.

 

If ever I should have to provide support to anyone's emotional well being it will be my son first no matter what. He is very young and impressionable. He was not around during our argument, but I'm sure he can sense the tension in the house and he saw mommy sleeping on the cou. I'd hate for him to think it was his fault.

[blind_otter]

I really like Mary3's advice..

 

I can't add too much but would like to say that your BF.. Cancer or not needs to be treating your children as if he was going to be their father one day.. isn't that what would happen if the 2 of you got married ? he would become their step father.. and honestly I think he is behaving in a un-parental way.

 

while I understand the need of your BF's emotional and physical well being right now I also think the family unit is a higher priority

 

Just my opinion

 

I respectfully disagree art. When my Dad had cancer, I stayed away from him when I was sick. Even before they thought it was terminal.

 

This man isn't the child's father and his needs come first, not some other man's child. This was advised to me by my own psychiatrist. Until the marriage vows take place it is unrealistic to expect a romantic partner to behave like a parent.

 

He responded poorly, but who wouldn't? Getting radiation therapy, even preventative radtiation therapy, sucks huge hairy nutsack. Having cancer sucks.

 

If it were me, I would have just stayed away from the OP and her son until the son is well.

 

This is JMO, though. When I had the flu, my mother being a nurse, would confine me to my room so as not to spread the illness to other family members, especially my own father who had a depressed immune system from his various medical conditions.

[Art_Critic]

He responded poorly, but who wouldn't? Getting radiation therapy, even preventative radtiation therapy, sucks huge hairy nutsack. Having cancer sucks.

 

Going back and reading all the posts made me realize that there might not be a real solution other than patience on both sides..

 

Since you are living together as a family unit and not roommates then there needs to be patience on his side and he needs to act like a parent.. married or not he is in that role..

 

and also patience on your side for what he is going thru.. Blind Otter is right that cancer sucks..and he has needs to be met..

 

either way I feel for the position you are in and hope for a good outcome for all of you

[YesandNo]

I respectfully disagree art. When my Dad had cancer, I stayed away from him when I was sick. Even before they thought it was terminal.

 

This man isn't the child's father and his needs come first, not some other man's child. This was advised to me by my own psychiatrist. Until the marriage vows take place it is unrealistic to expect a romantic partner to behave like a parent.

 

He responded poorly, but who wouldn't? Getting radiation therapy, even preventative radtiation therapy, sucks huge hairy nutsack. Having cancer sucks.

 

If it were me, I would have just stayed away from the OP and her son until the son is well.

 

This is JMO, though. When I had the flu, my mother being a nurse, would confine me to my room so as not to spread the illness to other family members, especially my own father who had a depressed immune system from his various medical conditions.

 

First of all, you say he should stay away from me and some other man's child!? And just where would he go? He LIVES with us!

 

And this comment "until the marriage vows take place it is unrealistic to expect a romantic partner to behave like a parent" this is plain foolish. Vows or no vows, when a man is with a woman whom has a child, he is to not only accept the responsibility of the child but as an adult and a parent he should display a degree of concern at the very least. The bottom line is that my son is going no where and any man that I'm with MUST accept this. I don't know if you have children but I hope you would always protect them first. Thank goodness that he does not look to my son as some other mans child. I guess this is not as bad as it looks and could be worst.

Thank you anyway for your imput blindotter.

[YesandNo]

Going back and reading all the posts made me realize that there might not be a real solution other than patience on both sides..

 

Since you are living together as a family unit and not roommates then there needs to be patience on his side and he needs to act like a parent.. married or not he is in that role..

 

and also patience on your side for what he is going thru.. Blind Otter is right that cancer sucks..and he has needs to be met..

 

either way I feel for the position you are in and hope for a good outcome for all of you

 

Thank you again Art Critic. It is a tough time for all of us. I have to make lots of compromise during this time myself. I understand that this is devastating for him, it is for me as well even though we know that the cancer is gone. Yes, cancer is terrible, i know in more ways than one.

 

Thank you again for your well wishes.

[Mary3]

Using logic here :

 

What resources does a 10 year old child in the 4th grade have ?

 

His parents . His mother in this case. What can a 10 year old child do when he is sick ? He needs the love and comfort and to KNOW that mom is there for him in many ways.

 

What resources does an adult male have ? Plenty . He needs treatments , medications, therapy and the like. How can an adult male get them ? Many ways.

 

If isolation should be sought it should be HIM that takes the precautions not to be exposed . If that means wearing a mask , staying in a seperate room if others are sick or staying somewhere else with a friend.

 

Your childs life is being molded right now. Everything you do will be remembered.

 

The boyfriend has made it to adulthood and has many options avialable.

 

It is not your fault that he is ill. He must deal with it in many ways. Your son is ill and he contracted it from another child. VERY common for kids to pick up bugs from other kids.

 

Your son must be number one priority. He has no-one else but you.

[Buttaflyy]

YesandNo, I don't know exactly what to say, but I am going through a very similar situation. My SO has been diagnosed with lymphoma very recently. He is also "out of the woods" and cancer free and has been taking preventive measures now.

 

It is true what someone else said here, your SO is under lots of stress and probably not dealing with this very well but, I understand your strife. I too have a child and I would have been very offended by those statements. Mary3 and Art gave you some very good advice. I know it is hard and probably frustrating at times, but talk to your SO and you guys can probably overcome this. He should not have reacted to you in that way, and I see that you already know that your child must come first.

 

I too wish you the best.

[Buttaflyy]

Using logic here :

 

What resources does a 10 year old child in the 4th grade have ?

 

His parents . His mother in this case. What can a 10 year old child do when he is sick ? He needs the love and comfort and to KNOW that mom is there for him in many ways.

 

What resources does an adult male have ? Plenty . He needs treatments , medications, therapy and the like. How can an adult male get them ? Many ways.

 

If isolation should be sought it should be HIM that takes the precautions not to be exposed . If that means wearing a mask , staying in a seperate room if others are sick or staying somewhere else with a friend.

 

Your childs life is being molded right now. Everything you do will be remembered.

 

The boyfriend has made it to adulthood and has many options avialable.

 

It is not your fault that he is ill. He must deal with it in many ways. Your son is ill and he contracted it from another child. VERY common for kids to pick up bugs from other kids.

 

Your son must be number one priority. He has no-one else but you.

 

Ditto on this!

[YesandNo]

YesandNo, I don't know exactly what to say, but I am going through a very similar situation. My SO has been diagnosed with lymphoma very recently. He is also "out of the woods" and cancer free and has been taking preventive measures now.

 

It is true what someone else said here, your SO is under lots of stress and probably not dealing with this very well but, I understand your strife. I too have a child and I would have been very offended by those statements. Mary3 and Art gave you some very good advice. I know it is hard and probably frustrating at times, but talk to your SO and you guys can probably overcome this. He should not have reacted to you in that way, and I see that you already know that your child must come first.

 

I too wish you the best.

 

Thank you Buttafly and again to you Mary.

 

Buttafly, I wish you and your significant other the best as well. I have tried talking to him about this but he is being very imature right now. He still hasn't called me all day which is strange for him. I told myself to bite the bullet and try to make peace and I tried calling him. I got no response and didn't leave a message.

 

Mary3, yes, logically a mother has to be a mother 24/7 365 days a year. That job never stops and I know that am right in this.

 

I am feeling as if I am being stretched thin. I just feel really badly about all of this. My son and my bf is my world. I want them both to be content and happy.

[YesandNo]

The more I think about this, the more upset I am becoming. To think that he said the words "punk" in the same sentence of my son. I know I am probably venting right now and using that word out of content, but he actually said that I am turning him into a "little punk". Well he's acting like a little punk!

[blind_otter]

that's probably the fear of cancer talking.

 

I'm just saying.

 

I put my Dad in the hospital after he had a lung removed because I was careless and came into contact with him when I was sick.

[Buttaflyy]

The more I think about this, the more upset I am becoming. To think that he said the words "punk" in the same sentence of my son. I know I am probably venting right now and using that word out of content, but he actually said that I am turning him into a "little punk". Well he's acting like a little punk!

 

YesandNo, I've been thinking about you and your situation because it is very very similar to mine. I don't know exactly how far in his treatments your SO is, but I can tell you that there a lot of ups and downs for him in how he is feeling. I know that everyone is different, but my SO sometimes is very cranky and sometimes he's in pain from his radiation. Someone else asked you what he was like normally and I see where you said that your son looks to your SO as a father figure. This would seem that this incident is an isolated one, and that it may be due to the treatments he's having.

 

How are things now? Did you have a chance to talk with him at all? I hope things are better between you all.

[noforgiveness]

is it possible you are babying your son too much?

 

I was thinking your son was in the 3 to 7 year old range when you spoke of petting him. My kids at age 0 would never let me just hover over them and pet them because they are sick. a little extra attention yes but petting no. I even joke to my kids at that age when sick get away from me i don't want your germs.

 

Is he babied? 10 year olds should be fairly independent little people.

have you protected him too much since you are not with his father?

[YesandNo]

Hello all-

I want to thank all of you for taking time out with me and responding to my post.

 

Last night my bf came and picked me up from work as normal. His Dr.s office is a few streets away from my work. He was irritated because I came out a few mins. later than normal, but I was not thinking that he was going to be there. The ride home was quiet and nothing about the night before was spoken of.

 

Last night he was feeling pain from the radiation. I just held him and consoled him through it. It hurts me to watch him in so much pain the only comfort we have is knowing that it will all be over soon and this could have been much worst than it is. Buttafly, I have sent you an email. Thank you again.

 

Blindotter, again thank you for your concern. Cancer is terrible for anyone and I too am having a time with dealing with this. I am sorry about your dad. Even though my bf is ill, I am still a mother and my first concern is for my child. I hope I dont sound heartless in saying this but that is the way it is.

 

Noforgiveness, I have asked myself that question before, do I baby him too much? I don't think that I do. I dont think that he is being a baby because he was calling out to me when he was sick. My son is very independent normally and usually is pushing me away. Normally he is very "macho" and already he doesn't want me to kiss him in public This is the reason that I felt so bad for him seeing him in the pain that he was in. It was so different from his normal behavior. If I would have told him to stay in his room alone, that would have been abnormal behavior for me and he would have definitely noticed it.

My ex husband is now in Iraq, but before then although my son saw him much more often, our separation took a toll on him. He appears to be closer to my bf and enjoys spending time with him more. There have been times that he'd rather go to a game with my bf than spend the day with his dad.

 

Again thank you all.

[Buttaflyy]

Hello all-

I want to thank all of you for taking time out with me and responding to my post.

 

Last night my bf came and picked me up from work as normal. His Dr.s office is a few streets away from my work. He was irritated because I came out a few mins. later than normal, but I was not thinking that he was going to be there. The ride home was quiet and nothing about the night before was spoken of.

 

Last night he was feeling pain from the radiation. I just held him and consoled him through it. It hurts me to watch him in so much pain the only comfort we have is knowing that it will all be over soon and this could have been much worst than it is. Buttafly, I have sent you an email. Thank you again.

 

Blindotter, again thank you for your concern. Cancer is terrible for anyone and I too am having a time with dealing with this. I am sorry about your dad. Even though my bf is ill, I am still a mother and my first concern is for my child. I hope I dont sound heartless in saying this but that is the way it is.

 

Noforgiveness, I have asked myself that question before, do I baby him too much? I don't think that I do. I dont think that he is being a baby because he was calling out to me when he was sick. My son is very independent normally and usually is pushing me away. Normally he is very "macho" and already he doesn't want me to kiss him in public This is the reason that I felt so bad for him seeing him in the pain that he was in. It was so different from his normal behavior. If I would have told him to stay in his room alone, that would have been abnormal behavior for me and he would have definitely noticed it.

My ex husband is now in Iraq, but before then although my son saw him much more often, our separation took a toll on him. He appears to be closer to my bf and enjoys spending time with him more. There have been times that he'd rather go to a game with my bf than spend the day with his dad.

 

Again thank you all.

 

Yesandno, I got your email and responded. I'm glad to see that things have worked out for you. As you said this will be all over soon and things will be back to normal.