Music saves Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I have been reading these forums for some time now, this is my first post. I am a 32, single and relatively attractive guy, who has been alone now for roughly a year. The lonelyness and depression is beginning to set in slowly now, I have been fighting it with every fiber of my core. A new thing happened to me the other night that leads me to think my onsetting loneliness is branching out to other facets of my life: Most of my friends are now married with kids, the others are dating. I went to my friend's party this last weekend. It was a chance for the married guys to get away from the wives, the single guys were content on drinking heavily and talking about sex. As the night went on I felt more and more distant from my friends, it seems I have little left in common with them. The physical pain I already feel waking up alone is not enough it seems, now my mind races as I wonder if I will lose my friends. I grow apathetic about listening and watching other people enjoy thier girlfriends/wives. I don't want to grow cold and callous, but I fear it slipping in. I have never been able to approach women, and I doubt that will change as I grow older and set in my ways. I always relied on strong confident women to approach me first, but those opportunities are fleeting recently. My aggression levels have been rising, the only way I curb this is by pounding on a heavy bag in the gym 3 times a week. Music has been the only thing to keep me sane at this time. How worried should I be? where is the light?
Kamille Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 welcome Music saves sounds to me like you just need to not get set in your ways! Have you checked out the section "In search of" in "Transitionning" on this webforum? There's a lot of advice there on how to approach woman. Try it. We're really not that scary.
konfuzd Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I always relied on strong confident women to approach me first, but those opportunities are fleeting recently. I think this is your problem right here... You need to take accountibility for your lonliness. I only tell you this because I have been in the same boat for the last couple years.... You don't like being alone, do something about it. Go meet new friends. Go out on your own. Don't go out with the intent of meeting a woman. We, (the strong, confident ones) you speak of can smell your desparation. We want a strong, confident partner to compliment our lives. We want a man who sees what he wants and goes after it.
laRubiaBonita Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I am a 32, single and relatively attractive guy, who has been alone now for roughly a year. The lonelyness and depression is beginning to set in slowly now, I have been fighting it with every fiber of my core. My aggression levels have been rising, the only way I curb this is by pounding on a heavy bag in the gym 3 times a week. Music has been the only thing to keep me sane at this time. How worried should I be? where is the light? it sounds to me like you have some depression, have you thought about the support of an anti depressant to help you outta your hole?
milvushina Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I agree, when you are depressed things look way more hopeless and you feel more isolated because you are not looking at things rationally. Your emotions take over and blow everything up. It's not unusual to feel lonely or feel like you want a relationship, but it shouldn't hurt so much to be single that it feels like physical pain. And, it shouldn't be such a big deal that you feel like it cuts you off from your friends. 32 is not old to be unmarried. Most people get married and have kids too young, in my opinion. But your outlook does sound unhealthy. You are very lonely, yet you don't approach women because you're intimidated. I think this is a very common problem. But you can't think like you're going to be mortally wounded by a woman if she rejects you. I think you need to pluck up some courage and start approaching women yourself, it will get easier, I'm sure.
laRubiaBonita Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 FORGET a woman.... right now he just needs to focus on liking who, where, and what he is. if you have no self esteem, which you do not really, then it projects outwardly.
Sand&Water Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 RE: I believe you, Music_Saves, are disappointed in the way the world has turned on you. More often, than not, people believe that the world is truly a sugar coated blueberry. You are 32 years old. You have to start changing your ways. You can't live like this, postponing every opportunity and courage to approach a woman. Sooner or later, you'll be 40 -and still at square one. Start small. Don't dive into a scene of wild women going about their business. Attempt to make small changes in your approach technique. And, definitely begin to enjoy your friends. You, should, be glad you actually have friends -unlike others. I don't want to grow cold and callous, but I fear it slipping in. This struck out of your post. I am afraid, as well, I may be heading down that road -IF not, already there. I don't mean to sound harsh, or offensive. Rather, I am just being honest. Regards, Sand&Water
ilani Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 i think you're just feel left out because people around you are all involved with somebody. you should recognize that you're unhappy, and actively make a change in your lifestyle by casually talking to women without expecting something to happen...lets just say- practice interacting with us is a good start. 32 is too young to be grumpy -
D-Lish Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Ah... the everyone's married/happy/settled dilemma. I know it well. ALL of my friend's have partners or children. At the parties I'm the lone single gal and sometimes it drives me nuts. But I still appreciate my friendships. Wallowing in lonliness permeates all aspects of your life. Even if you're not feeling confident, just play the role. Have you tried on-line dating? It's an easy way to snag some dates and meet new people. And even if you're shy, it's good because it's easy to reach out to people and have others reach out to you. But yeah, if you feel the weight of your lonliness is causing you to lose interest in the things you normally get pleasure from, maybe talking to your doctor and talking about anti-depressants and some talk therapy might be helpful in building confidence and getting you out of your funk. :-) D
BabyPhoenix Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 it sounds to me like you have some depression, have you thought about the support of an anti depressant to help you outta your hole? While he may be depressed, I think it is a bit foolish to recommend someone start popping pills based on a short post in an internet forum. Music Saves may indeed be depressed, but it is likely that the depression is environmentally based, and not necessarily a chemical imbalance. There is no reason to think that loneliness and feelings of isolation are abnormal in this instance. An accompanying dysthymia I would think is expected. I agree, when you are depressed things look way more hopeless and you feel more isolated because you are not looking at things rationally. Your emotions take over and blow everything up. I agree, this is completely possible. . . .but it shouldn't hurt so much to be single that it feels like physical pain. Who says? He is lonely. Being lonely hurts. RE: You have to start changing your ways. You can't live like this, postponing every opportunity and courage to approach a woman. Sooner or later, you'll be 40 -and still at square one. I agree with a lot of the other posters on this issue, including this one. I have never been able to approach women, and I doubt that will change as I grow older and set in my ways. As many responders have pointed out, perhaps you should change your approach a bit. However, I know this is difficult, especially when you are a shy person. I would highly recommend dating services, like on-line dating (which a previous poster recommended) such as e-harmony. This way, “meeting” someone is not such an intimidating experience. Also, try speed dating, which is generally a relaxed atmosphere where you can meet lots of women. Spending time in places where there are generally available people helps too, like a bar or a club. There is a reason these are the stereotypical hunting grounds. But changing is hard. I understand. However think about this: . . . and relatively attractive guy . . . if you have no self esteem . . . then it projects outwardly. Attractiveness is not based on looks alone. In fact, I would say immediate attractiveness is based more on attitude, confidence, vivaciousness etc. A man may be as good looking as Brad Pitt, but if he exudes negativity, I doubt he will be perceived as attractive. Even with a small increase in the positivity of your body language, I bet you will start seeing results. As the night went on I felt more and more distant from my friends, it seems I have little left in common with them. This may be true. However, is it possible that you are just fixating on that specific part of their personality? I am sure that you became friends with these people because you had common interests or sensibilities. I am sure if you look hard enough, these things are still there. So don’t give up on your friends. Music has been the only thing to keep me sane at this time. Music is a wonderful gift, and I can relate to the power it has on our emotions. That said, when you are depressed though, try to keep the Nine Inch Nails and Wagner (did you know that more road rage and car accidents are caused by people listening to Wagner than any other composer?) to a minimum. Try more uplifting music, like Polyphonic Spree and Beethoven 6 (not 9!).
Kamille Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 awesome post babyphoenix! I completely agree that we should avoid making diagnostics on this forum. And that tidbit about Wagner is fascinating. Music saves, I'm wondering which eastcoast you're from because I'm from the eastcoast of Canada and, well, the scene over there can be harsh when single and in your 30s. That's also where it became obvious to me that it's all about attitude. A few of my guy friends are in a 'dating rut' over there and are now kind of bitter about the whole thing... That which makes them completely unapproachable. I get the impression, when around them, that they have a wall up.
Author Music saves Posted November 14, 2006 Author Posted November 14, 2006 Thanks for the replys, I appriciate your observations and recommendations. I can say that I have no desire to use perscription drugs. I do believe that my "funk" is enviormental. I don't get depressed, in fact its been near 8 years since the last time I felt this low. Generally going to the gym, reading, artwork, college courses and music have kept me in check. The town I live in is very small (central Pennsylvannia). The options are fleeting here, most people my age are headlong into thier marrages or just now getting divorced. I have always felt that leaving this town would improve my chances of finding happiness. But in reality I wonder if its more like I would be running away from issues that have no boundries. I can say that I'm not afriad of women or that I'm scared of rejection, I just can't approach them readily. I don't know why. All of my cleverness, humor, and confidence just melts as I even consider such a move. Although this morning I tried something different, I smiled at a girl waiting in line with me, but I looked away quickly so I could not determine if it was recieved well. This was'nt easy for me, I felt embarassed right away, like I was insulting her or something by acknowledging her attractivness.
dgiirl Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I think you need to throw away your "plan" for life just a little. Or atleast, recreate your plan so it doesnt solely depend on someone else being in your life. I'm 32, divorced. My life plan was to be happily married with children right now. Am I any where near that? Nope. Do I fear it will never happen? Yep. And that's the huge reason that causes my depression. Stop putting yourself on this "plan" and then comparing how far away you are from reaching those goals. Put your effort into a new plan that only revolves around you, and you'll be a lot more happier. Then, once you have that in order, then go out there and meet new people. But dont fall back into the trap of trying to make your old plan work. Focus on your new plan. A plan that involves trying new things, just for the pure joy of trying new things.
Kamille Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I can say that I'm not afriad of women or that I'm scared of rejection, I just can't approach them readily. I don't know why. All of my cleverness, humor, and confidence just melts as I even consider such a move. Although this morning I tried something different, I smiled at a girl waiting in line with me, but I looked away quickly so I could not determine if it was recieved well. This was'nt easy for me, I felt embarassed right away, like I was insulting her or something by acknowledging her attractivness. Way to go! There's a beginning for you! I also often time 'flash' people smiles because I'm too shy to see if they smile back. it does get easier though, and actually eventually really fun. And like D-lish said in another thread, if they don't react, don't take it personally. Actually here's the link to that thread. Do get to D's guru style dating advice : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t102855/ Because of study and career reasons, I have moved 6 times in the last 12 years. Twice I did move partly to 'run away' from my problems. And you know what, it worked because it gave me a new perspective on said problems and on life altogether. See, I don't think there is anything fundamentally wrong with you so you wouldn't be running away from issues that have no boundaries. So basically, next time the possibility of an adventure comes your way, you might consider it. good luck and keep smiling at those girls! I love it when guys smile at me.
IWalkAlone Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 This was'nt easy for me, I felt embarassed right away, like I was insulting her or something by acknowledging her attractivness. This is a key here. Forsome reason we've been taught that letting a woman know we find her attractive is a bad thing. I guess it's connected to the drive against sexual harrassment. But there is a big middle ground between being too sexually agressive with women and prentending we have no romantic/sexual interest in them whatsoever. But where is the line between harrassment & flirting? Often it is the attitude of the woman. Often times the only diffence between fun flirty behavoir and creepy harassing behavoir is simply the reaction of the women. If she thinks a guy is cute, behavoir indicating interest is flirty and exciting. If she doesn't find him attractive, it's labeled creepy and maybe even sexual harassment. How can a guy know the difference? Initially, he can't. So don't bother trying. If you see a woman who looks good to you and there's no proof she's attached (ring or a man's hand on her hand), talk to her and make flirty comments. Then watch her reaction. If doesn't respond positively, decide that's her problem and move on to another.
Kamille Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 But where is the line between harrassment & flirting? If she thinks a guy is cute, behavoir indicating interest is flirty and exciting. If she doesn't find him attractive, it's labeled creepy and maybe even sexual harassment. It's actually more complicated then that. If I'm walking down the street thinking of ways of solving the problems of humanity, I might not notice a guy smiling at me. If at the café I am focused on financial worries (to return the shoes or not return the shoes, that is the question), I probably won't be in a frame of mind to react and smile back at the guy. So really, best practice is to Not take it personally. It doesn't mean she couldn't find you attractive. In fact, if a woman doesn't smile back, you have no way of knowing what it means. Maybe she just figured out how to solve the middle-east conflict.
IWalkAlone Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Thank you for underscoring my point, which is that for a variety of reasons, the difference between flirting and creepiness/harassment is often times not defined by the man's behavoir, but by how a woman reacts to it. But in our culture, men are expected to make the first move. But unless a woman is giving off strong signals herself, that first move may be interpreted as creepiness or harssment. For the that reason, a man should not hesitate to approach women for fear of being perceived as a creep or harasser (provided he's not too obnoxious about it). If she reacts negatively, that's simply her reaction, and it doesn't mean the guy is a creep.
Kamille Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Thank you for underscoring my point, which is that for a variety of reasons, the difference between flirting and creepiness/harassment is often times not defined by the man's behavoir, but by how a woman reacts to it. But in our culture, men are expected to make the first move. But unless a woman is giving off strong signals herself, that first move may be interpreted as creepiness or harssment. For the that reason, a man should not hesitate to approach women for fear of being perceived as a creep or harasser (provided he's not too obnoxious about it). If she reacts negatively, that's simply her reaction, and it doesn't mean the guy is a creep. Totally agree. If you're not a creep, then you can't possibly approach her as a creep.
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