Do men need to have a decent job to feel worthy of a relationship?

[Lisa32]

Is it true that men feel unworthy of a relationship, if they don’t have a decent job making decent money? So unworthy, that they’ll even let the girl go and chance losing her forever?

 

I have a pretty decent job, making decent money. The guy I like is a bartender. He’s known I liked him for 10 mos, but he had a girl he was dating, and said he would never cheat. He broke up with her 3 mos. ago, and still hadn’t asked me out…even though he had asked for my #. He was fired 2 weeks ago, and I just happened to bump into the day he was fired, otherwise, I probably would never have seen him again (talk about coincidence).

 

Anyway, we talked and I asked why he never asked me out. He wouldn’t answer me, so his female friend pulled me to the side and explained it to me. She said that he and she would talk about me all the time…and I was the reason he ended it with his girlfriend. She said when he met me, he knew I was the one he wanted to be with. She told me he didn’t ask me out, because he was interviewing and waiting for a decent job (he just graduated school at 30 yrs old), because he always referred to me as special…and he felt that I was the type of girl you take on a proper, special date. That’s why he never called or asked me out. He didn’t feel worthy.

 

He and I ended up talking…and he finally opened up to me and told me what he had been telling her for months. I told him I didn’t care about the money, and it was him I was crazy about. Only 2 weeks has passed, he got another bartending job, making less $, and we’ve hung out a few times and have talked a lot…a lot, a lot. We click and get along beautifully. We both have really opened up and he said “I know I could marry you. It’s fate we’re together, because I got cold feet and would never have called if we didn’t bump into each other.”

 

Well things were decent, he was calling. We had gotten into a little heated discussion (I was being insecure...and alcohol was involved) and he said “You’re not my #1 girl.” I got upset, He said “No…you’re not my #1 girl, because there’s no #2 or #3 for you to be #1 to. You’re my only girl…I’m not with anyone else...this is a compliment, don't get upset.” Then he txt me later that night and said “You are so special to me Lisa. Please be patient with me.”

 

He called me the next day, and planned to hang out with me Sat & Sun. He called me (true to his word) Sat morning. He had ended up going out the night before with a buddy he hadn’t seen for a long time. He was hungover and asked if I’d be upset if he canceled, because he didn’t feel well. He then said he’d call me later and if he was feeling better, we’d hang out. He never called. He never called Sunday either. I know it’s only been two days…but he blew me off and hasn’t even called to apologize. I was so upset. He made the plans with me…and asked me. Then he breaks my heart and blows me off. Is this a case where he really isn’t interested in me…or can it really be true that guys feel inferior or unworthy when they don’t make as much money, or aren’t doing what they want to do? I’ve even given him networking contacts to help him…but he won’t call my contacts…he’s trying to find his own. Also, his gf from 4 years ago (he loved her) broke up with him because he didn’t have much $…and I’m afraid he thinks I’ll do the same thing. I’m just worried I’ll never hear from him again, afterall he was going to let me go before we even started dating.

[laRubiaBonita]

this guy sounds like he is very insecure. it may stem from his previous ex dumping him for lack of $$, or that was the excuse.

 

unless he becomes happy with himself, job included...... he will act like this forever.

 

this is a main reason i recently broke up with my bf. he was a good guy, but he was not happy.... not with himself, his living arrangements, job, etc..... He was never active in taking charge and turning things around either. He was always glass half empty.....

[Lisa32]

Thanks for replying LaRubia.

 

How long were you and your boyfriend together? You don't think there's a chance it could work out? Maybe breaking up with him will push him into doing something.

[roxy_1980]

I think that you're missing a simple solution to your problem here. If he doesn't have the confidence to ask you out right now, ASK HIM OUT yourself. If he backs out again, there's your answer.

[mental_traveller]

I think it's true that men don't feel really "at ease" if they perceive their current work/career situation to be in the dumps. Their overall confidence and happiness tends to be lower, and men in general place a lot of store by how they do on the work front. So yeah, I think that's quite likely to be the reason. If I were you I'd just go for it, ask him out, and say you don't care about his current situation, tell him you know he's the type who will go on to better things etc. Give his confidence a bit of a boost, so he knows you won't judge him for his low paying job.

[cutegirl]

Hmmm

 

Mine is unemployed and perfectly fine with being in a relationship and he's more than comfortable having me pay the rent, bills, some of his personal bills too, buy him food daily and loads of other stuff and seems to have no shame whatsoever.

 

Consider yourself lucky if your guy even cares. Mine could care less and would probably happily live off of me until we both die.

[laRubiaBonita]

Thanks for replying LaRubia.

 

How long were you and your boyfriend together? You don't think there's a chance it could work out? Maybe breaking up with him will push him into doing something.

 

we were together almost six months.

 

just flat out ask the dude what his deal is. luckily you are not in too deep, and you have a right to know, if he tells you,why he is being a big baby.

[Lisa32]

Here's the thing...we've already been on a couple of dates. Nothing expensive...mostly just hanging out and talking. We went to brunch and even though i know he's broke, he paid for the whole thing without hesitation. I even forgot my subway card, and he gave me $20 and got me a new one. I said "No..." and he insisted.

 

Before we even hung out for the first time, he reitorated what his female friend told me about wanting to be able to afford to treat me right and how he was absolutely crazy about me, but felt intimidated, because I had a good job, and he wasn't making any money at this time. I said "Are you kidding, you are so smart. You read all the time, you're highly intelligent, we have the best convos. Also, another reason you're broke is because you just put yourself through school after your mom died." I then told him, I don't care if he had money, I just want to hang out with him and know him. Money isn't an issue. I told him that one day he would have a great job, because he had goals and dreams and would always succeed. He's even already been interviewing, except he won't call the contact I gave him. I don't know if it's a pride thing...but it would be an amazing contact and he hasn't called. I didn't push the issue. He'll call when he's ready.

 

The problem is, he and I were supposed to hang out both Sat and Sun (his days off). He called and canceled on me Sat morning and was supposed to call me later in the afternoon when he was feeling better, so we could hang out then. I haven't heard from him since...and it's Tuesday now.

[laRubiaBonita]

Here's the thing...we've already been on a couple of dates. Nothing expensive...mostly just hanging out and talking. We went to brunch and even though i know he's broke, he paid for the whole thing without hesitation. I even forgot my subway card, and he gave me $20 and got me a new one. I said "No..." and he insisted.

 

Before we even hung out for the first time, he reitorated what his female friend told me about wanting to be able to afford to treat me right and how he was absolutely crazy about me, but felt intimidated, because I had a good job, and he wasn't making any money at this time. I said "Are you kidding, you are so smart. You read all the time, you're highly intelligent, we have the best convos. Also, another reason you're broke is because you just put yourself through school after your mom died." I then told him, I don't care if he had money, I just want to hang out with him and know him. Money isn't an issue. I told him that one day he would have a great job, because he had goals and dreams and would always succeed. He's even already been interviewing, except he won't call the contact I gave him. I don't know if it's a pride thing...but it would be an amazing contact and he hasn't called. I didn't push the issue. He'll call when he's ready.

 

The problem is, he and I were supposed to hang out both Sat and Sun (his days off). He called and canceled on me Sat morning and was supposed to call me later in the afternoon when he was feeling better, so we could hang out then. I haven't heard from him since...and it's Tuesday now.

 

Gawd.... he sounds like my ex's twin! i always told the ex i did not expect lavish dinners and gifts, but i think he was stuck in that man=provider mentality. money meant something to him, so it did not matter if money was an issue to me, because it already was for him.

i also broke down and gave him some job opp. numbers, which of course he did not call either......

 

then near the last days of our dating, he did not call me for 2-3 days, finally i asked him what his deal was, he went on to say he was giving me some space, he thought i might want.....

 

i dunno, it was confusing.... to much for me.

[Lisa32]

Wow...he does sound like mine, except yours lasted a lot longer than mine did. Even though I've known mine as just friends for 10 mos...we've only been dating/seeing each other...or whatever it's called...for 1-1/2 weeks.

 

It's strange. I knew his job situation was an issue...but why would you let a girl you're crazy about, walk away? I even said to him that I've read the book he's just not that into you...and I just figured he wasn't that into me. He got so upset and didn't understand how I could have thought that. It wasn't until his close female friend told me that he's been crazy about me since the day he met me...and I was the reason he broke up with this girl he was seeing, who was 10 yrs younger than him. He said she was too immature. This girl he was seeing and calling all the time...then he breaks up with her because he can't stop thinking about me...and yet waits 2 mos before fate coincidentally brought us together for our first date. He said "the second I met you, I knew it was over with her." Then he said he never had strong feelings for her...yet he saw her all the time. Me...the girl he's crazy about (and everyone's known apparently, but me) he blows off after 1-1/2 weeks. I hate saying this, because it's so cliche...but we really did have amazing chemistry. All we did was talk and open up to each other. It was a breath of fresh air. He...not me...made the plans to hang out all weekend. I hadn't even seen him since we made the plans, to the day he canceled, so I couldn't possibly have done anything wrong. It's not me...it's him. But I don't get it. For him to just ignore me, after knowing me for so long...and after we've been hanging out even more this past 1-1/2 weeks. I just don't get it.

 

I'm sorry. I went off on a tangent. I guess I'm just venting and I'm a bit angry. Thank you for listening.

 

anyway...is your guy trying to get you back at all?

[laRubiaBonita]

nope, not trying at all (yay)....... and he had told me he loved me soo sooo much, blah, blah, blah, wanted to spend his life with me etc.......

so one would Think if you loved someone so strongly one would pursue that person.

but he also took back some gifts he had given me.

i do get the occasional mass email from him, it has been over 3 weeks.

 

i am not trying to get back with him, it was i who broke it off.

[norajane]

Yes, some guys are like that. I dated someone for many years who turned out to be like that. All was fine when I was still in college, but after I graduated and found a job, he started with the he's "not good enough" for me. He had dropped out of college by then, so that had something to do with it. But, even after he went back and finally graduated, he still kept up with the "not good enough" theme because by then I had a good job and I was about to graduate from business school with my MBA, so he kept saying I would always make more money than him, and blah blah blah.

 

So many times we couldn't do something I wanted to do (like go out to dinner or on a vacation) because he didn't feel he had the money or didn't want to waste it) even if I offered to pay. Or maybe my offering to pay made it worse for him. Whatever. It still meant I couldn't go out to eat with the man I loved, and it still meant I couldn't go on vacation with the man I loved.

 

He was way more worried about the issue than I was. So much self-pity! So much low self-esteem!

 

Eventually, he told me so often that he wasn't good enough for me, that I started to believe him. Or at least accepted that he was never going to be happy because he thought he wasn't good enough, that his job wasn't good enough, that he didnt' make enough. I just couldn't take it anymore and broke up with him.

[Lisa32]

LaRubia - That's what mine was doing. I've had guys tell me blah blah blah...marry me stuff before, but with this guy, it seemed different (I know...I know). He said he could see us marrying from when he first saw me...and that he wanted to go to Italy and kiss under a certain bridge at 7:00. The legend is, couples who kiss under this bridge at that time, will be together forever. Sometimes he'd start with the sweet talk and he'd stop himself, because he'd say...I sound retarded and girly...I've got to stop. I guess I just fell for it. it really did seem real with this guy.

 

Anyway, i have to tell you...you may have broken up with your guy, but the group emails is just the beginning. That's why guys do when they're trying to get you back. Eventually, it's going to be a "hi...how are you?" individually sent email. Be prepared.

 

NoraJane - Thank you for your feedback too. I just hope that my guy surprises me in the end...and wakes up. He's a fool if he loses me.

[Green]

I have a crappy job right now and pretty much always have. Ive dated some girls who were doing alot better then me and I never felt guilty or undeserving. If I was shoveling pooh and the girl who was willing to date me was CEO of Estee Lauder or something I would still do it and I wouldnt give a damn. As for being a bartender in NY, he could be worse off.