Stay through the holidays?

[Guest]

After a 16 year relationship, a 11 year marriage, and a 5 year old son I think that I can no longer continue in my marriage.

Various factors meant we drifted apart (big one - he refused for us to have a 2nd child) and I had an internet affair. He found out in Jan 06 and we have been in counselling since.

 

I have tried to finish it with this guy (dh thinks I have) but I can't, yes or won't. I have no realised that whether it works out with internet guy or not, I can no longer try in marriage. I am wanting to stay through the holidays to make it less painful for my son, but also for dh.

How can I do that and prepare them for what is to come?

Thanks for comments

[noforgiveness]

no don't you dare lead him on. Don't you dare pretend you're done with the affair and all is well through the holidays. That is so unfair to him and heartless.

 

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel and your intentions of leaving and let HIM decide if you should stay for the child for the holidays.

 

You are not protecting him. You are harming him all the more by not being truthful and giving him hope for the relationship.

[dgiirl]

It's hard to fix one relationship when you're invested in another. Of course your marriage is going to fail while you're involved with someone else. Did you really think it would fix itself? Have you atleast confessed to your therapist that you're still seeing this other man? I think you owe it to your child to really honestly fully try to save your marriage. From what you've writen, you havent done that.

 

I think you need to talk with your therapist. A one on one visit and tell her what you've been doing.

[FlyingHigh]

After a 16 year relationship, a 11 year marriage, and a 5 year old son I think that I can no longer continue in my marriage.

Various factors meant we drifted apart (big one - he refused for us to have a 2nd child) and I had an internet affair. He found out in Jan 06 and we have been in counselling since.

Ya think your or any marriage has any shot of surviving with one foot out the door as you have especially with dishonesty? Think about!

 

Is his refusal for not having another child with you was your way of punishing him by having an online affair? That's very mature of you.

 

I have tried to finish it with this guy (dh thinks I have) but I can't, yes or won't.

You said it right on target! You have absolutely NO INTENTION of cutting your addiction with this OM because he fulfills your fantasy. So rather than being honest to your husband who deserves the truth, you'd rather glee in dishonesty. So what does your H gets from you?

 

1) possible STD

2) painful betrayal

3) dishonest partner

4) a potential psycho OM who will harm you and your family

5) OM's SO or wife (which you might not know) who might be apotential psycho and mayl come after you and your family.

 

Hmmm....the (ROI) Return On Investment) on this OM doesn't look promising, does it?

 

I have no realised that whether it works out with internet guy or not, I can no longer try in marriage.

Then go find out if MR. ONLINE PHANTHOM will make you tick. BUT don't drag your husband into your selfish behavior. That's what affair is. A selfish act.

 

I am wanting to stay through the holidays to make it less painful for my son, but also for dh.

Why bother waiting through the holidays? You are doing NOTHING more than prolonging the inevitable. Do you think 30 days will make a difference in your honesty? Or are you waiting to see what presents and tidings your hubby the Santa Claus and his family will bring you? And since it may be your last holiday with the family you want to "pretend" to revel in it? Why continue be deceitful to your husband's family? Besides, your 5 year old son is NOT capable of understanding of why Mommy will try to go off to the winter sunset with Mr. Phanthom.

 

Reread your post. It's all about YOU! I, I, I! Then take a good look at yourself in the mirror and do some soul searching.

 

While you're on this website and on this section of "divorce & separation" read the post "If I wanted this...why am I so miserable?" She has gone and been where you are about to go.

 

Go ahead...jump to the other side of the fence and see if that side is greener. Many who "thought" it was greener, only to discover that they just stepped on a bigger pile of sh*t.

[Guest]

I understand your view point, especially having read your other postings. In the interest of space I did not state all the circumstances and therefore understand how my posting appeared to be totally self-centered. I maybe would have felt similairly to someone else (although not stated quite like you did, but still) had I read that 2 years ago, But here I find myself.

 

I realise what I am doing is wrong. I also have the financial ability ( I work to save peoples lives - see not totally self centered!) to leave. But I have tried hard to make this work, and yes I have been honested with the counsellor and to my husband in how I feel (barring still being in contact, and yes thanks I know thats a huge deal). Anyway, I am not just waiting out my time through the holidays, but want to feel that we have tried for a year. I realise this cannot continue like this

[Guest]

Ya think your or any marriage has any shot of surviving with one foot out the door as you have especially with dishonesty? Think about!

 

Is his refusal for not having another child with you was your way of punishing him by having an online affair? That's very mature of you.

 

It was certainly not my way of punishing him, but it was one example contributing to my unhappiness.

 

 

You said it right on target! You have absolutely NO INTENTION of cutting your addiction with this OM because he fulfills your fantasy. So rather than being honest to your husband who deserves the truth, you'd rather glee in dishonesty. So what does your H gets from you?

 

1) possible STD

2) painful betrayal

3) dishonest partner

4) a potential psycho OM who will harm you and your family

5) OM's SO or wife (which you might not know) who might be apotential psycho and mayl come after you and your family.

 

We have met, he has a wife, and there is a reason why he cannot leave her at present (not his opinion - the law)

 

Hmmm....the (ROI) Return On Investment) on this OM doesn't look promising, does it?

 

 

Then go find out if MR. ONLINE PHANTHOM will make you tick. BUT don't drag your husband into your selfish behavior. That's what affair is. A selfish act.

 

 

Why bother waiting through the holidays? You are doing NOTHING more than prolonging the inevitable. Do you think 30 days will make a difference in your honesty? Or are you waiting to see what presents and tidings your hubby the Santa Claus and his family will bring you? And since it may be your last holiday with the family you want to "pretend" to revel in it? Why continue be deceitful to your husband's family? Besides, your 5 year old son is NOT capable of understanding of why Mommy will try to go off to the winter sunset with Mr. Phanthom.

 

He has stated he is not buying me any presents. Believe me if money was a motivating factor, I would stay in a marriage where I don';t love him and reap the benefits. But wait - that would be dishonest too - to say I love him when I don't?

 

Reread your post. It's all about YOU! I, I, I! Then take a good look at yourself in the mirror and do some soul searching.

 

While you're on this website and on this section of "divorce & separation" read the post "If I wanted this...why am I so miserable?" She has gone and been where you are about to go.

 

Go ahead...jump to the other side of the fence and see if that side is greener. Many who "thought" it was greener, only to discover that they just stepped on a bigger pile of sh*t.

 

Thats why I didn't leave a year ago

[FlyingHigh]

I realise what I am doing is wrong. I also have the financial ability ( I work to save peoples lives - see not totally self centered!)

Behavior at work is not the same as behavior in personal relationship/marriage and it's easier to seperate the two. At work, it's a necessity to check out your personal issues before you clock in because if you don't, with your job, you're liable to lose a life.

 

But I have tried hard to make this work, and yes I have been honested with the counsellor and to my husband in how I feel (barring still being in contact, and yes thanks I know thats a huge deal).

How can you when you just admitted on your first post which you wrote:

I have tried to finish it with this guy (dh thinks I have) but I can't, yes or won't.

You call this honesty? Stop fooling yourself.

 

You can't possibly think that you "really tried" to make this work for a year when you've got one foot out the door and one foot it. You either have both feet in the door or you don't. And you don't!

 

Thats why I didn't leave a year ago

Then wait no more. Leave! Like I said, do you honestly think it will make one iota difference if you left 30 days from now for you? But it will make a whole lot of difference for you husband if you left now. The sooner you leave, the sooner he can repair and heal on what you are about to do.

 

Good luck to you and your online guy.

[Guest OMG]

After a 16 year relationship, a 11 year marriage, and a 5 year old son I think that I can no longer continue in my marriage.

Various factors meant we drifted apart (big one - he refused for us to have a 2nd child) and I had an internet affair. He found out in Jan 06 and we have been in counselling since.

 

I have tried to finish it with this guy (dh thinks I have) but I can't, yes or won't. I have no realised that whether it works out with internet guy or not, I can no longer try in marriage. I am wanting to stay through the holidays to make it less painful for my son, but also for dh.

How can I do that and prepare them for what is to come?

Thanks for comments

 

well i think ur doing the right thing ...not enuff ppl stand up for themselfs and go through life wondering wat if ....more ppl should start putting themselfs first instead of staying in dead end marriages.... and far be it for any 1 to judge u unless they been through the same thing ur going through ..which i doubt any of these lot have ..self centred narrow minded sad pathetic gits..DO ANY OF U LOT KNOW WAT ITS LIKE TO BE TRULY IN LOVE ... OR TO FALL OUT OFF LOVE..OR TO HAVE TRIED UR BEST AND NOT GET ANY WHERE FAST ????? NO I DIDNT THINK SO .....

[anna13]

I think that you should tell your husband how you feel and tell him you are not staying. If you are thinking about staying around through the holidays i dont think that is a good idea. if anything seperate and then visit on Thanksgiving and on christmas. i dont think making your family believe that you are happy in this marriage is going to help, it will just confuse. when you seperate just make sure to try to keep the routine for your child the same as posible. If someone doesnt want a second child you can't make them do it . has your husband done anything else bad other then say he doesnt want a second child? if your not happy you have to just tell him . there is no easy way .

[Gunny376]

If you're a health care provider ~ then you understand the senselessness of letting others suffer when there's no need to do ~ let alone to increase their suffering. Would you let a poor animial suffer ~ if you absolutely knew for sure and certain that there's no more that can be done? No, you wouldn't. Then why do you want to increase your husband's suffering if you know for a fact that there's no hope for the marriage.

 

Do you know what Thanksgiving and XMAS truly is? Its another day in November and December ~ and that's all it it when you wife walks out on you! Do the guy a favor and let him know what the real deal is, so that he can get on with his life and get on with healing.

[jmargel]

You really need to tell us the whole story behind all of this. Start from when you two met..

[dgiirl]

DO ANY OF U LOT KNOW WAT ITS LIKE TO BE TRULY IN LOVE ... OR TO FALL OUT OFF LOVE..OR TO HAVE TRIED UR BEST AND NOT GET ANY WHERE FAST ????? NO I DIDNT THINK SO .....

 

Are you daft? You're posting in the divorce support forum. I do believe we all know what's going on.

 

But it's hard to claim you "tried your best" when you're having an affair for a _year_. Trying your best is stop contacting the OM, going into counselling, focusing directly on counselling, doing everything the counsellor suggest, and then after a year, if it's impossible to fix, then and only then can you honestly say you tried your best. When you lie to your counsellor, lie to your husband and lie to yourself, you're not doing your best.

 

Anyways, dont be a coward and tell your husband now. Yah, you're going to be the "bad" guy, but waiting is just one more selfish act. My exh waited 3 years to tell me anything was wrong. 3 years!! You know how painful that was. And his excuse was 1) he couldnt handle the stress of a new job and a divorce at the same time (plus i helped him with the finances of his new job) 2) he didnt want to see me cry. He put my life on hold for 3 years cos he couldnt see me cry? I'm not a child. It just showed how much disrespect he had for me. He didnt even give me the respect to know what was going on with him. That there were problems. It was purely selfish and arrogance on his side.

[Gunny376]

Are you daft? You're posting in the divorce support forum. I do believe we all know what's going on.

 

But it's hard to claim you "tried your best" when you're having an affair for a _year_. Trying your best is stop contacting the OM, going into counselling, focusing directly on counselling, doing everything the counsellor suggest, and then after a year, if it's impossible to fix, then and only then can you honestly say you tried your best. When you lie to your counsellor, lie to your husband and lie to yourself, you're not doing your best.

 

Anyways, dont be a coward and tell your husband now. Yah, you're going to be the "bad" guy, but waiting is just one more selfish act. My exh waited 3 years to tell me anything was wrong. 3 years!! You know how painful that was. And his excuse was 1) he couldnt handle the stress of a new job and a divorce at the same time (plus i helped him with the finances of his new job) 2) he didnt want to see me cry. He put my life on hold for 3 years cos he couldnt see me cry? I'm not a child. It just showed how much disrespect he had for me. He didnt even give me the respect to know what was going on with him. That there were problems. It was purely selfish and arrogance on his side.

 

 

Arrrrgggh, Arrrrgggh! Grrrrrr! Grrrrrr! Get some Dgiirl! Get some of that USDA Prime Azz!

[lisapizza]

After a 16 year relationship, a 11 year marriage, and a 5 year old son I think that I can no longer continue ...I can no longer try in marriage. I am wanting to stay through the holidays to make it less painful for my son

If you don't love him, get out. Imagine if you would have HAD another child, I think you still would have had this affair. You never said how you felt about your H/, sounds to me like it was over along time ago...I don't blame you for staying til after the holidays though, but you are doing no one any good by dragging this on longer than that..if it's about your son, and your're in a loveless marriage your son will eventually figure it out and that will effect him for a long time..

[Guest]

If you don't love him, get out.Imagine if you would have HAD another child, I think you still would have had this affair. You never said how you felt about your H/, sounds to me like it was over along time ago...I don't blame you for staying til after the holidays though, but you are doing no one any good by dragging this on longer than that..if it's about your son, and your're in a loveless marriage your son will eventually figure it out and that will effect him for a long time

 

Thanks for your comments. I told him last spring that I had fallen out of love, but still cared and wanted to see if we could work through our issues and maybe I would fall back in love. I have also recently told him, that I am still not in love with him and I am doubtful that I will be.

 

We are both in agreement that we should not stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of our son - I agree with your comments, that is not a good role model for our son. I have also told H that I do not want to drag this on forever if I can not fall back in love. We are now discussing separation - if and when.