Should I break-up with him for not wanting to go on a holiday with me ?

[angelkra]

Hi

Reading your msg reminds me of your love like,i will like us to have a date and time as i gota a lot to discuss with you.why cant you get back to me with your mail contact so we discuss much better.

have a wonderful day.

yours

pee

[Walk]

Uh.. okay.

 

 

Anyway...

 

FloweryElena, try not to take any of the posts on here as a direct attack on you. You are the only one who really knows your situation, and you're the only one who's judgement of your actions matters. So please try to read the posts as unbiasedly as possible, and just take it in. If it doesn't fit, throw it out. Give it some thought though, don't just go with your first gut reaction.

 

I really would not be happy with the situation that you're in. No matter who paid for what or when. It wouldnt' matter. I'd feel neglected and like I was second place to the exgf. And that's definitely not something I ever want to feel in my life.

 

I think if I were in your shoes what would frustrate me the most is that his helping the ex is being portrayed as "being a good person". You can't fight against that. I mean, what would you say, "Stop being a good person?". I think you'd have better results if you approached things differently. Stepped around the "good person" aspect and confronted the core of the problem.

 

Like when you say you want him to spend as much money on you as he does on her, what I think you're really asking for is for him to treat you as special as he does her. Not to spend the same amount, but for him to WANT to treat you like someone special in his life. To show you appreciation for the good things you do for him. To show that he understands and values you as a person and for what you bring to the relationship.

 

Maybe next time you talk to him.. Forget bringing up the money/vacation aspect. Just tell him that you want to be valued and appreicated, and his actions are saying that you aren't. Explain to him what you want (you have to know what that is first.. like, do you want more dates together, more affection, more of an effort to find time to be with you..clarify what would make you feel more loved.) Then the both of you attempt to find a comprimise that will allow both of you to be happy in the relationship.

 

I would completely drop the "vacation" idea for now, and look for a smaller goal. He'll always have a really good excuse not to take a vacation. So try just a single date where the two of you can reconnect. Try to comprimise by finding something you two can do together that isn't costly and won't take a week of time. Maybe only a evening, or day event. Something he can't push off with it's too much money, too much time off. If he won't comprimise, then you have your answer. Give him a couple different options, and if he refuses those, then he really doesn't care how you feel about things.

 

But personally.. I think you should drop kick the guy into his ex's place and tell him to never come back. He's in love with his ex. He just can't stand to live with her. So he uses you as his surogate warm body, and panders to her heart.

[noclobber]

FloweryElena appears to be like a gold-digger or someone that wants a free ride but I bet she is not that type of a person. She is only being perceived that way. That sure is not the reality. She should have probably worded her thread in a different way. All those sentences about vacation and who should pay for it turned the tide. In my opinion I don't think that is her real concern. Sure she is concerned about her boyfriend being reluctant to go for the vacation and bear the expenses BUT she is concerned BECAUSE he is not reluctant for similar things if it was his ex. I guess that's the real problem here.

 

FloweryElena do you know how long they were together? Is there something going on that you are not aware of? I am not an expert in relationships but my common sense says that it is highly unusual for a guy to give MORE attention and money to his ex than his current girlfriend.

 

My advice for you would be to have a conversation with him about this. In my eyes you are already an admirable woman for allowing your boyfriend to meet so regularly with his ex. Just be prudent and know what else is going on between them. You need to say that you are concerned about his ex getting more than you. Based on his responses you can make a decision to stay or leave.

 

Good Luck to you! (you really need lots of it)

[FloweryElena]

I am not an articulate person. I am sorry if what I wrote caused misunderstanding. Most probably I didn't tell the story in a more appropriate way. I don't think I am a gold-digger. If I was, I wouldn't have been with this guy. I would have found myself some sugar daddy or some filthy rich guy. If I was just in for a free-ride, I wouldn't have done things for him when he was struggling. Maybe I didn't use the right words.

 

Anyways, things have shifted to worse. I had a talk with him. It came with a compromise, or a condition, rather. He said he will take me now, if, after we come back from the holidays, I must not ask him to go anywhere. Whether its for a holiday or a short trip or to outstation. That I must let him do what he wants as he is very busy with some tight schedule. He said, it was too early to go for a holiday, but he bought the tickets anyway, so I should be thankful and contented with that.

 

Plus, he said, the only holiday he is going to pay next, is for his ex to go for a holiday in Hawaii. Because she deserves a break after having gone a really rough time. And he stressed again that I should be lucky that he is taking me and paid for the holiday with me when I didn't go as much hardship as the ex. He once told me loving a person doesn't stop after they break-up. That is why he still cares dearly for her. And any girl who doesn't accept this isn't worth his time or his love.

 

I think I was naive. I think I wanted to be with him so badly that I went into this relationship blindly. My friends tells me that I am just asking for trouble and heartache when I accepted his ex in his life. They say if he goes back to her, it will be by own doing. I don't think I can take this much longer. Someone give me the strength to let go.

[ehead]

I think your original post sort of came off the wrong way FE, and the replies reflect that.

 

It is pretty open minded of you to accept him hanging out with and giving money to his ex. Probably not a lot of people would.

 

I do think jealousy is a factor in all this though. Perhaps you are in denial about it. From what you've said it's probably warrented jealousy. I know I'd be jealous if my girlfriend was buying TV sets or whatnot for her ex, in addition to hanging out with him frequently.

 

You shouldn't put so much emphasis on this holiday though. It's impossible to tell from that alone how someone feels about you. Does he show you he loves you in other ways ?

 

Could be he is just content with the status-quo right now, and isn't ready for a lot of emotional intimacy. Maybe things will change, maybe not. If emotional intimacy is really important to you, it may be better that you leave if he seems incapable of that. After all, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be in love, and to be loved back. I just don't think a holiday should be the litmus test for love.

[norajane]

Anyways, things have shifted to worse. I had a talk with him. It came with a compromise, or a condition, rather. He said he will take me now, if, after we come back from the holidays, I must not ask him to go anywhere. Whether its for a holiday or a short trip or to outstation. That I must let him do what he wants as he is very busy with some tight schedule. He said, it was too early to go for a holiday, but he bought the tickets anyway, so I should be thankful and contented with that.

 

Plus, he said, the only holiday he is going to pay next, is for his ex to go for a holiday in Hawaii. Because she deserves a break after having gone a really rough time. And he stressed again that I should be lucky that he is taking me and paid for the holiday with me when I didn't go as much hardship as the ex. He once told me loving a person doesn't stop after they break-up. That is why he still cares dearly for her. And any girl who doesn't accept this isn't worth his time or his love.

 

I think I was naive. I think I wanted to be with him so badly that I went into this relationship blindly. My friends tells me that I am just asking for trouble and heartache when I accepted his ex in his life. They say if he goes back to her, it will be by own doing. I don't think I can take this much longer. Someone give me the strength to let go.

 

Yes, sweets, I think you have been blind to his unusual connection with his ex. His heart cannot be yours because it is already hers.

 

YOu can let go. Just imagine how wonderful it would be to be with a man who is yours and who cares for you as much as you care for him. The longer you stay with this man, the longer it's going to be before you can meet a man who will be yours and yours only.

[westernxer]

I don't see how you can want a guy who holds a torch for his ex?

 

Must be a competitive thing.

[noclobber]

FloweryElena,

 

The situation appears to be more complicated now.

 

I really feel for you... You seem to be a good woman. I guess you were totally naive when you agreed for your boyfriend to meet with his ex.

 

I think the question now is -> Does your boyfriend love his ex more than he loves you?

 

I am so sorry to tell you this but to me it looks like the answer is yes. He seems to be so accomodating when it comes to his ex but is laying down the rules when it comes to you.

 

As painful as it is the best thing for you to do now would be to remove yourself from this situation BEFORE it gets more complicated and more painful.

 

NC

[Spinderella]

Buy him out on the tickets and go with somebody else. I think you have recieved alot of harsh replies, and only a few people such as Walk, were able to see what you were really trying to say.

I think the more you try and fight for some proof of his feelings for you, the more unhappy you will become, and the more reluctant he will be to give. Perhaps what you should do is just back off yourself for a while. Take some space for yourself to see what is really happening, and allow him the space also to see what he really feels. Theres no need to discuss this with him, you have already discussed enough, just cool off a bit. Dont see him during the week when it is convenient for him, say it is not convenient for you. You say you are basically happy with seeing him only weekdays, yet you also say you want to see him more.

I think you are afraid of the real answer to your question, I also would go so far as to wonder whether you picked this particular problem, including presenting it in the way you did, because you are afraid of the answer to your real question.

Be strong, step back, DO NOT discuss this with him. You will begin to feel stronger and clearer. Take some deep breaths and look at the situation again. Do not contact him until you are sure about him.

[Walk]

FE.. You should be mad! This isn't about him being a "good person". He has no problems planning an extravagent vacation for his ex to Hawaii, but he makes it seem as if you're asking him to pull his kidney out to spend some time with you. WTF?

 

Seriously FE. Give him whatever the vacation cost, and get out! This will only get worse.

 

By the way... What an AZZ! He basically told you that your life was cush, and that you didn't rate a vacation because you have it so easy. Whatever. Did he forget all that help you gave him while he was bumbling around with pretending to run a business? Didn't you say he lasted all of 3 months with that??? And who was there to pick him back up... You, wasn't it? Where's his gratitude? Where's his appreciation? He has none! He turns it all around and starts in on how some girl he isn't dating, might have kind of a hard life. WHO CARES!!!!!! Don't you count in this relationship?!?!?! WHat about your life? What about how hard you've worked!!! ... You've accepted him, and try to understand him, and you HELP him with his life? He ignores all that 'cause he's so damned focused on what some ex does. Big Wah! So what the ex has problems. You went through a hell of a lot too, and you're still there fighting harder and harder to get him to even acknowledge you exist. And his response....? He's trying to convince you it's right that he should spend more time with his ex and less with you.

 

Get rid of him! He does NOT deserve to be with you. You've got too much love to be wasting on some azz who doesn't even notice you. Kick him to the curb. Don't you deserve to be treated with respect and love too? At the very least, show yourself the respect and love you deserve. Get rid of this guy before he drags you down even further.

[obsession]

I take back what I said earlier. I might have misunderstood you because you sounded like you care more about the holiday than her boyfriend.

 

But your bf's attitude is all wrong that you're lucky to ...blah, blah, blah. Relationships have compromises but it sounds like he just wants to call all the shots. And it also sounds like he's doing far too much for an ex, even if they're just friends now. It sounds like he's trying to buy her love back.

 

In your case, he's obviously not over his ex and you shouldn't have to be stuck in the middle trying to win his heart over. It should be easier than that. I'd say you break up with him and find someone who will appreciate you instead of someone who is clearly still not over his ex.

 

It'll give you a better peace of mind than what you're going through right now. Good luck.

[FloweryElena]

Thanks obsession and the rest of you guys for your support and understanding ... It's been really rough for the past week.

 

I talked to him and told him maybe we should cancel the trip but the flight was already booked and he was mad at me for being fickle. He said after he had called the agent to book the flight and then I wanted to cancel it when he was reluctant to go in the first place, he was upset. He said he doesn't have the time for my insecurities. OK. So we went. And the time there, when we were out shopping, he was looking for stuff for his ex. He saw a dress on display, and he said, she would have like that. He went in to ask whether they had other colors for the dress and they didn't have the color that she would have liked. I think I nearly had a breakdown there. I didn't know whether he was doing that on purpose to spite me. And he saw some other stuff and he was more interested in the stuff his ex would have liked. But in the end, he didn't buy anything for her. All the time there, he was moody. Sometimes he would joke with me, act lovingly then the next minute act cold. He said since he was there, he might as well enjoy himself.

 

Since we are back, I told him I needed some space. And he said, okay, whatever makes me happy. The day after we came back, he called his ex and asked her when he could go over to her place. He told me if I can't trust him, no point being with him. He said it's was a good idea to have some time apart.

 

It's so hard for me to let go. I want to but it hurts so bad. It feels like after all I have done for him, nothing matters. He asked what I wanted. I told him I just wanted to go for the vacation to spend time with him, and he said, well, I got it and he doesn't want to hear anymore complaining.

 

I know I should breakup with him. Why is it so hard ? Can someone tell me how do I force myself to let go ?

[IpAncA]

omg omg after reading that he was looking for a dress for his ex, I would have just cried. I can't believe he did that. I'm so sorry that you had a bad vacation with him.

 

Yes you should break up with him. He still has feeling for his ex and is still in contact with her. He's not fooling me none.

 

I know its hard to let him go but think of all the things that he has done in regards to his ex that is unacceptable. Do you really want to say with someone who is treating you this way. You are better off without him and there are other men in this world who are more respectful and know how to be in one on one relationship that doesn't involve other women.

 

We can't force you to let him go but once you do, you'll be much happier with someone else.

[Walk]

I think you might have an esier time in this if you start taking control of your own life again. Asking for space is a good step.. a step in the right direction. But he seems to have stolen your thunder by being so happy about having time apart. Which could make a person feel like they don't matter, like they have to make that person see that they do need them. It could cause you to feel that the time apart is actually something for him, and not for you at all. Which causes you to feel that he still has all the control, the last say in the matter.

 

What a terrible feeling to have to go through (this whole relationship). Wish I could give you a big hug and make everything all better. Then I would kick this guys butt for treating you like crap and for not appreciating how great you are!

 

I think if I were in your shoes, besides kicking him to the curb, I'd start getting my life back together as an "individual" person. Are there things you've been putting off because of this relationship? Or anything that you would like to do, but haven't felt you had the time? I've always found that the best way to start feeling more positive about myself is to take up something that helps me grow as an individual. Like a training course for my career, or exercise, or I'll pick up a new hobby and throw myself into it. Time with family and friends really help too.

 

Oh, and get a journal and start writing in it. Every time you feel like you're losing your head, write in the journal. I've also found it helps in figuring out what's changeable, and what's not. And if you can look back through the pages and see entry after entry of bad feelings caused by one person, it really makes you understand how LONG this one single person has made you feel like crap. And no one should have that much power over you that they destroy your chance at happiness in life. Maybe having a record of everything will help you understand what needs to happen. Right now, you're only seeing things emotionally. There are patterns here that you aren't seeing, and a written record can help you put those together.

[laniwill65]

I'm so sorry about your situation FE. He's a creep:mad: , but you're gonna do just fine.