norajane Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 As for his ex, it was HIM that wanted to support her. He had told her to quit her job when they were together because of her bipolar. So after they broke up, he still wanted to keep on supporting her. I see it as he being a very good guy who cares for another human being. She did wanted to work but he said no to her and asked her to do whatever she wanted and he will support he. Is she his ex-wife? Even if she were his ex-wife, this still sounds awfully strange. It's not normal for a guy to support someone he isn't with. I'd be way more concerned about their relationship than about the vacation.
Walk Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Is she his ex-wife? Even if she were his ex-wife, this still sounds awfully strange. It's not normal for a guy to support someone he isn't with. I'd be way more concerned about their relationship than about the vacation. I second that! I've met some incredibly wonderful, caring, supportive men in my life... but this supportive? Uhm... says to me that he's still madly in love with the woman, he just can't stand living with her. FloweryElena, I think you're being a bit too accepting. And possibly naive about the situation. Take out all the words he's every told you and look only at his actions for a minute. What do his actions tell you? If what you see is still the same as what he's telling you, then chances are he's saying the truth. If what you get is a very different picture, then he's lying. But what I hear you saying is that he does a ton of stuff for an ex, that he won't do for you. He treats her special. Buys her really expensive things. Gives his time and effort to help her. And doesn't for you. What do his actions tell you?
lighthouse Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 His business went down after a few months and it has since closed. So now, he doesnt need to pay for his business. I didnt think it was wrong to ask for a vacation. I thought it was a much deserved break since he has been struggling for a few months. And I didnt actually ask him to pay for it. Although I did hope that he would pay for it. Does this mean that his business went out of business? Then that is even worse IMO/IME. If my business fell apart I would really be upset and hard-pressed to take a vacation with someone. I don't think it is wrong to suggest a vacation but, come one, you know that although you didn't outright say "pay for me to go on vacation" you certainly hinted that he should pay. Ultimately by not offering to pay for it yourself you were saying to him "and you should pay for it." The thing, to me, is not that you wanted to take a vacation. What gets me is that this man's business just went down and you expected him to pay for you to go on vacation. Other people feel that the ex is a big deal. My question is this: Why didn't you pay for your own vacation? Or, if it was so important to you, why didn't you pay for his vacation? lighthouse
rina_r Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Although he was hesistate to. Elena, are you from Russia or something like that? Yes, over there men pay for everything just because women cant make enough due to sex/age discrimination. This is America - go work and split it with him. You are in this relationship together.
bab Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Am I not doing what he wants ? I'm willing to bet that after having you imply that you deserved a vacation on his tab, he is worried that he's going to have the samet type of situation with you that he has with his ex. He's trying to figure out if you really love him for who he is, or see him as a meal ticket.
Kamille Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 So if I get it correctly, the tickets for the trip have been bought... So the cost isn't an issue anymore. The issue is why he won't make time to go on a trip with you. Or put another way, the issue is that you would love to have some time alone with your bf. Who's business just went under so he's probably not feeling so great. And maybe you feel you need to rekindle things or that time away would help you both put the last months aside for a little bit... Is that it?
Ripples Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 You're contradicting yourself. Initially you say that you asked for a holiday, and you asked him to pay for it: I have been with this guy for a total of 8 months. At around the 4th month, I told him that I wanted to go on a holiday with him and asked him to pay for it. Then you say you asked him, but not directly: Actually, I didn't directly ask him to pay for the trip, I used a more subtle way Then, finally, you imply that you asked him and in the same paragraph that you didn't ask him: I didnt think it was wrong to ask for a vacation. I thought it was a much deserved break since he has been struggling for a few months. And I didnt actually ask him to pay for it. Although I did hope that he would pay for it. Which is it?
FloweryElena Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Ok ... Here's the story ... He started his business in March/April. I asked whether we could go for the vacation fair which was in May/June. Because it was an open ticket. We could just buy the tickets first then go anytime we want to. At the time around June, he got some extra money and so happen it was during the vacation fair, I asked him whether we could go. I did said to him, since he had some extra money and the vacation fair was on, whether we could get the tickets. So we already bought the tickets in June. I didn't say 'Let's go for a vacation and you pay for it.' But I did wanted him to pay for it, which he did, somewhat reluctantly. Ok perhaps he felt he had no choice but to pay for it since he was able to buy his ex, let alone a holiday with me. His business went bust in September. Kamille is partly right. Yes, I do want to spend more time with him because I don't see him that much on normal days. And I thought, since the tickets have been bought and his business just went bust, maybe its a good time to getaway. Just that it was his reluctance to go for the fair, his reluctance to pay when he could pay for stuff for his ex, his reluctance to go for the trip and kept on wanting to postpone it. And initially, he said he was busy with his work, then his business, and then with helping his ex move house. My problem is .. whether his reluctance is a sign that he is indeed reluctance to be with me. And that whether I should get out before it's too late.
Ripples Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 My problem is .. whether his reluctance is a sign that he is indeed reluctance to be with me. Yes. I would say so.
lighthouse Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 My problem is .. whether his reluctance is a sign that he is indeed reluctance to be with me. And that whether I should get out before it's too late. I think it is. I would feel the same way if I were him just based on the financial part of it (see bab's earlier response). You still haven't answered why you didn't pay for you own vacation? I don't get it. I have never and would never ask someone to pay for a vacation for me - especially if he has a failed business . I would think it was nice if they did but I would never expect it or even hope that they would. Is it a cultural thing like rina_r suggested? It has to be, doesn't it? lighthouse
FloweryElena Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 No. It is not a cultural thing. And no, I didn't ask him for the vacation when or after his business got bust. I ask him for a vacation during that time when it was also coincidence was during the time of the vacation fair. I am not THAT inconsiderate to ask him to pay when his business just busted. I am asking him to go now since his business has gone bust and I thought both of us could use a break. And the vacation has been paid even before his business went bust. The vacation ticket was bought in June. His business failed in September. So dont brand me like I am some kind of a witch. And yes, I do admit I do want him to pay. Yes, I can pay for my own holiday. But I want him pay for it because he not only earns 3x more than me, he can buy his ex stuff which cost more than the vacation itself, so why can't he pay for this vacation with me. And I do admit, I did expect him to pay, othewise, I would have resented the hell out of him. Perhaps, I did want him to prove to me that he was willing to spend money on me. But I dont think it is because I am jealous, more of being fair to me. For example, if you had 2 children, the older has gone to college, and the younger one is about to go into college. Would you let the younger one go to a less expensive college than the older one, even though you had the money and he didnt want to go to that college ?
Ripples Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 You and his ex are not his children. It's a ridiculous comparison. If he is really in love with you, then he'd, at the very least, give you an explanation for why he wouldn't go on holiday with you that you would find reasonable.
FloweryElena Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 We are not his children. Correct. If she was his ex-wife and I am his wife, would it be any different ? Does he love me enough or am just some meaningless companion to him ? Whether his relunctance is a red flag in the relationship or its just something some people do. I would like to find out now than later. If it is red flag and a guy who loves a girl shouldnt be acting all hesitate to go on a holiday with me, then I am going to it serious thought whether I should be with him.
Ripples Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 But you're not his wife, and his ex isn't his ex wife. Again, another silly comparison. No! He doesn't love you enough! Dump him!
rina_r Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Exactly! Dump him, he deserves better than you.
norajane Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 a guy who loves a girl shouldnt be acting all hesitate to go on a holiday with me, then I am going to it serious thought whether I should be with him. You should definitely give it some serious thought. He should want to go on vacation with you - you are his girlfriend. However, give even more serious thought to what is going on with him and his ex. He is supporting her financially, and he seems to treat her better than he treats you. Also, you only get a little of his time on weekdays while he does his own thing on weekends - weekends is when he presumably has more time because he's not working? Why doesn't he want to spend that time with you? Why won't he plan anything with you for the weekend? Does he spend his weekends with his ex?
lighthouse Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 So dont brand me like I am some kind of a witch. And yes, I do admit I do want him to pay. Yes, I can pay for my own holiday. But I want him pay for it because he not only earns 3x more than me, he can buy his ex stuff which cost more than the vacation itself, so why can't he pay for this vacation with me. And I do admit, I did expect him to pay, othewise, I would have resented the hell out of him. Don't ask for advice and then complain when you hear what you don't want to hear. Sorry you would have resented the hell out of him. I bet now he resents the hell out of you. If you can pay for your own holiday then why in god's name wouldn't you? Am I missing something here? lighthouse
rina_r Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Am I missing something here? lighthouse Yes, she wants a free ride. You know, Elena, when you really love and care about a person, you want to do things for them (including trips, going out, etc.) Do you ever pay for meals? Do you ever take him out? Or do you think it is only guy's responsibility?
Kamille Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 i can't help but feel that OP is not getting the support she came to LS to find. the way I see it, she just chose a materialistic way of presenting the issue of whether or not his action means he's not taking her into consideration. It just so happens the actions she's questioning are about how he spends his money. I don't see why we should judge that. Under all the who-should-pay-for-what-talk lies a real emotional issue. So, Flowery Elena, what else does your boyfriend do for you? What do you do for you? What is the bond that you two share? When it's good between you two, what is it that makes it really really good?
lighthouse Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 i can't help but feel that OP is not getting the support she came to LS to find. the way I see it, she just chose a materialistic way of presenting the issue of whether or not his action means he's not taking her into consideration. It just so happens the actions she's questioning are about how he spends his money. I don't see why we should judge that. Under all the who-should-pay-for-what-talk lies a real emotional issue. So, Flowery Elena, what else does your boyfriend do for you? What do you do for you? What is the bond that you two share? When it's good between you two, what is it that makes it really really good? Probably so Kamille but I think her question was why he was reluctant to go on vacation with her and a lot of us have responded that we would be reluctant if we were him because of the financial reasons. But yes there must be issues underneath the financial stuff. Leaving soapbox. lh
FloweryElena Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I am so sorry, Lighthouse that you are such an angel. Why did you leave heaven ? I am sure you never ask anyone to do something you wanted which you can do for yourself. Yes, I paid for his meals and I paid for his gas for his bike. I paid for his medical expenses when he had an accident during those months. I paid for his transportation of his business stuff. All of that when he was starting out his business and he didn't have much money. And on top of that, he was supporting his ex. So he had little money left. I wasn't even angry or upset when the fact that he didn't have to support his ex. If he didn't have to support his ex, he would have the extra cash for his business. But I stuck by him those times. So, I am not here for the free ride. I am not asking WHY he was reluctant to pay for the trip and to go with me. When I asked him to for the trip, he already had the money. Does anyone get it ? He had the money already. He had the money and he was paying for stuff for his ex. He just was hesistate to go for the vacation fair, which in the end he went and bought the tickets. His business had taken off by then. And after the tickets have been bought, he again was reluctant to go for the trip even after I explained to him that now is best time to go since he had been struggling for the past months. And on top of that, he doesn't spend much time with me, from the time we started dating up till now. And yet he still doesn't seem like he wants to spend time with me. That is what I am worry about. I am asking whether is reluctance means something that I should be worried about.
obsession Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 This thread is getting ridiculous. Yes, FloweryElana - it was rude to ask for a holiday. If he wants to take you somewhere, he should do it willingly, without all the hesitation. You can always split half. It doesn't matter how much money he makes or how much he gives to his ex (that is none of your business since you're not married); if you're not happy that he is supporting his ex financially, then you shouldn't to be "accepting" of this situation. It's causing built-up resentful. Maybe your bf has a good reason for helping out his ex, maybe she's in trouble and you don't know about it, but none of us do. Talk to your boyfriend. Get the lines of communication open. The blame is not entirely on you. Your boyfriend is at fault to be hanging out with the ex so much. If you're having so much doubts about this relationship and he is hesitating so much to spend time with you, then something is obviously wrong. People wants to spend time with people they care about, and maybe you're just not it. We don't know you, and we don't know him, so unless you talk to your boyfriend openly, you'll eventually break up over it. Do it the mature way. Talk it over.
DaintyPaws Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I think the people here are right. Most of us wouldn't even think of either hinting or requesting for a holiday so early in the relationship. Holidays, to me and I think most people would agree, is best taken after having gone through a rough period of time. And telling us that you did all those things for him in the beginning and now, you think you deserve a holiday ? No wonder most of us don't agree with you. Why did you even ask for a holiday so early in the relationship in the first place ? I am sure there will be other vacation fair later on. Although the money then, I think most would agree he hesitated to to get the tickets was because you ASK for it. I think he just paid for it to keep you from complaining that he was spending more money for his ex. I don't think he deserves you. The fact remains, you ASKED for the trip. What you should have done is kept on supporting him and helping him out with his new business. I am sure he still would have needed to put in extra money for the business. He probably does more thing for his ex, and most probably he does it willingly because I bet she didn't ask. Its like you did those stuff for me, hoping that you will be rewarded later. It doesn't work that way. And after all this, you asked to go now and he still want to postpone it and give you reasons, I think he just isn't that into you. Probably he now sees the real you and it's a big turn off.
lighthouse Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 I am so sorry, Lighthouse that you are such an angel. Why did you leave heaven ? I am sure you never ask anyone to do something you wanted which you can do for yourself. I guess I left heaven 30 years ago since I am 30 years old. This isn't about me but no Elena I do not ask people to pay for me. My father always taught me to pay my own way and then no one would ever expect anything off me. He is older and old fashioned and that is where I got it. I have not only paid for my own vacations but also paid for boyfriends vacations. Anyway, I think what we are saying - that you don't want to hear - is that yes he is reluctant and yes you should be wary. Or, heaven forbid:lmao: , you could ask him. Maybe you should ask him why he gives money to his ex and why he is reluctant to go on a vacation with you. Novel idea there. lighthouse :lmao: :lmao:
Stunner Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 This is what I believe to be an example of what is ok to do. My new boyfriend and I were recently talking about the things we want to make sure we do together and our personal lists of fears we want to conquer. On that list was a skinny dipping trip to a remote resort location where they had natural hot springs. So, I checked to make sure he was free and made him promise to remain so for a certain weekend, booked and paid for the trip and whisked him away to that private location where we had a wonderful time and really got comfortable with each other. We no sooner were checking out that he made it clear he intended to pay me for the room that I had reserved for us. He is just a gentleman and was uncomfortable with me paying for it. I told him I didn't really agree with it since it was my idea and I felt like I was picking his pocket. I took the check out of respect for his feelings. Now I know that I won't do that again unless we wind up married and I'm using family funds... He has since planned secret getaways on his own, without my prodding, pushing or poking. IMO, THAT is the way it should be. Mutually respectful.
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