Guest Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I have been with this guy for a total of 8 months. At around the 4th month, I told him that I wanted to go on a holiday with him and asked him to pay for it. He wasn't very thrilled about it and kept on giving me excuses. Finally, during a vacation fair, he gave in and we booked a holiday trip. Basically, it was an open ticket holiday. When we first got together, he wasn't financially stable as he was trying to build a part-time business with his friend. He spent quite an amount of money on the business. I figured both of us deserved a break. Now, I want to go for the holiday because I think its about time. He has postponed it many times, and each time citing he was busy with work or other stuff. We don't spend much time together in the first place. I see him twice on weekdays and he does his goes for his own stuff on weekends. Which I'm okay with that. We talked for a few hours about whether or not to go for the trip now. I had to convince him and pleaded with him that now is the time I want to go, and he has already postponed it several times. But I feel that he doesn't care much about me. Although he acts like he cares at times, but I don't feel good about this. I feel I am just a companion to him. Is this a warning sign that he doesn't love me ? And therefore, I should break-up with him ? Thanks for any advice.
littlekitty Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I told him that I wanted to go on a holiday with him and asked him to pay for it. I know I wouldn't be very interested if after 4 months you told me you wanted to go on holiday and I'd be needing to pay for you. I'd have probably shown you the door!!! Now if I'd offered, that would different entirely. Perhaps he's thinking about saving it for someone who doesn't tell him to pay for her holiday?
Ripples Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I know I wouldn't be very interested if after 4 months you told me you wanted to go on holiday and I'd be needing to pay for you. I'd have probably shown you the door!!! Now if I'd offered, that would different entirely. Perhaps he's thinking about saving it for someone who doesn't tell him to pay for her holiday? Ditto. That was pretty rude of you, OP.
hindsfeet Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 if hes starting a business, he may just be trying to be financially conscience. holiday trips for me cost hellaciously, of course im a partier. what would be some alternatives to offer. see if he would do something like a weekend away from all distractions with you in town but take time off from everything and just be alone. it is not costly. if he rejects, then id see a red flag. and start to wonder. i can remember wanting to do things but never doing them bc of money reasons . it kinda sucks and is not something you exactly wanna tell the people who are asking you to do things, because no one wants to say they are broke.
FloweryElena Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Ok, I just registered. I asked my boyfriend for a vacation because we had talked about saving up to go for one. At during that time, he was in the midst of changing jobs and he was paid some amount of money for his extra leave days and his new job was going to pay him twice the amount he got from his previous job. I thought since he had the extra cash already, we might as well go. And anyways, if he can pay to buy some stuff for his ex during that time, why can't he pay for a vacation with me ? He bought her a new fridge and other new appliances for her home. That already cost more than half of the trip. Actually, I didn't directly ask him to pay for the trip, I used a more subtle way. Was I wrong to even ask for a vacation ?
tanbark813 Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Was I wrong to even ask for a vacation ? Asking is not wrong but expecting him to pay is. Why don't you two split the cost?
lighthouse Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Asking is not wrong but expecting him to pay is. Why don't you two split the cost? Definitely true. Do the right thing and pay your own way or you could go as far as to pay his way. He did just start a business and it sounds like you are the one who wants to go so badly - not him. lighthouse
amaysngrace Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 And anyways, if he can pay to buy some stuff for his ex during that time, why can't he pay for a vacation with me ? He bought her a new fridge and other new appliances for her home. That already cost more than half of the trip. Was I wrong to even ask for a vacation ? Yeah, if jealousy was the driving force for your asking. It seems like it could be...
rina_r Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Perhaps he's thinking about saving it for someone who doesn't tell him to pay for her holiday? Exactly! Dont ask and it will come!
FloweryElena Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I don't think I did because I was jealous. I think I felt it was a bit unfair. He makes more money than I do, 3x more actually. So I shouldn't ask him to pay ? He gave his ex, a cheque for 2000 dollars for her birthday this year, and that is she is the ex. He says she was going through a tough time for the past year. Me, jealous ? Jealous of what ? She is the ex. He is with me. I just feel unfair. The vacation cost less than 1500 for 2 person. Don't see why he was hesitate to go. Who is selfish ? Me or him ?
lighthouse Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I don't think I did because I was jealous. I think I felt it was a bit unfair. He makes more money than I do, 3x more actually. So I shouldn't ask him to pay ? He gave his ex, a cheque for 2000 dollars for her birthday this year, and that is she is the ex. He says she was going through a tough time for the past year. Me, jealous ? Jealous of what ? She is the ex. He is with me. I just feel unfair. The vacation cost less than 1500 for 2 person. Don't see why he was hesitate to go. Who is selfish ? Me or him ? In this situation unfairness sounds like jealousy. It doesn't matter if he is a millionaire many times over. Asking him to pay was, well, rude. It also doesn't matter what he gave his ex. I think you are the one being selfish. If someone said to me "hey lets go on vacation and I'll even let you pay" then I would be very hesitant to go. In fact, I would not go and would break up with them. I am not trying to be rude here but I really think you need to rethink your behaviour. lighthouse
Touche Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 The point isn't how much money he makes. I don't care if he's a billionaire. I'm sorry but you show no class in how you handle things. Even down to listing what your b/f bought/spent on the ex. I don't think you're going to be involved for very long. Sorry to tell you that. I think he's trying to send you a message.
amaysngrace Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Honestly, it seems like you are asking him to put a pricetag on his devotion to you. You know he has put out some money on his ex, and don't say it doesn't bother you or else why would you bring it up? Try and figure out your motivation here, and be honest with yourself. Do you deserve a paid vacation? Do you treat him that great that you think you warrant one? Sorry but I'm just having a real hard time picking that up about you...
FloweryElena Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Well, do I treat him great ? For one thing, I accept the fact that he is and always will be in touch with his bipolar ex. I accept him for who he is and I do the things he ask me to do for him. I accept that he visits his ex often. And I don't give me **** about it. I trust him. I accept that he will give his money and support his ex for the rest of his life. I think I am open-minded to accept that. And I thought guys would appreciate an open-minded girlfriend who allows him to be who he is. And he did said that he appreciate me a lot because I accept that he gives money to his ex. Not many girls would do that. Or so I assume. I don't know. To him, accepting his ex in his life is a big thing. And I did that. Does that warrant as treating him great ? Am I not doing what he wants ?
lighthouse Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Sure that is nice and all but so what? You don't really have a choice there do you. His ex is going to be in his life and you can either accept it or not. So you have decided to accept it. Great. You were still wrong to ask him to pay for the vacation. lighthouse
amaysngrace Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I think your level of acceptance of this man is admirable, truly. Maybe your approach is wrong then. If you are abrasive and make him feel as though you're hanging it over his head, he'll never want to do this for you. Have you told him how much going on vacation means to you? Nicely? Or does it get heated when the subject comes up?
Kamille Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 FloweryElena, First I have to say I believe we come from completely different backgrounds. I feel like there are things that I don't understand about the social network you are in. As in, is it common in your network for men to wooh women with expensive trips and jewellery? Second, why is your boyfriend giving money to his ex? Does she not have a job? Do they have children together? Is it just part of their friendship? Is she used to a lifestyle she can no longer afford because of the break-up of their relationship? Is it possible he is too busy at work to go on a trip right now? Or even that he doesn't like travelling? I have to say that I would be upset if I were with a man who gives more to his ex then he does to me. But that would stem from the fact that these actions would make me insecure more then anything else. Is there a possibility that you want this trip so he proves his love to you? You say you're not jealous and I believe you. Yet you do make a direct correlation between : his love for you, this trip and the present he gives his ex. My final question: are you secure in this relationship? Is it all you want it to be emotionally?
Stunner Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Good Lord! I can't believe you did that. I would never consider something of the sort. I think a more appropriate question would be "do you care about HIM"? Knowing what he's been through and still 'you give him time' and now that YOU think it's the right time you are pushing him into it. It's just not considerate. There are two of you involved in this relationship, right? I don't think that you should be worrying about whether he loves you or not...I would worry that he's willing to let you treat him that way.
lighthouse Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 FloweryElena, Second, why is your boyfriend giving money to his ex? Does she not have a job? Do they have children together? Is it just part of their friendship? Is she used to a lifestyle she can no longer afford because of the break-up of their relationship? I have to say that I would be upset if I were with a man who gives more to his ex then he does to me. But that would stem from the fact that these actions would make me insecure more then anything else. Is there a possibility that you want this trip so he proves his love to you? You say you're not jealous and I believe you. Yet you do make a direct correlation between : his love for you, this trip and the present he gives his ex. My final question: are you secure in this relationship? Is it all you want it to be emotionally? Kamille - I think she said that the ex was bipolar but it doesn't really matter. For whatever reason it is important to him that his ex is a part of his life. It doesn't matter why. My ex and I are very close and I would never date someone who didn't understand that. Now, this may mean that I will have a very hard time finding someone but that is a chance that I am willing to take. lighthouse
Kamille Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Kamille - I think she said that the ex was bipolar but it doesn't really matter. For whatever reason it is important to him that his ex is a part of his life. It doesn't matter why. My ex and I are very close and I would never date someone who didn't understand that. Now, this may mean that I will have a very hard time finding someone but that is a chance that I am willing to take. lighthouse I have absolutely no problem with exes being close and keeping a close friendship. I just feel that there is something that the OP is not telling us about why he is giving his ex money and buying her a refrigerator and other appliances. I mean, I wouldn't just give my ex or any friend 2000$. If I could afford it I would lavish friends with luxurious gifts: jewellery, trips, etc. But giving money and buying appliances does not fall into that category. I guess I was wondering if the ex, unlike OP, is in a situation of financial need that would warrant him helping her out like he does, or if his presents to her are, well just out of generosity. What I meant is that I would have a problem if a man I was with spent thousands of dollars on luxury gifts (as opposed to necessities) for an ex, and spent nothing on me. I would call it jealousy though. Simply put, I would not understand his behaviour. I certainly would not go about asking for a trip as a way to solve the issue. I would probably try understanding why he felt the need to lavish ex with gifts and not me. I would also take into consideration all the other things he did for me. And if I were emotionally secure in the relationship, none of it would really matter.
norajane Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Unless she's an ex-wife and he is responsible for alimony or whatever, I don't see why he'd be giving her appliances and cash. Do they have a child together or something? Just because she's bipolar doesn't mean anything. She can go to a doctor, get medication and control her condition. She can certainly hold a job. Still doesn't mean I'd ask him to pay for a vacation after 4 months or whatever, but I'd be asking some serious questions about why he's supporting her. And after 9 months, I'd be asking even more serious quesetions about the nature of our relationship if he doesn't want to take a week off for a vacation with me - regardless of who pays.
Lisa32 Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Wow...and I'm just trying to get back together with my poor bartender boy, whom I absolutely adore, even though he couldn't afford anything right now. I don't want a vacation from him to show me he cares deeply for me. His actions are enough...and the little things he does. Why do you need a vacation after only a few months with this guy anyway? I don't even discuss vacations with boyfriend, until we've been together a while. You're rushing it with him if you ask me. He's just starting his business, and you're asking him to pay for an entire vacation...and devote more time to you? He's got other priorities right now. Why don't you save your own money and split it with him...then in another couple of months go on a vacation. All I can say is, you better be careful with the demands, only because it will eventually turn him off. He's procrastinating on the holiday, because you're pushing, and he probably either doesn't have the funding or is maybe turned off that you're expecting him to pay for everything. Your holiday request (though you think is noble after all his hard work), may be coming across as selfish to him, when you know he just started a business. His business will be #1 for quite a long time, until it's totally established and running itself. If I was just starting a business and someone said "Let's go on vacation...you pay for everything." I'd be so upset with that person.
Ripples Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 So, from what you've written, OP, it seems that you're expecting some sort of payment in return for you accepting that his ex will be in his life? That's pretty childish and not a great way to start off a committed relationship.
FloweryElena Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Although he was hesistate to go for the vacation fair with me, he went anyways and he set a budget for it. And I didn't expect something in return for accepting his ex in his life. That was he said. Although he wasn't excited about a vacation, he paid for it and he told me since I didn't complain and I accepted his ex in his life, paying for the holiday was a appreciative gesture to me. But then, since the vacation ticket has been bought, we can go anytime. I wanted to go several times already, and each time he said he was busy with something. And this time he said ok since he was has been helping his ex move house recently and buying her some household stuff. He didnt want me to start accusing him of something. As for his ex, it was HIM that wanted to support her. He had told her to quit her job when they were together because of her bipolar. So after they broke up, he still wanted to keep on supporting her. I see it as he being a very good guy who cares for another human being. She did wanted to work but he said no to her and asked her to do whatever she wanted and he will support he. His business went down after a few months and it has since closed. So now, he doesnt need to pay for his business. I didnt think it was wrong to ask for a vacation. I thought it was a much deserved break since he has been struggling for a few months. And I didnt actually ask him to pay for it. Although I did hope that he would pay for it.
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