swedish girl with a broken heart

[Guest]

Hi,

I have been reading here a lot the last days.

Here is my story (I think it´s going to be long)

 

In oct 03 me and a friend went to the canary Islands for a week vacation. We went out to celebrate my birthday and THERE he was, we looked att each other and it was passion. Went back to the hotel together and the day after he terminated his relationship with his girlsfriend for the last 8 years.

 

I went back home and we talked a lot, I wanted to take things slow but he was so much in love with me that he didn´t want to live without me.

He was at the time studying to be a policeman bur suddenly he dropped out of that and went to be with me i Sweden.

It wasn´t easy for him to study swedish but he managed and finally got a job that payed rather well.

 

Then somethings happen after about two years. He became more distant, didn´t want to go to work, snapped at me and every time we had an disagrement he packed his bag and threathened me that he would leave.

I knew that he missed his family bur every chance that he/we had we went to see them.

 

He throwed phrases like "I left everything for you" "if it wasn´t for you I would never live in this f****** country"

We could book a trip together but after a week I had to unbook because he always changed his mind about things.

 

One day he took the newspaper and started to look for a bigger apartment for us in my hometown and he was enthusistic about it and the next day he screamed at me "Did you really think I would by an apartment in sweden, are you crazy?"

He cried a lot and said that I was the love of his life and he didnt want to let me go. Also very jelous of my past and of my ex:s.

 

Well, it started with he lost weight, always negative, pale pale pale in the face and some days he didnt even dress and was sleeping a lot.

One day he booked a ticket to go and visite his family and meanwhile he quit his job, finished acounts in the bank, packing but NEVER told me that he wasnt coming back instead he said that of course he was coming back.

I tried to do a lot for him and only wanted that he felt good.

 

Day before he left he sat down and cried and said that he wasnt going to come back, and it felt like he ripped my heart out.

 

He cried much and said that he loved me so much but that he couldn´t stay and that he wanted to fulfill his dream of beeing a policeman. Now he is 29 1/2 and in Spain the limit is 30 years for being that.

 

He left.

He was calling me every day and cried one minute and the next he was screaming at me and I dont know why. When I was sad he screamed more because he said that I was making him feeling guilty.

He went to see a psyciatrist but it didnt help much because he thought that it was enough to go one time and afterwards BOOM! he was going to be fine.. well well..

 

About two weeks after he had gone he screamed to me that he had never loved me, he had never wanted to have kids and marry me and he had said all that only to make me happy. He wanted out of the relation and said that it was best for me to accept that and take as a grown woman and not like a little girl.

 

I took it, i cried 24h a day ..

He sent me textmesseges "this is for the best because I only give you pain" "I only want to be your friend" "I know that you are angry with me but I dont feel well either".

 

I never answered them. Then he came in in msn one day and said that he missed me so much and asked me if I had the possibility to go and viste him for a week and see if we could plan anything for the future. I said yes and went to see him.

 

This was in may 06.

We met there and of course we decided to fight for this together. He wa sooo in love with me and couldnt stand the thought of loosing me.

We spoke every day and everything worked well.

He is staying with his mom and he is studying and working out fulltime to be ready when the tests come up for the police.

 

He came to visit in end of june and I was there for two weeks och came back two months ago.

That two weeks was the best in all of our relationship.

 

He thought that the testdates would come up like promised in middle og september and after he had done them I would come and live with him in spain. We hade it all planned.

 

But the dates never came up, and still hasn´t and now he is out of money and has only been waiting for nothing in two months time. Meanwhile I have been sitting here waiting too for a date to quit my apartment and to speak with my boss for som time off at work.

 

Last three weeks we have started to argue over phone, which is not good, there has been a lot of frustration. He has said so many times that he misses me so much that I could never imagine.

 

The 24th oct was my birthday and our 3-year aniversary and he sent a sms saying that he loved my so much and that he had always loved me. he also called 3 times that day and was so sorry that he couldnt be with me.

 

This was on tuesday.

On friday we had a silly argument about something I cant even remenber and it ended with he screamed at me again.igot holden of him on the sunday but then he was so tired but we ended the fight.

 

Monday he called and was superstrange and said that he is worthless, angry with himself, he has NOTHING and his friends has everything. Said that he was loosing weight, couldnt study and focusate, couldnt understand what he was reading and the only thing in this world that mattered to him is to be a policeman and that he is obcessed with that thought.

 

This is things his never mentioned before when we talked.

That day he didnt go to school and went to a friends house, he called me the day after and screamed at me again and said that I always makes him feel guilty and that he is not good for me because he always gives me a lot of pain.

 

I waited for a couple of days and then he called me again and said that he wanted TIME because all of a sudden he dont know if he loves me and he dont miss me anymore.

He didnt know how much time he wanted.

 

I asked him if it wasnt for the best to end the realationship, but he didnt want to do that. He only want to be left alone which is absurd because we already live i two separate countries. He said that it was so stressful for him to call me every day and that he has nothing to offer me.

 

Everything we talked about and planned together is thorned apart once again and he has changed so quickly, i dont even recognize his voice anymore.

he is exactly like he was in may and says the same things.

It is clear to me that he is depressed.

 

What can I do??

Should I wait for him?

Now it has been a week without hearing from him and I have left him alone.

He is the love of my life and I really thought that he mas my soulmate. he says that he loves me but are not IN love with we, he changed in 3 days!!

 

Anyone please help...

[swedish girl]

i thought this was the place to seek some response with the problems of breaking up.

Or am i just not welcome here because im from another country?

[magichands]

Or am i just not welcome here because im from another country?

Of course not. I'm guessing that you're blonde...that's probably why. Just kidding around.

 

First of all - I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It must be so hard.

 

He sounds like he could be depressed. And it doesn't sound as if you've really talked about what sacrifices you would both be prepared to make for this relationship.

 

There seem to be some communication problems. Likely he hasn't been completely honest with you about the way he has been feeling.

 

He did say that his move to Sweden was a sacrifice "for you" - and not for your relationship (your life together). So he harbours some resentment towards you for that...and I think that is completely unfair.

 

Would you be prepared to move to Spain? Things are already rocky - that would be a huge gamble for love.

 

Do you believe that you are still in love? Why did he leave you?!

[ReluctantRomeo]

You're welcome. And there are plenty of Europeans here

 

It's just a rather long story to read... maybe give us the three facts you think are most important?

[swedish girl]

from being so loved by him (that it was almost too much) he is now saying that he does not know if he loves me and that he don´t miss me and he wants to do that.

NC for 12 days...

 

He is so critical and put himself down . Saying that he is wortless, no good and never do anything right.

He often change his minds about things, and i mean BIG things.

 

And it´s right he is blaming me for leaving everything for me, though I never asked him to do that, but he was so in love and said that he couldn´t live without me.

 

I know he is under a great stress now and the only thing that is important to him is to be a policeman. there is a huge competion about the places in the squad and i dont think he is gonna make it.

 

I love him so much but he has hurt me much and i dont know if i can take it anymore.

Anyone who knows little about depressions and what it can do to people?

[magichands]

He often change his minds about things, and i mean BIG things.

That is so frustrating to try to deal with. And I can't imagine how hurt you must feel.

And it´s right he is blaming me for leaving everything for me, though I never asked him to do that, but he was so in love and said that he couldn´t live without me.

It's totally unfair of him to try to put the blame on you. Deep down I think he feels inadequate for not dealing with things very well (the "swedish" policeman dream), but rather than facing up to the reality, he chooses to blame you (hurting the ones you love is not a coping strategy!!).

I love him so much but he has hurt me much and i dont know if i can take it anymore.

I'm not really huggable...but I do feel for you. I don't think I could take it either. He's confused, but the signal you want from him is that he loves you - nothing less will stem the bleeding.

Anyone who knows little about depressions and what it can do to people?

I think you can see what it does. But we're all responsible for our actions.

[Road Rage]

swedish girl

 

The way you describe him it seems he has some form of mental illness. People do not come with warning labels, you have to figure it out for yourself.

[swedish girl]

you are wise people and in this land of confusion where I´m at now I need to get some perspective.

 

A couple of days before he broke it off with me he asked me if i was his and only his to be. Of course I said yes.

 

In the past he used to throw words at me about my past and about my ex:s. he screamed that they were better than him and that he was sure that the sex were better with them as well.

he could give the phone and telling me to call them and say that to them. i refussed of course.

When he was living in sweden with me he tried a lot of times to scare me with packing his bags and pretending looking for a ticket to spain.

he called his work (or so I thought) telling them that he quit.

 

One weekend we spent in Stockhom together and were in the hotel all happy, then in a second he was furious. I thought he was kidding with me, but he packed his little bag and went off out in the streets knewning of course that i would follow him. I still haven´t got a clue why he was angry.

 

I often encouraged him saying that I was so proud of him and all the things he could do. He often cried and when we were sleeping he held me so taight that I could not breath.

He recently called me and was angry because he had a nightmare and in that dream he saw me with another man (he dreamt the same dream often)

 

we last met two months ago and he was so close to me all the time and when the two weeks began to run out he refused to talk about it because he always started to cry.

 

he is the love of my life, and in some ways I belive that he loves me much even though he says he is not sure anymore.

He wants to feel like a man and security for him is that HE can provide for me and giving me things, to have status in society and I dont want that security. I want the security of emotions. To be able to talk about stuff, to trust eachother and to know that only because we dont feel och think the same abouth things ..it is ok and we dont have to separate for that.

If a couple has that it is possible to live in a igloo in greenland and coping with that, or maybe my thinking is naive??

 

Basically, I have done everything for him that is possible. Everything was planned for my moving there. Time off from work, apartment and saying goodbye to my friends.

[magichands]

I want the security of emotions.

I think I understand. You just want to know that he loves you. That he's sure that he loves you. That he will always love you. It's not really that much to ask, is it??!!

 

Or he could have shown you that by not running away.

If a couple has that it is possible to live in a igloo in greenland and coping with that, or maybe my thinking is naive??

I think like that. If that's naive, then I can live with that. Haha.

Basically, I have done everything for him that is possible. Everything was planned for my moving there. Time off from work, apartment and saying goodbye to my friends.

Would you really move to Spain to be with him?? As much as you love him, he seems to have serious insecurities that threaten to get in the way of a loving relationship. What's the plan to address his problems?! (By all means help him - but he has got to want to help himself. For himself, and for your relationship.)

[swedish girl]

"Would you really move to Spain to be with him?? As much as you love him, he seems to have serious insecurities that threaten to get in the way of a loving relationship. What's the plan to address his problems?!"

 

Yes I was willing to move for some reasons.

1 is that he did that for me once I and felt that I owed it to him toshow him that I wanted to be with him and

2 because he really made me feel like all of his problems were based in the fact that he did not not like my country and that he could feel more secure and more lika a man in his own country.

And i wanted him to feel that.

[magichands]

Wow. That's love for you. I just hope he's worth it.

 

He has been throwing tantrums to get his own way, though. You're not supposed to be dealing with a child, here.

 

Has he ever got physically abusive? Towards you, or otherwise?

 

The sex and exes thing has me worried. What about intimacy?! All these issues may be entangled, but you have your work cut out for you!!

[swedish girl]

right now It is over and I do not have to think about to move anymore. he has cut me out og his life and wants TIME to miss me which is BS in my point of wiew.

 

The last conversation we had I managed to stay calm without crying and just asked him if is not for the best if we end things totally ringht now. But he said no and said that he wants time.

I asked him how much time and he answered that he dont know and that he had spoken to his MOTHER of all persons and i dont know if this was her idea or no.

 

I asked him (without panicing) if he thought that is was possible to save the relationship and he said that he was hoping for that.

 

Then he continued with all the things about him being worthless and has nothing to offer me.

Then he strated to cry hysterically and so did I and we said goodbye.

 

I accept the fact that he does not care about me anymore, he hasn´t even texted me and asking how I am.

[magichands]

I accept the fact that he does not care about me anymore,

Of course he cares, but this isn't about caring. This is about love.

 

I think all we want is for someone to love us back as much as we love them. And, like you said, he is full of BS.

 

It's very, very, very sad...but you can love again, swedish girl - when the time is right.

 

Just try to be good to yourself for a while. And seek out some hugs.

[swedish girl]

Maybe I will love again, but i can tell you one thing and that is that I am NEVER again going to put my gard down one more time.

 

he made me believe that I was the one and that he never would leave me and he changed his minds in two days..

i am not putting me out for the same thing one more time.

 

Thank you for listening to me and for your kind words

[Timberlane]

Hello Swedish girl,

 

I think everyone would agree that one's nationality does not matter in these affairs. I personally find Sweden quite lovely.

 

In any case, this man you met in the islands threw out his eight year relationship on a whim after seeing you one night. Sound impulsive to you? And no one develops loving feelings for someone else in a few days and then remotely. That doesn't count for "getting to know each other." That sort of love is all projection and nonsense. A person like that doesn't even know what love is in my opinion.

 

You sound like a very nice girl capable of great kindness and affection. I would save that for a nice man whom you can get to know slowly and without pressure. Meet someone that lives close to you. That's the best way to fall in love.

 

Good luck.

[stockmos]

One's nationality does not matter, but the country where one lives does. A lot of people who move to Sweden from other countries find life there very difficult because of the huge, and often unexpected culture shock.

 

Swedish girl, you hint in your posts that he was unhappy living there. Did you ever discuss this in depth? Did he establish a good life there?

 

It sounds as if he has a lot of issues to deal with and though difficulty living in Sweden did not cause these, it could bring them to the surface.

[swedish girl]

Regarding the matter that he didn´t like Sweden I can understand all of that and the reasons why. It was a huge cultural change for him and I tried my best to make him comfortable.

 

In a way I worked so hard for him that I forgot about myself and it was so difficult to discuss with him because he always got so angry and verbally abused me.

 

We never really discussed before he was moving to Sweden mostly beacause I at the time didnt know any spanish and he didnt know any english..you see..this was my love in life and I couldnt communicate with him by speaking.

He just left everything at home for being crazy in love and in a way he didnt even ask me if i wanted him to come or not.

 

I know that all this have the sound so crazy for you all but we fell so instantly in love at the first sight and in a childish way we didnt think that a common language was needed.

 

I rapidly learned spanish and he learned some swedish and english.

I felt that the responsability for his happiness was in my hands and I did everything possible to make him happy and I didnt want him to feel like a outcast in my country, but he did.. and he let me know that his life was falling apart because he moved to me.

He never once said that he didnt love me, in oppsite he said that he loved me so much that even if I tried I couldnt guess how much.

I was his whole world and even though it was flattering it made me scared.

 

He finally broke down and fell in to a depression and that was really scary to see I can tell, he went back home to live with his mother and we broke up for a week and then he called me again and cried and said that he couldnt live without me.

 

We discussed a lot about what the word SECURITY was and for him it was that he had a job, a uniforme, a car, a house and that he could give me stuff and me make feel secure. And that is not my way of security.

 

We talked a lot about what had happen and decided that this time we would do it right and in a slow way. He would try to reach his goal to be a policeman and after that he could give me stability in the relationship.

Everything was going fine between us and we spoke every day and met at some occasions.

He still claimed that I was the woman of his dreams, and did up to two-three days before he collapsed again.

 

The difference this time is that he says that he isnt sure that he loves me anymore and doesnt all of a sudden miss me.

I am really sure that he has no other girl and he rarely leaves the house. but he is cracking up because he is not doing well in school and for the fact that time is running out if he wants to make it as a policeman.

 

I know that this is getting very long again )

 

I will try to explain how it works in Spain.

They have academies where people go to classes at night to prepare for the examinations. It is all private and people pay to study.

The every district in spain decides to search for new policemen and announce this and everyone that wants can apply for this.

Then they wait a long time for the district to arrange the examens (and sometimes wait for months bcause the district havent got the money to arrange the tests)

In Las palmas there was 50 places and 1200 persons that wanted them...so you see its a big competion. And if a district wants for example 5 new policemen it is common that 2 or three of them goes to a son or a daughter of the chief or mayor or somehing like that. Corruption.

 

Well... I have cancelled my waiting and now it is 13 days of NC from both sides and I am beginning to realize that my loved one is never coming back to me.

It hurts like nothing else I have experienced but there is no way that i am contacting him when he doesnt know if he loves me anymore.

 

I want him so bad and I pray that everything is ok with him. Maybe he his jumping for joy now, but I doubt that and in the long run that is mot important either.

[stockmos]

Hi swedish girl,

 

It does, first, sound as if he has some problems of his own that need to be addressed. Everything that went wrong with him cannot be blamed on moving to Sweden. Flying off the handle and being abusive certainly can't.

 

But you do say in your post that he felt his life was falling apart through moving. Did he have a regular job in Sweden?

 

I know from my own experience that moving to Sweden for a relationship can be very difficult. Like you say, at the time of moving one is head over heels. And you do what seems like naturallly the right thing by doing everything to help your partner settle in.

 

Maybe the problem is that in the longer term the man then feels emasculated (försvaga, även stympa?) because much or all the responsibilty he had in his home country (responsibility for himself as well as for you) is not there. This can be even simple things like just looking after the bills and so on.

 

I am only basing this on my own experiences but I am told it is quite common.

[swedish girl]

That is my theory too.

he had a job in copenhagen that was good and payed well bur when he put his mind up to it NOTHING was ever good enough and that included himself.

 

he didnt feel like a man and he still doesnt.

He cried the las conversation we had and repeated that he was worth nothing and that he didnt have nothing at all and that his friends have everything.

 

it is like a big chase after status and acceptance and by persuing the policetitel he think it is going to solve all of his problems.

 

For this special exam for which he has studied since may and he is sooooo sure that he is going to make it. 98 applicants at 12 free positions.

I have tried gently to ask him what he will do if he fails..but he refuse to talk about it.

The exams is delayed more than 2 months now and this is why he is so very upset.

hes got no more money and he knows that if he fails this exam he has to get a job and will not be able to study full time anymore.

 

I told him that it feels like our relationship is depending on wether he is a policeman or not and he always before said no to that question, but this time he admitted to it.

 

So what do I do?

he is obcessing and out of control with stress and feelings of being unworthy.

[stockmos]

There is only so much you can do for him - in the end it is up to him.

 

By the sound of it I think it might be a good idea for him to see a therapist.

[tdmce]

I think it is sad to say "Never again going to put my gard down". I think this guy has personal problems which really affected any chance of a healthy relationship between you.

 

There are so many great guys out there and if you hold yourself back because you are afraid of getting hurt again then you will never find happiness with another.

 

I would focus on yourself for awhile too, don't contact this guy anymore, delete his phone number, pictures etc. Hang out with your friends / family, plan a holiday somewhere.

 

You sound like cool girl, you will meet some one when the time is right.

[swedish girl]

so it happened... after two weeks NC he called me last night and it was horrible!

 

He cried all through the conversation and he is now getting more ill that I first thought.

He said that he was going to drop out of his studies, he doesnt have any money left.

He cant concentrate and doesnt feel anything for anybody or anything.

He said that I am the only person in the world that he feels comfortable talking to and that its a mess in his head.

 

I stayed very calm throughout the conversation, although I was litterally shaking both in- and outside.

 

We talked a little about it and I said that it is very clear to me that you suffer from depression, and that its a desease that without threatment could get worse. I asked if he could go and see a therapeut and he said that he wants to do that but doesnt have the money to do that.

i said that you do the same things over and over again, that you are so afraid to fail that you dont even try.

He agreed.

He said that he misses me and only hearing my voice again made him cry.

 

He asked me if I was furious with him and I responded "for what?" You cant help if you doesnt love me anymore, I cant blame you for that. Then he said that it wasnt like that either, that he doesnt love me.

A bit confusing.

 

He said that I am the best person he had ever meet, and he couldnt understan why, after everything he has put me through, I was sitting here and talking to him about his problems. Then he cried even more.

 

I answered "that is what love means to me"

 

I said that I cant be your best friend because I feel more for you than that and I really want you to feel better again because you are inside my heart and will always be.

 

Then he said that he loves me, I said nothing and bye.

 

I was so shaky afterwards, but in the same time reliefed to know that I had no blame in this.

Feels rather strange to say that in a way it helps me to know that he is miserable, but in the same way my heart is still broken beacuse I love him to death.

 

i dont know if I ever hear from him again, the only thing I know is that i am not going to call.

 

Do you think that I am doing the right thing?

[stockmos]

I agree with tdmce, it sounds as if he is laden with a lot of deep problems that he needs to work on.

 

You can only do so much, and it sounds as if ou have done your very best, with great strength and dignity.

 

Now it may be a good time to move on and focus on yourself.

[Guest]

Hi Swedish girl,

 

I agree, he's definitely depressed. I had a boyfriend who was not that passionate or had this much moodswings, but he sometimes became very distant and cold, even if he always told me he loved me very much. And when i think about it afterwards it got worse (we were together for a little over 2 years) Then a year ago he dumped me out of the blue and I was crushed to say the least - he told me there was no way he would ever change his mind and I tried to move on (was the crazy ex-girlfriend for a month I have to admit). We always stayed in touch, some sort of on-off relationship, and I didn't date anyone but he has been with other women. Now he's been diagnosed as very depressed and has been taking medicine for 2 months. Now he wants to start over and have children and get married and everything. I guess I waited, not conciously though. But I don't know if I want this now. What if he continues his unpredictable ways? My gut feeling is to tell you to move on. Get your own life together and try not to get sucked into some hellish games with a sick man...

 

But if you do love him, as I did my boyfriend, it's easier said than done...

 

Best of luck.

[MagnoliaJane]

Swedish girl,

 

It seems to me this man has so many problems and (unconsciously) wants you to help him because he cannot help himself. However, you can't help him. What's worse, is that he is abusive. And yes, verbal abuse is also abuse, and it is a slow venom that kills your selfworth. I know from my personal experience that a multicultural relationship can be very tough. After 3 years I was literally tired of his drama, abusive language, long tyrades and crying like a child. You're his lover, and hence you can't be his therapist. He is right about something though, he has nothing to offer you, because he is unstable and cannot or won't help himself. If you go along with his drama you will only be dragged in more, and unfortunately there's no happy ending. You could think I am telling you this because I am projecting. This may be partly true, but your letters tell it all. It is all in there, and it is always about HIM. Where are YOU in all of this? Please protect yourself and let us know how you are doing. Discover yourself again and who YOU are.