yearninginside Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Okay, I'm lost. I know that I'm the most horrible person in the world, but I don't know how to change the feelings inside. I'v been married to a woman for almost 11 years. I started going out with her, because she didn't leave me alone. Anything in our relationship has been based on submitting to her wants, including marriage, kids, etc... I thought I loved her as I should, but I think it might just be a companion type love. So, now there's this woman that I can't stop thinking about, no matter what I do. I avoid her, and I just hurt. I've prayed about it. I've prayed for God to set me in the path that he wants me in. I have never felt like this about anyone, including my wife. I hate myself for feeling this way. I want it to go away, so I can move on. I've been romantic with her in any way, except for the fact that she might see my longing in my eyes. She's very beautiful, but it's never been a lust thing. I respect her way to much. It's so deep, that the only way I fantasize about her, is her laying her head on my shoulder forever. I'm so confused and I hate myself for feeling this way. Please don't be jerks to me, because this is not how I want to feel. I just want to love my wife. I wish I had yearned for my wife this way. But I never have. What do you think, people?
amaysngrace Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 You really haven't said much about the relationship you have with your wife, other than it's more of a platonic partnership rather than the deep connection you'd hoped for. Is it really so bad at home that it isn't fixable? How long has it been since you and your wife took a vacation, just the two of you, to escape the routines you deal with in your daily lives? I would start at home, if I were you, and try to see if there wasn't some way to make your marriage more satisfying to yourself. Perhaps counseling would help. It sounds as if you are blaming your wife for the choices YOU'VE made. You took vows too, remember? Nobody held a gun to your head. Now, years later, you're acting as if someone had. Be responsible for yourself and realize the mindset you are in is solely your doing. You choose to entertain these thoughts. You choose to think back negatively on your marriage. You choose to find reasons to excuse your behaviour for going outside your marriage to find your own happiness, rather than looking inward. No offense, but it's really rather selfish...the way that you're thinking.
Author yearninginside Posted November 13, 2006 Author Posted November 13, 2006 Whoa! Hold on there, fireball. I haven't made any 'choices'. I haven't acted on anything. We went on vacation last month, just us. I wasn't blaming my wife for anything. I was just giving you a history of our relationship and noting that I may have made many choices for the wrong reason. I'm not looking for excuses. I'm just confused about some unwanted feelings. I don't know how get rid of them or what to think of them. I'm sorry, but I did take offense to that. That was very presumptuous to assume that I wanted to have an affair. I was merely comparing the base of the two situations. And I'm affraid that I came all the way here on what I thought a relationship is, just to feel something like this all of a sudden.
amaysngrace Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Look, the grass is always greener on the other side, or so they say. I didn't mean to come off as harsh but it really did sound as if you blame your wife for "forcing" you to marry her. You are the one who thinks these thoughts, darlin'. It's you and it's only you. These thoughts lead to feelings. If you want to be rid of these feelings, change your thoughts. It's as simple as that!
Author yearninginside Posted November 13, 2006 Author Posted November 13, 2006 You're right, it did sound that way. What I meant to emphasize, is the confusion that many of my choices where made thinking that my feelings at the time were supposed to be that way. I'm never going to cheat. I'm not like that. That's why I hate this so bad! So, I ask, how do I get rid of these 'thoughts'? What do you think of if I tell you not to think of a white polar bear?
amaysngrace Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 You can start by seeing the positive in your life where your marriage is concerned. You can give your married life the respect it deserves, for what it's GIVEN to you, not what it has taken. You should be thankful for what you have, thank God for it in fact, when you pray. Start there and see if you aren't truly happier than you once thought.
Spinderella Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Its true, sometimes listing all the things you are grateful for, everyday, can really make a difference to how you see things and to your thoughts. Some good advice from amaysngrace
Joelle Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 OP, I think you received some good advice, too. Ironically, I think I may be on the receiving end of what you're going through. There's someone in my life that I think may have an inappropriate crush on me. He's married, and so am I. Thankfully, he's a very decent man, and I don't think he will cross the line. But the vibe I get from him does make me feel awkward.
NoIDidn't Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 I did not read the other responses, so forgive me if I say the same things that they have. You sound like a deeply religious person. You don't say which one, so I won't give any quotes specific to mine. Love is an action NOT a feeling. If you want to love your W in the way that you are infatuated about this fantasy woman, you will need to do for you W what you want to do with her. If you are not happy with the way things have been going in your M, tell your W in a respectful manner that you have some needs and wants that the R currently is not meeting. Communication is a two way street, so you will need to BOTH hear each other. You sound like a decent person with strong values. It is not uncommon for us humans to have feelings for another person. The trick is to honor our previous commitments or terminate them before moving into something else. Keep praying. When you think of the other woman, change the thought to something else. As long as you don't act on the thoughts and feelings, "this too shall pass".
Guest Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Why does this other woman make you feel this way what does she have or do? People do not only get married for companionship, they get married for love. Is their anything that the other woman has to offer that your wife doesn't. It is natural to fantasize about another person when you are married to someone else. But it is not healthy or right if you carried out those fantasizes realistically. Maybe you can talk to your wife and let her know how you are feeling, but then again you do not want to hurt her feelings or make her feel as if she is unable to please you as you are her husband. When do you see this other woman? You need to stop seeing her or stop going to the same places she goes to. If you do not then you will not get over this. Do something romantic for you wife, buy her lingerie, take a small get away trip for just you and her. Sometimes when people have been marrid for so long the sparks go away, but they can spark up again with the right setting and the right words. So what are you going to do? Go get romantic on your wife. Rent a hotel room, buy her lingerie, take her out for dinner or dancing, then what ever happens after that is your secret. Okay, I'm lost. I know that I'm the most horrible person in the world, but I don't know how to change the feelings inside. I'v been married to a woman for almost 11 years. I started going out with her, because she didn't leave me alone. Anything in our relationship has been based on submitting to her wants, including marriage, kids, etc... I thought I loved her as I should, but I think it might just be a companion type love. So, now there's this woman that I can't stop thinking about, no matter what I do. I avoid her, and I just hurt. I've prayed about it. I've prayed for God to set me in the path that he wants me in. I have never felt like this about anyone, including my wife. I hate myself for feeling this way. I want it to go away, so I can move on. I've been romantic with her in any way, except for the fact that she might see my longing in my eyes. She's very beautiful, but it's never been a lust thing. I respect her way to much. It's so deep, that the only way I fantasize about her, is her laying her head on my shoulder forever. I'm so confused and I hate myself for feeling this way. Please don't be jerks to me, because this is not how I want to feel. I just want to love my wife. I wish I had yearned for my wife this way. But I never have. What do you think, people?
frannie Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Okay, I'm lost. I know that I'm the most horrible person in the world, but I don't know how to change the feelings inside. I'v been married to a woman for almost 11 years. I started going out with her, because she didn't leave me alone. Anything in our relationship has been based on submitting to her wants, including marriage, kids, etc... I thought I loved her as I should, but I think it might just be a companion type love. So, now there's this woman that I can't stop thinking about, no matter what I do. I avoid her, and I just hurt. I've prayed about it. I've prayed for God to set me in the path that he wants me in. I have never felt like this about anyone, including my wife. I hate myself for feeling this way. I want it to go away, so I can move on. I've been romantic with her in any way, except for the fact that she might see my longing in my eyes. She's very beautiful, but it's never been a lust thing. I respect her way to much. It's so deep, that the only way I fantasize about her, is her laying her head on my shoulder forever. I'm so confused and I hate myself for feeling this way. Please don't be jerks to me, because this is not how I want to feel. I just want to love my wife. I wish I had yearned for my wife this way. But I never have. What do you think, people? You are not 'the most horrible person in the world' for having completely natural feelings. All that is happening is that these feelings are being aroused by someone other than your wife. They're things you need... and it's NOT 'bad' to need things: not bad to have 'selfish' wants. We all have them! If you really believe that everything in your marriage has been about meeting your wife's needs, then it's no surprise that you've ended up here with these unwanted feelings towards someone else. You need to take a look at the relationship with your wife and see how you can get your perfectly reasonable needs met by her. SHE has responsibilities in this marriage too... and one of those is that she helps you get your needs met. And if she loves and cares for you, she'll be only too happy to do that. So... how are you going to go about this..?
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