I can't pretend anymore

[andy_whitewater]

I need to confess that I don't know what to do anymore. I keep telling myself I'm over my ex and the terrible way she broke up with me but I think about her all the time and miss her even more than ever. I even know its been 142 days since the day of breaking up - I'm such a mess still. I tell everyone I'm ok because I'm sure they'll think less of me for not getting over it by now. I saw her last friday for the first time in months and I'm now more of a wreck than ever. I don't know why I keep lying to myself pretending that I'm fine and coping when I feel like I'm dead inside. How the hell do people get over ex's? I mean everyone keeps saying to me focus on yourself, go out and meet new people (and i've even turned a few people down since she left me). I've done everything I can, spoken with everyone I know, written songs, gone out new places, stayed in with friends, talked and talked til my mouth is dry and I've run out of the words to say. I've even seen counsellors to try to get them to help me. I'm still lingering on the hope that she may change her mind (she came into work last friday telling me how good i looked and how nice it was to see me etc etc), even though she's with someone new, because apparently shes not sure about that relationship. i am totally lost and alone

[observer2]

Firstly, I can empathize with you. And I can see what kind of state are you in? Have gone through the same. I didn't see her or talk to her for one full year. Then we talked again... Didn't talk for another year or so... We talked again... Though, after that, the time has got reduced to a few months! Now we talk again, almost everyday! It's strange.

 

I don't know what was the reason for your breaking up. All I would say, just hang in there and don't try overtly to do things which do not please you. I know what you mean by 'dead inside'. But just hang in there. And keep loving... For love begets love; if this also doesn't happen, there's very little one can do about life...

[ShoeGirl]

Andy-

 

My advice is to take up a new hobby or change something in your life so that it is not the same as it was when you were together so you can focus on that and not have things that constantly remind you of her.

 

If you give more details on the breakup we could probably give better advice for your situation.

 

Keep smiling and go day by day it will get better!

[andy_whitewater]

Thanks for the posting guys - reading it really helps. I've got some information about how the breakup happened too.

 

we were together for 4 and a half years - quite a lot of which was long distance at uni. (but i saw her at least once a month for a long weekend/several days and loads at holidays). I put in a lot, if not all of the effort in seeing her long distance as I had more money - and never minded missing lectures to see her whereas she got very panicky if she missed uni work.

 

we had planned a load of stuff over the phone to do over the summer together and everything seemed great - we had a little holiday planned and i was very excited because i was going to see her the next day after i had phoned her and planned the trip away. she then came back from uni and literally the first time i had seen her in about 6 weeks (due to exams) she was very distant. She then just said "i met someone else." turns out she got drunk at a party and met a guy who sung some karaoke with her. shes never had much attention from guys (don't know if thats a factor).

 

Basically we then went out for a drink, and she spent the whole time telling me she didn't want to go out with me anymore. possibly the worst evening ever, but hey....

 

i guess the worst thing about it are:

1. She said to me I'm better looking, and she really cares about me and loves spending time with me and misses me loads (she even said that when she came into work last friday to see me), but she then said she doesn't love me (if its not true or shes saying it because shes guilty then she needs to stop saying it).

 

2. She actually said to me "I really hope I'm good at sex - I want it to be great the first time we me and him sleep together" - that hurt so badly and still is in my head.

 

3. She said she really cares about me and wants to be friends and yet never once got in contact, despite the fact that she dumped me right as I was going through some serious medical treatment

 

Theres more stuff, but it just feels worse to bring it all up. How can this be the same gentle caring girl I feel in love with? She left me for a guy she met on a drunken night out who she spoke to for about half an hour.

 

I'm mostly scared that I've lost the power to love - its as if this has hurt so much and left me so heartbroken I've lost all compassion. How do you go on from here? I so badly want to learn how to move on with this and love life, people and myself again.

[Spinderella]

It is hard to feel love, when you feel unloved. This is one of the reasons why it is important to love yourself. Perhaps getting into some healing work or meditation or something else spiritual might help you. Perhaps volunteering to help others too. I suppose that because she dumped you in a particularly harsh manner, it made you feel that that was all you deserved, but nobody defines you, but you. The most wonderful people get treated badly, and it's just the way of the world, and it's just because people are generally messed up and confused. Don't take these things personally. Find your inner strength, and then other people wont affect you so much, but you will feel love and compassion for them anyway.

[D-Lish]

Well, 142 days of grieving after 4 1/2 years isn't unreasonable at all.

You probably feel the need to "get over it" because people are telling you it's time.

 

The bottom line is that we all have our own grieving schedules. Now, if you came here and said it's been six years.... I'd be suggesting therapy.

Hey, people do hold onto lost loves for their entire lives~ don't become this person!

 

You can take time to get over this~ no need to rush into forgetting everything. However, you can still move on at the same time.

It's important to move on regardless. I know that running into an ex can inspire a setback- that you will analyse every movement, word, etc.

But it's not healthy to do that, especially when they are with someone else.

 

If your ex is with someone else, it means she has made a choice. As hard as that is to hear, it means that for the time being she has moved on.

 

But don't beat yourself up for still loving someone who broke your heart- as I said, it's still fresh and you dated a long time.

 

DO accept dates, DO practice flirting.... It may seem forced and awkward at first, but it's all part of the process. Often, we start out by pretending we feel better- and eventually it comes to fruition.

 

And keep talking about it- that is the best way to sort it all out.

D

[ihateslowjams]

i guess the worst thing about it are:

1. She said to me I'm better looking, and she really cares about me and loves spending time with me and misses me loads (she even said that when she came into work last friday to see me), but she then said she doesn't love me (if its not true or shes saying it because shes guilty then she needs to stop saying it).

 

2. She actually said to me "I really hope I'm good at sex - I want it to be great the first time we me and him sleep together" - that hurt so badly and still is in my head.

 

3. She said she really cares about me and wants to be friends and yet never once got in contact, despite the fact that she dumped me right as I was going through some serious medical treatment

 

Theres more stuff, but it just feels worse to bring it all up. How can this be the same gentle caring girl I feel in love with? She left me for a guy she met on a drunken night out who she spoke to for about half an hour.

 

I'm mostly scared that I've lost the power to love - its as if this has hurt so much and left me so heartbroken I've lost all compassion. How do you go on from here? I so badly want to learn how to move on with this and love life, people and myself again.

 

i went through something similar, except my relationship was only 1 year. she met a guy, for 5 mins in person only, and after talking to him on the phone for 1 day, she broke up with me and told me hes everything she wants in a guy and that she fell out of love with me.

 

for your ex to say "I really hope I'm good at sex - I want it to be great the first time we me and him sleep together", that must have hurt like hell.

 

think about it this way, if she was willing to do this after 4 years, what would she have done later? it would have hurt you a lot more. 142 days is a long time, but you cant just all of a sudden flip a switch and expect all your sadness to go away. what did you use to do before she came in to your life? try and do that again. i too spent a lot of time and money to see my ex because she lived an hour away and she also didnt have a job. in one year i probably spent close to 10,000. amazing huh?

 

if you were willing to spend so much time and money on her, try and do it for yourself. do the things youve always wanted to do. like maybe get a motorcycle? or go sky diving? or what about traveling when you can? i mean, ive realized that the presence of a significant other can be amazing, but you dont need it. couple dont NEED each other, they only WANT each other. you can still live life. its just a set back into finding true happiness. now you should know what you want and what you dont want.

 

just keep your head up high, and take it day by day. when you think about her, try and do something to get your mind off of it. its not good to just be by yourself because you WILL think about her. try and stay strong, you dont deserve a girl like that if shes already trying to please the other guy. she should be thinking about that with you. you'll find someone better. when you least expect it.

 

so just take it day by day... keep head up and you'll find the light out of the dark tunnel. your almost there.

[Guest]

Dude Ur Fine. Ive Been Seperated For Like 6 Months And I Feel The Same As U. But U Know Why We Cant Move On.... Cuz We Think There Is Still A Chance. We R Our Own Worst Enemy!!! How Can U Heal When U Dont Want To? Its Hard I Know, But Its The Only Way Dude...just Let Go. If It Happens, Great! If Not, Fantastic!!!! Honestly If She Isnt The One For U Then She Helped Make An Amazing Husband And Father For A Very Lucky Woman.

 

God Willing U Can Get Another Chance, But Everything Happens For A Reason. Just Keep In Mind That Sometimes The Greatest Gift From God Is An Unanswered Prayer. Peace And Good Luck!

[andy_whitewater]

I've always been into playing music - I play in a band and so my outlet for the past few months has just been writing songs and trying to throw myself completely into the music. Its strange how much it can help, singing a song to a group of complete strangers about a girl you love, who has left you. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to help me out. Guest, who wrote the post before this, thankyou for your kind kind words - it's at times like this that you sometimes just need to hear something positive about yourself because it's all just so sad. We are our own worst enemies - you're completely right. Logic dictates I will be fine at one point, and that I won't feel this immense pain forever, it's just that right here and now it hurts so bad. Knowing shes with someone else is really hard, accepting it is even harder I think. I know she doesn't love me anymore, and I want to find the strength to carry myself through this, without dragging anyone down by talking about it all the time. When she first left me I knew the road to recovery would be a hard one - I just never realised quite how hard, and how long it was going to be.

 

After reading so many of the stories on loveshack I think there must be a girl out there somewhere that is even better, someone who will love me as much as I love them. I guess the best thing to do, is to hold onto that positive thought, get through the days and try to start to appreciate some of life's blessings.

[andy_whitewater]

I also wanted to say:

 

spinderella; thankyou - i guess you're right. everybody gets treated badly at one time or another. its probably one of those things in life where you have to learn a lesson from it. Either you beat it or it beats you kind of thing. I guess I just never thought I'd end up on a website pouring my heart out because I just don't know what else to do. Hopefully in time to come this will make me stronger. I really hope so.

 

D-lish; you are right. I don't want to be the person that can't let it go. I just imagined myself with this girl forever, and we often talked about it. Looking back now it seems a little naieve of me, but then I suppose thats what happens when you're in love - you lose your judgement. I really would be grateful to hear more about the dating issues - do you think its ok to start going out on dates, and spending time with other people when I'm still in a mess about this. I mean I really want to meet someone, and to spend time with someone, I just have never done this before so I don't want to end up more hurt, or conversely, hurting someone else. I realy believe that if I could meet someone then that would help. Just a bit unsure of myself at the moment

 

Ihateslowjams; listening to what you had to say made me start to realise how much time and money and love I invested in this girl, and all the while I negelcted myself. I've not spent money or time on myself in such a long time I've sort of forgotten how to do it. Did you end up spending lots of time with friends and family when you broke up? It is kind of amazing that you spent 10,000 in one year! I guess thats what happens in love - you don't worry about things like that. You sound like you've managed to move on and be happy with life - it definitely encourages me to think that it is possible to be happy again. The break up really hurt and was very cruel, which is why I think its taking so long to move on but I will keep my head up - I so so badly want to be happy again. I don't want this to beat me.

[BrokenSpirit]

Well I would say if you want to start dating others I would go for it. It will definately help to take your mind off of the situation. It will help build your own confidence and it will remind you as well that dating can be fun so it will make it less scary. You will also be reminded how good it feels to have a womans attention and affection as well. I would definately take things slow with these women so you dont send the wrong signal and you can say that at the moment you are looking to have fun and take it one step at a time.

Healing takes time and theres no specific time limit on a broken heart but its like you said you can beat it or you can let it beat you. And trust me I know exactly how it feels to have someone take everything away from you. Im still going through it.

You have to live for you and remember your happiness is in your control so take responsibility for it. Totally do different things, try different places to go, and take up a new hobby. I know it sounds like the same ole advice but its the truth... Its what truly helped me when I was in pain... And I will be in pain again because once again my relationship is coming to an end so I know how scary it can be. But I started to go to new bars/lounges, I started to visit museums and I made plans with specific friends that once a month we went to the movies, I made plans with another friend that once a week we did a cooking lesson and you know what it kept me busy... The busier I was the less time I had to sit at home and be depressed/lonely and obsessing about why he couldnt love me the way I really needed him to...

I never thought I would be on these boards pourin my heart out or even trying to help strangers but I have to say even this helps. To know I can possibly help someone feel better and most of all to know Im not alone. That we all go through it and we all have that one person that comes into our life that breaks our hearts for it to grow back stronger!!!!! =))

Keep your head up! =))

[ihateslowjams]

I also wanted to say:

 

 

Ihateslowjams; listening to what you had to say made me start to realise how much time and money and love I invested in this girl, and all the while I neglected myself. I've not spent money or time on myself in such a long time I've sort of forgotten how to do it. Did you end up spending lots of time with friends and family when you broke up? It is kind of amazing that you spent 10,000 in one year! I guess thats what happens in love - you don't worry about things like that. You sound like you've managed to move on and be happy with life - it definitely encourages me to think that it is possible to be happy again. The break up really hurt and was very cruel, which is why I think its taking so long to move on but I will keep my head up - I so so badly want to be happy again. I don't want this to beat me.

 

yeah, as soon as i broke up, i was with my friends EVERYDAY. i did not want to go home because i know i would be by myself and just get depressed. my friends kept me busy.

 

now, about me sounding happy, it took time, but i think what made me really happy was when i knew i tried my hardest to get her back. i have no regrets. i can look back and know that she just didn't love me and i shouldn't make her love me, because you cant make ANYBODY love you.

 

i am also happy, because damn, she cost money. now im traveling and spend money on myself; on things I WANT to get that will ME. plus, spending money on myself makes me happy. hahaha sounds girly, but its true. buy yourself a new guitar or something that will help you with your music, and it'll help make you happy.