Guest Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 After being married to me for 30 years, my husband last year had a brief affair with a woman in another state where he goes on business, who he had known for a long time on professional level. Except for infrequent but necessary business emails, they have been NC for 6 months now since he told me of this and I strongly objected. She had no interest in anything long-term with him because of her own situation, and said she did it mainly out of curiosity. My husband has apologized to me many times and said repeatedly that it was a mistake, that he does not long for her, that it is in the past, that he has never stopped loving me the most, and doesn't want a divorce But even with them being emotionally NC for 6 months, I just can't let it go of my anger and disgust enough to be physical again with my husband. The whole time, I've been seeing a counselor and so has my husband, and for awhile we saw a counselor jointly. We have spent countless hours talking about this with counselors and each other, and my husband has mostly been a patient listener to my grief. But nothing seems to be working... I cannot get this anger and depression out of my system. I'm afraid that if I can't find a way to do that, divorce is the only option left to escape the pain, and that seems like the worst choice. I feel stuck and desperate. How have other marriages recovered? I don't expect we will ever feel 100% recovered from such a major insult, but I just want to get beyond the grief and pain to a point where I want my husband again. Anyone out there have any suggestions?
Mr. Lucky Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 Having gone through this as the BS in my first marriage, it eventually came down (at least for me) to this - either you can forgive or you can't. Simple as that. And as soon as you realize that, your options become clearer. Forgive and you start to look for ways to re-build trust. Can't forgive and you start looking for another place to live. Either way you go, doesn't make you a good person or a bad one. My ex and I had a great MC who helped me understand that some people find themselves in a place where forgiveness is possible. This may be a combination of nature, nurture, lifestyle, religious beliefs and other external factors. For others, the reverse is true - their circumstances simply don't allow them to make that decision to forgive. It's a very personal choice. I hope you find some peace in any decision you make. Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2006 Posted November 13, 2006 30 years. You're feeling all the hurt and pain, rightfully so. It takes time, some say up to 2 years! But, what can help is getting into marriage counselling and finding out together why he felt the need to go outside of the marriage. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! This has nothing to do with you, it was his choice to cheat - No matter what...If he was unhappy, or didn't have some needs met by you, he could have talked to you. But he didn't. Do you love him still? If yes, then you have to decide what you want. Can you get past the pain, forgive him and together make the marriage better? If no - Then end it. Continue with one on one therapy and please go to marriage counselling. Allow him to make it right again, for him to gain your trust, faith and love again...If he is willing and is a complete open book to you from now on, then maybe things can work. Good luck and keep posting.
LakesideDream Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Time is the first requirment. Past that, previous posters are correct. You will either forgive or you won't. You are in control of the outcome. I went through something similar six years back at the end of a 25 year marriage. I could not, and have not forgiven, or forgotten. I did get over it. Yours is a difficult situation. I wish you all the luck in the world.
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